Pegging gets mainstream attention and kinky porn gets rightfully slapped upside its head
Category labels:
BDSM in the media,
Beginner BDSM,
Femdom,
Myths and misconceptions,
Politics of sex,
Professional BDSM,
Sex,
Sex toys,
Strap-ons and dildos,
Stupid submissives
Just earlier today a friend sent me to this Savage Love article in the Village Voice. It's about pegging, aka strap-on sex. We've all talked about this before, remember. The reason this article stuck out like a bright and red sore thumb in all the otherwise mundane vanilla-oriented sex advice columns was the nugget of wisdom by the ever-wonderful Violet Blue shared in response to this woman's concerns:
Everything I've come across so far seems to be playing into the stereotypes that plague male- on-female anal sex. ("You're going to take my cock up that little ass," etc.) I don't peg my man to work out my aggression, I peg him because the prostate is a wondrous thing.
When I point at other submissive men who are blinded by their own irresistible cravings to think before they act and tell you that they have hurt me in my sex life, this is (an example of) exactly what I mean. When I point at pro-dommes and tell you that they are cheapening me to other dominant women, this is exactly what I mean. When I point at the media and say that this is why I feel like it is invading my bedroom, this is exactly what I mean.
Violet Blue responds with some much-needed reason to all the craziness:
Pegging in most porn is festooned with stereotypes of shame and pain, like most sex in mainstream porn," says Violet. "And, unfortunately, these stereotypes have seeped into online sex culture. But you don't have to be Mistress Asscrusher, and he doesn't have to answer to Worthless Buttslut, in order to enjoy strap-on sex. Like I explain in my book, most couples who peg do it because it's fun, intimate, new, exciting, and quite loving.
I've said it before, but I guess it behooves me to say it again: I don't see anything wrong with Mistres Asscrusher or Worthless Buttslut, but if you start to expect that of me (by behaving in ways that show it—I couldn't care less what positions you fantasize about me in as long as they remain fantasy) then you are actually hurting me and it doesn't matter who you are or what your orientation, submissive man or dominant woman or albino monkey or whatever, you're not going to see much respect beyond that I accord fellow humans coming from me. Respect like that is and always should be earned—you don't get it just because you're of an "alternative" sexuality.
Addendum: I was just talking to that brilliant friend of mine who asked me what the hell my beef with pro-dommes is. It's a fair question. She asked me to describe it in twenty words or less, because she was tired. So I did:
Pro-dommes have a monopoly on the expression of female domination in the majority of online and real-world kinky contexts.
One thing led to another in this conversation, when she finally remarked that she never thought she'd
see "the personal is political" from this side of the sex wars, but yeah, ok, I can see it.Being completely untrained in feminist theory I'd never heard that word before, so I did a little bit of searching to find out what she's talking about. I have no conclusions, but I wanted to share what I found because I feel it is inherently relevant to the above post.
- A Z-Magazine editorial on the various meanings of the phrase "The Personal Is Political" through time since the late 1960's. (I highly recommend reading this first.)
- Wikipedia's article on identity politics.
- Newsgroup archives discussing the origins of the phrase "The Personal is Political".
- and more….
In brief, I am beginning to wonder if this phrase and its related political associations are an accurate description of the feelings of systematic marginalization in the post above. I'll leave further speculation, however, for a time after more significant rumination.
9 comments:
LOL. It must be Post About Strap On Sex Week! I even used the same Violet Blue quotes!
Ms160
Ms160s Abode
FetishLore
I enjoyed the point (in Savage Love) that pegging is not intrinsically an s&m activity, but I was disappointed by the characterization of s&m activity itself (Mistress Asscrusher / Worthless Buttslut).
*sigh*
Mistress 160:
I love Violet Blue; she's a real proper educator, and very eloquent. Much more than I am. Your articles, by the way, are fantastic.
Devastating:
The characterization of S&M there is not incorrect, which is entirely my point. It's unfortunate, to be sure, but it's up to us to change it. We already know what happens when we leave it in the hands of others. The proof is in that article you're sighing about!
Those articles on "The Personal Is Political," by the way, are fascinating.
Thank you for the resources!
I find it hard to see professional dominatrices as a serious problem.
Kink as presented in the mainstream media - movies and TV - seems a more serious source of misinformation and stereotypes.
On the web it is sites like Men in Pain and OWK. Mostly models hired by online media corporations.
Eileen, I found them interesting too.
Richard:
"Kink as presented in the mainstream media - movies and TV - seems a more serious source of misinformation and stereotypes."
I'll have to agree with that, actually, and I think the way pro-dommes portray themselves are a symptom of that. Mainstream media influences pro-dommes, and then like it or not, that same mainstream media holds them up as the pillars of female domination, with hardly a noticeable quip from the pro-dommes themselves. It would be bad for business, after all. That's why they, in the general, collective, completely non-individualistic sense, get so much flak.
On the web it is sites like Men in Pain and OWK. Mostly models hired by online media corporations.
It's a business. Hawt models are easier on the eyes than real-life people*, and attract more people to the site.
*Don't shoot me, I'm only the piano player. If it werent' true, TV wouldn't be filled with 28 year old actors and actresses posing as anything from high school students to middle-aged corporate execs.
Ok, my EX boyfriend really liked this type of action from me. he would beg. I'm not sure where or how it got started but sometimes I think he liked my long fingers or the SEVERAL different strap ons he bought for me more than regular sex. I know its suppose to be great for a guy but maybe he was just a little too into it. Does that mean he is secretly gay? I know that is a question that comes up alot and I have asked different people. My best friend is a lesbian and I am friends with alot of her same-sex-lovin-friends and Im ok with them.
Ok, my EX boyfriend really liked this type of action from me. he would beg. […] I know its suppose to be great for a guy but maybe he was just a little too into it. Does that mean he is secretly gay?
No, it doesn't.
By the way, you may be interested to read more of my posts at my new blog address: MaybeMaimed.com.
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