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Thursday, March 01, 2007

Is there such a thing as regular sex?

On her blog, YesssMistress wrote a little while ago about how hard it is to have regular sex in a D/s relationship:

I'm wondering how, being new to this world... do you ever have regular sex? I mean, sometimes I miss being tossed on the bed and fucked... though I truly enjoy dominating... Seems that I put on some black leather gloves and he cums in a second, but take a traditional sexual position and neither of us can cum. I don't know that we need to take on traditional sexual positions. I mean, does it really matter? I guess it matters in that there is a part of me that wants to be man handled a little bit.

This is something I noticed ever since I was a young pre-teen boy, when my first awareness of sex and sexuality was coming to light. For me, sex has absolutely always been about power play. Going as far back as I can remember and continuing to this day, I find it extremely difficult to find anything erotic without adding an element of BDSM to it. That element can be just about anything such as toys, ropes, fetish clothing, or even just an expression of pain or fear or control, but there has to be something or I just won't find it hot.

Even when things seem plain and ordinary, such as the image I posted above, my mind creates something to eroticize in the form of power play. In this image, probably due to my submissive tendencies, I don't see only a couple having a loving embrace (although I certainly see that as well), I see a man pleasuring his lover and I see her enjoying, even expecting it, and basking in the delight it brings her. Similarly, when I'm having "good ol' fashioned regular sex," in my mind I'm always doing it, in part, to pleasure my partner, and that part of sex must be forefront in my mind or else the sex itself just isn't fun.

This probably speaks more to just how much of my sexual identity is predicated on the foundations of my kinks than it does about sex or people in general, but the observation is an interesting one nontheless. It makes me wonder how much different (or alike) I am from other people. I will happily admit that I also enjoy bodychecking my girlfriend into our bed and making love to her without any apparent BDSM frills attached. However, even in this "vanilla" headspace I am still wanting to play on her terms, and please her as she would like to be pleased because of my feelings of submissiveness to her.

More interesting than that monotony, however, is the fact that there is also a part of me that wants to be the one being pleased at times. This is a very dominant feeling for me. Further, it's a very sexual one. In fact, most of my dominant urges are very closely intertwined with supremely sexually explicit ones. I'm far less interested in being sadistic to a bottom than having them be my sex toy (although I can easily see where the line will get blurred). This, however, can't be seen as "regular" sex either.

Or can it? Just how much power play is in "regular sex" anyway? I'm willing to bet that there's a lot more than is typically acknowledged. Just look at the flood of dominant and submissive messages in mass media. Calvin Klein adds are famous for their sexually explicit, D/s-y overtones.

Advertising sex is about advertising power exchange. I think I just like the power exchange more than most mainstream audiences do, or at the very least, I'm far more comfortable with it.


YesssMistress said...

Thanks for writing that. The topic is at the top of my mind again.

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