REDIRECTED TO MAYBEMAIMED.COM: Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed

This Kink on Tap is kind of an extended addendum to our previous episode where we talk about and introduce the topic of sexual teasing and denial and chastity play. If you haven't listened to that episode already, I strongly urge you to do so.

The best part, however, is that Tom Allen from the Edge of Vanilla joined Eileen and I to talk about his personal experiences. Of course, the advantage of having someone on the phone is that you can ask personal qusetions and get immediate, personal responses.

There's no shortage of that in this converastion, where Tom shares a lot about his own reasons for enjoying chastity, the way in which this kind of sexual power play developed in the relationship with his (very blessed) wife, and of course why this kink in particular is often thought of as being very "vanilla." I couldn't help but share some of my own opinions and experiences as well, and Eileen does the same.

Lest you think that Tom's always this cerebral, however, don't forget about his super-hot chastity porn. My own fantasies tend to drift towards slightly more painful tastes, but that doesn't stop me from being the first to admit that I've sprung more than my fair share of hard-ons looking at Tom's stuff.

As always, I hope you enjoy this episode of Kink on Tap and invite your feedback of any kind (though especially regarding audio engineering) either as comments here or by emailing kinkontap+feedback@gmail.com. Have something you want to hear talked about or a story you want to share? Write to me at kinkontap+viewermail@gmail.com (and don't question why it's called viewer mail, 'cuz I wouldn't know what to tell you).

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This morning a friend asked me to give her an image that turns me on, followed by an image that is iconic of a "top" or a "domme" and then to determine whether the answers to those two questions share any key visual elements. Yes, this friend's really smart, by the way.

In response, I told her that the first thing that popped into my mind of an image that turns me on was Eileen's lips and tongue during the blowjob she unexpectedly gave me last night, but that's only because I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for the past twelve hours or so. In fact, if my friend had asked me for an image that turns me on another day, I probably wouldn't have said blowjobs at all.

The last significant mouth-on-penis action I've received hasn't been for more than two and a half years. Before that I wasn't even that excited about blowjobs. Handjobs always felt better to me anyway, so I wasn't very interested in getting them, though I don't think I ever turned down the opportunity. All my partners were far more skilled with their hands than their mouths anyway but more interestingly—and more to the point—I liked handjobs more because it was easier to bottom to them.

Few men can deny the fact that having someone else's hands around your genitals can be a vulnerable position. Of course, it isn't always intended that way (unless you're me, in which case it probably is) but our culture is saturated with images and stories of men's genitals being vulnerable in the hands of women. It's even in our slang: "She has got me by the balls" means that I am well and truly dominated by her control of the situation. I'm not sure why this is supposed to be a bad thing (</sarcasm>), but it is.

Contrast this with any imagery of blowjobs displayed by popular culture and the exact reverse is true. For some reason, people seem to think that putting your penis in someone else's mouth gives you some kind of control over the situation and makes the person whose mouth is around your genitals submissive. This has always been somewhat baffling to me, because it is far easier to hurt my penis with your teeth than it is to hurt it with your hands. Is my penis somehow more vulnerable to teeth than a so-called "Alpha Male"'s is? I'd love to know if it is, as I've unfortunately had no experience putting real live penises in my mouth.

(As an aside: if you want me to feel submissive while you make me go down on your cock then you should use something along the lines of a ring gag (NSFW) while you do it. Not that there aren't other ways to make fellatio into a submissive act—you could close my nose so I have trouble breathing, or hold a knife at my neck, or you could just whisper in my ear that you know how badly I want to drown the back of my throat in ejaculate, but the point is that it's all about how you do what you're doing.)

I think blowjobs are so riddled with unnecessary connotations of submission that whenever my previous partners went down on me they were, in effect, submitting. (As another aside, these particular past partners were for the most part submissive women, which I'm sure had something to do with it. Why my dating history has a 3-to-1 ratio of submissive women to dominant women is, however, another frustrating post entirely.) While I enjoy sexual stimulation from a talented mouth as much as the next man, girls who go down on me with a disposition that is solely intended to please are just not as sexy as the ones who do it with a mind for taking control of me.

There are two times in life when people will show you their true emotions. The first is during a round of poker. The second is during sex.

It should probably be obvious, but maybe it's not: submissive men like assertive blowjobs, not amiable ones. In fact, in case one thing doesn't lead you to the other, submissive men like assertiveness and control in general. We like assertive handjobs and masturbation, fucking (of many varieties), kissing, and pussy-licking. In other words, we enjoy all the very same sexual acts anyone else does, but what we enjoy most about them is the assertiveness and control of our dominant partners.

So when Eileen took hold of my wrist and placed it behind my back as she enveloped my penis with her throat, I nearly shuddered from the hotness. There was the key visual element that combined one of the sexiest things I have ever seen with my iconic image of female dominance: assertive and control, wanting me and taking me. She took me, this time, with her mouth.

She licked my cock from base to head and from head to base, not in worship to me but in her own indulgence. Whereas before I was used to blowjobs being a rather piston-like up and down motion or a stationary sucking sensation (penises aren't straws, by the way), Eileen's mouth slowly travelled all over my shaft. When she combined a powerful suction on my penis' corona with vertical strokes from her tongue I had to say it out loud: "I'm going to orgasm if you keep doing that." And in response, she eased up just enough to make it possible for me not to come.

In response to my friend's second question asking for an iconic image of a "top" or "domme," I responded that to come up with one is actually pretty difficult. After all, there are so many different looks that I associate with dominance. Does the so-called iconic female dominant have long hair or short hair? Is she dressed in tight clothing or is she lounging in bathrobes? It can all be hot.

So my answer was that an image iconic of a female top or domme for me, at that moment when she asked, was a tall woman wearing jeans that shows off her ass nicely and some kind of tank-top-like shirt, probably black. It's comfortable yet sexy—sexy because she's comfortable. And in my fantasies, she's holding something, like a knife in her right hand and a coiled rope in her left, not to be too specific about it. (I realized later that I was actually just describing Eileen in one of her more playful moods, but that's besides the point right now.)

Clearly I have a thing for the outdoorsy look, but what I really have a thing for is the confident type. This should be no secret (and if it is, I pity you and would like to invite you to listen especially close right now), but confidence is always sexy. Always. It's sexy to me when you look into my eye and feel confident enough to know you can make me hard just by licking your lips.

Confidence is about being sexy, regardless of orientation or activity. Assertiveness and control is about taking that confidence and applying it to a particular sexual power dynamic. Like, you know, leaving me literally laughing on our bed from desperate arousal after giving me the most dominant blowjob I've ever felt and then smiling as you tell me there's not a chance you'll let me orgasm tonight.

I'm finally starting to feel a little bit better today. In celebration, I thought I'd share with you all one of my older web pages, created back in February of this year with the help of two good friends. This one is about Real Ultimate Male Chastity. I hope you enjoy it.

Also, if you're not already familiar with the Internet phenomenon of Real Ultimate Power, you may enjoy checking out the original web site and its parody directory.

Perhaps this should be three separate posts, but whatever. In preparation for Floating World, Jefferson from over on One Life, Take Two has asked for some reader participation. The topics are absolutely fascinating so I couldn't help but offer my input:

1) Do you blog about sex? Let me know your site, your reasons forblogging, and your experiences as a blogger.

My experiences blogging are somewhat unusual because I have been blogging since before it was called blogging. Back in 1995, I set up a web site for bipolar youth on which I kept a semi-regular running journal. I was 12 or so at the time. My life since then is a remarkably open book. I find that blogging is one of the key techniques I use to maintain self-awareness and self-observation. I do this about sex, but I also do this about friends and family life, social events, and my work life. Making things public just makes things more accessible. I've gotten correspondence from people and have friends I would not have had other wise. To date, I've never experienced a profoundly negative effect from public blogging.

I keep getting warned that one day this is going to bite me, and you know what, maybe it will. But I've already gained so much from my own openness that it seems like a silly thing to fear the potential backlash of the future. I am much stronger now anyway, more confident but also more of a success in other people's eyes. It becomes very difficult, I believe, to point at someone and say "You're bad because of this or that" when you are presented with all the other things they have done that you don't have any problem with.

Those of you who only read this blog may not know about the other topics I write about elsewhere, and those people will probably not wander on over here to read about kink and BDSM. As a result, while I am just one voice, I am a voice for many things. It's that kind of diversity that gives people their strength and which makes it hard to demonize any one aspect of a person's life.

2) What are your experiences with male bisexuality? I'm interested in your personal experiences as well as those involving friends, lovers and/or communities. Anyone is welcome to reply; you needn't be bisexual or identify as male to have an opinion or experience to relate.

I'm a bisexual guy. Bisexuality is hard: there is very little community identity because I don't know of any bisexual guys (or girls?) who are *only* bisexual. Everyone is bi but also kinky or heavily involved in LGBT activism (from which I've noticed the B and the T get dropped very frequently), or something else such as polyamory. Indeed, I am guilty of this myself. It's been to my own detriment, in fact, because while I strongly desire male-male experiences I have been focused elsewhere.

It doesn't help that community norms typically marginalize male bisexuality, and it is infuriating that female bisexuality is actually expected to be par for the course. (First because, hey, I want some of that same-sex action, too, and secondly because don't you think this is completely unfair to the women who aren't interested in other women?) I often shy away from meeting gay men because all too often they dismiss my homosexual interests as merely a passing fad. Or sometimes the reverse case, where my heterosexual interests are inauthentic. To this I say that they have clearly not been reading their own "liberation" material.

Furthermore, the notion of claiming a bisexual identity because it is the cool thing to do, annoyingly dubbed "bi chic" and thankfully not nearly so big a social stigma anymore as it was in the mid-1990's, casts nothing but more shadow over an already veiled identity. Conversely, there is the popular notion of "forced bi", wherein self-declared straight men have irresistable fantasies about being forced into sexual encounters with other men. (Oh, and that's another thing that pisses me off: guys who say they are bi for the sole purpose of getting women. But that's a whole 'nother rant.) When I was in high school and trying to understand what my body was telling me, I struggled for longer than I'd like to admit with the binary idea that I was either gay or straight, but that bisexuality was not an option.

What is it about such black-and-white simplicity that is so attractive to so many people? It's easy, but it's false. Once again, the diversity and fluidity of my gender identity is extremely important to me, and is something I think is actually a healthy thing for everybody to have an understanding about.

3) What are your experiences and interests on g spot and p spotstimulation? Do you enjoy them? Are you frustrated by an inability tolocate them, or to stimulate them?

Kind of dovetailing off the last item, one of the reasons why I am a little hard-up for male-male action is because I absolutely love receiving anal sex. This is primarily because the prostate stimulation is so intense for me. Maybe I'm just wired differently than most people (though I doubt it), but prostate stimulation is so incredibly spot-on (no pun intended), that I am convinced it's one of the most perfect developments in the natural world.

I've never had any problem stimulating my prostate. I've been doing so as a regular part of masturbation since my very early adolescent years (about 11 or so). I started by first pressing my fingers into my perineum and gently rubbing across it. Eventually I began to anally penetrate myself with my fingers. Thank goodness for flexibility! When I masturbate this way, I feel like orgasm approaches much, much quicker than it would otherwise. It's a wonderful addition to sexual play, one I enjoy a lot. I've since bought toys specifically for this purpose, such as the aneros helix. At times, it's actually difficult for me to avoid ejaculating when sexual stimulation is supplemented with prostate stimulation. When I met my current partner, Eileen, we quickly took to strap-on sex in part for this reason.

However, another aspect to our prostate stimulation playtime actually stems from our orgasm control and chastity kinks. Prostate stimulation is a central part of many submissive men's chastity regimes for reasons of perceived prostatic health. In addition, the incredible arousal I experience when my prostate is stimulated makes me super horny. Eileen calls it "stoking my fire" when she fingers me. It's very effective for sexual teasing because many men, myself included, can't ejaculate powerfully via prostate stimulation alone if they can even reach orgasm at all. The net result is that I get more horny, but can't relieve my arousal. That, of course, is the point.

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I wrote a little computer program the other month to count how long it's been since my last orgasm, and to keep track of the details of that orgasm. Tonight my program is telling me that it's been 14.113634259259 days, or 338.72722222222 hours since my last orgasm. (It also shows me the number in weeks, minutes, and seconds, but I'm figuring that's kind of superfluous information.) This is kind of remarkable to me because it simulatenously feels like it's been a lot longer and not long at all.

My previous orgasm, that is, the one before the one 14 days ago, was had on the 22^nd of March. It was 34 days between the orgasm in March and the one fourteen days ago, which is my new record. (Yes, in part I am writing this because I feel like bragging a little bit, even though that's nothing compared to what some of you people do, I know.)

For a little while now, Eileen's been saying she's saving me for her. I like this. I'm a big fan of twisting traditional concepts around for the sake of perversions and this is a great example of that. "I'm saving you for me," she would say. The implication is incredibly hot: I'm her's to save for as long as she wants, unreleased until she chooses to have me otherwise. The twist is on the notion of abstinence: it is, in my opinion, utterly stupid to be teaching children that abstinence is the best form of safer sex, so it is fun to hear her take this concept and turn it on its head—sort of.

When she asked over dinner if I had anything planned this weekend, my first thought was that I certainly wouldn't plan stuff now that she's asked. ;)

A long time ago a friend turned to me one night and said, "I'd play with you."

"Really? Thanks," I said. This reaction clearly surprised my friend because he stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me quizically.

"Thanks? I just told you what amounts to 'I'll have sex with you' in our scene, and I'm straight!" he said.

"Is playing really the same thing as having sex with someone?" I asked.

I think it's still a good question. The distinction between sex and BDSM play is often a funny one. Some people insist there is no difference, some people insist the two should be distinct and always separated, other people insist one is the other, and I've gone through so many different phases I forgot what I think right now. I do know, however, that never before in my life have I so closely linked playing with sexual activities and that is a direct result of Eileen's influences and our opportunities for play.

Case in point, the entire kink of orgasm denial is intensely sexual. It's not something I've ever done—or even mentioned, actually—to anyone I knew in person until I met Eileen. Thankfully, she broke the ice on the matter. I was all too happy to let the floodgates open.

Today, teasing and denial (or T&D as it's sometimes known to those of us for whom it's a common kink) is a central and integral part of not only our relationship but of our life. After all, how could something so fundamental as the freedom of sexual gratification not affect your life when you begin to play kinky games with it?

Which brings me to the point of sex and kink, and what lines, if any, are drawn between these things. It's obviously a very gray space, very few bits offering themselves as either black or white. Each person has their own take, informed by their personal interests and kinks.

A good friend of mine has recently confessed to wanting to top me. This, I think, is awesome, both because I think we would have a great time but also because I have never actually seen her switch with her boyfriend and would love the opportunity to do so. Of course, this was just a remark and I don't intend to read too much into it, but it did get me thinking. Is wanting to top me the same thing as wanting to, in some form or capacity, have sex with me, even if the sex is limited to something as commonplace as mentally undressing someone in your mind's eye? I'll confess to having had such thoughts myself.

It also wouldn't actually be the first time. About a year and a half ago, Eileen and two of her close friends (who are also my friends in their own right now, and yayness for that!) all triple-topped me one night in a very mild, practically introductory sort of breath play. I think if we were to actually play together again, it might help her if Eileen was there for part of it, or all of it, at least at first.

Of course, all of this needs a roundtable discussion, as is—and I believe should be—the way of things.

Okay, so here's a funny subject I've been trying to experiment with a little lately. This past week I've been locked up in the CB-3000 at my girlfriend's command. The last time I had been locked up wasn't for a good many months ago. (I have it recorded on my personal kink calendar, but without looking it up I'd say it's been at least four months since my last lock-up.) I'm glad that, after all this time, it's still relatively easy to get acclimated to wearing the device again. Sleeping is not a problem, comfort is hardly an issue, and overall it's not difficult to remain hygienic.

The thing that has changed between then and now, funnily enough, is the kinds of clothing I typically wear. My wardrobe is stocked full of form-fitting shirts and, more to the point, pants and underwear. My underwear inventory isn't even very good at accomodating my penis when I'm not locked in the chastity device (it's mostly very feminine wearables), so trying to maneuver into it with the bulk of the chastity device is an amusing challenge.

This has led me to experiment a lot more with what kinds of clothing work best when locked. I've had to consider both comfort and look, for obvious reasons. The results have surprised me!

For instance, it turns out that thongs (designed for women) are actually very comfortable to wear when I'm locked in the chastity device. It seems that the tightness of the thong stretching over the device gives me a lot of support in the needed area, and pulls the device downwards enough to avoid being a noticeable bulge in my pants. Since there's not a lot of fabric, it's also a lot easier for my bits to "breathe" if it's warm out. Wearing tidy whities or similar underwear is supportive enough, but also stifling. Besides, my ass looks like a million bucks in a thong. ;)

I've also found that low-rise women's jeans are way more comfortable than traditional men's style jeans. This is because it's trivial to place my package on either side of the seam without trouble, whereas in other styles of pants the seam itself gets in the way of things. Readjustments have been necessary on occasion, but it's not difficult to find a public restroom to do so.

Of course, I'm not sure how much of this is personal taste or actually making sense objectively, but whatever. My conclusions from all of this experimentation largely boil down to two salient points. These are:

1. I need to purchase way more thongs.


2. I can be a bit more bold in the style of my dress while locked up. (Yay!)

Surfing around again tonight, I found a very interesting post by Saratoga discussing chastity versus draining ("milking") a male submissive before play time. He describes the basic thrust of the concept like this:

The point is to make his ejaculatory moment as meaningless, humbling and unremarkable as possible. Pointedly waste his seed in an unceremonious manner. Then follow it up with brisk, focused activities which sweep his consciousness away from the release of his precious male sexual fluid to the infinitely more important tasks selected by his Mistress.

An interesting thought indeed. Why would one be interested in doing this? Saratoga writes:

This assures, as the Australian Domme stated, that the male is "serving (her) from submission, not from lust." Actually, I'd suggest, from my personal experience, that the boy may still serve his Mistress "from lust," but it would be from lust for Her, not lust for his own sexual release. So, male pre-play release would assure both a more purely submissive motivation for serving his Mistress, as well as a basis for his more purely lusting for Her, not his own sexual satisfaction.

Oh, okay, I get it. Try to ensure that the actions I am taking are in fact performed out of devotion, not a desire for self-gratification. Such a thing can be debated endlessly if taken to philosophical extremes, but let's assume for the sake of self-exploration that not all actions are ultimately selfish.

I can certainly relate to this idea at times. Surely, if I am denied sexual release, won't my compliance simply be a measure of how much I want an orgasm? Sometimes, yes. Is that the point? Sometimes, yes. It's an unmeasurable thing, really, to try and determine what intentions have provided the motivation for an action of someone else's. The dominant can't ever truly know, despite how much they may suspect one thing to be the reality over another possibility. If I am really horny, I might be performing some action out of a desire to please my dominant so that she or he might grant me an orgasmic climax, but I may not. Sometimes, it's hard for me to tell the difference--and that's the real reason I see some value in this approach to starting a scene.

I think this can be an interesting tool. For example, there are certainly physiological changes that happen in one's body that are dependent on where you are in the sexual response cycle. The release of endorphins is the common example and explains why so many of us feel as though we can take more pain when we are highly aroused. Now think about what it might do to you if you were forced to take a harsh paddling or a whipping after you have had an orgasm and not allowed to enjoy an afterglow. I think it would be pretty mentally distressing...and as such could prove to be a very, very powerful tool for a dominant to be aware of.

That is to say, draining a man prior to a scene isn't necessarily a means to ensure his devotion or intention for service, but it certainly will change the way his body and mind responds to certain things. Dominance is not about devotion, it's about using the tools you have at hand to control somebody else, devotion be damned. The awareness of how a submissive reacts differently to things before or after an orgasm was granted is one of these tools. The only way to get really good at using it is to practice, practice, practice.

Just my two cents….

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Last night, Eileen and I were cuddling in bed. I was horny and hard, of course, and I was thrilled when Eileen let me masturbate while I kissed her feet as I did so. Naturally, I was quickly on edge, and continued to edge while kissing her feet for quite a while (an estimated 30-45 minutes).

I have always found feet to be one of the funniest parts of the body. Not sexy funny, really, just ha-ha funny. However, there is something strangely comforting about resting my head on my girlfriend's feet, and humbling about kissing them. She has had me do this for her before, and even though it's not something I would do of my own volition, I find it very enjoyable. Tonight especially, I wondered if she was trying to make me associate worshiping her feet with the pleasure of masturbation. The thought is arousing in much the same way as it is humiliating, especially since it is the foot fetish that I typically associate with the standard "stand and model" crowd I dislike.

While I was edging, Eileen was busying herself on her laptop, stopping to lift my chin with her foot and look at me occasionally when I would make moaning sounds she enjoyed. When I was close to the edge, I kept thinking how much I was enjoying that feeling, and though I was very seriously considering begging for a release, I found myself instead hoping not to have one.

Ironically, after a while, I pushed myself just a little too far and felt myself peak just over the edge. Wanting to be good and to keep edging, I immediately stopped touching myself and tried my best to relax and let the orgasm fade as I had been doing before. I froze but it was too late, and after a few moments my penis weakly oozed out its ejaculate. I almost didn't notice it until it was nearly over; I had given myself an abandoned orgasm by accident.

"You beat me to it, naughty boy," she told me, sort of grinning, "I was going to let you cum. Better double the single-tail lashings." I already owed her 50 lashings for a previous accidental orgasm when she had to leave for her trip overseas, so now I've earned 100. (Though I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to these lashings or not.) I moaned aloud when she told me this, not because of the lashings but because she said she was going to let me cum.

I knew the orgasm she would have let me have would have been full and wonderful and a true release, but instead I had given myself a weak and ruined orgasm that didn't even help my erection waver. Our typical pattern is a release for me about once every 6-12 days (it had been 7 days since my last orgasm at that point), so I'm not expecting another one for a short while and I'm already craving it, loving the anticipation of my next release after having ruined my last one myself.

And...the thought of having had "missed" the real chance...that's also really turning me on. Hmm....

One of my Mistress's most amazing techniques in teasing me is very simple, yet very effective: she just doesn't touch me often. When she does, it is almost always very gentle caresses, feather-light kisses, slow licks. I always craved her touch, but rarely am I brought to such desperate desire than when she teases me with touches like these.

This past week was an intense string of anticipatory teases. Eileen even went so far as to whisper in my ear one night, "I have plans for you." The execution of this plan was mind-bogglingly hot, but that's a story I'll tell another time. This time, I want to make the observation that saying that itself was incredibly hot, and the anticipation it creates is an incredibly powerful tool in a tease.

I can't actually remember when the last time Eileen touched me in an traditionally and explicitly sexual way was. I'm sure she has not too long ago, but it's been a while. Our sexual behavior would probably confuse a lot of people. In the past couple of weeks, the only times I can remember that she has touched me sexually was when she either kissed me, very lightly moved her fingers over my cock in passing, or pressed my perineum to get at my prostate. It drives me crazy whenever she does this.

This kind of touch-but-not-really tease has literally made my body shiver and shake regularly. For some reason, I also drip a lot more precum when she teases me like this than when I'm stroked firmly. I think a lot of this has to do with the anticipation of the feelings itself; the body produces precum in anticipation of stimulation that indicates ejaculation, so it seems to make sense that stretching out or focusing on the anticipation itself would cause me to drip more.

The anticipatory sensation is especially apparent when I compare masturbation by my own hand with hers. When what I'm feeling is my own hand, I know precisely what I'm going to do. When it's her hand on me, I don't know what she'll do next and so I am primed for whatever it is without a pause. What's interesting in that situation is that most people seem to feel that having someone else masturbate them is more pleasurable, or at least differently so, than doing it themselves. I wonder how much of that pleasurable sensation is due to the feelings of anticipation.

Anticipation is also very apparent as part of orgasm denial. One of the main "reasons" for delaying an orgasm is that the longer you wait, the better it feels when you finally come. While this is certainly true for the intensity of the orgasm in many circumstances, I am thinking that the waiting itself, the anticipation of the coming orgasm (rather than the intensity of the orgasm itself) is another piece to the puzzle. What this means is that there are two kinds of teases: teases that focus on the intensity of the (hopefully) upcoming orgasm, and teases that focus on continuing the moments of pleasure just before orgasm.

I get off on things being unfair in a D/s relationship. I get fewer orgasms, I have less money, I have more tasks, and so on. The imbalance is a display of power, the unfairness stimulating as a reminder of my submission. But it's a tricky thing. It becomes a slippery slope very quickly. The unfairness of the situation itself is a powerful turn on.

Very much like the issue with punishment, I enjoy the fantasy of the unfairness more than I enjoy the reality of it. As a fantasy, things being unfair can be hot and arousing, accentuating the emotions of submission with emotions of helplessness at being "forced" to do something and of having no choice. In reality, when things are so imbalanced that they are wildly unfair, I become resentful or jealous ("my life is so much harder than yours"). This makes me believe that a very clear line must be drawn between the fantasy and the reality, and that these limits must be treated seriously. There's nothing wrong with playing with the fantasy, but making this fantasy a reality could lead to detrimental effects.

The most arousing fantasy of unfairness I have involves cuckolding and orgasm denial. Cuckolding in general is something that is a very, very dangerously slippery slope for most couples. If not communicated properly, performed carefully, or allowed to get to either partner's head too much, it can ruin a good relationship. I have never been cuckolded before, though I have been cheated on multiple times by more than one partner. Interestingly, even though these were horrible experiences, an element of them--the element of unfairness and cruelty--was arousing. I fantasize about my girlfriend with other men on a regular basis at the same time as I make myself anxious thinking about it.

My fantasy involves having my girlfriend masturbate another guy until he orgasms, possibly several times, allowing him to have sex with her or to use me to obtain his climax while I am denied the same pleasure. Both of them would then taunt and tease me about how unfair it is that he gets all the orgasms he wants and I don't get any. This is, very much like the punishment scenario, something I may not find arousing in reality, but the fantasy is incredibly powerful.

I wonder what things we can do to ease the negative emotions that would come up if this sort of thing became a reality....

One way to do this that doesn't touch on the emotions triggered by involving a third person is to use pornography to showcase other people's orgasms, such as pictures of cumshots or videos of people having orgasms (see, for example, Beautiful Agony) or of course, watching my partner masturbate. For some reason, however, it's a more powerful tease if the person orgasming is a guy (since I am). Another fantasy image I have often is that of being tied up, perhaps spread eagled to a bed, and being made to watch clips of guys getting off in any numberof ways while I, myself, am getting teased to the edge again and again, listening to my Mistress goading me on about how badly I must want to shoot like the guys in the videos (or the man she's with).

That's all really, just some late-night fantasy wonderings.

Browsing around for some new blogs tonight, I found a post that Hardwired Submissive Man titled Tease and Denial. In his post, he writes a little about being masturbated teasingly:

It was easy to tell that her motivation wasn't to let me finish, but to tease and torment. I absolutely ADORE this kind of play. A relentless tease is far more exciting than an orgasm and i find i never have to worry about the "let down" after.

There are lots of times when I feel very much like that. I also absolutely adore teasing and tormenting attentions. They're fantastic because it's an indulgence for my fantasies, her attention is intent and focused entirely on my body, and the pleasure really does cause a wonderful high. I also sometimes don't want the high to end because I know that what comes after an orgasm is often a relative downswing.


Ups and downs are something I've been writing about in terms of emotions for years, but they're not actually something I've thought that much about when it comes to sex. Partly, this is because I like the orgasm, too and so a mild downswing seems like a fair price to pay. The orgasm is intensely pleasureable and I crave it often.

But the question is ultimately what do I crave, the orgasm I lust after or the lusting itself? Sometimes I think the answer is one, sometimes it's the other, and sometimes it's both. I think a major part of my desire for orgasm control is because it's truly difficult to know what's what in my head sometimes. When instead I obey whatever command I am given by Eileen and she chooses for me, I can be assured that no matter what happens, I will be doing what she wants and I am always gauranteed pleasure from that outcome.

I don't really think this will happen any time soon, but as is the case with most of my writing, it tends to come out in spurts. (Hmm, freudian spill, there?) ;) Anyway, to help prevent this from dying down, and because it's just plain fun, I'm instituting a "Wednesday Wanderings" content category for my blog, which will basically be a short list of links about some topic with a short blurb about what I think about what I've found there.

Several good things can come of this. First, it will keep me trying to find good stuff out there. I don't want to link to uninteresting or redundant things. Second, it will keep me reading about things I have not read about before. This is more than just fun for the sake of variety--although that's a major benefit right there--but it's also an important ingrediant for learning. Third, it'll provide a nice way for me to say thank you to others who have put the time and energy into making something worth consuming. (Damn freudian slips.)

That said, a few caveats are in order. There's a ton of reading material out there, and there are only 24 hours in the day. Most of these hours I have to spend doing things other than reading about BDSM, which is indeed unfortunate but true. As a result, I may not actually read every last word of every last page I link to. It just isn't feasible. Second, I'm not actually endorsing anything I link to, I'm just linking to it because for one reason or another, I found it cool.

(As a side note, Goddess Alexandra posted a very touching entry regarding the expectation or idea that D/s is a full-time thing. Or rather, that it doesn't have to be. It's another great example of trying the shoe on for size and only buying it if it fits. I think you should read it.)

Finally, the obvious question: "Don't you link to tons of stuff in normal posts anyway?" Yes, it's true that I do this all the time anyway, but I think having some kind of publication schedule will help me keep this site active as well as maintain my interest in all these other areas. Besides, sometimes a list format is just easier to speed-read through than a blog post.

So without further ado, the first Wednesday Wandering list is below:

• Making Him Your Dream Man: Male Chastity FAQ - I'm sure it's no surprise that male orgasm denial is on the first Wednesday Wandering list. This 8-step guide to male chastity is illustrated with cartoons in the style of Jan Thor's Chastity Belt Page and I found them to be a lot of fun.
  
  The steps themselves are short, simple explanations and written with a wonderful conversational tone. There's nothing in-depth here, but it's a fun read and is a great, gentle introduction to male chastity for women (aka, The Vanila Domme) who may not understand why they might be interested.


• Maria's Diary - The author of this site (Maria, if you haven't guessed), bills it as the "thoughts and experiences of a dominant wife," and that's a great synopsis. What sort of experiences does this dominant wife have, however? Well, lots! And not just with her husband.
  
  Maria cuckolds her husband Martin, and they both get off on it quite a bit. What I loved about the few diary entries I've read here is that she doesn't focus on just one aspect of her play or relationship, but actually tells the full story of each experience from background to actual experience all the way through reflection. She even writes about the conversations she has with husband about the cuckoldry itself. Maria writes a lot, she writes expressively, and there are even pictures! I've already bookmarked her diary and printed out the first article so I can read it on the train today.
  
  Unfortuantely she has decided not to write more in her diary, and from what I gathered it seemed to be the result of too much less-than-positive attention. Nevertheless, the archives are fantastic and I encourage you to read them if cuckoldry and female dominance have any interest to you at all.


• Lady Julia's Entranced Realm - One of my favorite Femdom bloggers, Julia's site is full of wonderful accounts of her experiences on her blog and throughout the rest of her site that are told in one of the kindest, most personable ways I've seen. She is engaging, intelligent and opinionated, but best of all open to debate and discussion, so if you read her posts don't hesitate to comment on them!
  
  Additionally, and this is why she's making my list today, she has a wealth of information on the topic of erotic hypnosis (her hypnosis articles are not to be missed) which has just recently become a new fascination for me. I've already found some eye-opening stuff by perusing these articles and you can rest assured I'll certainly be reading the remainder of them.

Okay, so that's my Wednesday Wandering list for the first week of March 2007. Not many, but as we all damn well know, the point is quality, not quantity, right? ;)

Happy clicking. And remember: not all who wander are lost!

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The amazing Ms. Rika, whose insights have earned her an unusual place as someone I am truly admiring recently, posted a long time ago on her forums about the duality necessary for teasing and denial to be effective:

I got to thinking that Tease and Denial is more effective than the sum of its parts. It's not only the length of the tease, or the number of denials. It's the combination of buildup and withdrawl.

You can't be effective with either without the other. If you tell a man he's not going to orgasm tonight, but don't stimulate him (denial only), it's no where nearly as effective as if he is stimulated even though he knows he can't complete. Likewise, if you tease a man and finally allow him to orgasm(tease only), it's not as effective as prohibiting release. It takes very little stimulation and very quick denial to be effective. Sure, a longer buildup and multiple denials will be even more effective, but you don't always have the time - or desire - to be so sub-centric for so long. So you can go for a quicky that's every effective.

Thus her suggestion:

So if you're going to deny him, you may as well put a little stimulation in front of it...a quick fondle, a squeeze or two, or a little fetish play and then, goodnight. Give him quick hope and then take it away...Quick and effective.

I think this is one of those things that is so true it's often overlooked, and so taken for granted that it's hard to notice why it works so well. A while ago, I wrote elsewhere about an experience not unlike one that Ms. Rika describes.

Before going to bed, she and I cuddled over the sheets. Then she started caressing me, very lightly rolling her fingers over my body in every single erogenous part of me except my penis. It made me harder than I'd been all day in mere moments, so she kept it up (figurately and literally, actually--no pun intended). My penis was literally oozing droplets of precum in minutes and had a relatively thick, long "tear trail" of it by the time she finished that had dropped into my pubic hair. It took all I had to keep my hands away from my penis. I literally can not remember a time when I had ever been that…desperate for relief.

[&hellip]

She made an interesting remark while I was trying to relax the first time that went something like this: Looks like the best way to tease you is not to touch you at all! This ellicited a needy groan at the time, but got me thinking that perhaps she may have hit on something very true, but perhaps not entirely correct. It's not really true that the best way to tease me is not to touch me at all. The sublety is that she did, of course, touch me to tease me. However, tonight she did so in a way like never before. She teased me by, well, tantalizing my penis-- starving it of stimulation but not attention--and never actually teasing it directly.

This ironic situation is the one that most turns me on, I think because it showcases the control and puts a spotlight on the D/s dynamic involved in the play. And, well, that's hot.

Recently, several of my favorite BDSM bloggers have chimed in on their mutual frustrations with the state of male chastity devices being sold today. For instance, Ms. Alice writes about her experience trying to get a male chastity device that works. Ms. Claudia echoes the sentiment as well. I have to agree; it is a frustrating state of affairs, that's for sure, that an effective male chastity device is so hard to find. No single device is good for everyone and the state of the art is downright medieval.

Until such a time as a truly effective male chastity device can be created, I think it's necessary that orgasm denial be partly a matter of trust and strength in the relationship. My girlfriend and I have had similar frustrations with devices, but also are very keen on the notion that my denial is by her will alone. Frankly, sometimes it's a lot harder for me that way because even though I desperately want to get release, I don't give it to myself even though I can. The temptation can be maddening sometimes.

That said, there is a place dear to my heart for enforced orgasm denial, to the point where my will truly breaks and I do whatever I can to get relief physically. With the CB-3000 we have now, that fantasy is still just a fantasy because I can achieve a sort of orgasm while still locked inside it, though admittedly not one that is really satisfying at all.

Still, there is no denying the logic that chastity devices are intended (as far as most people are concerned) to effectively hand over 100% of the control to the keyholder. Putting the question of whether a physical device will ever be able to be that effetive aside, the percentage we're looking at now won't get near 100% unless the state of the art improves.

I wonder, then, if perhaps the next generation of chastity devices won't be physical contraptions at all, but rather a drug. Or maybe even a nasal spray? Just imagine the possibilities. ;)

I've been attending a ton more meetings lately. This is certainly due, in large part, to the lovely social explosion my life has recently experienced. It's a ton of fun to get out of the house, feeling energized (that in itself a function of my work proving much less stressful these past few weeks), and being able to go out and listen to other people's ideas of kink and BDSM play.

Today, I attended a presentation given by a graduate student on conditioning and, ultimately, behavior modification. It was extraordinarily academic (her handout had a bibliography!), which was both interesting and slightly disappointing. Part of me just wanted to hear about some more kinky ideas for play. However, I learned a lot, and will need to do a lot of googling later on to learn even more.

Not surprisingly, much of the example scenarios that the presenter did bring up involved orgasm control; it's not just such an obviously kinky application of conditioning, but it's also the application that has the greatest amount of research behind it. (Best quote of the day: "I'm still shocked at what you can get grant money for!") There was a ton of valuable information in the presentation, but let me summarize what I found to be the salient learning points for my own reference.

Conditioning is the academic term for what people in the BDSM scene more often call "training." This is an interesting point because I've often disliked the word training. It conjures up silly images of professional dominatrices (dominatrixes?) offering some form of "training" to clients who pay them to do so. The pro-domme, in that image, is the one I see as the trained, submissive partner. In fact, knowing many pro-dommes as friends (way more than I can count on two hands by now), I hold this belief strongly because many (though not all) of them are, by their own admission, submissives in their heart of hearts. To hear the two terms associated as two perspectives of the same coin has triggered a new way of relating to the term and by extension, the people who use the terminology.

The only context in which I used to feel comfortable thinking about "being trained" was that in puppy play scenes, and that never had anything to do with conditioning but with roleplay. What struck me, however, wasn't the academic exaplanation but rather how the academic understanding of these concepts could lead to a far better understanding of how to apply such behavior modification and conditioning techniques to BDSM training scenarios in a truly D/s dynamic--one that is predicated on a real, strong, loving D/s relationship.

So what is conditioning? Conditioning is about creating a conditioned response to a neutral stimulus. This is not only academically fascinating, but is also at the root of all fetishes. In fact, sexual response is largely believed to be the result of two kinds of conditioning: classical conditioning and operant conditioning.

How does conditioning work? Most of us already know, but in a nutshell, classical conditioning works like this, using Pavlog's dogs as an example:

1. An unconditioned stimulus (food) produces an unconditioned response (salivating).


2. A neutral stimulus (bell) is introduced along with the unconditioned stimulus (food), creating an association over time between the neutral stimulus and the unconditioned response (salivating).


3. Eventually, the neutral stimulus becomes a conditioned stimulus (bell) which, by itself, causes a conditioned response (salivating).

Note how the response never changed. In Pavlov's dogs example, it was always salivating. In kinky scenarious, it may be something else. For the sake of example and enjoyment, let's do the same thing but with the not-so-hypothethical example of how I "learned" to love playful spanking:

1. An unconditioned stimulus (singletail whippings, an often playful event for my play) produces an unconditioned response (masochistic enjoyment).


2. A neutral stimulus (spanking) is introduced along with the unconditioned stimulus (singletail whippings), creating an association over time between the neutral stimulus and the unconditioned response (masochistic enjoyment).


3. Eventually, the neutral stimulus becomes a conditioned stimulus (spanking) which, by itself, causes a conditioned response (masochistic enjoyment).

This can be applied to so many things and has so many uses in BDSM and kinky relationships that it's really unending. The example above demonstrates how conditioning can be used to increase kink compatibility between partners. I used to hate getting my ass spanked. Now I rather enjoy it, and I even wiggle my butt to get it some attention when I'm feeling like playing.

However, there are some additional things that I learned tonight that were exceptionally helpful to realize. As it turns out, successfully conditioning someone is a lot more complex than simple pairing of stimulus as the classical conditioning example would have you believe. If other factors aren't taken into account, it just won't work. Some of these factors are well-researched, some are still unknown, and still others are emotional.

For instance, I learned tonight that there is a concept in this field of psychology called habituation. Habituation is the notion that boredom with a certain stimulus works against the conditioning response for sexual purposes. No one masturbates to the same porn or the exact same fantasy over and over again. Mixing it up keeps things hot. (This probably, and finally, explains my recent enjoyment of the various "games" I am wanting to play in the arena of orgasm control.) In other words, variety is not only the spice of life, it's also an essential ingrediant in successful slave or puppy training, for example, or in any kind of conditioning.

Mixing it up a little requires the introduction of operant conditioning. In a nutshell, operant conditioning is a reward and punishments system; organisms want to increase pleasure and decrease suffering. The trick is knowing what is pleasureable and what is not. In other words, newsflash! Masochists do not consider pain as suffering.

Interestingly, several factors all combine to indicate that rewards are far more effective than punishments. In one simple example, once rewards are established, the removal of the reward is often a sufficient punishment in and of itself. Simple and effective. Rewards are all about positive reinforncement. Do well, and you'll get a treat.

However, what happens if you tell a dog to sit, and each time it sits you give the dog the treat? It will sit, but it will expect the treat. If it doesn't get it the next time you ask it to sit, what will happen? The dog will stand up. The conditioned response has gone because the reward was removed, and this is called extinction. In order to keep the dog obeying your commands you need to place it on a constant reinforcement schedule. This is, obviously, suboptimal for a D/s dynamic because it forces the dominant to constantly maintain the desired behavior in the submissive.

Much more powerful than a constant reinforcement schedule is an intermittent reinforcement schedule. In such a schedule, rather than getting a treat every time the dog sits, it only gets the treat sometimes. To further strengthen the reinforcement, the dog gets not one kind of treat, but any one of a set of many kinds of treats. This creates uncertainty in the submissive, and results in the trained behavior being maintained with much less effort and for much longer periods of time because the submissive doesn't know when or what its reward will be, so it obeys at all times.

All of this reinforcement talk is reminiscent of Ms. Rika's fantastic essay on Rewards vs. Treats. In fact, it's mostly the same exact thing, only Ms. Rika seems to intuitively understand what I have only understood through intellectualizing the question. She states that positive reinforcement should be intermittent because it emphasizes the dominant's control. Indeed, she is reffering to an intermittent reinforcement schedule used along with operant conditioning.

Now, finally, with a strong foundational understanding of how conditioning works, we can understand why the following tips and tricks are so effective:

• Set small, realistic goals and reward these baby-steps when they are taken successfully frequently. Taking this approach to conditioning is typically more successful than setting large goals and providing one "large lump sum" reward at the end. Again, classical conditioning teaches us that it takes time to change behavior, and that it is easier to change behavior in small ways gradually than in large ways quickly.


• Make sure you find rewards that work. What's the best way to learn about these for your particular dynamic? Ask the submissive what s/he likes! Make a list of all these rewards and their percieved values and create an intermittent reward schedule to reinforce the desired behavior when it occurs. (As a sidenote, this means my girlfriend and I need to rethink our "consequence" box for accidental orgasms.)


• Avoid confusing punishments with play. Again, a masochist does not see beatings as a punishment. Instead, removal of the rewards is often a far more effective punishment. It is also safer and prevents you from setting yourself up for failure.


• Make sure you are aware of what behavior you want to encourage, and what you don't. Be aware of your own behavior and the behavior of others such that you will be able to recognize the good behavior when it happens; it's a lot easier to spot the problem behavior than the desired one.