REDIRECTED TO MAYBEMAIMED.COM: Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed

I've been attending a ton more meetings lately. This is certainly due, in large part, to the lovely social explosion my life has recently experienced. It's a ton of fun to get out of the house, feeling energized (that in itself a function of my work proving much less stressful these past few weeks), and being able to go out and listen to other people's ideas of kink and BDSM play.

Today, I attended a presentation given by a graduate student on conditioning and, ultimately, behavior modification. It was extraordinarily academic (her handout had a bibliography!), which was both interesting and slightly disappointing. Part of me just wanted to hear about some more kinky ideas for play. However, I learned a lot, and will need to do a lot of googling later on to learn even more.

Not surprisingly, much of the example scenarios that the presenter did bring up involved orgasm control; it's not just such an obviously kinky application of conditioning, but it's also the application that has the greatest amount of research behind it. (Best quote of the day: "I'm still shocked at what you can get grant money for!") There was a ton of valuable information in the presentation, but let me summarize what I found to be the salient learning points for my own reference.

Conditioning is the academic term for what people in the BDSM scene more often call "training." This is an interesting point because I've often disliked the word training. It conjures up silly images of professional dominatrices (dominatrixes?) offering some form of "training" to clients who pay them to do so. The pro-domme, in that image, is the one I see as the trained, submissive partner. In fact, knowing many pro-dommes as friends (way more than I can count on two hands by now), I hold this belief strongly because many (though not all) of them are, by their own admission, submissives in their heart of hearts. To hear the two terms associated as two perspectives of the same coin has triggered a new way of relating to the term and by extension, the people who use the terminology.

The only context in which I used to feel comfortable thinking about "being trained" was that in puppy play scenes, and that never had anything to do with conditioning but with roleplay. What struck me, however, wasn't the academic exaplanation but rather how the academic understanding of these concepts could lead to a far better understanding of how to apply such behavior modification and conditioning techniques to BDSM training scenarios in a truly D/s dynamic--one that is predicated on a real, strong, loving D/s relationship.

So what is conditioning? Conditioning is about creating a conditioned response to a neutral stimulus. This is not only academically fascinating, but is also at the root of all fetishes. In fact, sexual response is largely believed to be the result of two kinds of conditioning: classical conditioning and operant conditioning.

How does conditioning work? Most of us already know, but in a nutshell, classical conditioning works like this, using Pavlog's dogs as an example:

1. An unconditioned stimulus (food) produces an unconditioned response (salivating).


2. A neutral stimulus (bell) is introduced along with the unconditioned stimulus (food), creating an association over time between the neutral stimulus and the unconditioned response (salivating).


3. Eventually, the neutral stimulus becomes a conditioned stimulus (bell) which, by itself, causes a conditioned response (salivating).

Note how the response never changed. In Pavlov's dogs example, it was always salivating. In kinky scenarious, it may be something else. For the sake of example and enjoyment, let's do the same thing but with the not-so-hypothethical example of how I "learned" to love playful spanking:

1. An unconditioned stimulus (singletail whippings, an often playful event for my play) produces an unconditioned response (masochistic enjoyment).


2. A neutral stimulus (spanking) is introduced along with the unconditioned stimulus (singletail whippings), creating an association over time between the neutral stimulus and the unconditioned response (masochistic enjoyment).


3. Eventually, the neutral stimulus becomes a conditioned stimulus (spanking) which, by itself, causes a conditioned response (masochistic enjoyment).

This can be applied to so many things and has so many uses in BDSM and kinky relationships that it's really unending. The example above demonstrates how conditioning can be used to increase kink compatibility between partners. I used to hate getting my ass spanked. Now I rather enjoy it, and I even wiggle my butt to get it some attention when I'm feeling like playing.

However, there are some additional things that I learned tonight that were exceptionally helpful to realize. As it turns out, successfully conditioning someone is a lot more complex than simple pairing of stimulus as the classical conditioning example would have you believe. If other factors aren't taken into account, it just won't work. Some of these factors are well-researched, some are still unknown, and still others are emotional.

For instance, I learned tonight that there is a concept in this field of psychology called habituation. Habituation is the notion that boredom with a certain stimulus works against the conditioning response for sexual purposes. No one masturbates to the same porn or the exact same fantasy over and over again. Mixing it up keeps things hot. (This probably, and finally, explains my recent enjoyment of the various "games" I am wanting to play in the arena of orgasm control.) In other words, variety is not only the spice of life, it's also an essential ingrediant in successful slave or puppy training, for example, or in any kind of conditioning.

Mixing it up a little requires the introduction of operant conditioning. In a nutshell, operant conditioning is a reward and punishments system; organisms want to increase pleasure and decrease suffering. The trick is knowing what is pleasureable and what is not. In other words, newsflash! Masochists do not consider pain as suffering.

Interestingly, several factors all combine to indicate that rewards are far more effective than punishments. In one simple example, once rewards are established, the removal of the reward is often a sufficient punishment in and of itself. Simple and effective. Rewards are all about positive reinforncement. Do well, and you'll get a treat.

However, what happens if you tell a dog to sit, and each time it sits you give the dog the treat? It will sit, but it will expect the treat. If it doesn't get it the next time you ask it to sit, what will happen? The dog will stand up. The conditioned response has gone because the reward was removed, and this is called extinction. In order to keep the dog obeying your commands you need to place it on a constant reinforcement schedule. This is, obviously, suboptimal for a D/s dynamic because it forces the dominant to constantly maintain the desired behavior in the submissive.

Much more powerful than a constant reinforcement schedule is an intermittent reinforcement schedule. In such a schedule, rather than getting a treat every time the dog sits, it only gets the treat sometimes. To further strengthen the reinforcement, the dog gets not one kind of treat, but any one of a set of many kinds of treats. This creates uncertainty in the submissive, and results in the trained behavior being maintained with much less effort and for much longer periods of time because the submissive doesn't know when or what its reward will be, so it obeys at all times.

All of this reinforcement talk is reminiscent of Ms. Rika's fantastic essay on Rewards vs. Treats. In fact, it's mostly the same exact thing, only Ms. Rika seems to intuitively understand what I have only understood through intellectualizing the question. She states that positive reinforcement should be intermittent because it emphasizes the dominant's control. Indeed, she is reffering to an intermittent reinforcement schedule used along with operant conditioning.

Now, finally, with a strong foundational understanding of how conditioning works, we can understand why the following tips and tricks are so effective:

• Set small, realistic goals and reward these baby-steps when they are taken successfully frequently. Taking this approach to conditioning is typically more successful than setting large goals and providing one "large lump sum" reward at the end. Again, classical conditioning teaches us that it takes time to change behavior, and that it is easier to change behavior in small ways gradually than in large ways quickly.


• Make sure you find rewards that work. What's the best way to learn about these for your particular dynamic? Ask the submissive what s/he likes! Make a list of all these rewards and their percieved values and create an intermittent reward schedule to reinforce the desired behavior when it occurs. (As a sidenote, this means my girlfriend and I need to rethink our "consequence" box for accidental orgasms.)


• Avoid confusing punishments with play. Again, a masochist does not see beatings as a punishment. Instead, removal of the rewards is often a far more effective punishment. It is also safer and prevents you from setting yourself up for failure.


• Make sure you are aware of what behavior you want to encourage, and what you don't. Be aware of your own behavior and the behavior of others such that you will be able to recognize the good behavior when it happens; it's a lot easier to spot the problem behavior than the desired one.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Ms. Rika's writings are absolutely amazing and brilliant. It seems silly to say anything more specific than that, though I will say that I found the following essays to be the most moving:

• True Submission


• Rewards vs. Treats


• The Power of Irony


• The Joy of Denial

All of her writings can be described somewhat generally as being guidelines for managing successful 24/7 ("full time") D/s relationships. This is something of interest to me because it is a topic I know very little about. Despite what some people may think, submission is actually a relatively newly practiced thing for me. I've had years and years of top/bottom dynamics, but indeed, the first (and so far only) person I've ever felt I could be submissive to is Eileen. We've begun exploring D/s dynamics, but I believe we've only scratched the tip of the iceberg.

Unfortunately, the vast amount of information that is available on this topic comes from submissive men. This is a problem because I have no real practically applicable interest in hearing about what other submissive men feel about submission beyond stimulating thought internal to myself. The reason is obvious: I am a submissive man, and I know what I feel like already because I'm feeling it. Making sense of it may be hard, but my emotions are unique to me.

On the other hand, I am very interested to hear about what dominant females have to say about submissive men and D/s relationships from their perspective. The reason for this is likewise obvious. Ms. Rika's writings are educational because they shine a light onto the other side of the coin, the side that no matter how hard I try to see, I can only be told about. I'll never experience being a dominant female so my only ways to learn about that side of the equation and how to mesh better with it is by having it explained to me. Few people can explain themselves as eloquently as this lifestyle dominant can, which is one reason why her writings reached me strongly tonight.

(By the way, I'd also love find writings like this from dominant men about submissive men. That's kind of a tall order, I know, but if you have any bookmarks you're willing to share, I'm all ears!)

I wish I had the energy to write more about this right now, but I don't. Instead, let me list a few revelations that struck me when I was reading her essays:

• Dominance and submission is a "layer" that is added to a relationship. This implies the obvious, that a relationship needs to exist as a foundation to add D/s onto, as well as the subtle: that D/s dynamics must be maintained equally by both partners for their respective roles. A submissive needs to be actively submissive, not being a mindless doormat (unless this is desired in a scene, see next point). Likewise, a dominant needs to be actively dominant, providing feedback and suggestions for things the sub can do better and recognizing these attempts.


• The single ultimate purpose of submission is to have the submissive please the dominant partner, not have the dominant please the submissive. That may sound obvious, but the massively important implication here is that it's the submissive partner who must adapt his or her terms to align to the dominant partner's terms. Aligning to this "one-sided compromise" is what submission is all about for the submissive, while enforcing the straight-forward "that's the way it is because I said so, and I'm the dominant partner" logic is what domination is all about.


• Scenes are not "lifestyle" D/s, but are instead manifestations of sex. A scene is kinky sex, whether or not sexual intercourse or other traditional sexual activities are involved and so the submissive is the equivalent of the so-called passive (or receptive) partner. Just like vanilla couples don't spend one hundred percent of their time fucking like rabbits in the backseats of cars, successful 24/7 D/s relationships don't spend all their time in scene. However, that doesn't mean that they're not doing the "24/7 thing." This finally brings to light for me why I feel differently about bottoming to things that feel like self-motivated service (having the urge to take care of Eileen and do things for her being second nature to me now) as opposed to bottoming to things that are done in a scene.


• Punishments are scenes, and scenes typically require more effort from the dominant than the submissive (see earlier point; dominant is essentially the active sex partner). As a result, so-called punishments in D/s dynamics are really just scenes, or sex, and even if the activity isn't something the bottom enjoys, it's still ultimately providing a passive sexual experience. This explains to me why I never liked punishments in reality, but enjoy the fantasies of punishments so much. In other words, I don't want to be punished for real even though I do want to be submissive for real. Punishments, or what I've come to call "consequences" are part of the fantasy, kinky games I enjoy playing.

These definitions are, of course, my attempts at paraphrasing and making my own what Ms. Rika has written in her essays (which is why I suggest you go read them--that context will help you understand this post). They may be false for some people, but I don't think they are false for me. Something in what she writes clicks for me deep inside and makes clear distinctions that I had been confused about previously. The newly vivid distinctions have, in turn, provided insights into past experiences and motivations, both the successes and the failures.

Before I met and became involved with Eileen, I wondered about D/s relationships and even about 24/7 dynamics, but always considered them flawed in some way. However, for the first time ever, I'm starting to believe that with an accurate understanding of the deepest motivations behind and distinctions between Dominance and submission are and a solid handle on one's own self awareness and emotional barometer, a 24/7 D/s relationship may not just be possible but is something I've actually desired for a very, very long time.

Surely, I am not this Mistress's clone and so I will have different nuances from what she describes for herself and her slave and subs. Further discussion and refinement of these ideas is clearly warranted. Nevertheless, I feel confident and certain that these foundational elements are, at the very least, not far off "the truth" for me. That's an exciting prospect.

On that note, let me close this post with Ms. Rika's words from her article The Vanilla Domme:

notice this arrangement does not turn him into a spineless, mindless puppet. In fact, it's quite the opposite. He's encouraged to think. It also doesn't make him passive in bed. I like a man to be aggressive and to show his desire. This doesn't stop him from doing so. I do, however, reserve the right to be pleased on my terms, which may, or may not include an orgasm for him. If it pleases me to have him seduce me and take me to bed, give me an orgasm orally, even have intercourse but stop short of his orgasm…and then have him rub my back until I go to sleep…then keep his own erection up for 30 minutes more while I sleep before he goes to sleep himself, hard and frustrated, then that's what he must do. Sounds like he'll hate it? Well, yes…he will, but he'll thank me in the morning when he realizes how dominated he feels. Are you getting the picture?

Lately I've been writing a ton...of porn! Whether it's called pornography or erotic art, or whatever, I love erotic works of any kind. And I'm a die-hard creationist. If I see something that's interesting or exciting, I often want to make something similar and have it be at least as interesting and exciting. So, I've been writing a lot about sex lately.

Now of course, I've been "writing" about this and other stuff since I was a young boy, but there's a distinction to be made between writing and journaling. Even though I have no trouble having fantasies or using my imagination to come up with ideas, it's very hard for me to write about things that aren't entirely factual. This is why I end up doing a lot of technical writing and why I end up reading so many technical manuals.

I used to write creatively more often than I do now, which is a shame. I had so much fun. Seeing others around me get into creative writing (practically all my friends are freakin' English lit majors) has finally rekindled that spark inside of me. So what did I do? I went an applied for an author account at the Alt.Sex.Stories Text Repository. Oh, yeah, and I wrote a couple of porn short stories, too. I'm not sure I want to post them here, though, so we'll see if the author account goes through and I'll link there if it does.

For posterity, here's what I wrote as comments on my application to the ASSTR admins:

I've been writing erotica for many years in an on-again-off-again sort of fashion but absolutely always enjoy it beyond most other forms of solo sexual pleasure. Perhaps this is because what I write always seems to be a mix between fantasy and reality, but there's something incredibly satisfying about finding the most effective way to put words one after another such that your meaning is clear--and arousing.

I've never "applied" for an account to post my stories before because I never felt like sharing them publicly, usually out of embarassment that they are no good. However, I've been writing both anonymously and non-anonymously on the Internet (blogging, if you will) for about a decade now, ever since I was a preteen and well before it was "cool" to do so.

This is kind of a new experience, and one that I have followed through on because I want now to share my writings with "the public." I'm eager to see what will come of it.

I should probably not have spent this long browsing the 'net for hot things to read, but I'm glad I did, because tonight I came across badbob's excellent article on EroticHumiliation.com where he discusses his take on Teasing, Denial and Orgasm Control Games. As he says in the prelude to the article, there's a ton of written material out there that discuss the games themselves, but very few that discuss the psychology behind and attraction to playing such games.

He clearly (and, I think, accurately) describes all the types of chance games a dominant can play with a chastised submissive, provides some classic examples, and--best of all--nails down exactly why it is that each type of game is a turn on. However, even though I understand the obvious application this has to chastity regimes, why stop there? Badbob writes:

There is a sort of philosophical background that we must assume in these games, and while your individual mileage may vary, here is where I cum from, and where I think the vast majority of players will fit. The idea is that reward is sexual release, an orgasm for the male.

I wonder if such games and ultimately any other activity with a similar psychological effect can't be used for other things in a D/s relationship besides "merely" orgasm control or playful teasing. I would love to introduce such additional elements of playful "rulemaking" into my relationship, for more than a single reason. Badbob notes that:

As mentioned before, these sorts of games allow the Mistress to remain seductive and sensual and in a sense to “pretend” that it really isn’t up to her. She can even encourage him with remarks like “I really hope you get lucky tonight, I want to feel you in me.” Or feign hurt and disappointment if he has drawn the wrong card or made the wrong roll of the dice, as if it were somehow his own fault.

For longer-term scenes, such as those that involve extended orgasm denial and erotic teasing, games like the one he describes have the potential to ease a heavy burden from the dom who otherwise needs to maintain the image of ultimate control. That can be hard or nearly impossible for me to do on a long-term basis, and I bet it's not easy even for the most hard-core "true" dominant out there, so it makes sense that such strategies for play have become popular.

However, why not consider such games in more applications than just chastity training. Why not use them in other parts of a D/s relationship where a reward isn't necessarily an orgasm, but something else that the submissive wants. I can imagine a reward for me being permitted to purchase a new pair of panties (for either myself or my girlfriend), or better yet, a new sex toy for us to use. That example touches on what some might consider a more extreme form of control, where impulse purchases are discouraged in a relationship, but how many times have you heard married couples arguing over just such financial matters?

Anyway, it's just a thought, and it may be silly one, but part of the whole point of this exploration is to come up with newly exciting ideas. I like the ideas of these games mostly because they are (supposed to be) imposed, their rules are things I would adhere to because that's what my Mistress would want me to do. It's the control I love most. The details of the game's rules are a distant second. Badbob's article articulated that very nicely, and that's why it got my attention.

Another less typical but equally arousing example is summarized by saying that what's important is obeying her schedule, whether that means chastity or orgasm. Either way, what she says, goes.

At one of the BDSM organizations I attend, I volunteered myself to participate at an "introduction to kink" panel presentation for another discussion group that had invited us to speak. When I heard back from the group, I was asked to speak on two things: definition of terms and bondage. Yay! Both topics that I truly love. :)

What follows is the notes I put together in a stream-of-consciousness sort of way over the last half hour or so. They're obviously not very refined or comprehensive because, keep in mind, I kind of wrote them as if I was speaking to the audience and this is supposed to be a mile wide, inch deep overview of what BDSM is about.

Feedback is always welcome.

Definition of Terms

Vanilla isn't so much a definition as an anti-definition. Technically, “vanilla” means not kinky. However, this is actually a complex issue because the effective meaning of that definition depends on the definition of what is (and what is not) “kinky.”

For example, do you consider spanking to be kinky? I would consider that as an activity within the broader set of sexual activities called impact play, which we'll cover a tad more in a little bit, but a lot of very so-called “vanilla” couples engage in spanking all the time. So, you can see how much of this terminology will need to be interpreted as you see fit, by what feels right to you. Suffice it to say for now that when I say vanilla, what I mean is “not as kinky as me.”

If you didn't notice, I also introduced another term there surreptitiously: play. What is play? This one's easy because it's exactly what it sounds like: play is having fun doing something that you enjoy. In BDSM parlance, playing means “engaging in a BDSM activity” such as spanking or flogging or sexual teasing or role-playing, or whatever is of interest to you.

When two people are playing together, what they are doing is called a scene. A scene in this context is similar to a scene in a live-action play (see the fun we have with terms!), where people get together, interact with each other, and then the activity stops. A scene marks the time period from when the play begins to when the activity (though not necessarily the playing) ends.

Defining the beginning and ending of a scene is difficult because scenes can involve more than one kind of play. It's a little bit like the geometry statement “a square is not a rectangle, but a rectangle is a square.” A scene is not play, but playing is a scene. Most people seem to use emotional peaks and valleys to mark the beginnings and endings of scenes; when the emotion or activity has taken on a high intensity, that's part of a scene, and when it has subsided significantly, that's the end. Other people use time as the distinguishing factor; one block of time spent doing one activity is one scene, another block is another.

Then, of course, there's the actors involved in the scene. Typically, there are at least two, and one is dominant (the partner doing the dominating) while the other is submissive (the partner doing the submitting). Alternate terms that have less emotional context attached to them are a top and a bottom, respectively.

Finally, there's a concept called polyamory, which literally means “many love.” Polyamory is not strictly a fetish or BDSM term, but actually a relationship paradigm that is in many ways the opposite of monogamy. In fact, there are entire communities centered around practicing and learning about polyamory that are completely separate from the BDSM world. Where monogamy is committing to be with one romantic and/or sexual partner at a time, polyamory is, for lack of a better word, different. In essence, it means being open to more than one love at any given time.

It's important to note that polyamory is not polygamy, nor is it noncommittal, carelessly promiscuous, or emotionally insensitive. Interestingly, the ideals of polyamory have little to do with the number of sexual partners you may have (or want), but rather focus on the quality of your relationships, a fluid definition of what a successful relationship is, and encourages honesty, communication, negotiation, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence.

Bondage and bondage safety in the blink of an eye

Bondage is a huge subject, and there's no way in hell anyone can cover all the really important bits in five minutes, but I'll give it a shot. As always, if there any questions about this or anything we've spoken about today, please don't hesitate to ask me or anyone else about them. Also, I'll provide a list of resources that you can check out on your own time on my web site (at the bottom of this page).

Bondage is all about physically restricting someone's movement or ability to act. This covers everything from handcuffs, ropes, shackles, gags, straightjackets, to cages, and even corsetry in a way. Anything that can be used to aid in the goal of restraining someone is fair play for bondage enthusiasts, so this also means standard clothing, scarves, belts, plastic wrap, bed sheets, and a host of other objects can be used.

There are three primary (but many more secondary and tertiary) ways you can categorize bondage. These are:

• what object you're binding or being bound with,


• what interpersonal dynamic you've engaged in while being bound and


• what position you're being restrained in.

As I mentioned, many objects can be used for bondage. However, many people have a preference for a specific type of object. Personally, I'm in love with rope and extremely heavy metal shackles, but everyone has an individual preference.

Similarly, everyone's preference for how they like to be tied is different, too. Some people prefer to try and avoid being tied up by fighting against the efforts of their binder, or forcefully capturing and restraining a partner who is acting reluctant. This is often a major facet to scenes like rape and kidnapping fantasies for a lot of bondage lovers. There are many techniques and even martial arts that are specifically designed to teach you how to take someone down and tie them up such as hojujitsu, or Japanese prisoner bondage.

Others see bondage as a means to relax and enjoy a cozy sensation of snugness, or to focus on creating the perfect rope harness or to find the most creative position they can get their partner stuck in. For such people, bondage is as relaxing as a warm, hot bath after a stressful day. Yet others see bondage as a means to some other end. Once you've got your partner bound, that's when the fun can really begin! So bondage really is, to a very large degree, what you make of it.

However, regardless of why do you it or what you do it with, there's some general safety information you absolutely must know. Keep in mind that despite the seemingly benign nature of the play, bondage is one of the more dangerous, more physically stressful and demanding forms of play you can engage in. Yes, it's okay to take a scarf and tie your lovers hands to the headboard, but you really ought to know what you're doing if you get into more serious positions like hog-ties or suspension.

So the first rule of bondage safety is this: never leave a bound person alone. Just don't do it. You never know when an emergency will pop up.

The second rule of bondage safety is always have a fast way to release the bound person available to you. My girlfriend and I always keep EMT safety scissors right with our rope, so they're never far away. Also, if you're doing that, be sure to actually test the scissors to make sure they cut the rope you're going to use before you start playing, for obvious reasons.

Thirdly, be careful of how tight and how long you are keeping someone bound. Essentially, you want to achieve a snug fit that does not cut off circulation to your partner's extremities or cut off their breathing. (And if you're worried about cutting off their breathing that means you've got neck bondage happening, which is one of those things you should never do until you're feeling really comfortable in your ability.)

Good things to remember when you're tying someone up is that you want to be able to slide one or two fingers comfortably underneath their bonds. If you can't, it's too tight. One way to tell that circulation is being cut off is if the bound person's skin feels very cold. A little bit of coolness is okay, as is some tingling, but if your partner reports either of those sensations or you can feel that their body part is getting cold, you need to keep a strict eye on the clock from then on out. Don't leave them tied that tightly for too much longer.

Furthermore, try to avoid tying knots that press directly into veins or arteries or joints, such as on the wrists, elbows, and the back of the knees. These are often uncomfortable for the bottom and indicate a sloppy knot on the top's part. I won't go into knots here because it'd take too long, but there's a ton of information about this stuff in books and on the Internet. Just search or “how to do erotic bondage” and you'll hit a plethora of tutorials.

Finally, but certainly not least, use common sense to avoid accidental injury. In other words, do remember to do things like have your partner holding on to something or lying down if you're tying their ankles together. Especially if they're arms are already bound, you don't want them falling down and breaking their nose by accident. If you want that on purpose, that's one thing, but an accident is just not sexy.

Before I hand it over, I just want to reiterate one last time that this is absolutely, positively, not an all-inclusive guide to bondage or bondage safety. If you're interested in this stuff, come talk to me and do your due diligence. It will probably make the experience a hundred times better, and it may just save you an embarrassing (and costly) trip to the hospital.

While browsing here and there, I found a link to Frugal Domme's web site, with very interesting and broad-ranging resources on what they call D/s techniques, Physical S&M, and Etiquette. It's very obviously an ancient web site, but I'm glad I found it as it's new for me and provides at least a modicum of novelty, even though a lot of the content is kind of old news for me.

Nevertheless, there's some good stuff, even if it isn't a new idea. They have tons of links to chastity and orgasm denial resources on both their own site and others, such as one contributor's male ejaculation awareness and control training program. The author writes:

However; prolonged chastity, especially when coupled with stimulation without release, may only make his orgasm come more quickly when he is allowed release. For some Mistresses this is the desired outcome, but probably not within a long term relationship. Likewise, simple punishment for cumming without permission does little to guide the male into the ability to participate in this control.

Simply put the male has to perform a countdown prior to his climax. Mistress can stop him at any point and he must not only stop stimulation at that point, he must also not climax. He does not know when he starts the count down if he will be allowed to finish. When the countdown is stopped, and he also successfully does not ejaculate, Mistress may start (or allow the start) of stimulation again. At which point if he feels he is approaching orgasm he must start a new countdown, which may or may not be allowed to go to completion. The key is the countdown must be a countdown to the “point of no return”, rather than to the actual climax. It is the point of no return that he needs to see in advance, not the actual orgasm. ... [H]e must climax within 3 seconds of zero. (It may be necessary to adjust this time, based on the reactions of particular individuals, but 3 seconds is a good place to start.)

I'm always amused by writings such as this because it seems like everyone takes themselves so damn seriously, which is both unnecessary and not very hot. I'd much rather prefer an environment of playful erotic games to that of an "exercise program," but hey, whatever fills your twinkie.

Also, to anyone who's personally interested in orgasm denial or delay, this is an obvious technique to employ to practice staving off the orgasm from inevitable stimulation. The real reason I like this idea isn't because it's a novel idea but rather because it sounds like it could be a fun way to involve a partner (read, my girlfriend Eileen) in masturbatory sessions. To that end, in fact, why is there no mention or thought given to ways that the domme can enjoy herself physically while the sub is doing all these masturbation exercises?

For instance, if I were playing this game with Eileen, it would be even more arousing if she were also masturbating while I was doing so. After all, why shouldn't she? That makes the game far more exciting for her as well as striking home the truly arousing point that the goal of the exercise is ultimately for her pleasure, and that my ability to remain chaste is a skill I should hone to achieve that goal. The difference is subtle but is at the core of my personal fetishistic desires revolving around teasing; teasing and orgasm denial are the actions through which the fetish of orgasm control is manifested. What fun is a control game without a controller? :)

Through Frugal Domme's site, I found another ancient, personal web site of a fellow submissive man who calls himself Poetrician and who wrote a two-part essay about Training a Novice for orgasm control. In part one, he articulates the very same thoughts I just described when he says:

A man's mind must be trained to intervene in his body's instinct to resolve the pleasures he is granted with controlled thought to realign his body's goals to be merely an object of his controller - executing tasks of her will.

[...]

So to begin to give more concrete examples, if he were to stroke his penis to achieve a state of erection by command, he must realize the limit of the request. The request is not to satisfy his lust, or engage him in a act that normally leads to orgasmic pleasure, but simply to become erect.

Applying this to the countdown game/fantasy with Eileen and I, it's evident as to why the aspects of control are more arousing for me than the notion of getting to masturbate. The masturbation doesn't really matter and in some cases I would go so far as to suggest that it is completely unnecessary (though nice) because I'm far more excited by having layer upon layer of Eileen's control added to the game. For instance, as we are masturbating, perhaps she remarks that she is permitting me to watch her. Just the words, "I'll let you watch me enjoy this," for instance, are arousing because it emphasizes her control. Or perhaps before we start she notes that she will not permit me that pleasure and blindfolds me. If I then hear the buzzing of a vibrator that she's decided to enjoy, I will desperately want to feel that vibrator's sensation but can only do so vicariously through hearing her enjoy it, and that will drive my arousal, too.

Playing with such sensory deprivation such as blindness often heightens the wanting for either that sensation, sight in this case, or another, such as sound, by redirecting my awareness to an alternative sensation. In part 2 of Poetrician's essay he writes about ways to influence each of the senses individually. A less typical and equally intriguing example for sensory deprivation might be, for instance, to remove the sense of sound with ear plugs and to emphasize the point by being spoken to in a whisper. The thought of being deafenned and having Eileen whisper "You may cum if you want to," to me while she knows that I can't hear her is also an extreme turn on. The crux of it all is her control (as in, specifically her as the one in control as well as the control itself).

Poetrician further notes that:

[A] Dominant can create certain fixations for him to focus on during his these arousal states. Embellishing fetishes, mindwashing with single unique objects, enriching lust focused on the Dom, are all methods of creating a synergetic duality in the novices mind.

What he calls a "synergetic duality" I more plainly define as an aspect of that fetishized control. Many of my fantasies are ones that involve something Eileen does to me that "changes the rules" for her own amusement and fun; requiring I remain chaste until she has had a certain number of orgasms, enforcing daily edging sessions, involving other partners, and setting up some kind of creative rule set for when, if, and/or how my sexual desires and releases will be limited (or allowed, or even required) while those same rule sets maximize the pleasure for herself. I love the idea of having breakfast one morning after a fantastic scene the night before and having Eileen grin at me and say something like, "That was two I got last night. You were such a good boy. Only 26 more orgasms for me and then you might get one, too." Ultimately, what is more intensley, intimately, and utterly controlling than having the association of your own sexual pleasure be not associated with your own sexual stimulation but with your dominant's?

Part of the point for all these "rules" and "games" isn't that they last forever or that they are inflexible, but indeed the opposite. Though it is important to strictly obey the rule set as it's currently defined (whatever that may be), there's a novelty offered with every one, and the variety is half the fun, so changing it up every so often keeps things interesting and arousing--hopefully for everyone involved! The other half is the uncertainty and anticipation that comes from not knowing what Eileen will do to me or require of me. And of course, I don't think there should ever be a rule that says Eileen can't change the rules on me if she wants to.

I loved that we implemented the various "consequences" we continue to define for an accidental orgasm because it provides that uncertainty and anticipation as well as giving us an inroad on which to reach out to new and heretofor unexplored areas of our sexuality and fetishes. The most currently relevant example is my fascination with money when mixed with sex; the fact that I don't understand why it is that an eroticized exchange of money is something that arouses me deeply and at the same time has the potential to truly disturb me is something I want to explore. I don't think that's something that would have come to the surface unless Eileen and I were playing these games (and it certainly would not have done so this safely).

So...I want to play more of these games because they're not only sexually adventurous and exciting, but a real opportunity to explore more of myself and our relationship.

But one of the difficult things about such a situation is the fact that it can take a lot of time and energy to maintain this level of imbalance in sexual control in an active and ongoing way that is also fun for both partners. It can be exhausting for both partners, but possibly even more so for the dominant partner because they are often expected to conjure up the details for most of these "games." Even though a ton of ideas can be harvested from all over the web (Frugal Domme's web site has a number of good examples for scene ideas), it's the mixing-and-matching in novel new ways that's truly interesting, and it can be hard work.

Furthermore, since I'm the one that's horny far more often than she is (obviously), the imbalance can also be a source of stress on the sexual relationship. This is something Eileen and I encountered first on our road trip a few years back, and we also brought it up at the Sexual Teasing and Denial presentation we did for TES a while back.

Basically, we need to deal with emotions that surface when I feel as though I want or "need" to play, and she does not. One of my favorite excerpts about dealing with this come from Amy's Tantalism blog where she writes briefly about her disappointment when she was not permitted to cum and how she and her dominant worked through that together.

I wish I could find it now, but Amy also had some wonderfully insightful things to say about this tough situation and how she and her Mistress deal with it. In brief, she told me that every couple (kinky or not) deals with the issue of the other partner feeling horny or not at any given time, so there needs to be an honest understanding of both partner's needs as well as genuine attempts from both sides to meet those needs. She told me that for her, this doesn't mean she is permitted to orgasm or even to touch herself whenever she pleases, but rather that she and her Mistress communicate openly about those needs and lovingly address the challenges when they arise, supporting each other through the tough times, and enjoying each other thoroughly through the good times. When Amy asks for permission to touch or to cum, it is a signal to her Mistress that she is feeling a desire for that touch, and her Mistress does with that information what she will--denying her or teasing her or indulging her as she wishes. For her part, Amy is honest with her Mistress about how badly she feels she needs release or physical affection or masturbatory stimulation, meaning that she expresses her need when it is strong as well as letting her Mistress know that she doesn't need a release if she doesn't really feel that way.

(As an aside, one of the very smart things suggested on the Tantalism forums a while back was something called the 24-hour rule. That is to say, if a submissive feels that they truly, really, absolutely have to have an orgasm right then and there, enforce a policy that requires a waiting time of at least 24 hours before that orgasm will actually happen. If after the submissive calms down and is no longer in the midst of stimulation and/or arousal he or she still feels that an orgasm is necessary throughout these waiting hours, then it is far more likely--though not actually necessary--that an orgasm is needed and should be had. Though this was originally intended for solo denial, I think this is a good general policy for anyone who is concerned about granting release too leniently or quickly to follow, including dominants.)

Amy noted that when she is denied permission to touch it is extremely difficult at times, and admitted to breaking her "no touching without permission" rule on several occasions. Her Mistress sees such infractions as "hard times" that Amy is going through that need support, rather than failures on Amy's part that need to be disciplined. Amy referenced an apparently well-known article called Orgasm and Release Training by Gina as one of the many helpful guides that exist that focus on support during rough times of denial and craving and denounce punishments as deterrents for failure to avoid orgasm.

This is slightly different than the way Eileen and I currently play, but in large part the themes are the same. What most people call "punishments" I prefer to call "consequences," because the thought of true punishment does nothing to motivate me to be anything other than rebellious, which is not what either of us wants. However, the fantasy of being punished is intensely erotic, so creating (relatively minor?) "consequences" for accidental orgasms or other failures seems like a good compromise between the erotic fantasy and reality. Letting Eileen ultimately act as judge and jury also helps me feel that whatever happens is what she wants, which is crucial for me (as described earlier).

However, the notion of receiving emotional and moral support during denial periods that are difficult to go through was new to me when Amy first mentioned it, and it's something I actually feel would be incredibly positive in many emotional ways in addition to being an effective way to deter accidental or otherwise "unnecessary" orgasms. It is an interesting paradox, but the single most arousing thought I have is also the thought that most motivates my desire to remain chaste: Eileen wants me not to cum. I imagine that Amy and her Mistress have the same (or similar) desires, and I can imagine her Mistress reminding her of that during the hard times when Amy feels glum about not being permitted to touch herself or to orgasm. I can also imagine that I would feel similarly supported and emotionally fulfilled by being reminded of that by Eileen when I'm struggling through a period of denial.

In fact, I wonder if more of that kind of support would have enabled me to continue to remain on a "no touching without permission" rule as was the case last year. (We changed that rule to "masturbate at your leisure but don't orgasm without permission" a while ago because emotional stresses were building on both of us.) Amy describes a vulnerability, and arousal, that is caused by the need to ask for permission to masturbate because it exposes her need to her Mistress. In effect, she is never (or rarely) horny without her Mistress knowing about it. I recall occasionally not asking and simply enduring denial because of that very feeling of vulnerability, so I can relate, and I wonder if additional support from Eileen as well as strict adherance to her decisions would have helped us then. In other words, I was afraid that my asking was influencing Eileen's decision too much, and so I didn't ask to be allowed to touch myself whenever I felt that I wanted to.

I didn't have enough trust in Eileen that she understood that what I wanted was to be told "no" if she was not interested in sex at the time when I asked because even though I was horny, I wanted (and still want) her to use my arousal as an outlet for her sexual pleasure instead of mine or I didn't believe that she would be able to cope with my feelings of horniness if I asked her for permission. All this, even though she told me multiple times she didn't mind my asking, so this is a true failure on my part. I'm still learning, and still exploring deeper and deeper, and I want to continue this with Eileen.

I want to not only explore my own desires, but hers as well. She often says her play and her desires are shaped by the partner she is with. This makes sense, but to some extent the same is true of me. I want to make her deepest, most taboo fantasies come true, and I want every last one of her cravings to be fulfilled ten times over. Part of why I want to push us into new and ever more intense and extreme directions for sexual and kinky exploration is so that I can discover new things about me, her, and our relationship, but part of the reasoning is also because I want to hit on the things she (and I) may not even know she wants, and then make those dreams a reality.

I've been given a generous ration of two orgasms a week while she's in Australia, and except for this week I've used them both up without fail every week. But this week, I'm feeling particularly motivated to keep myself chaste for her even though I have permission to indulge myself more than I normally do. (As of the time I'm writing this, it's been 7 and a half days since my last orgasm.) I think a big part of the reason for this is that my explorations of an additional relationship that has a wonderful potential to be kinky, sexual, and grow our friendship make me feel even more determined to keep some things closest to the core of the relationship between Eileen and I sacred.

One of the ways I described it to Eileen in a recent email to her was like this:

I'm very much looking forward to being able to share this with you--physically--when I can see you again. I desperately want to taste you and make you thrash in orgasmic pleasure again. When I'm like this, when I'm feeling calm and open to these feelings, I feel as though my sexual release truly does come more from your sexual pleasure than my own stimulation, although it is also interesting and important to note that at the same time, I feel as though I need more attention (whether physical or otherwise) to maintain it. Otherwise it is difficult to keep feeling calm and the openness turns into short-sightedness and impulsiveness, which I always regret.

[...]

I think one reason I am enjoying delaying my orgasms this week is because with all the developments ... and with all the missing you, I want to feel this connection [with you] as tangibly as I can, and keeping my orgasms for you (by obeying your wishes and keeping to my promises) makes me feel this connection stronger.

So...yeah. Ramblings of a boy who misses his girlfriend, who has a fetish for orgasm control, and who has been lucky enough to find love with an incredible girl who shares his kink.

Time goes on....

At the risk of starting this blog on an arrogant foot, I have been blogging way before it was cool. However, I always wrote about myself and my experiences non-anonymously. Back in the mid nintey's when I was a pre-teen, this wasn't really such a big deal because there weren't vey many bad things that could happen to me if I wrote about my personal life. Besides, most of the adults in my life didn't even know what the Internet was. The worst they would probably do is send me off into a corner to think about what'd I'd said so publicly.

As I grew older, however, things changed drastically. I realized that there were certain things I couldn't write about publicly without fierce reprisal and backlash, and it became physically and financially dangerous to pen these writings under my own name. What a shame, I remember feeling, because how awesome an experience I am deprived by such societal restrictions. Needless to say, as I became more sexually aware and experienced, and eventually began exploring BDSM activities during my teen, I knew I would have to keep my writings behind "closed doors."

For a long time, that's what I did. My non-anonymity was more important to me than sharing my feelings, thoughts, and experiences with a larger group of people whom, I hope, may be able to instigate new and perhaps even sometimes unsettling insights for me through conversation and interaction. Now, however, I'm rethinking that model and this weblog is an attempt to find a compromise between my desires and the reality I find myself in. (Isn't that always the struggle?)

So with that thought, I will start sharing my writings here in the hopes that I can join the larger BDSM blogosphere in their fascinating and stimulating discussions. Thus, a brief introduction, regardless of the fact that it may undermine my total veneer of anonymity.

I am a white male of average height and a slight build. I became involved with the public BDSM, fetish, leather, gay and poly communities several years ago, and today I am 22 years old and am in a long-term relationship with my dominant girlfriend. Everyone I know calls me "maymay."

While I'm sure this has already been enough for some people to identify me, I just can't write a thing about this topic with anything other than an authentic and personal viewpoint. For everyone else, you'll learn a lot more about me when (and if) I continue to write more.