REDIRECTED TO MAYBEMAIMED.COM: Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed

This Kink on Tap is kind of an extended addendum to our previous episode where we talk about and introduce the topic of sexual teasing and denial and chastity play. If you haven't listened to that episode already, I strongly urge you to do so.

The best part, however, is that Tom Allen from the Edge of Vanilla joined Eileen and I to talk about his personal experiences. Of course, the advantage of having someone on the phone is that you can ask personal qusetions and get immediate, personal responses.

There's no shortage of that in this converastion, where Tom shares a lot about his own reasons for enjoying chastity, the way in which this kind of sexual power play developed in the relationship with his (very blessed) wife, and of course why this kink in particular is often thought of as being very "vanilla." I couldn't help but share some of my own opinions and experiences as well, and Eileen does the same.

Lest you think that Tom's always this cerebral, however, don't forget about his super-hot chastity porn. My own fantasies tend to drift towards slightly more painful tastes, but that doesn't stop me from being the first to admit that I've sprung more than my fair share of hard-ons looking at Tom's stuff.

As always, I hope you enjoy this episode of Kink on Tap and invite your feedback of any kind (though especially regarding audio engineering) either as comments here or by emailing kinkontap+feedback@gmail.com. Have something you want to hear talked about or a story you want to share? Write to me at kinkontap+viewermail@gmail.com (and don't question why it's called viewer mail, 'cuz I wouldn't know what to tell you).

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This morning a friend asked me to give her an image that turns me on, followed by an image that is iconic of a "top" or a "domme" and then to determine whether the answers to those two questions share any key visual elements. Yes, this friend's really smart, by the way.

In response, I told her that the first thing that popped into my mind of an image that turns me on was Eileen's lips and tongue during the blowjob she unexpectedly gave me last night, but that's only because I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for the past twelve hours or so. In fact, if my friend had asked me for an image that turns me on another day, I probably wouldn't have said blowjobs at all.

The last significant mouth-on-penis action I've received hasn't been for more than two and a half years. Before that I wasn't even that excited about blowjobs. Handjobs always felt better to me anyway, so I wasn't very interested in getting them, though I don't think I ever turned down the opportunity. All my partners were far more skilled with their hands than their mouths anyway but more interestingly—and more to the point—I liked handjobs more because it was easier to bottom to them.

Few men can deny the fact that having someone else's hands around your genitals can be a vulnerable position. Of course, it isn't always intended that way (unless you're me, in which case it probably is) but our culture is saturated with images and stories of men's genitals being vulnerable in the hands of women. It's even in our slang: "She has got me by the balls" means that I am well and truly dominated by her control of the situation. I'm not sure why this is supposed to be a bad thing (</sarcasm>), but it is.

Contrast this with any imagery of blowjobs displayed by popular culture and the exact reverse is true. For some reason, people seem to think that putting your penis in someone else's mouth gives you some kind of control over the situation and makes the person whose mouth is around your genitals submissive. This has always been somewhat baffling to me, because it is far easier to hurt my penis with your teeth than it is to hurt it with your hands. Is my penis somehow more vulnerable to teeth than a so-called "Alpha Male"'s is? I'd love to know if it is, as I've unfortunately had no experience putting real live penises in my mouth.

(As an aside: if you want me to feel submissive while you make me go down on your cock then you should use something along the lines of a ring gag (NSFW) while you do it. Not that there aren't other ways to make fellatio into a submissive act—you could close my nose so I have trouble breathing, or hold a knife at my neck, or you could just whisper in my ear that you know how badly I want to drown the back of my throat in ejaculate, but the point is that it's all about how you do what you're doing.)

I think blowjobs are so riddled with unnecessary connotations of submission that whenever my previous partners went down on me they were, in effect, submitting. (As another aside, these particular past partners were for the most part submissive women, which I'm sure had something to do with it. Why my dating history has a 3-to-1 ratio of submissive women to dominant women is, however, another frustrating post entirely.) While I enjoy sexual stimulation from a talented mouth as much as the next man, girls who go down on me with a disposition that is solely intended to please are just not as sexy as the ones who do it with a mind for taking control of me.

There are two times in life when people will show you their true emotions. The first is during a round of poker. The second is during sex.

It should probably be obvious, but maybe it's not: submissive men like assertive blowjobs, not amiable ones. In fact, in case one thing doesn't lead you to the other, submissive men like assertiveness and control in general. We like assertive handjobs and masturbation, fucking (of many varieties), kissing, and pussy-licking. In other words, we enjoy all the very same sexual acts anyone else does, but what we enjoy most about them is the assertiveness and control of our dominant partners.

So when Eileen took hold of my wrist and placed it behind my back as she enveloped my penis with her throat, I nearly shuddered from the hotness. There was the key visual element that combined one of the sexiest things I have ever seen with my iconic image of female dominance: assertive and control, wanting me and taking me. She took me, this time, with her mouth.

She licked my cock from base to head and from head to base, not in worship to me but in her own indulgence. Whereas before I was used to blowjobs being a rather piston-like up and down motion or a stationary sucking sensation (penises aren't straws, by the way), Eileen's mouth slowly travelled all over my shaft. When she combined a powerful suction on my penis' corona with vertical strokes from her tongue I had to say it out loud: "I'm going to orgasm if you keep doing that." And in response, she eased up just enough to make it possible for me not to come.

In response to my friend's second question asking for an iconic image of a "top" or "domme," I responded that to come up with one is actually pretty difficult. After all, there are so many different looks that I associate with dominance. Does the so-called iconic female dominant have long hair or short hair? Is she dressed in tight clothing or is she lounging in bathrobes? It can all be hot.

So my answer was that an image iconic of a female top or domme for me, at that moment when she asked, was a tall woman wearing jeans that shows off her ass nicely and some kind of tank-top-like shirt, probably black. It's comfortable yet sexy—sexy because she's comfortable. And in my fantasies, she's holding something, like a knife in her right hand and a coiled rope in her left, not to be too specific about it. (I realized later that I was actually just describing Eileen in one of her more playful moods, but that's besides the point right now.)

Clearly I have a thing for the outdoorsy look, but what I really have a thing for is the confident type. This should be no secret (and if it is, I pity you and would like to invite you to listen especially close right now), but confidence is always sexy. Always. It's sexy to me when you look into my eye and feel confident enough to know you can make me hard just by licking your lips.

Confidence is about being sexy, regardless of orientation or activity. Assertiveness and control is about taking that confidence and applying it to a particular sexual power dynamic. Like, you know, leaving me literally laughing on our bed from desperate arousal after giving me the most dominant blowjob I've ever felt and then smiling as you tell me there's not a chance you'll let me orgasm tonight.

I'm finally starting to feel a little bit better today. In celebration, I thought I'd share with you all one of my older web pages, created back in February of this year with the help of two good friends. This one is about Real Ultimate Male Chastity. I hope you enjoy it.

Also, if you're not already familiar with the Internet phenomenon of Real Ultimate Power, you may enjoy checking out the original web site and its parody directory.

Don't ask me why, but I wanted to try my hand at wrting a sex toy review. I'd never done it before, you know. I had to think a bit about which toy from my collection I should write about. I could have written about the Fleshlight, or about the Hitachi Magic Wand, however I've had way more fond memories with the Aneros that I ended up choosing that little gem. Following is my first stab at a review. :) (Yes, I realze it's devoid of kink-specific uses. The Aneros makes a pretty mean teasing device if prostate stimulation gets you going.)

When most men hear the word "prostate" I bet they immediately conjure up images of bending over at the doctor's bracing for a horrible experience. When I hear the word "prostate," however, I think of sex. Good sex. So what's the difference between me and most people? Well, probably many things, but at least one of them is that I own an Aneros Helix, a male prostate massager.

Okay, okay, by "prostate massager" what I really mean is sex toy. This little anal toy isn't quite a dildo nor is it like those standard butt plugs you might be familiar with. In fact, if you've never had any experience with anal stimulation, I'd say skip the butt plugs and go straight for a prostate massager like this one. Prostate massagers, of which the Aneros line was one of the first, are curvy, rather bulbous insertables whose scientifically designed shape is intended to gently ride along your prostate as you flex your buttocks—all on their own.

When I first got the Aneros (and I'm not emabrassed to admit it) I already had my fair share of experience with anal penetration, however I had never tried a prostate stimulator. I was curious about what it would feel like, so soon after I got home I had slipped a condom and some lube on the toy and gently pushed it toward my unsuspecting prostate. It immediately felt great, like a little finger pressing at the base of my penis from inside my body, but that was just a teaser.

The truly amazing feelings didn't start until I started to masturbate. As I masturbated, I involuntarily clenched my ass slightly. I hadn't even noticed that I did this before, but now whenever I would do so the Aneros would slide a little bit further inside me and then slide back again, running itself over my prostate with each stroke. It felt so good so quickly I actually stopped masturbating so it would last longer. This wasn't a filling sensation like all the other dildo and plug toys I had experienced before, it was a rubbing sensation, but it was rubbing from the inside out.

When I finally did allow myself to orgasm with the Aneros still inside me, the sensations were more powerful because with each orgasmic contraction the Aneros was dutifully pumping away at my prostate. Since then, the Aneros has become one of my favorite masturbation and sex enhancers in my toy collection. Just think about all that buttocks-flexing sex requires!

The Aneros actually comes in several different models of varying sizes, just in case you don't think your sphincter will appreciate the largest size. Personally, even at 1 and 1/16 of an inch in diameter at the tip I found the Helix a little small, so I don't think I'd get much out of any of the thinner models and am eager to try a larger one.

Perhaps this should be three separate posts, but whatever. In preparation for Floating World, Jefferson from over on One Life, Take Two has asked for some reader participation. The topics are absolutely fascinating so I couldn't help but offer my input:

1) Do you blog about sex? Let me know your site, your reasons forblogging, and your experiences as a blogger.

My experiences blogging are somewhat unusual because I have been blogging since before it was called blogging. Back in 1995, I set up a web site for bipolar youth on which I kept a semi-regular running journal. I was 12 or so at the time. My life since then is a remarkably open book. I find that blogging is one of the key techniques I use to maintain self-awareness and self-observation. I do this about sex, but I also do this about friends and family life, social events, and my work life. Making things public just makes things more accessible. I've gotten correspondence from people and have friends I would not have had other wise. To date, I've never experienced a profoundly negative effect from public blogging.

I keep getting warned that one day this is going to bite me, and you know what, maybe it will. But I've already gained so much from my own openness that it seems like a silly thing to fear the potential backlash of the future. I am much stronger now anyway, more confident but also more of a success in other people's eyes. It becomes very difficult, I believe, to point at someone and say "You're bad because of this or that" when you are presented with all the other things they have done that you don't have any problem with.

Those of you who only read this blog may not know about the other topics I write about elsewhere, and those people will probably not wander on over here to read about kink and BDSM. As a result, while I am just one voice, I am a voice for many things. It's that kind of diversity that gives people their strength and which makes it hard to demonize any one aspect of a person's life.

2) What are your experiences with male bisexuality? I'm interested in your personal experiences as well as those involving friends, lovers and/or communities. Anyone is welcome to reply; you needn't be bisexual or identify as male to have an opinion or experience to relate.

I'm a bisexual guy. Bisexuality is hard: there is very little community identity because I don't know of any bisexual guys (or girls?) who are *only* bisexual. Everyone is bi but also kinky or heavily involved in LGBT activism (from which I've noticed the B and the T get dropped very frequently), or something else such as polyamory. Indeed, I am guilty of this myself. It's been to my own detriment, in fact, because while I strongly desire male-male experiences I have been focused elsewhere.

It doesn't help that community norms typically marginalize male bisexuality, and it is infuriating that female bisexuality is actually expected to be par for the course. (First because, hey, I want some of that same-sex action, too, and secondly because don't you think this is completely unfair to the women who aren't interested in other women?) I often shy away from meeting gay men because all too often they dismiss my homosexual interests as merely a passing fad. Or sometimes the reverse case, where my heterosexual interests are inauthentic. To this I say that they have clearly not been reading their own "liberation" material.

Furthermore, the notion of claiming a bisexual identity because it is the cool thing to do, annoyingly dubbed "bi chic" and thankfully not nearly so big a social stigma anymore as it was in the mid-1990's, casts nothing but more shadow over an already veiled identity. Conversely, there is the popular notion of "forced bi", wherein self-declared straight men have irresistable fantasies about being forced into sexual encounters with other men. (Oh, and that's another thing that pisses me off: guys who say they are bi for the sole purpose of getting women. But that's a whole 'nother rant.) When I was in high school and trying to understand what my body was telling me, I struggled for longer than I'd like to admit with the binary idea that I was either gay or straight, but that bisexuality was not an option.

What is it about such black-and-white simplicity that is so attractive to so many people? It's easy, but it's false. Once again, the diversity and fluidity of my gender identity is extremely important to me, and is something I think is actually a healthy thing for everybody to have an understanding about.

3) What are your experiences and interests on g spot and p spotstimulation? Do you enjoy them? Are you frustrated by an inability tolocate them, or to stimulate them?

Kind of dovetailing off the last item, one of the reasons why I am a little hard-up for male-male action is because I absolutely love receiving anal sex. This is primarily because the prostate stimulation is so intense for me. Maybe I'm just wired differently than most people (though I doubt it), but prostate stimulation is so incredibly spot-on (no pun intended), that I am convinced it's one of the most perfect developments in the natural world.

I've never had any problem stimulating my prostate. I've been doing so as a regular part of masturbation since my very early adolescent years (about 11 or so). I started by first pressing my fingers into my perineum and gently rubbing across it. Eventually I began to anally penetrate myself with my fingers. Thank goodness for flexibility! When I masturbate this way, I feel like orgasm approaches much, much quicker than it would otherwise. It's a wonderful addition to sexual play, one I enjoy a lot. I've since bought toys specifically for this purpose, such as the aneros helix. At times, it's actually difficult for me to avoid ejaculating when sexual stimulation is supplemented with prostate stimulation. When I met my current partner, Eileen, we quickly took to strap-on sex in part for this reason.

However, another aspect to our prostate stimulation playtime actually stems from our orgasm control and chastity kinks. Prostate stimulation is a central part of many submissive men's chastity regimes for reasons of perceived prostatic health. In addition, the incredible arousal I experience when my prostate is stimulated makes me super horny. Eileen calls it "stoking my fire" when she fingers me. It's very effective for sexual teasing because many men, myself included, can't ejaculate powerfully via prostate stimulation alone if they can even reach orgasm at all. The net result is that I get more horny, but can't relieve my arousal. That, of course, is the point.

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Surfing around again tonight, I found a very interesting post by Saratoga discussing chastity versus draining ("milking") a male submissive before play time. He describes the basic thrust of the concept like this:

The point is to make his ejaculatory moment as meaningless, humbling and unremarkable as possible. Pointedly waste his seed in an unceremonious manner. Then follow it up with brisk, focused activities which sweep his consciousness away from the release of his precious male sexual fluid to the infinitely more important tasks selected by his Mistress.

An interesting thought indeed. Why would one be interested in doing this? Saratoga writes:

This assures, as the Australian Domme stated, that the male is "serving (her) from submission, not from lust." Actually, I'd suggest, from my personal experience, that the boy may still serve his Mistress "from lust," but it would be from lust for Her, not lust for his own sexual release. So, male pre-play release would assure both a more purely submissive motivation for serving his Mistress, as well as a basis for his more purely lusting for Her, not his own sexual satisfaction.

Oh, okay, I get it. Try to ensure that the actions I am taking are in fact performed out of devotion, not a desire for self-gratification. Such a thing can be debated endlessly if taken to philosophical extremes, but let's assume for the sake of self-exploration that not all actions are ultimately selfish.

I can certainly relate to this idea at times. Surely, if I am denied sexual release, won't my compliance simply be a measure of how much I want an orgasm? Sometimes, yes. Is that the point? Sometimes, yes. It's an unmeasurable thing, really, to try and determine what intentions have provided the motivation for an action of someone else's. The dominant can't ever truly know, despite how much they may suspect one thing to be the reality over another possibility. If I am really horny, I might be performing some action out of a desire to please my dominant so that she or he might grant me an orgasmic climax, but I may not. Sometimes, it's hard for me to tell the difference--and that's the real reason I see some value in this approach to starting a scene.

I think this can be an interesting tool. For example, there are certainly physiological changes that happen in one's body that are dependent on where you are in the sexual response cycle. The release of endorphins is the common example and explains why so many of us feel as though we can take more pain when we are highly aroused. Now think about what it might do to you if you were forced to take a harsh paddling or a whipping after you have had an orgasm and not allowed to enjoy an afterglow. I think it would be pretty mentally distressing...and as such could prove to be a very, very powerful tool for a dominant to be aware of.

That is to say, draining a man prior to a scene isn't necessarily a means to ensure his devotion or intention for service, but it certainly will change the way his body and mind responds to certain things. Dominance is not about devotion, it's about using the tools you have at hand to control somebody else, devotion be damned. The awareness of how a submissive reacts differently to things before or after an orgasm was granted is one of these tools. The only way to get really good at using it is to practice, practice, practice.

Just my two cents….

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Last night, Eileen and I were cuddling in bed. I was horny and hard, of course, and I was thrilled when Eileen let me masturbate while I kissed her feet as I did so. Naturally, I was quickly on edge, and continued to edge while kissing her feet for quite a while (an estimated 30-45 minutes).

I have always found feet to be one of the funniest parts of the body. Not sexy funny, really, just ha-ha funny. However, there is something strangely comforting about resting my head on my girlfriend's feet, and humbling about kissing them. She has had me do this for her before, and even though it's not something I would do of my own volition, I find it very enjoyable. Tonight especially, I wondered if she was trying to make me associate worshiping her feet with the pleasure of masturbation. The thought is arousing in much the same way as it is humiliating, especially since it is the foot fetish that I typically associate with the standard "stand and model" crowd I dislike.

While I was edging, Eileen was busying herself on her laptop, stopping to lift my chin with her foot and look at me occasionally when I would make moaning sounds she enjoyed. When I was close to the edge, I kept thinking how much I was enjoying that feeling, and though I was very seriously considering begging for a release, I found myself instead hoping not to have one.

Ironically, after a while, I pushed myself just a little too far and felt myself peak just over the edge. Wanting to be good and to keep edging, I immediately stopped touching myself and tried my best to relax and let the orgasm fade as I had been doing before. I froze but it was too late, and after a few moments my penis weakly oozed out its ejaculate. I almost didn't notice it until it was nearly over; I had given myself an abandoned orgasm by accident.

"You beat me to it, naughty boy," she told me, sort of grinning, "I was going to let you cum. Better double the single-tail lashings." I already owed her 50 lashings for a previous accidental orgasm when she had to leave for her trip overseas, so now I've earned 100. (Though I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to these lashings or not.) I moaned aloud when she told me this, not because of the lashings but because she said she was going to let me cum.

I knew the orgasm she would have let me have would have been full and wonderful and a true release, but instead I had given myself a weak and ruined orgasm that didn't even help my erection waver. Our typical pattern is a release for me about once every 6-12 days (it had been 7 days since my last orgasm at that point), so I'm not expecting another one for a short while and I'm already craving it, loving the anticipation of my next release after having ruined my last one myself.

And...the thought of having had "missed" the real chance...that's also really turning me on. Hmm....

One of my Mistress's most amazing techniques in teasing me is very simple, yet very effective: she just doesn't touch me often. When she does, it is almost always very gentle caresses, feather-light kisses, slow licks. I always craved her touch, but rarely am I brought to such desperate desire than when she teases me with touches like these.

This past week was an intense string of anticipatory teases. Eileen even went so far as to whisper in my ear one night, "I have plans for you." The execution of this plan was mind-bogglingly hot, but that's a story I'll tell another time. This time, I want to make the observation that saying that itself was incredibly hot, and the anticipation it creates is an incredibly powerful tool in a tease.

I can't actually remember when the last time Eileen touched me in an traditionally and explicitly sexual way was. I'm sure she has not too long ago, but it's been a while. Our sexual behavior would probably confuse a lot of people. In the past couple of weeks, the only times I can remember that she has touched me sexually was when she either kissed me, very lightly moved her fingers over my cock in passing, or pressed my perineum to get at my prostate. It drives me crazy whenever she does this.

This kind of touch-but-not-really tease has literally made my body shiver and shake regularly. For some reason, I also drip a lot more precum when she teases me like this than when I'm stroked firmly. I think a lot of this has to do with the anticipation of the feelings itself; the body produces precum in anticipation of stimulation that indicates ejaculation, so it seems to make sense that stretching out or focusing on the anticipation itself would cause me to drip more.

The anticipatory sensation is especially apparent when I compare masturbation by my own hand with hers. When what I'm feeling is my own hand, I know precisely what I'm going to do. When it's her hand on me, I don't know what she'll do next and so I am primed for whatever it is without a pause. What's interesting in that situation is that most people seem to feel that having someone else masturbate them is more pleasurable, or at least differently so, than doing it themselves. I wonder how much of that pleasurable sensation is due to the feelings of anticipation.

Anticipation is also very apparent as part of orgasm denial. One of the main "reasons" for delaying an orgasm is that the longer you wait, the better it feels when you finally come. While this is certainly true for the intensity of the orgasm in many circumstances, I am thinking that the waiting itself, the anticipation of the coming orgasm (rather than the intensity of the orgasm itself) is another piece to the puzzle. What this means is that there are two kinds of teases: teases that focus on the intensity of the (hopefully) upcoming orgasm, and teases that focus on continuing the moments of pleasure just before orgasm.

Browsing around for some new blogs tonight, I found a post that Hardwired Submissive Man titled Tease and Denial. In his post, he writes a little about being masturbated teasingly:

It was easy to tell that her motivation wasn't to let me finish, but to tease and torment. I absolutely ADORE this kind of play. A relentless tease is far more exciting than an orgasm and i find i never have to worry about the "let down" after.

There are lots of times when I feel very much like that. I also absolutely adore teasing and tormenting attentions. They're fantastic because it's an indulgence for my fantasies, her attention is intent and focused entirely on my body, and the pleasure really does cause a wonderful high. I also sometimes don't want the high to end because I know that what comes after an orgasm is often a relative downswing.


Ups and downs are something I've been writing about in terms of emotions for years, but they're not actually something I've thought that much about when it comes to sex. Partly, this is because I like the orgasm, too and so a mild downswing seems like a fair price to pay. The orgasm is intensely pleasureable and I crave it often.

But the question is ultimately what do I crave, the orgasm I lust after or the lusting itself? Sometimes I think the answer is one, sometimes it's the other, and sometimes it's both. I think a major part of my desire for orgasm control is because it's truly difficult to know what's what in my head sometimes. When instead I obey whatever command I am given by Eileen and she chooses for me, I can be assured that no matter what happens, I will be doing what she wants and I am always gauranteed pleasure from that outcome.

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The amazing Ms. Rika, whose insights have earned her an unusual place as someone I am truly admiring recently, posted a long time ago on her forums about the duality necessary for teasing and denial to be effective:

I got to thinking that Tease and Denial is more effective than the sum of its parts. It's not only the length of the tease, or the number of denials. It's the combination of buildup and withdrawl.

You can't be effective with either without the other. If you tell a man he's not going to orgasm tonight, but don't stimulate him (denial only), it's no where nearly as effective as if he is stimulated even though he knows he can't complete. Likewise, if you tease a man and finally allow him to orgasm(tease only), it's not as effective as prohibiting release. It takes very little stimulation and very quick denial to be effective. Sure, a longer buildup and multiple denials will be even more effective, but you don't always have the time - or desire - to be so sub-centric for so long. So you can go for a quicky that's every effective.

Thus her suggestion:

So if you're going to deny him, you may as well put a little stimulation in front of it...a quick fondle, a squeeze or two, or a little fetish play and then, goodnight. Give him quick hope and then take it away...Quick and effective.

I think this is one of those things that is so true it's often overlooked, and so taken for granted that it's hard to notice why it works so well. A while ago, I wrote elsewhere about an experience not unlike one that Ms. Rika describes.

Before going to bed, she and I cuddled over the sheets. Then she started caressing me, very lightly rolling her fingers over my body in every single erogenous part of me except my penis. It made me harder than I'd been all day in mere moments, so she kept it up (figurately and literally, actually--no pun intended). My penis was literally oozing droplets of precum in minutes and had a relatively thick, long "tear trail" of it by the time she finished that had dropped into my pubic hair. It took all I had to keep my hands away from my penis. I literally can not remember a time when I had ever been that…desperate for relief.

[&hellip]

She made an interesting remark while I was trying to relax the first time that went something like this: Looks like the best way to tease you is not to touch you at all! This ellicited a needy groan at the time, but got me thinking that perhaps she may have hit on something very true, but perhaps not entirely correct. It's not really true that the best way to tease me is not to touch me at all. The sublety is that she did, of course, touch me to tease me. However, tonight she did so in a way like never before. She teased me by, well, tantalizing my penis-- starving it of stimulation but not attention--and never actually teasing it directly.

This ironic situation is the one that most turns me on, I think because it showcases the control and puts a spotlight on the D/s dynamic involved in the play. And, well, that's hot.

Recently, several of my favorite BDSM bloggers have chimed in on their mutual frustrations with the state of male chastity devices being sold today. For instance, Ms. Alice writes about her experience trying to get a male chastity device that works. Ms. Claudia echoes the sentiment as well. I have to agree; it is a frustrating state of affairs, that's for sure, that an effective male chastity device is so hard to find. No single device is good for everyone and the state of the art is downright medieval.

Until such a time as a truly effective male chastity device can be created, I think it's necessary that orgasm denial be partly a matter of trust and strength in the relationship. My girlfriend and I have had similar frustrations with devices, but also are very keen on the notion that my denial is by her will alone. Frankly, sometimes it's a lot harder for me that way because even though I desperately want to get release, I don't give it to myself even though I can. The temptation can be maddening sometimes.

That said, there is a place dear to my heart for enforced orgasm denial, to the point where my will truly breaks and I do whatever I can to get relief physically. With the CB-3000 we have now, that fantasy is still just a fantasy because I can achieve a sort of orgasm while still locked inside it, though admittedly not one that is really satisfying at all.

Still, there is no denying the logic that chastity devices are intended (as far as most people are concerned) to effectively hand over 100% of the control to the keyholder. Putting the question of whether a physical device will ever be able to be that effetive aside, the percentage we're looking at now won't get near 100% unless the state of the art improves.

I wonder, then, if perhaps the next generation of chastity devices won't be physical contraptions at all, but rather a drug. Or maybe even a nasal spray? Just imagine the possibilities. ;)

I've been attending a ton more meetings lately. This is certainly due, in large part, to the lovely social explosion my life has recently experienced. It's a ton of fun to get out of the house, feeling energized (that in itself a function of my work proving much less stressful these past few weeks), and being able to go out and listen to other people's ideas of kink and BDSM play.

Today, I attended a presentation given by a graduate student on conditioning and, ultimately, behavior modification. It was extraordinarily academic (her handout had a bibliography!), which was both interesting and slightly disappointing. Part of me just wanted to hear about some more kinky ideas for play. However, I learned a lot, and will need to do a lot of googling later on to learn even more.

Not surprisingly, much of the example scenarios that the presenter did bring up involved orgasm control; it's not just such an obviously kinky application of conditioning, but it's also the application that has the greatest amount of research behind it. (Best quote of the day: "I'm still shocked at what you can get grant money for!") There was a ton of valuable information in the presentation, but let me summarize what I found to be the salient learning points for my own reference.

Conditioning is the academic term for what people in the BDSM scene more often call "training." This is an interesting point because I've often disliked the word training. It conjures up silly images of professional dominatrices (dominatrixes?) offering some form of "training" to clients who pay them to do so. The pro-domme, in that image, is the one I see as the trained, submissive partner. In fact, knowing many pro-dommes as friends (way more than I can count on two hands by now), I hold this belief strongly because many (though not all) of them are, by their own admission, submissives in their heart of hearts. To hear the two terms associated as two perspectives of the same coin has triggered a new way of relating to the term and by extension, the people who use the terminology.

The only context in which I used to feel comfortable thinking about "being trained" was that in puppy play scenes, and that never had anything to do with conditioning but with roleplay. What struck me, however, wasn't the academic exaplanation but rather how the academic understanding of these concepts could lead to a far better understanding of how to apply such behavior modification and conditioning techniques to BDSM training scenarios in a truly D/s dynamic--one that is predicated on a real, strong, loving D/s relationship.

So what is conditioning? Conditioning is about creating a conditioned response to a neutral stimulus. This is not only academically fascinating, but is also at the root of all fetishes. In fact, sexual response is largely believed to be the result of two kinds of conditioning: classical conditioning and operant conditioning.

How does conditioning work? Most of us already know, but in a nutshell, classical conditioning works like this, using Pavlog's dogs as an example:

1. An unconditioned stimulus (food) produces an unconditioned response (salivating).


2. A neutral stimulus (bell) is introduced along with the unconditioned stimulus (food), creating an association over time between the neutral stimulus and the unconditioned response (salivating).


3. Eventually, the neutral stimulus becomes a conditioned stimulus (bell) which, by itself, causes a conditioned response (salivating).

Note how the response never changed. In Pavlov's dogs example, it was always salivating. In kinky scenarious, it may be something else. For the sake of example and enjoyment, let's do the same thing but with the not-so-hypothethical example of how I "learned" to love playful spanking:

1. An unconditioned stimulus (singletail whippings, an often playful event for my play) produces an unconditioned response (masochistic enjoyment).


2. A neutral stimulus (spanking) is introduced along with the unconditioned stimulus (singletail whippings), creating an association over time between the neutral stimulus and the unconditioned response (masochistic enjoyment).


3. Eventually, the neutral stimulus becomes a conditioned stimulus (spanking) which, by itself, causes a conditioned response (masochistic enjoyment).

This can be applied to so many things and has so many uses in BDSM and kinky relationships that it's really unending. The example above demonstrates how conditioning can be used to increase kink compatibility between partners. I used to hate getting my ass spanked. Now I rather enjoy it, and I even wiggle my butt to get it some attention when I'm feeling like playing.

However, there are some additional things that I learned tonight that were exceptionally helpful to realize. As it turns out, successfully conditioning someone is a lot more complex than simple pairing of stimulus as the classical conditioning example would have you believe. If other factors aren't taken into account, it just won't work. Some of these factors are well-researched, some are still unknown, and still others are emotional.

For instance, I learned tonight that there is a concept in this field of psychology called habituation. Habituation is the notion that boredom with a certain stimulus works against the conditioning response for sexual purposes. No one masturbates to the same porn or the exact same fantasy over and over again. Mixing it up keeps things hot. (This probably, and finally, explains my recent enjoyment of the various "games" I am wanting to play in the arena of orgasm control.) In other words, variety is not only the spice of life, it's also an essential ingrediant in successful slave or puppy training, for example, or in any kind of conditioning.

Mixing it up a little requires the introduction of operant conditioning. In a nutshell, operant conditioning is a reward and punishments system; organisms want to increase pleasure and decrease suffering. The trick is knowing what is pleasureable and what is not. In other words, newsflash! Masochists do not consider pain as suffering.

Interestingly, several factors all combine to indicate that rewards are far more effective than punishments. In one simple example, once rewards are established, the removal of the reward is often a sufficient punishment in and of itself. Simple and effective. Rewards are all about positive reinforncement. Do well, and you'll get a treat.

However, what happens if you tell a dog to sit, and each time it sits you give the dog the treat? It will sit, but it will expect the treat. If it doesn't get it the next time you ask it to sit, what will happen? The dog will stand up. The conditioned response has gone because the reward was removed, and this is called extinction. In order to keep the dog obeying your commands you need to place it on a constant reinforcement schedule. This is, obviously, suboptimal for a D/s dynamic because it forces the dominant to constantly maintain the desired behavior in the submissive.

Much more powerful than a constant reinforcement schedule is an intermittent reinforcement schedule. In such a schedule, rather than getting a treat every time the dog sits, it only gets the treat sometimes. To further strengthen the reinforcement, the dog gets not one kind of treat, but any one of a set of many kinds of treats. This creates uncertainty in the submissive, and results in the trained behavior being maintained with much less effort and for much longer periods of time because the submissive doesn't know when or what its reward will be, so it obeys at all times.

All of this reinforcement talk is reminiscent of Ms. Rika's fantastic essay on Rewards vs. Treats. In fact, it's mostly the same exact thing, only Ms. Rika seems to intuitively understand what I have only understood through intellectualizing the question. She states that positive reinforcement should be intermittent because it emphasizes the dominant's control. Indeed, she is reffering to an intermittent reinforcement schedule used along with operant conditioning.

Now, finally, with a strong foundational understanding of how conditioning works, we can understand why the following tips and tricks are so effective:

• Set small, realistic goals and reward these baby-steps when they are taken successfully frequently. Taking this approach to conditioning is typically more successful than setting large goals and providing one "large lump sum" reward at the end. Again, classical conditioning teaches us that it takes time to change behavior, and that it is easier to change behavior in small ways gradually than in large ways quickly.


• Make sure you find rewards that work. What's the best way to learn about these for your particular dynamic? Ask the submissive what s/he likes! Make a list of all these rewards and their percieved values and create an intermittent reward schedule to reinforce the desired behavior when it occurs. (As a sidenote, this means my girlfriend and I need to rethink our "consequence" box for accidental orgasms.)


• Avoid confusing punishments with play. Again, a masochist does not see beatings as a punishment. Instead, removal of the rewards is often a far more effective punishment. It is also safer and prevents you from setting yourself up for failure.


• Make sure you are aware of what behavior you want to encourage, and what you don't. Be aware of your own behavior and the behavior of others such that you will be able to recognize the good behavior when it happens; it's a lot easier to spot the problem behavior than the desired one.

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Ms. Rika's writings are absolutely amazing and brilliant. It seems silly to say anything more specific than that, though I will say that I found the following essays to be the most moving:

• True Submission


• Rewards vs. Treats


• The Power of Irony


• The Joy of Denial

All of her writings can be described somewhat generally as being guidelines for managing successful 24/7 ("full time") D/s relationships. This is something of interest to me because it is a topic I know very little about. Despite what some people may think, submission is actually a relatively newly practiced thing for me. I've had years and years of top/bottom dynamics, but indeed, the first (and so far only) person I've ever felt I could be submissive to is Eileen. We've begun exploring D/s dynamics, but I believe we've only scratched the tip of the iceberg.

Unfortunately, the vast amount of information that is available on this topic comes from submissive men. This is a problem because I have no real practically applicable interest in hearing about what other submissive men feel about submission beyond stimulating thought internal to myself. The reason is obvious: I am a submissive man, and I know what I feel like already because I'm feeling it. Making sense of it may be hard, but my emotions are unique to me.

On the other hand, I am very interested to hear about what dominant females have to say about submissive men and D/s relationships from their perspective. The reason for this is likewise obvious. Ms. Rika's writings are educational because they shine a light onto the other side of the coin, the side that no matter how hard I try to see, I can only be told about. I'll never experience being a dominant female so my only ways to learn about that side of the equation and how to mesh better with it is by having it explained to me. Few people can explain themselves as eloquently as this lifestyle dominant can, which is one reason why her writings reached me strongly tonight.

(By the way, I'd also love find writings like this from dominant men about submissive men. That's kind of a tall order, I know, but if you have any bookmarks you're willing to share, I'm all ears!)

I wish I had the energy to write more about this right now, but I don't. Instead, let me list a few revelations that struck me when I was reading her essays:

• Dominance and submission is a "layer" that is added to a relationship. This implies the obvious, that a relationship needs to exist as a foundation to add D/s onto, as well as the subtle: that D/s dynamics must be maintained equally by both partners for their respective roles. A submissive needs to be actively submissive, not being a mindless doormat (unless this is desired in a scene, see next point). Likewise, a dominant needs to be actively dominant, providing feedback and suggestions for things the sub can do better and recognizing these attempts.


• The single ultimate purpose of submission is to have the submissive please the dominant partner, not have the dominant please the submissive. That may sound obvious, but the massively important implication here is that it's the submissive partner who must adapt his or her terms to align to the dominant partner's terms. Aligning to this "one-sided compromise" is what submission is all about for the submissive, while enforcing the straight-forward "that's the way it is because I said so, and I'm the dominant partner" logic is what domination is all about.


• Scenes are not "lifestyle" D/s, but are instead manifestations of sex. A scene is kinky sex, whether or not sexual intercourse or other traditional sexual activities are involved and so the submissive is the equivalent of the so-called passive (or receptive) partner. Just like vanilla couples don't spend one hundred percent of their time fucking like rabbits in the backseats of cars, successful 24/7 D/s relationships don't spend all their time in scene. However, that doesn't mean that they're not doing the "24/7 thing." This finally brings to light for me why I feel differently about bottoming to things that feel like self-motivated service (having the urge to take care of Eileen and do things for her being second nature to me now) as opposed to bottoming to things that are done in a scene.


• Punishments are scenes, and scenes typically require more effort from the dominant than the submissive (see earlier point; dominant is essentially the active sex partner). As a result, so-called punishments in D/s dynamics are really just scenes, or sex, and even if the activity isn't something the bottom enjoys, it's still ultimately providing a passive sexual experience. This explains to me why I never liked punishments in reality, but enjoy the fantasies of punishments so much. In other words, I don't want to be punished for real even though I do want to be submissive for real. Punishments, or what I've come to call "consequences" are part of the fantasy, kinky games I enjoy playing.

These definitions are, of course, my attempts at paraphrasing and making my own what Ms. Rika has written in her essays (which is why I suggest you go read them--that context will help you understand this post). They may be false for some people, but I don't think they are false for me. Something in what she writes clicks for me deep inside and makes clear distinctions that I had been confused about previously. The newly vivid distinctions have, in turn, provided insights into past experiences and motivations, both the successes and the failures.

Before I met and became involved with Eileen, I wondered about D/s relationships and even about 24/7 dynamics, but always considered them flawed in some way. However, for the first time ever, I'm starting to believe that with an accurate understanding of the deepest motivations behind and distinctions between Dominance and submission are and a solid handle on one's own self awareness and emotional barometer, a 24/7 D/s relationship may not just be possible but is something I've actually desired for a very, very long time.

Surely, I am not this Mistress's clone and so I will have different nuances from what she describes for herself and her slave and subs. Further discussion and refinement of these ideas is clearly warranted. Nevertheless, I feel confident and certain that these foundational elements are, at the very least, not far off "the truth" for me. That's an exciting prospect.

On that note, let me close this post with Ms. Rika's words from her article The Vanilla Domme:

notice this arrangement does not turn him into a spineless, mindless puppet. In fact, it's quite the opposite. He's encouraged to think. It also doesn't make him passive in bed. I like a man to be aggressive and to show his desire. This doesn't stop him from doing so. I do, however, reserve the right to be pleased on my terms, which may, or may not include an orgasm for him. If it pleases me to have him seduce me and take me to bed, give me an orgasm orally, even have intercourse but stop short of his orgasm…and then have him rub my back until I go to sleep…then keep his own erection up for 30 minutes more while I sleep before he goes to sleep himself, hard and frustrated, then that's what he must do. Sounds like he'll hate it? Well, yes…he will, but he'll thank me in the morning when he realizes how dominated he feels. Are you getting the picture?

I should probably not have spent this long browsing the 'net for hot things to read, but I'm glad I did, because tonight I came across badbob's excellent article on EroticHumiliation.com where he discusses his take on Teasing, Denial and Orgasm Control Games. As he says in the prelude to the article, there's a ton of written material out there that discuss the games themselves, but very few that discuss the psychology behind and attraction to playing such games.

He clearly (and, I think, accurately) describes all the types of chance games a dominant can play with a chastised submissive, provides some classic examples, and--best of all--nails down exactly why it is that each type of game is a turn on. However, even though I understand the obvious application this has to chastity regimes, why stop there? Badbob writes:

There is a sort of philosophical background that we must assume in these games, and while your individual mileage may vary, here is where I cum from, and where I think the vast majority of players will fit. The idea is that reward is sexual release, an orgasm for the male.

I wonder if such games and ultimately any other activity with a similar psychological effect can't be used for other things in a D/s relationship besides "merely" orgasm control or playful teasing. I would love to introduce such additional elements of playful "rulemaking" into my relationship, for more than a single reason. Badbob notes that:

As mentioned before, these sorts of games allow the Mistress to remain seductive and sensual and in a sense to “pretend” that it really isn’t up to her. She can even encourage him with remarks like “I really hope you get lucky tonight, I want to feel you in me.” Or feign hurt and disappointment if he has drawn the wrong card or made the wrong roll of the dice, as if it were somehow his own fault.

For longer-term scenes, such as those that involve extended orgasm denial and erotic teasing, games like the one he describes have the potential to ease a heavy burden from the dom who otherwise needs to maintain the image of ultimate control. That can be hard or nearly impossible for me to do on a long-term basis, and I bet it's not easy even for the most hard-core "true" dominant out there, so it makes sense that such strategies for play have become popular.

However, why not consider such games in more applications than just chastity training. Why not use them in other parts of a D/s relationship where a reward isn't necessarily an orgasm, but something else that the submissive wants. I can imagine a reward for me being permitted to purchase a new pair of panties (for either myself or my girlfriend), or better yet, a new sex toy for us to use. That example touches on what some might consider a more extreme form of control, where impulse purchases are discouraged in a relationship, but how many times have you heard married couples arguing over just such financial matters?

Anyway, it's just a thought, and it may be silly one, but part of the whole point of this exploration is to come up with newly exciting ideas. I like the ideas of these games mostly because they are (supposed to be) imposed, their rules are things I would adhere to because that's what my Mistress would want me to do. It's the control I love most. The details of the game's rules are a distant second. Badbob's article articulated that very nicely, and that's why it got my attention.

Another less typical but equally arousing example is summarized by saying that what's important is obeying her schedule, whether that means chastity or orgasm. Either way, what she says, goes.

While browsing here and there, I found a link to Frugal Domme's web site, with very interesting and broad-ranging resources on what they call D/s techniques, Physical S&M, and Etiquette. It's very obviously an ancient web site, but I'm glad I found it as it's new for me and provides at least a modicum of novelty, even though a lot of the content is kind of old news for me.

Nevertheless, there's some good stuff, even if it isn't a new idea. They have tons of links to chastity and orgasm denial resources on both their own site and others, such as one contributor's male ejaculation awareness and control training program. The author writes:

However; prolonged chastity, especially when coupled with stimulation without release, may only make his orgasm come more quickly when he is allowed release. For some Mistresses this is the desired outcome, but probably not within a long term relationship. Likewise, simple punishment for cumming without permission does little to guide the male into the ability to participate in this control.

Simply put the male has to perform a countdown prior to his climax. Mistress can stop him at any point and he must not only stop stimulation at that point, he must also not climax. He does not know when he starts the count down if he will be allowed to finish. When the countdown is stopped, and he also successfully does not ejaculate, Mistress may start (or allow the start) of stimulation again. At which point if he feels he is approaching orgasm he must start a new countdown, which may or may not be allowed to go to completion. The key is the countdown must be a countdown to the “point of no return”, rather than to the actual climax. It is the point of no return that he needs to see in advance, not the actual orgasm. ... [H]e must climax within 3 seconds of zero. (It may be necessary to adjust this time, based on the reactions of particular individuals, but 3 seconds is a good place to start.)

I'm always amused by writings such as this because it seems like everyone takes themselves so damn seriously, which is both unnecessary and not very hot. I'd much rather prefer an environment of playful erotic games to that of an "exercise program," but hey, whatever fills your twinkie.

Also, to anyone who's personally interested in orgasm denial or delay, this is an obvious technique to employ to practice staving off the orgasm from inevitable stimulation. The real reason I like this idea isn't because it's a novel idea but rather because it sounds like it could be a fun way to involve a partner (read, my girlfriend Eileen) in masturbatory sessions. To that end, in fact, why is there no mention or thought given to ways that the domme can enjoy herself physically while the sub is doing all these masturbation exercises?

For instance, if I were playing this game with Eileen, it would be even more arousing if she were also masturbating while I was doing so. After all, why shouldn't she? That makes the game far more exciting for her as well as striking home the truly arousing point that the goal of the exercise is ultimately for her pleasure, and that my ability to remain chaste is a skill I should hone to achieve that goal. The difference is subtle but is at the core of my personal fetishistic desires revolving around teasing; teasing and orgasm denial are the actions through which the fetish of orgasm control is manifested. What fun is a control game without a controller? :)

Through Frugal Domme's site, I found another ancient, personal web site of a fellow submissive man who calls himself Poetrician and who wrote a two-part essay about Training a Novice for orgasm control. In part one, he articulates the very same thoughts I just described when he says:

A man's mind must be trained to intervene in his body's instinct to resolve the pleasures he is granted with controlled thought to realign his body's goals to be merely an object of his controller - executing tasks of her will.

[...]

So to begin to give more concrete examples, if he were to stroke his penis to achieve a state of erection by command, he must realize the limit of the request. The request is not to satisfy his lust, or engage him in a act that normally leads to orgasmic pleasure, but simply to become erect.

Applying this to the countdown game/fantasy with Eileen and I, it's evident as to why the aspects of control are more arousing for me than the notion of getting to masturbate. The masturbation doesn't really matter and in some cases I would go so far as to suggest that it is completely unnecessary (though nice) because I'm far more excited by having layer upon layer of Eileen's control added to the game. For instance, as we are masturbating, perhaps she remarks that she is permitting me to watch her. Just the words, "I'll let you watch me enjoy this," for instance, are arousing because it emphasizes her control. Or perhaps before we start she notes that she will not permit me that pleasure and blindfolds me. If I then hear the buzzing of a vibrator that she's decided to enjoy, I will desperately want to feel that vibrator's sensation but can only do so vicariously through hearing her enjoy it, and that will drive my arousal, too.

Playing with such sensory deprivation such as blindness often heightens the wanting for either that sensation, sight in this case, or another, such as sound, by redirecting my awareness to an alternative sensation. In part 2 of Poetrician's essay he writes about ways to influence each of the senses individually. A less typical and equally intriguing example for sensory deprivation might be, for instance, to remove the sense of sound with ear plugs and to emphasize the point by being spoken to in a whisper. The thought of being deafenned and having Eileen whisper "You may cum if you want to," to me while she knows that I can't hear her is also an extreme turn on. The crux of it all is her control (as in, specifically her as the one in control as well as the control itself).

Poetrician further notes that:

[A] Dominant can create certain fixations for him to focus on during his these arousal states. Embellishing fetishes, mindwashing with single unique objects, enriching lust focused on the Dom, are all methods of creating a synergetic duality in the novices mind.

What he calls a "synergetic duality" I more plainly define as an aspect of that fetishized control. Many of my fantasies are ones that involve something Eileen does to me that "changes the rules" for her own amusement and fun; requiring I remain chaste until she has had a certain number of orgasms, enforcing daily edging sessions, involving other partners, and setting up some kind of creative rule set for when, if, and/or how my sexual desires and releases will be limited (or allowed, or even required) while those same rule sets maximize the pleasure for herself. I love the idea of having breakfast one morning after a fantastic scene the night before and having Eileen grin at me and say something like, "That was two I got last night. You were such a good boy. Only 26 more orgasms for me and then you might get one, too." Ultimately, what is more intensley, intimately, and utterly controlling than having the association of your own sexual pleasure be not associated with your own sexual stimulation but with your dominant's?

Part of the point for all these "rules" and "games" isn't that they last forever or that they are inflexible, but indeed the opposite. Though it is important to strictly obey the rule set as it's currently defined (whatever that may be), there's a novelty offered with every one, and the variety is half the fun, so changing it up every so often keeps things interesting and arousing--hopefully for everyone involved! The other half is the uncertainty and anticipation that comes from not knowing what Eileen will do to me or require of me. And of course, I don't think there should ever be a rule that says Eileen can't change the rules on me if she wants to.

I loved that we implemented the various "consequences" we continue to define for an accidental orgasm because it provides that uncertainty and anticipation as well as giving us an inroad on which to reach out to new and heretofor unexplored areas of our sexuality and fetishes. The most currently relevant example is my fascination with money when mixed with sex; the fact that I don't understand why it is that an eroticized exchange of money is something that arouses me deeply and at the same time has the potential to truly disturb me is something I want to explore. I don't think that's something that would have come to the surface unless Eileen and I were playing these games (and it certainly would not have done so this safely).

So...I want to play more of these games because they're not only sexually adventurous and exciting, but a real opportunity to explore more of myself and our relationship.

But one of the difficult things about such a situation is the fact that it can take a lot of time and energy to maintain this level of imbalance in sexual control in an active and ongoing way that is also fun for both partners. It can be exhausting for both partners, but possibly even more so for the dominant partner because they are often expected to conjure up the details for most of these "games." Even though a ton of ideas can be harvested from all over the web (Frugal Domme's web site has a number of good examples for scene ideas), it's the mixing-and-matching in novel new ways that's truly interesting, and it can be hard work.

Furthermore, since I'm the one that's horny far more often than she is (obviously), the imbalance can also be a source of stress on the sexual relationship. This is something Eileen and I encountered first on our road trip a few years back, and we also brought it up at the Sexual Teasing and Denial presentation we did for TES a while back.

Basically, we need to deal with emotions that surface when I feel as though I want or "need" to play, and she does not. One of my favorite excerpts about dealing with this come from Amy's Tantalism blog where she writes briefly about her disappointment when she was not permitted to cum and how she and her dominant worked through that together.

I wish I could find it now, but Amy also had some wonderfully insightful things to say about this tough situation and how she and her Mistress deal with it. In brief, she told me that every couple (kinky or not) deals with the issue of the other partner feeling horny or not at any given time, so there needs to be an honest understanding of both partner's needs as well as genuine attempts from both sides to meet those needs. She told me that for her, this doesn't mean she is permitted to orgasm or even to touch herself whenever she pleases, but rather that she and her Mistress communicate openly about those needs and lovingly address the challenges when they arise, supporting each other through the tough times, and enjoying each other thoroughly through the good times. When Amy asks for permission to touch or to cum, it is a signal to her Mistress that she is feeling a desire for that touch, and her Mistress does with that information what she will--denying her or teasing her or indulging her as she wishes. For her part, Amy is honest with her Mistress about how badly she feels she needs release or physical affection or masturbatory stimulation, meaning that she expresses her need when it is strong as well as letting her Mistress know that she doesn't need a release if she doesn't really feel that way.

(As an aside, one of the very smart things suggested on the Tantalism forums a while back was something called the 24-hour rule. That is to say, if a submissive feels that they truly, really, absolutely have to have an orgasm right then and there, enforce a policy that requires a waiting time of at least 24 hours before that orgasm will actually happen. If after the submissive calms down and is no longer in the midst of stimulation and/or arousal he or she still feels that an orgasm is necessary throughout these waiting hours, then it is far more likely--though not actually necessary--that an orgasm is needed and should be had. Though this was originally intended for solo denial, I think this is a good general policy for anyone who is concerned about granting release too leniently or quickly to follow, including dominants.)

Amy noted that when she is denied permission to touch it is extremely difficult at times, and admitted to breaking her "no touching without permission" rule on several occasions. Her Mistress sees such infractions as "hard times" that Amy is going through that need support, rather than failures on Amy's part that need to be disciplined. Amy referenced an apparently well-known article called Orgasm and Release Training by Gina as one of the many helpful guides that exist that focus on support during rough times of denial and craving and denounce punishments as deterrents for failure to avoid orgasm.

This is slightly different than the way Eileen and I currently play, but in large part the themes are the same. What most people call "punishments" I prefer to call "consequences," because the thought of true punishment does nothing to motivate me to be anything other than rebellious, which is not what either of us wants. However, the fantasy of being punished is intensely erotic, so creating (relatively minor?) "consequences" for accidental orgasms or other failures seems like a good compromise between the erotic fantasy and reality. Letting Eileen ultimately act as judge and jury also helps me feel that whatever happens is what she wants, which is crucial for me (as described earlier).

However, the notion of receiving emotional and moral support during denial periods that are difficult to go through was new to me when Amy first mentioned it, and it's something I actually feel would be incredibly positive in many emotional ways in addition to being an effective way to deter accidental or otherwise "unnecessary" orgasms. It is an interesting paradox, but the single most arousing thought I have is also the thought that most motivates my desire to remain chaste: Eileen wants me not to cum. I imagine that Amy and her Mistress have the same (or similar) desires, and I can imagine her Mistress reminding her of that during the hard times when Amy feels glum about not being permitted to touch herself or to orgasm. I can also imagine that I would feel similarly supported and emotionally fulfilled by being reminded of that by Eileen when I'm struggling through a period of denial.

In fact, I wonder if more of that kind of support would have enabled me to continue to remain on a "no touching without permission" rule as was the case last year. (We changed that rule to "masturbate at your leisure but don't orgasm without permission" a while ago because emotional stresses were building on both of us.) Amy describes a vulnerability, and arousal, that is caused by the need to ask for permission to masturbate because it exposes her need to her Mistress. In effect, she is never (or rarely) horny without her Mistress knowing about it. I recall occasionally not asking and simply enduring denial because of that very feeling of vulnerability, so I can relate, and I wonder if additional support from Eileen as well as strict adherance to her decisions would have helped us then. In other words, I was afraid that my asking was influencing Eileen's decision too much, and so I didn't ask to be allowed to touch myself whenever I felt that I wanted to.

I didn't have enough trust in Eileen that she understood that what I wanted was to be told "no" if she was not interested in sex at the time when I asked because even though I was horny, I wanted (and still want) her to use my arousal as an outlet for her sexual pleasure instead of mine or I didn't believe that she would be able to cope with my feelings of horniness if I asked her for permission. All this, even though she told me multiple times she didn't mind my asking, so this is a true failure on my part. I'm still learning, and still exploring deeper and deeper, and I want to continue this with Eileen.

I want to not only explore my own desires, but hers as well. She often says her play and her desires are shaped by the partner she is with. This makes sense, but to some extent the same is true of me. I want to make her deepest, most taboo fantasies come true, and I want every last one of her cravings to be fulfilled ten times over. Part of why I want to push us into new and ever more intense and extreme directions for sexual and kinky exploration is so that I can discover new things about me, her, and our relationship, but part of the reasoning is also because I want to hit on the things she (and I) may not even know she wants, and then make those dreams a reality.

I've been given a generous ration of two orgasms a week while she's in Australia, and except for this week I've used them both up without fail every week. But this week, I'm feeling particularly motivated to keep myself chaste for her even though I have permission to indulge myself more than I normally do. (As of the time I'm writing this, it's been 7 and a half days since my last orgasm.) I think a big part of the reason for this is that my explorations of an additional relationship that has a wonderful potential to be kinky, sexual, and grow our friendship make me feel even more determined to keep some things closest to the core of the relationship between Eileen and I sacred.

One of the ways I described it to Eileen in a recent email to her was like this:

I'm very much looking forward to being able to share this with you--physically--when I can see you again. I desperately want to taste you and make you thrash in orgasmic pleasure again. When I'm like this, when I'm feeling calm and open to these feelings, I feel as though my sexual release truly does come more from your sexual pleasure than my own stimulation, although it is also interesting and important to note that at the same time, I feel as though I need more attention (whether physical or otherwise) to maintain it. Otherwise it is difficult to keep feeling calm and the openness turns into short-sightedness and impulsiveness, which I always regret.

[...]

I think one reason I am enjoying delaying my orgasms this week is because with all the developments ... and with all the missing you, I want to feel this connection [with you] as tangibly as I can, and keeping my orgasms for you (by obeying your wishes and keeping to my promises) makes me feel this connection stronger.

So...yeah. Ramblings of a boy who misses his girlfriend, who has a fetish for orgasm control, and who has been lucky enough to find love with an incredible girl who shares his kink.

Time goes on....