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Friday, March 09, 2007

I get off on unfairness

I get off on things being unfair in a D/s relationship. I get fewer orgasms, I have less money, I have more tasks, and so on. The imbalance is a display of power, the unfairness stimulating as a reminder of my submission. But it's a tricky thing. It becomes a slippery slope very quickly. The unfairness of the situation itself is a powerful turn on.

Very much like the issue with punishment, I enjoy the fantasy of the unfairness more than I enjoy the reality of it. As a fantasy, things being unfair can be hot and arousing, accentuating the emotions of submission with emotions of helplessness at being "forced" to do something and of having no choice. In reality, when things are so imbalanced that they are wildly unfair, I become resentful or jealous ("my life is so much harder than yours"). This makes me believe that a very clear line must be drawn between the fantasy and the reality, and that these limits must be treated seriously. There's nothing wrong with playing with the fantasy, but making this fantasy a reality could lead to detrimental effects.

The most arousing fantasy of unfairness I have involves cuckolding and orgasm denial. Cuckolding in general is something that is a very, very dangerously slippery slope for most couples. If not communicated properly, performed carefully, or allowed to get to either partner's head too much, it can ruin a good relationship. I have never been cuckolded before, though I have been cheated on multiple times by more than one partner. Interestingly, even though these were horrible experiences, an element of them--the element of unfairness and cruelty--was arousing. I fantasize about my girlfriend with other men on a regular basis at the same time as I make myself anxious thinking about it.

My fantasy involves having my girlfriend masturbate another guy until he orgasms, possibly several times, allowing him to have sex with her or to use me to obtain his climax while I am denied the same pleasure. Both of them would then taunt and tease me about how unfair it is that he gets all the orgasms he wants and I don't get any. This is, very much like the punishment scenario, something I may not find arousing in reality, but the fantasy is incredibly powerful.

I wonder what things we can do to ease the negative emotions that would come up if this sort of thing became a reality....

One way to do this that doesn't touch on the emotions triggered by involving a third person is to use pornography to showcase other people's orgasms, such as pictures of cumshots or videos of people having orgasms (see, for example, Beautiful Agony) or of course, watching my partner masturbate. For some reason, however, it's a more powerful tease if the person orgasming is a guy (since I am). Another fantasy image I have often is that of being tied up, perhaps spread eagled to a bed, and being made to watch clips of guys getting off in any numberof ways while I, myself, am getting teased to the edge again and again, listening to my Mistress goading me on about how badly I must want to shoot like the guys in the videos (or the man she's with).

That's all really, just some late-night fantasy wonderings.

13 comments:

Bitchy Jones said...

I really like this post. I read it this morning and I've been thinking about it all day.

I do to. Eroticise unfairness, I mean. But really living with unfairness day to day, is really hard. I find it hard even as the (occassional) benificiary of the unfairness.

B x

maymay said...

Thanks for that comment, Bitchy Jones. I'm glad my post was interesting, but I'm even more glad you mentioned that the unfairness is something that is hard to cope with even from the dominant's point of view. I'm actually really, really interested in why that is, what it is about the unfairness that you find hard to live with day to day. Can you elaborate on that a bit (if you'd like to)? Thanks again for commenting!

Bitchy Jones said...

Okay. Well I've never done live in 24/7 in role all the time (has anyone?) but I have lived with submissive guys where, say, they will take care of all the dmoemsitc chores.

Now, when I have done this, I want to be clear, I haven't done it because it was nice for me, or because I am lazy (although it was and I am) I did it because it turned me on. It got me hot thinking about him doing everything while I did nothing. Just like it turns me on not to let a guy come. It turns me on when he lets me hurt him just because I enjoy it.

Okay, so when we were doing this, setting it up, we both really got hot talking about it.

But doing it day to day is hard. We did it, mostly, but not always. It's kind of not actually worth it. Obviously there are things like illness. But also there is that plain fact that this only works if you are eroticising it. And you can't eroticise all the time (this is why I don't really believe in 24/7). And I'm a woman. You know what we're like. See a cute ktten or something and we actually get distracted and stop thinking about sex.

But you're thinking, so what? You stop eroticising, you're just lying on the sofa eating chocolate, what's the big problem?

Let me tell you.

Guilt.

Being a female dom and a sadist is fucking hard work. All down to guilt. And keeping the guilt down during a scene is hard enough. I am not a strong dom. I am filled with self doubt and conflict about what I am and what I like to do. I drop. A lot. (So stop fantasing about having kinky sex with me because, really, I'm crap.)

And keeping that guilt down during an unfair lifestyle set up? Fucking hard work.

Nevertheless, the fantasy: you don't wear clothes, you don't sit on the furniture, you eat nothing but gruel out of a dog bowl.

God, so damn hot

Richard said...

Cuckoldry is one of the few fetishes that I don't share at all.

It may be the most dangerous of all. It is hard to judge when reading blogs which are true stories and which just wishes. Particularly with cuckolding.

But last year a few that dealt with the theme vanished after the guy supposedly convinced his wife to try it. Some with notes of despair, others just erased.

Trinity said...

Y'know, I hate cuckoldry so bad that this is actually *hard to read*

but I'm glad to see someone talking about it in a realistic way.

I had a thing for a guy some years back whose whole thing turned out to be about his being less of a man. So his idea was that Alpha Males actually reign supreme (and even dominant women crave to be dominated by them -- hope you can see my issue, here!)

and then there are some bossy women

and then worms like him.

His whole cuckoldry thing was that he be forced to prepare a woman for her ravishment by a REALMAN.

This offends me totally because it's saying my orientation isn't real, that I'm some kind of middle[wo]man facilitating power dynamics between men, and that's all I'm for.

So the whole cuckoldry thing squicks me really. I WANT submissive men. I don't want to pretend not to want them, I don't want to go off and have sex with someone whose orgasm I don't control when someone whose orgasm I do is right there in the room, etc etc... it makes no sense to me.

But thank you tons for not doing the "this is about men being more dominant than women" thing.

Trinity said...

Not to mention the "all women want to be dominated" thing in that guy's fantasies. Um, I signed up for this because I *don't*... let us not to be recruiting people to be doing MY JOB THX.

maymay said...

Trinity, one of the reasons I am so on-the-fence about cuckoldry is because the only representation of it I see anywhere is exactly that which you describe. I loathe that representation because it is just as demeaning to me and my orientation as it is to yours.

I don't feel like I said it all that well in this post, but to me cuckoldry plays itself out in two main ways. First, it is part of an orgasm control thing. Second, it is yet more exertion of my dominants control, this time not only over me, but over the other guy she is with. These are two very powerful elements of fantasy that mix many different aspects of my particular triggers for feelings of slavishness.

But make no mistake about it, I am not impotent or weak in this fantasy, and she is always in control of everything. And everyone.

Bitchy Jones said...

His whole cuckoldry thing was that he be forced to prepare a woman for her ravishment by a REALMAN.

Yes. This is so completely it. A lot of cuckold narratives are actually about humiliating the woman. She is a slut, she wants sex, she dresses like a whore. It is the fucking epitome of the twisted misogyny some submissive men seem to thrive on.

Then there's the way black men are used. It's so racist.

I think what you describe is totally different, May. the word cuckolding is so deeply wound around this particular kind of fantasy. Sometimes I think it's a kind of sublimated homosexual thing. That the sub guy really wants to fucked by the alpha male himself.

There are lots of fun ways to play with d/s and t&d with multiple partners. But cuckoldry to me just means bad stuff. And stuff where the woman is just a puppet acting out a male desire.

maymay said...

"I think what you describe is totally different, May. the word cuckolding is so deeply wound around this particular kind of fantasy."

The piece of the definition I take sexual delight in about cuckoldry are the connotations of helplessnss and humiliation from the activity. I don't know of another word that matches this description, but would like to find one if one exists.

I don't think the word cuckolding needs to be wound so deeply around those particular interpretations of the words and fantasy that we don't like, just like the word femdom shouldn't need to automatically mean "submissive girls wearing tight PVC and collars and pretending to be mean to men", they just are due to sheer numbers. God help us all if we let such things take away our right to free speech as well as sexuality, pun intended. :)

Trinity said...

"Sometimes I think it's a kind of sublimated homosexual thing. That the sub guy really wants to fucked by the alpha male himself."

Yes, and I see that a lot in some other "femdom" fantasies too. Where her control is great but the ULTIMATE CONTROL is the control had by the gang of men she give her sub out to.

I don't have any problem with bi men, or bicurious men -- hell one of my crushes is a bi switch. I don't have issues with the fantasy of lending my slave to a guy.

But it has to be really clear -- and this particular person is the only one I've met who can actually keep this distinction clear -- that even if he finds the idea of being used by men thrilling, it's not somehow more thrilling than being used by me. That I'm not a prop for it.

Trinity said...

"First, it is part of an orgasm control thing. Second, it is yet more exertion of my dominants control, this time not only over me, but over the other guy she is with."

Yeah, that's what I gathered, which is why I could read your post without needing blood pressure medication. :)

For me I can't say I'd ever share that. I'd much rather control the person's orgasm in a direct way, not "oh, I'm controlling your orgasm but off doing something else that means I'm distracted and can't enjoy it."

If I had a stable and were picking who to use that would have to do with how I felt, not with wanting someone else to feel jealous.

But well, I'm not very into teasing. I want people to feel exactly what I want them to feel. That's not about being coy or taunting, usually. That's about all my energy being focused, like a laser, on the experience I want to create in someone.

"Hee hee let's mess with Steve's head now!" or whatever is... well, for me personally it's childish and that's not what I want from my dominance.

Trinity said...

"just like the word femdom shouldn't need to automatically mean "submissive girls wearing tight PVC and collars and pretending to be mean to men", they just are due to sheer numbers. God help us all if we let such things take away our right to free speech as well as sexuality, pun intended. :)"

Eh, I gave up the word "femdom" too, and really doubt I should bother the Goddess asking for help for that. She carries some pretty nasty sharp objects and wouldn't want to be bothered.

*grin*

maymay said...

"Eh, I gave up the word "femdom" too, and really doubt I should bother the Goddess asking for help for that. She carries some pretty nasty sharp objects and wouldn't want to be bothered."

I like it when women hold sharp things and threaten me with them. ;)