REDIRECTED TO MAYBEMAIMED.COM: Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed

A major problem many people have is the inability to draw distinctions between one thing and another. This is especially true when the separation between two things are gradated. To simplify the problem, most people resign to black and white distinctions, this or that, tearing things apart that are inherently interwoven together into what they perceive as separate strands. It's as if they believe doing so will magically reveal all that which created the thing in the first place. But they are misguided, at best, and purposefully destructive at worst.

Many things about me are more than the sum of my parts. While it is certainly possible to break these parts away from one another, doing so reveals information only about my constituent parts in their new, isolated context. I should know; I continually undergo this exercise as part of watching myself growing older.

Possibly the saddest of things to fail to distinguish in my opinion are the emotional paradoxes brought on by sexual fantasy. It creates a situation where most people structure their relationships around their fantasies, when they should be structuring their fantasies around their relationships.

Trinity said it another way:

I was honestly flummoxed (though not surprised) when he didn't understand. Wouldn't it be better for someone to accept your service because you're you than because you're a boy?

I mean, I get the whole "I'm just one of many, depersonalized, a number in a harem" as sexual fantasy. But the guy in question is so obsessed with asserting he's not talking about fantasy when he is... that befuddles me.

Fantasy is fine and great, when clearly marked.

As did Richard:

For other men it is just another sort of hot sex fantasy. But they don't know how to distinguish the source of the thrill from actuality.

A couple of women have based lucrative careers on promoting this: Sutton, Abernathy.

And there is a legion of telephone prodommes who invoke the rhetoric as a means of attracting clients.

Unfortunately, the rhetoric is sexually exciting at first glance and too few people are trained in the skills required to control their own immediate gratification to put thought into their emotions and see the rhetoric's flaws.

Inequality turns me on. As a result of that, I enjoy fantasies of female superiority over males when I'm feeling like submitting to feminine authorities. Long have I had dreams, like most submissive men, of being objectified and degraded because of pieces of my identity: my gender, my physical attributes.

Some fantasies are quite vivid. I remember one from when I was barely a teenage boy (maybe 13 or so) of being captured by a race of women who kept me bound in a dark cave (where there were other such helpless male victims in abundance) with a substance similar to super powerful spider's webbing and whose only contact with me would be to feed me food and drink and occasionally come to "collect" my ejaculate. A classic fantasy, really, undoubtedly from the mind of a youth twisting science fiction imagery to suit his preferred sexual expression.


As I grew older, I maintained the same fantasies, but the imagery changed somewhat. Instead of science fiction, I more often used personal experiences as fuel. As I was more-or-less in school at the time, school-grounds were a favorite locale where the girls (and sometimes certain boys) could take sexual advantage of me in all manner of creative ways. The image above has been a favorite source of this kind of fantasy for many years now.

In that way, I enjoyed the fact that I was as skinny as a twig and frightfully anemic. My sexual fantasies of being overpowered actually dissuaded me from taking care of my body and ensuring my own health back then.

That's the kind of inability to distinguish fantasy from reality that I'm talking about. When it's so personal, as that is, and when you crave something so much, as I did, you don't want to let reality get in the way of your fantasies. There's not anything wrong with trying to live in reality more elements of your fantasies. I do that all the time. But I'm only successful when I take reality into account.

Doing anything else is foolhardy.

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I get off on things being unfair in a D/s relationship. I get fewer orgasms, I have less money, I have more tasks, and so on. The imbalance is a display of power, the unfairness stimulating as a reminder of my submission. But it's a tricky thing. It becomes a slippery slope very quickly. The unfairness of the situation itself is a powerful turn on.

Very much like the issue with punishment, I enjoy the fantasy of the unfairness more than I enjoy the reality of it. As a fantasy, things being unfair can be hot and arousing, accentuating the emotions of submission with emotions of helplessness at being "forced" to do something and of having no choice. In reality, when things are so imbalanced that they are wildly unfair, I become resentful or jealous ("my life is so much harder than yours"). This makes me believe that a very clear line must be drawn between the fantasy and the reality, and that these limits must be treated seriously. There's nothing wrong with playing with the fantasy, but making this fantasy a reality could lead to detrimental effects.

The most arousing fantasy of unfairness I have involves cuckolding and orgasm denial. Cuckolding in general is something that is a very, very dangerously slippery slope for most couples. If not communicated properly, performed carefully, or allowed to get to either partner's head too much, it can ruin a good relationship. I have never been cuckolded before, though I have been cheated on multiple times by more than one partner. Interestingly, even though these were horrible experiences, an element of them--the element of unfairness and cruelty--was arousing. I fantasize about my girlfriend with other men on a regular basis at the same time as I make myself anxious thinking about it.

My fantasy involves having my girlfriend masturbate another guy until he orgasms, possibly several times, allowing him to have sex with her or to use me to obtain his climax while I am denied the same pleasure. Both of them would then taunt and tease me about how unfair it is that he gets all the orgasms he wants and I don't get any. This is, very much like the punishment scenario, something I may not find arousing in reality, but the fantasy is incredibly powerful.

I wonder what things we can do to ease the negative emotions that would come up if this sort of thing became a reality....

One way to do this that doesn't touch on the emotions triggered by involving a third person is to use pornography to showcase other people's orgasms, such as pictures of cumshots or videos of people having orgasms (see, for example, Beautiful Agony) or of course, watching my partner masturbate. For some reason, however, it's a more powerful tease if the person orgasming is a guy (since I am). Another fantasy image I have often is that of being tied up, perhaps spread eagled to a bed, and being made to watch clips of guys getting off in any numberof ways while I, myself, am getting teased to the edge again and again, listening to my Mistress goading me on about how badly I must want to shoot like the guys in the videos (or the man she's with).

That's all really, just some late-night fantasy wonderings.

While browsing here and there, I found a link to Frugal Domme's web site, with very interesting and broad-ranging resources on what they call D/s techniques, Physical S&M, and Etiquette. It's very obviously an ancient web site, but I'm glad I found it as it's new for me and provides at least a modicum of novelty, even though a lot of the content is kind of old news for me.

Nevertheless, there's some good stuff, even if it isn't a new idea. They have tons of links to chastity and orgasm denial resources on both their own site and others, such as one contributor's male ejaculation awareness and control training program. The author writes:

However; prolonged chastity, especially when coupled with stimulation without release, may only make his orgasm come more quickly when he is allowed release. For some Mistresses this is the desired outcome, but probably not within a long term relationship. Likewise, simple punishment for cumming without permission does little to guide the male into the ability to participate in this control.

Simply put the male has to perform a countdown prior to his climax. Mistress can stop him at any point and he must not only stop stimulation at that point, he must also not climax. He does not know when he starts the count down if he will be allowed to finish. When the countdown is stopped, and he also successfully does not ejaculate, Mistress may start (or allow the start) of stimulation again. At which point if he feels he is approaching orgasm he must start a new countdown, which may or may not be allowed to go to completion. The key is the countdown must be a countdown to the “point of no return”, rather than to the actual climax. It is the point of no return that he needs to see in advance, not the actual orgasm. ... [H]e must climax within 3 seconds of zero. (It may be necessary to adjust this time, based on the reactions of particular individuals, but 3 seconds is a good place to start.)

I'm always amused by writings such as this because it seems like everyone takes themselves so damn seriously, which is both unnecessary and not very hot. I'd much rather prefer an environment of playful erotic games to that of an "exercise program," but hey, whatever fills your twinkie.

Also, to anyone who's personally interested in orgasm denial or delay, this is an obvious technique to employ to practice staving off the orgasm from inevitable stimulation. The real reason I like this idea isn't because it's a novel idea but rather because it sounds like it could be a fun way to involve a partner (read, my girlfriend Eileen) in masturbatory sessions. To that end, in fact, why is there no mention or thought given to ways that the domme can enjoy herself physically while the sub is doing all these masturbation exercises?

For instance, if I were playing this game with Eileen, it would be even more arousing if she were also masturbating while I was doing so. After all, why shouldn't she? That makes the game far more exciting for her as well as striking home the truly arousing point that the goal of the exercise is ultimately for her pleasure, and that my ability to remain chaste is a skill I should hone to achieve that goal. The difference is subtle but is at the core of my personal fetishistic desires revolving around teasing; teasing and orgasm denial are the actions through which the fetish of orgasm control is manifested. What fun is a control game without a controller? :)

Through Frugal Domme's site, I found another ancient, personal web site of a fellow submissive man who calls himself Poetrician and who wrote a two-part essay about Training a Novice for orgasm control. In part one, he articulates the very same thoughts I just described when he says:

A man's mind must be trained to intervene in his body's instinct to resolve the pleasures he is granted with controlled thought to realign his body's goals to be merely an object of his controller - executing tasks of her will.

[...]

So to begin to give more concrete examples, if he were to stroke his penis to achieve a state of erection by command, he must realize the limit of the request. The request is not to satisfy his lust, or engage him in a act that normally leads to orgasmic pleasure, but simply to become erect.

Applying this to the countdown game/fantasy with Eileen and I, it's evident as to why the aspects of control are more arousing for me than the notion of getting to masturbate. The masturbation doesn't really matter and in some cases I would go so far as to suggest that it is completely unnecessary (though nice) because I'm far more excited by having layer upon layer of Eileen's control added to the game. For instance, as we are masturbating, perhaps she remarks that she is permitting me to watch her. Just the words, "I'll let you watch me enjoy this," for instance, are arousing because it emphasizes her control. Or perhaps before we start she notes that she will not permit me that pleasure and blindfolds me. If I then hear the buzzing of a vibrator that she's decided to enjoy, I will desperately want to feel that vibrator's sensation but can only do so vicariously through hearing her enjoy it, and that will drive my arousal, too.

Playing with such sensory deprivation such as blindness often heightens the wanting for either that sensation, sight in this case, or another, such as sound, by redirecting my awareness to an alternative sensation. In part 2 of Poetrician's essay he writes about ways to influence each of the senses individually. A less typical and equally intriguing example for sensory deprivation might be, for instance, to remove the sense of sound with ear plugs and to emphasize the point by being spoken to in a whisper. The thought of being deafenned and having Eileen whisper "You may cum if you want to," to me while she knows that I can't hear her is also an extreme turn on. The crux of it all is her control (as in, specifically her as the one in control as well as the control itself).

Poetrician further notes that:

[A] Dominant can create certain fixations for him to focus on during his these arousal states. Embellishing fetishes, mindwashing with single unique objects, enriching lust focused on the Dom, are all methods of creating a synergetic duality in the novices mind.

What he calls a "synergetic duality" I more plainly define as an aspect of that fetishized control. Many of my fantasies are ones that involve something Eileen does to me that "changes the rules" for her own amusement and fun; requiring I remain chaste until she has had a certain number of orgasms, enforcing daily edging sessions, involving other partners, and setting up some kind of creative rule set for when, if, and/or how my sexual desires and releases will be limited (or allowed, or even required) while those same rule sets maximize the pleasure for herself. I love the idea of having breakfast one morning after a fantastic scene the night before and having Eileen grin at me and say something like, "That was two I got last night. You were such a good boy. Only 26 more orgasms for me and then you might get one, too." Ultimately, what is more intensley, intimately, and utterly controlling than having the association of your own sexual pleasure be not associated with your own sexual stimulation but with your dominant's?

Part of the point for all these "rules" and "games" isn't that they last forever or that they are inflexible, but indeed the opposite. Though it is important to strictly obey the rule set as it's currently defined (whatever that may be), there's a novelty offered with every one, and the variety is half the fun, so changing it up every so often keeps things interesting and arousing--hopefully for everyone involved! The other half is the uncertainty and anticipation that comes from not knowing what Eileen will do to me or require of me. And of course, I don't think there should ever be a rule that says Eileen can't change the rules on me if she wants to.

I loved that we implemented the various "consequences" we continue to define for an accidental orgasm because it provides that uncertainty and anticipation as well as giving us an inroad on which to reach out to new and heretofor unexplored areas of our sexuality and fetishes. The most currently relevant example is my fascination with money when mixed with sex; the fact that I don't understand why it is that an eroticized exchange of money is something that arouses me deeply and at the same time has the potential to truly disturb me is something I want to explore. I don't think that's something that would have come to the surface unless Eileen and I were playing these games (and it certainly would not have done so this safely).

So...I want to play more of these games because they're not only sexually adventurous and exciting, but a real opportunity to explore more of myself and our relationship.

But one of the difficult things about such a situation is the fact that it can take a lot of time and energy to maintain this level of imbalance in sexual control in an active and ongoing way that is also fun for both partners. It can be exhausting for both partners, but possibly even more so for the dominant partner because they are often expected to conjure up the details for most of these "games." Even though a ton of ideas can be harvested from all over the web (Frugal Domme's web site has a number of good examples for scene ideas), it's the mixing-and-matching in novel new ways that's truly interesting, and it can be hard work.

Furthermore, since I'm the one that's horny far more often than she is (obviously), the imbalance can also be a source of stress on the sexual relationship. This is something Eileen and I encountered first on our road trip a few years back, and we also brought it up at the Sexual Teasing and Denial presentation we did for TES a while back.

Basically, we need to deal with emotions that surface when I feel as though I want or "need" to play, and she does not. One of my favorite excerpts about dealing with this come from Amy's Tantalism blog where she writes briefly about her disappointment when she was not permitted to cum and how she and her dominant worked through that together.

I wish I could find it now, but Amy also had some wonderfully insightful things to say about this tough situation and how she and her Mistress deal with it. In brief, she told me that every couple (kinky or not) deals with the issue of the other partner feeling horny or not at any given time, so there needs to be an honest understanding of both partner's needs as well as genuine attempts from both sides to meet those needs. She told me that for her, this doesn't mean she is permitted to orgasm or even to touch herself whenever she pleases, but rather that she and her Mistress communicate openly about those needs and lovingly address the challenges when they arise, supporting each other through the tough times, and enjoying each other thoroughly through the good times. When Amy asks for permission to touch or to cum, it is a signal to her Mistress that she is feeling a desire for that touch, and her Mistress does with that information what she will--denying her or teasing her or indulging her as she wishes. For her part, Amy is honest with her Mistress about how badly she feels she needs release or physical affection or masturbatory stimulation, meaning that she expresses her need when it is strong as well as letting her Mistress know that she doesn't need a release if she doesn't really feel that way.

(As an aside, one of the very smart things suggested on the Tantalism forums a while back was something called the 24-hour rule. That is to say, if a submissive feels that they truly, really, absolutely have to have an orgasm right then and there, enforce a policy that requires a waiting time of at least 24 hours before that orgasm will actually happen. If after the submissive calms down and is no longer in the midst of stimulation and/or arousal he or she still feels that an orgasm is necessary throughout these waiting hours, then it is far more likely--though not actually necessary--that an orgasm is needed and should be had. Though this was originally intended for solo denial, I think this is a good general policy for anyone who is concerned about granting release too leniently or quickly to follow, including dominants.)

Amy noted that when she is denied permission to touch it is extremely difficult at times, and admitted to breaking her "no touching without permission" rule on several occasions. Her Mistress sees such infractions as "hard times" that Amy is going through that need support, rather than failures on Amy's part that need to be disciplined. Amy referenced an apparently well-known article called Orgasm and Release Training by Gina as one of the many helpful guides that exist that focus on support during rough times of denial and craving and denounce punishments as deterrents for failure to avoid orgasm.

This is slightly different than the way Eileen and I currently play, but in large part the themes are the same. What most people call "punishments" I prefer to call "consequences," because the thought of true punishment does nothing to motivate me to be anything other than rebellious, which is not what either of us wants. However, the fantasy of being punished is intensely erotic, so creating (relatively minor?) "consequences" for accidental orgasms or other failures seems like a good compromise between the erotic fantasy and reality. Letting Eileen ultimately act as judge and jury also helps me feel that whatever happens is what she wants, which is crucial for me (as described earlier).

However, the notion of receiving emotional and moral support during denial periods that are difficult to go through was new to me when Amy first mentioned it, and it's something I actually feel would be incredibly positive in many emotional ways in addition to being an effective way to deter accidental or otherwise "unnecessary" orgasms. It is an interesting paradox, but the single most arousing thought I have is also the thought that most motivates my desire to remain chaste: Eileen wants me not to cum. I imagine that Amy and her Mistress have the same (or similar) desires, and I can imagine her Mistress reminding her of that during the hard times when Amy feels glum about not being permitted to touch herself or to orgasm. I can also imagine that I would feel similarly supported and emotionally fulfilled by being reminded of that by Eileen when I'm struggling through a period of denial.

In fact, I wonder if more of that kind of support would have enabled me to continue to remain on a "no touching without permission" rule as was the case last year. (We changed that rule to "masturbate at your leisure but don't orgasm without permission" a while ago because emotional stresses were building on both of us.) Amy describes a vulnerability, and arousal, that is caused by the need to ask for permission to masturbate because it exposes her need to her Mistress. In effect, she is never (or rarely) horny without her Mistress knowing about it. I recall occasionally not asking and simply enduring denial because of that very feeling of vulnerability, so I can relate, and I wonder if additional support from Eileen as well as strict adherance to her decisions would have helped us then. In other words, I was afraid that my asking was influencing Eileen's decision too much, and so I didn't ask to be allowed to touch myself whenever I felt that I wanted to.

I didn't have enough trust in Eileen that she understood that what I wanted was to be told "no" if she was not interested in sex at the time when I asked because even though I was horny, I wanted (and still want) her to use my arousal as an outlet for her sexual pleasure instead of mine or I didn't believe that she would be able to cope with my feelings of horniness if I asked her for permission. All this, even though she told me multiple times she didn't mind my asking, so this is a true failure on my part. I'm still learning, and still exploring deeper and deeper, and I want to continue this with Eileen.

I want to not only explore my own desires, but hers as well. She often says her play and her desires are shaped by the partner she is with. This makes sense, but to some extent the same is true of me. I want to make her deepest, most taboo fantasies come true, and I want every last one of her cravings to be fulfilled ten times over. Part of why I want to push us into new and ever more intense and extreme directions for sexual and kinky exploration is so that I can discover new things about me, her, and our relationship, but part of the reasoning is also because I want to hit on the things she (and I) may not even know she wants, and then make those dreams a reality.

I've been given a generous ration of two orgasms a week while she's in Australia, and except for this week I've used them both up without fail every week. But this week, I'm feeling particularly motivated to keep myself chaste for her even though I have permission to indulge myself more than I normally do. (As of the time I'm writing this, it's been 7 and a half days since my last orgasm.) I think a big part of the reason for this is that my explorations of an additional relationship that has a wonderful potential to be kinky, sexual, and grow our friendship make me feel even more determined to keep some things closest to the core of the relationship between Eileen and I sacred.

One of the ways I described it to Eileen in a recent email to her was like this:

I'm very much looking forward to being able to share this with you--physically--when I can see you again. I desperately want to taste you and make you thrash in orgasmic pleasure again. When I'm like this, when I'm feeling calm and open to these feelings, I feel as though my sexual release truly does come more from your sexual pleasure than my own stimulation, although it is also interesting and important to note that at the same time, I feel as though I need more attention (whether physical or otherwise) to maintain it. Otherwise it is difficult to keep feeling calm and the openness turns into short-sightedness and impulsiveness, which I always regret.

[...]

I think one reason I am enjoying delaying my orgasms this week is because with all the developments ... and with all the missing you, I want to feel this connection [with you] as tangibly as I can, and keeping my orgasms for you (by obeying your wishes and keeping to my promises) makes me feel this connection stronger.

So...yeah. Ramblings of a boy who misses his girlfriend, who has a fetish for orgasm control, and who has been lucky enough to find love with an incredible girl who shares his kink.

Time goes on....