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Saturday, February 24, 2007

Finally a take on D/s that rings true for me

Ms. Rika's writings are absolutely amazing and brilliant. It seems silly to say anything more specific than that, though I will say that I found the following essays to be the most moving:



All of her writings can be described somewhat generally as being guidelines for managing successful 24/7 ("full time") D/s relationships. This is something of interest to me because it is a topic I know very little about. Despite what some people may think, submission is actually a relatively newly practiced thing for me. I've had years and years of top/bottom dynamics, but indeed, the first (and so far only) person I've ever felt I could be submissive to is Eileen. We've begun exploring D/s dynamics, but I believe we've only scratched the tip of the iceberg.

Unfortunately, the vast amount of information that is available on this topic comes from submissive men. This is a problem because I have no real practically applicable interest in hearing about what other submissive men feel about submission beyond stimulating thought internal to myself. The reason is obvious: I am a submissive man, and I know what I feel like already because I'm feeling it. Making sense of it may be hard, but my emotions are unique to me.

On the other hand, I am very interested to hear about what dominant females have to say about submissive men and D/s relationships from their perspective. The reason for this is likewise obvious. Ms. Rika's writings are educational because they shine a light onto the other side of the coin, the side that no matter how hard I try to see, I can only be told about. I'll never experience being a dominant female so my only ways to learn about that side of the equation and how to mesh better with it is by having it explained to me. Few people can explain themselves as eloquently as this lifestyle dominant can, which is one reason why her writings reached me strongly tonight.

(By the way, I'd also love find writings like this from dominant men about submissive men. That's kind of a tall order, I know, but if you have any bookmarks you're willing to share, I'm all ears!)

I wish I had the energy to write more about this right now, but I don't. Instead, let me list a few revelations that struck me when I was reading her essays:


  • Dominance and submission is a "layer" that is added to a relationship. This implies the obvious, that a relationship needs to exist as a foundation to add D/s onto, as well as the subtle: that D/s dynamics must be maintained equally by both partners for their respective roles. A submissive needs to be actively submissive, not being a mindless doormat (unless this is desired in a scene, see next point). Likewise, a dominant needs to be actively dominant, providing feedback and suggestions for things the sub can do better and recognizing these attempts.

  • The single ultimate purpose of submission is to have the submissive please the dominant partner, not have the dominant please the submissive. That may sound obvious, but the massively important implication here is that it's the submissive partner who must adapt his or her terms to align to the dominant partner's terms. Aligning to this "one-sided compromise" is what submission is all about for the submissive, while enforcing the straight-forward "that's the way it is because I said so, and I'm the dominant partner" logic is what domination is all about.

  • Scenes are not "lifestyle" D/s, but are instead manifestations of sex. A scene is kinky sex, whether or not sexual intercourse or other traditional sexual activities are involved and so the submissive is the equivalent of the so-called passive (or receptive) partner. Just like vanilla couples don't spend one hundred percent of their time fucking like rabbits in the backseats of cars, successful 24/7 D/s relationships don't spend all their time in scene. However, that doesn't mean that they're not doing the "24/7 thing." This finally brings to light for me why I feel differently about bottoming to things that feel like self-motivated service (having the urge to take care of Eileen and do things for her being second nature to me now) as opposed to bottoming to things that are done in a scene.

  • Punishments are scenes, and scenes typically require more effort from the dominant than the submissive (see earlier point; dominant is essentially the active sex partner). As a result, so-called punishments in D/s dynamics are really just scenes, or sex, and even if the activity isn't something the bottom enjoys, it's still ultimately providing a passive sexual experience. This explains to me why I never liked punishments in reality, but enjoy the fantasies of punishments so much. In other words, I don't want to be punished for real even though I do want to be submissive for real. Punishments, or what I've come to call "consequences" are part of the fantasy, kinky games I enjoy playing.



These definitions are, of course, my attempts at paraphrasing and making my own what Ms. Rika has written in her essays (which is why I suggest you go read them--that context will help you understand this post). They may be false for some people, but I don't think they are false for me. Something in what she writes clicks for me deep inside and makes clear distinctions that I had been confused about previously. The newly vivid distinctions have, in turn, provided insights into past experiences and motivations, both the successes and the failures.

Before I met and became involved with Eileen, I wondered about D/s relationships and even about 24/7 dynamics, but always considered them flawed in some way. However, for the first time ever, I'm starting to believe that with an accurate understanding of the deepest motivations behind and distinctions between Dominance and submission are and a solid handle on one's own self awareness and emotional barometer, a 24/7 D/s relationship may not just be possible but is something I've actually desired for a very, very long time.

Surely, I am not this Mistress's clone and so I will have different nuances from what she describes for herself and her slave and subs. Further discussion and refinement of these ideas is clearly warranted. Nevertheless, I feel confident and certain that these foundational elements are, at the very least, not far off "the truth" for me. That's an exciting prospect.

On that note, let me close this post with Ms. Rika's words from her article The Vanilla Domme:

notice this arrangement does not turn him into a spineless, mindless puppet. In fact, it's quite the opposite. He's encouraged to think. It also doesn't make him passive in bed. I like a man to be aggressive and to show his desire. This doesn't stop him from doing so. I do, however, reserve the right to be pleased on my terms, which may, or may not include an orgasm for him. If it pleases me to have him seduce me and take me to bed, give me an orgasm orally, even have intercourse but stop short of his orgasm…and then have him rub my back until I go to sleep…then keep his own erection up for 30 minutes more while I sleep before he goes to sleep himself, hard and frustrated, then that's what he must do. Sounds like he'll hate it? Well, yes…he will, but he'll thank me in the morning when he realizes how dominated he feels. Are you getting the picture?

2 comments:

Goddess Susan said...

Thanks so much for posting this. I have been to her site and it's a wonderful resource not only for D/s couples but for couples that like to just explore and have fun:)

The idea of having “scenes” in your sex life is helpful to people who are just looking for some spice.

maymay said...

Thanks, Susan. :) See the comment I left you on your own blog in response.