The difference money makes
Category labels:
BDSM psychology,
D/s dynamics,
Professional BDSM
The wonderfully expressive Bitchy Jones has a fantastic post about professional female dominants (i.e., a pro-domme, a dominatrix, etc.), in which she says:
It makes me sad that the only dom women you ever see in the media are professional doms. The shelves in the erotica section of my local Borders are thick with the memoirs of prodom women, but no memoirs of anyone like me. And no matter how much these women with the memoirs out love it they *are* getting paid. And that’s just different to doing something for love. It just is.
Frankly, I agree completely. As a male submissive who has been fortunate enough to get the chance to enjoy scenes with pro-dommes, I viscerally dislike the whole industry built around this aspect of BDSM. It's just not real, and that tarnishes everything about the experience for me. Most of the times I've interacted with pro-dommes they didn't know the first thing about how to react to me. She (as a general plural "they") would go into her whole "I'm a beautiful domme and you want to give me things" routine andd I just shake my head at her. It's annoying and it's not sexy. Oh, and it's pretentious, too.
Furthermore, I can't feel submissive to someone like that because I feel embarassed for them. Eileen made the good point during a recent conversation about being a professional dominatrix that she would probably find the experience humiliating. Doingg anything just because you need the money, even if you don't really mind "that much" that you're doing it and even if you can genuinely have a good time, is still humiliating.
And it's submissive, at least to the situation if not directly to the client. But then again it is, because most Pro-Dommes work hard for really great tips and there's no way in my mind that that instinct is not utterly submissive. As a male client, I know that I have at least some level of control over the so-called female dominant's motivation in a way that I just don't have when money's not involved. On the flip side, however, it is (or at least it certainly should be) within the pro-domme's power and right to say that she will never want to scene with me again, and it's not as if there isn't an ocean full of other fish she can fry.
The other interesting thing I have noticed from my (admittedly one-sided but still rather vast) experience in the Pro-Domme scene is that an overwhelming majority of professional domintracies (dominatrixes?) are actually submissive (or at least switches) in their personal lives if they're even "into this stuff" in their personal lives at all. There's nothing wrong with being a submissive or with being a switch, but the very fact that this is such a hidden thing makes those who hide it completely unattractive to me as tops. It comes back to the fact that they are doing this not for me or with me, but for my money, alone.
Sure, there are exceptions (see previous link to enjoyable scenes with pro-dommes), but these are certainly not the typical experience. One would think, then, that there is a huge business opportunity for a "real" pro-domme, one who "gets it" and for whom BDSM truly is a "natural" thing and not just a "job." The money is a lure that is hard to resist. But wouldn't that change things? And of course, how can I reallly judge so harshly without having walked a mile in those high-heeled shoes, so to speak?
2 comments:
"One would think, then, that there is a huge business opportunity for a "real" pro-domme, one who "gets it" and for whom BDSM truly is a "natural" thing and not just a "job." The money is a lure that is hard to resist. But wouldn't that change things? And of course, how can I reallly judge so harshly without having walked a mile in those high-heeled shoes, so to speak?"
Hi my name is Trecia, but I'm more commonly recognized (online at least) as MWK. There, now you've "met" one of those fabled women.
I feel the same disappointment, frustration, and hope that you've expressed. Although in response to Bitchy Jones, I think the answer lies in the fact that writing a book is a HUGE undertaking. It takes time, dedication, focus, and yes, even money. Money so you can afford to not have to go make money. I think that is why you'll see most published work coming from Pros... their "job" is to submerse themselves in their sexuality and the sexuality of their bottoms... therefore it's not such an overwhelming addition to chronicle the experience as it might be for a Lady who has a 9-5 gig and is trying to squeeze in some sexy writing around all her other tasks.
Just my .10, take it for what it's worth to you.
(As a side note, I'm rather interested in your blog, and wondering if you'd like to dod a lil link exchange?)
MWK, you said: "…in response to Bitchy Jones, I think the answer lies in the fact that writing a book is a HUGE undertaking. It takes time, dedication, focus, and yes, even money. Money so you can afford to not have to go make money."
Everyone has to face obstacles of acquiring the resources they need, regardless of the challenge they set themselves to. Using a lack of resources as an excuse for one's actions is missing the point.
If what professional dominas want to do is make money off someone else's sexuality, then that is fine by me, but it is not okay to tell the rest of the world that this business of yours is the way everyone's sexuality should be because that would make you more money.
In economic terms, that's called a monopoly, and is actually illegal (among other things) in most countries.
I know this comment comes months late, but better late than never.
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