REDIRECTED TO MAYBEMAIMED.COM: Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed

This Kink on Tap is kind of an extended addendum to our previous episode where we talk about and introduce the topic of sexual teasing and denial and chastity play. If you haven't listened to that episode already, I strongly urge you to do so.

The best part, however, is that Tom Allen from the Edge of Vanilla joined Eileen and I to talk about his personal experiences. Of course, the advantage of having someone on the phone is that you can ask personal qusetions and get immediate, personal responses.

There's no shortage of that in this converastion, where Tom shares a lot about his own reasons for enjoying chastity, the way in which this kind of sexual power play developed in the relationship with his (very blessed) wife, and of course why this kink in particular is often thought of as being very "vanilla." I couldn't help but share some of my own opinions and experiences as well, and Eileen does the same.

Lest you think that Tom's always this cerebral, however, don't forget about his super-hot chastity porn. My own fantasies tend to drift towards slightly more painful tastes, but that doesn't stop me from being the first to admit that I've sprung more than my fair share of hard-ons looking at Tom's stuff.

As always, I hope you enjoy this episode of Kink on Tap and invite your feedback of any kind (though especially regarding audio engineering) either as comments here or by emailing kinkontap+feedback@gmail.com. Have something you want to hear talked about or a story you want to share? Write to me at kinkontap+viewermail@gmail.com (and don't question why it's called viewer mail, 'cuz I wouldn't know what to tell you).

Just earlier today a friend sent me to this Savage Love article in the Village Voice. It's about pegging, aka strap-on sex. We've all talked about this before, remember. The reason this article stuck out like a bright and red sore thumb in all the otherwise mundane vanilla-oriented sex advice columns was the nugget of wisdom by the ever-wonderful Violet Blue shared in response to this woman's concerns:

Everything I've come across so far seems to be playing into the stereotypes that plague male- on-female anal sex. ("You're going to take my cock up that little ass," etc.) I don't peg my man to work out my aggression, I peg him because the prostate is a wondrous thing.

When I point at other submissive men who are blinded by their own irresistible cravings to think before they act and tell you that they have hurt me in my sex life, this is (an example of) exactly what I mean. When I point at pro-dommes and tell you that they are cheapening me to other dominant women, this is exactly what I mean. When I point at the media and say that this is why I feel like it is invading my bedroom, this is exactly what I mean.

Violet Blue responds with some much-needed reason to all the craziness:

Pegging in most porn is festooned with stereotypes of shame and pain, like most sex in mainstream porn," says Violet. "And, unfortunately, these stereotypes have seeped into online sex culture. But you don't have to be Mistress Asscrusher, and he doesn't have to answer to Worthless Buttslut, in order to enjoy strap-on sex. Like I explain in my book, most couples who peg do it because it's fun, intimate, new, exciting, and quite loving.

I've said it before, but I guess it behooves me to say it again: I don't see anything wrong with Mistres Asscrusher or Worthless Buttslut, but if you start to expect that of me (by behaving in ways that show it—I couldn't care less what positions you fantasize about me in as long as they remain fantasy) then you are actually hurting me and it doesn't matter who you are or what your orientation, submissive man or dominant woman or albino monkey or whatever, you're not going to see much respect beyond that I accord fellow humans coming from me. Respect like that is and always should be earned—you don't get it just because you're of an "alternative" sexuality.

Addendum: I was just talking to that brilliant friend of mine who asked me what the hell my beef with pro-dommes is. It's a fair question. She asked me to describe it in twenty words or less, because she was tired. So I did:

Pro-dommes have a monopoly on the expression of female domination in the majority of online and real-world kinky contexts.

One thing led to another in this conversation, when she finally remarked that she never thought she'd see "the personal is political" from this side of the sex wars, but yeah, ok, I can see it. Being completely untrained in feminist theory I'd never heard that word before, so I did a little bit of searching to find out what she's talking about. I have no conclusions, but I wanted to share what I found because I feel it is inherently relevant to the above post.

• A Z-Magazine editorial on the various meanings of the phrase "The Personal Is Political" through time since the late 1960's. (I highly recommend reading this first.)


• Wikipedia's article on identity politics.


• Newsgroup archives discussing the origins of the phrase "The Personal is Political".


• and more….

In brief, I am beginning to wonder if this phrase and its related political associations are an accurate description of the feelings of systematic marginalization in the post above. I'll leave further speculation, however, for a time after more significant rumination.

Don't ask me why, but I wanted to try my hand at wrting a sex toy review. I'd never done it before, you know. I had to think a bit about which toy from my collection I should write about. I could have written about the Fleshlight, or about the Hitachi Magic Wand, however I've had way more fond memories with the Aneros that I ended up choosing that little gem. Following is my first stab at a review. :) (Yes, I realze it's devoid of kink-specific uses. The Aneros makes a pretty mean teasing device if prostate stimulation gets you going.)

When most men hear the word "prostate" I bet they immediately conjure up images of bending over at the doctor's bracing for a horrible experience. When I hear the word "prostate," however, I think of sex. Good sex. So what's the difference between me and most people? Well, probably many things, but at least one of them is that I own an Aneros Helix, a male prostate massager.

Okay, okay, by "prostate massager" what I really mean is sex toy. This little anal toy isn't quite a dildo nor is it like those standard butt plugs you might be familiar with. In fact, if you've never had any experience with anal stimulation, I'd say skip the butt plugs and go straight for a prostate massager like this one. Prostate massagers, of which the Aneros line was one of the first, are curvy, rather bulbous insertables whose scientifically designed shape is intended to gently ride along your prostate as you flex your buttocks—all on their own.

When I first got the Aneros (and I'm not emabrassed to admit it) I already had my fair share of experience with anal penetration, however I had never tried a prostate stimulator. I was curious about what it would feel like, so soon after I got home I had slipped a condom and some lube on the toy and gently pushed it toward my unsuspecting prostate. It immediately felt great, like a little finger pressing at the base of my penis from inside my body, but that was just a teaser.

The truly amazing feelings didn't start until I started to masturbate. As I masturbated, I involuntarily clenched my ass slightly. I hadn't even noticed that I did this before, but now whenever I would do so the Aneros would slide a little bit further inside me and then slide back again, running itself over my prostate with each stroke. It felt so good so quickly I actually stopped masturbating so it would last longer. This wasn't a filling sensation like all the other dildo and plug toys I had experienced before, it was a rubbing sensation, but it was rubbing from the inside out.

When I finally did allow myself to orgasm with the Aneros still inside me, the sensations were more powerful because with each orgasmic contraction the Aneros was dutifully pumping away at my prostate. Since then, the Aneros has become one of my favorite masturbation and sex enhancers in my toy collection. Just think about all that buttocks-flexing sex requires!

The Aneros actually comes in several different models of varying sizes, just in case you don't think your sphincter will appreciate the largest size. Personally, even at 1 and 1/16 of an inch in diameter at the tip I found the Helix a little small, so I don't think I'd get much out of any of the thinner models and am eager to try a larger one.