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Friday, August 10, 2007

The first blowjob I've ever bottomed to

This morning a friend asked me to give her an image that turns me on, followed by an image that is iconic of a "top" or a "domme" and then to determine whether the answers to those two questions share any key visual elements. Yes, this friend's really smart, by the way.

In response, I told her that the first thing that popped into my mind of an image that turns me on was Eileen's lips and tongue during the blowjob she unexpectedly gave me last night, but that's only because I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for the past twelve hours or so. In fact, if my friend had asked me for an image that turns me on another day, I probably wouldn't have said blowjobs at all.

The last significant mouth-on-penis action I've received hasn't been for more than two and a half years. Before that I wasn't even that excited about blowjobs. Handjobs always felt better to me anyway, so I wasn't very interested in getting them, though I don't think I ever turned down the opportunity. All my partners were far more skilled with their hands than their mouths anyway but more interestingly—and more to the point—I liked handjobs more because it was easier to bottom to them.

Few men can deny the fact that having someone else's hands around your genitals can be a vulnerable position. Of course, it isn't always intended that way (unless you're me, in which case it probably is) but our culture is saturated with images and stories of men's genitals being vulnerable in the hands of women. It's even in our slang: "She has got me by the balls" means that I am well and truly dominated by her control of the situation. I'm not sure why this is supposed to be a bad thing (</sarcasm>), but it is.

Contrast this with any imagery of blowjobs displayed by popular culture and the exact reverse is true. For some reason, people seem to think that putting your penis in someone else's mouth gives you some kind of control over the situation and makes the person whose mouth is around your genitals submissive. This has always been somewhat baffling to me, because it is far easier to hurt my penis with your teeth than it is to hurt it with your hands. Is my penis somehow more vulnerable to teeth than a so-called "Alpha Male"'s is? I'd love to know if it is, as I've unfortunately had no experience putting real live penises in my mouth.

(As an aside: if you want me to feel submissive while you make me go down on your cock then you should use something along the lines of a ring gag (NSFW) while you do it. Not that there aren't other ways to make fellatio into a submissive act—you could close my nose so I have trouble breathing, or hold a knife at my neck, or you could just whisper in my ear that you know how badly I want to drown the back of my throat in ejaculate, but the point is that it's all about how you do what you're doing.)

I think blowjobs are so riddled with unnecessary connotations of submission that whenever my previous partners went down on me they were, in effect, submitting. (As another aside, these particular past partners were for the most part submissive women, which I'm sure had something to do with it. Why my dating history has a 3-to-1 ratio of submissive women to dominant women is, however, another frustrating post entirely.) While I enjoy sexual stimulation from a talented mouth as much as the next man, girls who go down on me with a disposition that is solely intended to please are just not as sexy as the ones who do it with a mind for taking control of me.

There are two times in life when people will show you their true emotions. The first is during a round of poker. The second is during sex.

It should probably be obvious, but maybe it's not: submissive men like assertive blowjobs, not amiable ones. In fact, in case one thing doesn't lead you to the other, submissive men like assertiveness and control in general. We like assertive handjobs and masturbation, fucking (of many varieties), kissing, and pussy-licking. In other words, we enjoy all the very same sexual acts anyone else does, but what we enjoy most about them is the assertiveness and control of our dominant partners.

So when Eileen took hold of my wrist and placed it behind my back as she enveloped my penis with her throat, I nearly shuddered from the hotness. There was the key visual element that combined one of the sexiest things I have ever seen with my iconic image of female dominance: assertive and control, wanting me and taking me. She took me, this time, with her mouth.

She licked my cock from base to head and from head to base, not in worship to me but in her own indulgence. Whereas before I was used to blowjobs being a rather piston-like up and down motion or a stationary sucking sensation (penises aren't straws, by the way), Eileen's mouth slowly travelled all over my shaft. When she combined a powerful suction on my penis' corona with vertical strokes from her tongue I had to say it out loud: "I'm going to orgasm if you keep doing that." And in response, she eased up just enough to make it possible for me not to come.

In response to my friend's second question asking for an iconic image of a "top" or "domme," I responded that to come up with one is actually pretty difficult. After all, there are so many different looks that I associate with dominance. Does the so-called iconic female dominant have long hair or short hair? Is she dressed in tight clothing or is she lounging in bathrobes? It can all be hot.

So my answer was that an image iconic of a female top or domme for me, at that moment when she asked, was a tall woman wearing jeans that shows off her ass nicely and some kind of tank-top-like shirt, probably black. It's comfortable yet sexy—sexy because she's comfortable. And in my fantasies, she's holding something, like a knife in her right hand and a coiled rope in her left, not to be too specific about it. (I realized later that I was actually just describing Eileen in one of her more playful moods, but that's besides the point right now.)

Clearly I have a thing for the outdoorsy look, but what I really have a thing for is the confident type. This should be no secret (and if it is, I pity you and would like to invite you to listen especially close right now), but confidence is always sexy. Always. It's sexy to me when you look into my eye and feel confident enough to know you can make me hard just by licking your lips.

Confidence is about being sexy, regardless of orientation or activity. Assertiveness and control is about taking that confidence and applying it to a particular sexual power dynamic. Like, you know, leaving me literally laughing on our bed from desperate arousal after giving me the most dominant blowjob I've ever felt and then smiling as you tell me there's not a chance you'll let me orgasm tonight.

12 comments:

M.T. said...

Blowjobs, blowjobs. Traditionally this was my finest sexual skill - giving head. I loved it. I was great at it. Now by "great" I don't mean I could take some guy I didn't know and bring him off and blow his mind, but more that, over time, I would learn a guy and just how to do him and he would go crazy nuts.

I always felt dominant going down on a man, not because I could hurt him (because I would never - at least not back then), but because I was in control of his pleasure, because I could make him feel something.

I've been having sex with Jos for two months and only gone down on him a few times, and generally somewhat half-heartedly. What the hell? I think I'm realizing that, while I always loved giving head, it was also always mandatory in my mental model of relationships. And that's straight-up submissive right there - the idea that you have to perfect a certain sex act for your partner.

Most of Jos's orgasms with me are self-inflicted, most of the remainder come from fucking, and then some tiny portion involve me actually giving him a hand- or blowjob. Hmm!

maymay said...

I always felt dominant going down on a man, not because I could hurt him (because I would never - at least not back then), but because I was in control of his pleasure, because I could make him feel something.

Bingo. I feel like I should give you a prize, but I don't have very much to offer. Not without Eileen's input, anyway. ;)

that's straight-up submissive right there - the idea that you have to perfect a certain sex act for your partner.

Submissives love this. I have literally read books on cunnilingus for the sole purpose of making sure I know what I'm doing. I have done this for all kinds of sex, including kink things such as ensuring that we have the toys I know my partner and I will like. While I don't think this is the exclusive domain of the submissive partner, submissives who think like I think do this because we want to bring pleasure to our partner and that, itself, is in many ways our own pleasure.

Most of Jos's orgasms with me are self-inflicted, most of the remainder come from fucking, and then some tiny portion involve me actually giving him a hand- or blowjob. Hmm!

I actually want to write more about this. I have been tracking my orgasms for a relatively long time now and it's about time I did some statistical analysis. ;) But if I had to guess, I'd say my experience is similar: an overwhelming majority (almost all) of my orgasms are through masturbation.

M.T. said...

I feel like I should give you a prize

Hey, I can think of a few things. Um. Argh.

One of the earliest acts of my relationship with Jos was when I trained him to go down on me. The first time, it just wasn't right. The next time I had him (mostly) restrained, I took one of his palms, gave him one of mine, and demonstrated exactly the licking motion that was needed. (We're talking about basics here. I'm not sure how to do myself in an advanced way.) And made him practice, first on me, and then, during the next couple of weeks, on his own hand in his spare time.

He was incredibly grateful for this.

I can't tell you how much I love you submissive men.

maymay said...

As far as education goes, I would highly recommend this book (which I have read three times), and intend to read its companion when I have found a penis I want to pleasure this way.

Also, how dare you trick me into talking about oral sex as a submissive act again?

m.t. said...

I'm an evil bitchy dom, remember? (I wish.)

Bitchy Jones said...

I hate, hate, fucking hate the idea that giving oral sex is automatically submissive. Why? Is putting your mouth on someone's genitals not a nice thing? Are genitals not nice?

Licking and sucking are both pleasurable to do. Ask a lollipop salesman. Licking and sucking things that are leeching lovely dirty pheromones and attached to someone that you like a lot is a great deal of fun.

I like having fun. Sometimes I even smile.

BJx

maymay said...

Also, more generally, what is inherently submissive about giving sexual stimulation at all? A lot of people's (especially submissive men's) mindsets about (especially female) dominance is, as you've written about numerous times, about avoiding sex at all costs. And that is stupid, and not sexy.

almost said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sierra said...

The idiot who came up with the notion that sucking cock was only a submissive act needs to be found and strung up.

Sucking cock can be what you want it to be.

That’s something I learned really well when I use to switch. I could see it as a dominant act when I was with my sub and then not even an hour later I could see it as submissive when I was with my dom. All it took was just changing my mindset to accept it as such.

The brain plays such a major part in sex, I just wish some people knew how to use it.

almost said...

That's really quite hot. And I quite agree.

I think the moments when I've felt the most dominant and sexy at the same time were when I was giving blowjobs.

Richard Evans Lee said...

Top or bottom, vanilla or kinky I've always wanted to be the giver of pleasure. And outside of D/s have a strong need to set the pace.

So actually being the fellator was a rare pleasure. (Rare because most of my sex life has been gay and vanilla and I always attracted "total bottoms" - sigh ...

maymay said...

Sierra:

Sucking cock can be what you want it to be.

Heeeellllllll yes!


Almost:

I think the moments when I've felt the most dominant and sexy at the same time were when I was giving blowjobs.

Well, I think that's quite hot. :)

Richard:

Top or bottom, vanilla or kinky I've always wanted to be the giver of pleasure.

I second that feeling; even when I'm the one being stimulated (which of course I enjoy immensely) it does very little for me if it's not being enjoyed.