REDIRECTED TO MAYBEMAIMED.COM: Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed

Oh, the wonderful intricacies of idioms and toying with them through language. Such cryptography can only succumb to cryptanalysis that accounts for the relevant factors of today. (Apologies to those readers who aren't actually a part of my non-cyber life.) In such cases, a picture is worth a thousand words.



The picture of me, above, was actually taken in 2005, though a similar and yet distinctly very different night was had just a few hours ago.

Okay, so here's a funny subject I've been trying to experiment with a little lately. This past week I've been locked up in the CB-3000 at my girlfriend's command. The last time I had been locked up wasn't for a good many months ago. (I have it recorded on my personal kink calendar, but without looking it up I'd say it's been at least four months since my last lock-up.) I'm glad that, after all this time, it's still relatively easy to get acclimated to wearing the device again. Sleeping is not a problem, comfort is hardly an issue, and overall it's not difficult to remain hygienic.

The thing that has changed between then and now, funnily enough, is the kinds of clothing I typically wear. My wardrobe is stocked full of form-fitting shirts and, more to the point, pants and underwear. My underwear inventory isn't even very good at accomodating my penis when I'm not locked in the chastity device (it's mostly very feminine wearables), so trying to maneuver into it with the bulk of the chastity device is an amusing challenge.

This has led me to experiment a lot more with what kinds of clothing work best when locked. I've had to consider both comfort and look, for obvious reasons. The results have surprised me!

For instance, it turns out that thongs (designed for women) are actually very comfortable to wear when I'm locked in the chastity device. It seems that the tightness of the thong stretching over the device gives me a lot of support in the needed area, and pulls the device downwards enough to avoid being a noticeable bulge in my pants. Since there's not a lot of fabric, it's also a lot easier for my bits to "breathe" if it's warm out. Wearing tidy whities or similar underwear is supportive enough, but also stifling. Besides, my ass looks like a million bucks in a thong. ;)

I've also found that low-rise women's jeans are way more comfortable than traditional men's style jeans. This is because it's trivial to place my package on either side of the seam without trouble, whereas in other styles of pants the seam itself gets in the way of things. Readjustments have been necessary on occasion, but it's not difficult to find a public restroom to do so.

Of course, I'm not sure how much of this is personal taste or actually making sense objectively, but whatever. My conclusions from all of this experimentation largely boil down to two salient points. These are:

1. I need to purchase way more thongs.


2. I can be a bit more bold in the style of my dress while locked up. (Yay!)

I've been a bad boy. It's nearly Thursday and I've yet to get to my Wednesday Wanderings posting this week. I don't think I really have the readership who cares, but I've not been very good about posting lately and I certainly want to write about the events of the weekend and this past week. They have been amazingly wonderful, and the explorations into D/s that Eileen and I are doing right now is pushing us both in new—and exciting—directions.

However, once again, tonight I haven't the energy to draw it all together and so instead I'll make note of some of the recent goings-on elsewhere that I've found to be interesting. Rather than try to continually find great new stuff (because, damn, that's really hard—there isn't really that much great stuff out there, really, and even if there is it's hard to find), I'll do the ol' some old and some new link list.

So without further ado, this week's Wanderings:

• Bitchy Jones's Diary: Fuck Me, and Fuck Me Again - Bitchy Jones has, in traditionally beautiful Bitchy style, posted about her frustrations with the ideas of penile-centric sex and what it means in the realm of Femitydomity™ and the kink world as a whole. I loved these posts because I can relate to large parts of them, and I can see how I completely don't relate to other parts of them even though I can agree with her points. As usual, that is what the topic of BDSM (or kink, if I must, Bitchy ;) will do to folks. Everyone's got their own point of view because it's such an intensely personal topic. I love that about this subject matter. Anyway, long story short(er), you should go check out these posts.


• MWK's Weekly Wankcast - In the vein of new stuff, I followed some links on timidboy's site that led me to Mistress Wycked Kitten's "Weekly Wankcast," a podcast of teases and all sorts of other such wonderful things of that nature. I'll admit I have yet to listen to a single one from start to finish, but the excerpts I've been picking up sound very hot. As an information junkie and technologist, it's exciting to see people take advantage of new media in this way. Props to Mistress Wycked Kitten for being one of the first ones on the map in this space, and I certainly hope more will join her soon. Hell, I've got a ton of ideas myself....

In other news, it appears that a majority of bloggers (save Bitchy, of course) haven't been that active this past week, myself included. Richard and Alexandra are finally together again, and I wish them the best of times and a lot of fun while they spend their time together. Tom Allen's been spending a good deal of time responding to comments on his recent entries and as I'm somewhat more familiar with Tom's story from ages ago, I'm remaining a little quieter than most. Tom, you're becoming quite the little superstar. :)

For me, the past few days has been a whirlwind of activity in the non-kinky areas of my life. Suffice it to say that I'm voluntarily unemployed (or will be very soon) and am starting to freak out a little bit about it. I'm in that situation where I have no clue what my life will look like one week down the line, and this is both a freeing and somewhat frightening experience.

Eileen and I have enjoyed way, way more play than we normally do, as well, so there's a lot to write about. Almost too much, in fact, because I've been mulling the experiences over for days now and am no where nearer to writing about them. In some ways, I'm not sure I really want to quite yet, because they were awesome and personal and I don't have much of a basis for understanding them beyond the experience itself. I'd love to play that way some more in the future, and keep exploring these areas. And I know, I'm being way vague, which is totally unfair to readers. But hey, I may be a subbie but it's still my blog—and don't worry, you'll hear allll about it soon enough. :)

Surfing around again tonight, I found a very interesting post by Saratoga discussing chastity versus draining ("milking") a male submissive before play time. He describes the basic thrust of the concept like this:

The point is to make his ejaculatory moment as meaningless, humbling and unremarkable as possible. Pointedly waste his seed in an unceremonious manner. Then follow it up with brisk, focused activities which sweep his consciousness away from the release of his precious male sexual fluid to the infinitely more important tasks selected by his Mistress.

An interesting thought indeed. Why would one be interested in doing this? Saratoga writes:

This assures, as the Australian Domme stated, that the male is "serving (her) from submission, not from lust." Actually, I'd suggest, from my personal experience, that the boy may still serve his Mistress "from lust," but it would be from lust for Her, not lust for his own sexual release. So, male pre-play release would assure both a more purely submissive motivation for serving his Mistress, as well as a basis for his more purely lusting for Her, not his own sexual satisfaction.

Oh, okay, I get it. Try to ensure that the actions I am taking are in fact performed out of devotion, not a desire for self-gratification. Such a thing can be debated endlessly if taken to philosophical extremes, but let's assume for the sake of self-exploration that not all actions are ultimately selfish.

I can certainly relate to this idea at times. Surely, if I am denied sexual release, won't my compliance simply be a measure of how much I want an orgasm? Sometimes, yes. Is that the point? Sometimes, yes. It's an unmeasurable thing, really, to try and determine what intentions have provided the motivation for an action of someone else's. The dominant can't ever truly know, despite how much they may suspect one thing to be the reality over another possibility. If I am really horny, I might be performing some action out of a desire to please my dominant so that she or he might grant me an orgasmic climax, but I may not. Sometimes, it's hard for me to tell the difference--and that's the real reason I see some value in this approach to starting a scene.

I think this can be an interesting tool. For example, there are certainly physiological changes that happen in one's body that are dependent on where you are in the sexual response cycle. The release of endorphins is the common example and explains why so many of us feel as though we can take more pain when we are highly aroused. Now think about what it might do to you if you were forced to take a harsh paddling or a whipping after you have had an orgasm and not allowed to enjoy an afterglow. I think it would be pretty mentally distressing...and as such could prove to be a very, very powerful tool for a dominant to be aware of.

That is to say, draining a man prior to a scene isn't necessarily a means to ensure his devotion or intention for service, but it certainly will change the way his body and mind responds to certain things. Dominance is not about devotion, it's about using the tools you have at hand to control somebody else, devotion be damned. The awareness of how a submissive reacts differently to things before or after an orgasm was granted is one of these tools. The only way to get really good at using it is to practice, practice, practice.

Just my two cents….

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Time again for another Wednesday Wandering list o' linkage. This time, I wanted to find some quality submissive's content. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's just the law of statistics, but there seems to be relatively fewer actually good quality submissive men's writings than there are dominant women's writings. Anyway, while not entirely sub-male-produced, here's my list for this week:

• Confessions of a Timid Boy - Timid Boy's blog is his self-proclaimed "journey into subspace". Surprisingly, since most of these sorts of things are pretty templatized (guilty as charged), Timid Boy's site itself is very nicely designed. The very sexy photo at the top earns a lot of points here, as well. He writes a lot about his personal experiences with his orgasm denial at the hands of his Mistress, which, if you're interested in that sort of thing from a sub male's point of view, is a good read.


• Human For Sale - While not really content, I thought this would be interesting to point people to. Also, just think of the naughty conversations that it could spawn. This is a site that tries to guestimate your monetary value based on your qualities and experiences, such as educational level, lifestyle habits, physical characteristics and so on and so forth. Even better, it explains most of the decisions it makes. I'm apparently worth about $1,900,000, which is just above average for men. My girlfriend is worth more than a million dollars more than I am, and was the second-highest valued female on the day we took the test together. Figures, doesn't it? ;)

So that's it. I know there's not much this time, but things have been a little crazy for me. I just gave my boss(es) my notice of resignation, and I don't have another job lined up so this'll be interesting. I've spent the week mostly at a hotel and the major comfort I am finding while away from home is the garter my girlfriend packed in my bag for me. I love the feeling of the fabric encircling my thigh, even while it makes me miss home and her touch even more.

Last night, Eileen and I were cuddling in bed. I was horny and hard, of course, and I was thrilled when Eileen let me masturbate while I kissed her feet as I did so. Naturally, I was quickly on edge, and continued to edge while kissing her feet for quite a while (an estimated 30-45 minutes).

I have always found feet to be one of the funniest parts of the body. Not sexy funny, really, just ha-ha funny. However, there is something strangely comforting about resting my head on my girlfriend's feet, and humbling about kissing them. She has had me do this for her before, and even though it's not something I would do of my own volition, I find it very enjoyable. Tonight especially, I wondered if she was trying to make me associate worshiping her feet with the pleasure of masturbation. The thought is arousing in much the same way as it is humiliating, especially since it is the foot fetish that I typically associate with the standard "stand and model" crowd I dislike.

While I was edging, Eileen was busying herself on her laptop, stopping to lift my chin with her foot and look at me occasionally when I would make moaning sounds she enjoyed. When I was close to the edge, I kept thinking how much I was enjoying that feeling, and though I was very seriously considering begging for a release, I found myself instead hoping not to have one.

Ironically, after a while, I pushed myself just a little too far and felt myself peak just over the edge. Wanting to be good and to keep edging, I immediately stopped touching myself and tried my best to relax and let the orgasm fade as I had been doing before. I froze but it was too late, and after a few moments my penis weakly oozed out its ejaculate. I almost didn't notice it until it was nearly over; I had given myself an abandoned orgasm by accident.

"You beat me to it, naughty boy," she told me, sort of grinning, "I was going to let you cum. Better double the single-tail lashings." I already owed her 50 lashings for a previous accidental orgasm when she had to leave for her trip overseas, so now I've earned 100. (Though I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to these lashings or not.) I moaned aloud when she told me this, not because of the lashings but because she said she was going to let me cum.

I knew the orgasm she would have let me have would have been full and wonderful and a true release, but instead I had given myself a weak and ruined orgasm that didn't even help my erection waver. Our typical pattern is a release for me about once every 6-12 days (it had been 7 days since my last orgasm at that point), so I'm not expecting another one for a short while and I'm already craving it, loving the anticipation of my next release after having ruined my last one myself.

And...the thought of having had "missed" the real chance...that's also really turning me on. Hmm....

One of my Mistress's most amazing techniques in teasing me is very simple, yet very effective: she just doesn't touch me often. When she does, it is almost always very gentle caresses, feather-light kisses, slow licks. I always craved her touch, but rarely am I brought to such desperate desire than when she teases me with touches like these.

This past week was an intense string of anticipatory teases. Eileen even went so far as to whisper in my ear one night, "I have plans for you." The execution of this plan was mind-bogglingly hot, but that's a story I'll tell another time. This time, I want to make the observation that saying that itself was incredibly hot, and the anticipation it creates is an incredibly powerful tool in a tease.

I can't actually remember when the last time Eileen touched me in an traditionally and explicitly sexual way was. I'm sure she has not too long ago, but it's been a while. Our sexual behavior would probably confuse a lot of people. In the past couple of weeks, the only times I can remember that she has touched me sexually was when she either kissed me, very lightly moved her fingers over my cock in passing, or pressed my perineum to get at my prostate. It drives me crazy whenever she does this.

This kind of touch-but-not-really tease has literally made my body shiver and shake regularly. For some reason, I also drip a lot more precum when she teases me like this than when I'm stroked firmly. I think a lot of this has to do with the anticipation of the feelings itself; the body produces precum in anticipation of stimulation that indicates ejaculation, so it seems to make sense that stretching out or focusing on the anticipation itself would cause me to drip more.

The anticipatory sensation is especially apparent when I compare masturbation by my own hand with hers. When what I'm feeling is my own hand, I know precisely what I'm going to do. When it's her hand on me, I don't know what she'll do next and so I am primed for whatever it is without a pause. What's interesting in that situation is that most people seem to feel that having someone else masturbate them is more pleasurable, or at least differently so, than doing it themselves. I wonder how much of that pleasurable sensation is due to the feelings of anticipation.

Anticipation is also very apparent as part of orgasm denial. One of the main "reasons" for delaying an orgasm is that the longer you wait, the better it feels when you finally come. While this is certainly true for the intensity of the orgasm in many circumstances, I am thinking that the waiting itself, the anticipation of the coming orgasm (rather than the intensity of the orgasm itself) is another piece to the puzzle. What this means is that there are two kinds of teases: teases that focus on the intensity of the (hopefully) upcoming orgasm, and teases that focus on continuing the moments of pleasure just before orgasm.

Safety: Face slapping, is a very detailed article about the physical dangers of face slapping in BDSM play that both submissives and dominants should read and understand before playing with strong face slapping in their scenes. Face slapping can be dangerous. For instance, the article advises:

Of course, if hitting hard enough, you will break the cheekbone (damaging almost inevitably some nerves), or dislodge or break the jaw articulation, which, even when being very strong, is not designed for receiving a lateral impact. For diminishing the possibility of this damage your sub should close forcefully the mouth.

There are a number of other resources on BDSM safety as well, and I think these will be good to keep all in one place, so I'm going to see if I can blog them all under the BDSM safety label over time.

I have only ever done face slapping with my current girlfriend and Mistress because it is a very hot-button issue for me. There's an intensely contextualized component to this activity that can give it so many meanings, both for the person doing the hitting and the one getting hit. Being hit, I can feel any one of defiant, submissive, or abused (in both good and bad ways). Each emotion carries a huge weight and affects the scene.

Face slapping is tricky for me that way because I can't ever seem to predict what reaction I'll have from it, regardless of any prior activity or the context of the scene. So this form of play is very hit-or-miss for me; either the activity will add a lot of pleasure to the experience for both of us, or it will really send me into a negative spiral that I don't really want. That is to say, if I am feeling like I want to be abused but instead I feel defiant when struck, that wrecks my mood pretty harshly and causes all sorts of emotional "static" that I have trouble with during the rest of the scene. Of course, "wrecks" is not always the right word, because the issue is mostly about how this incredibly intense button is pushed, not always what happens because of it.

Hm.... Certainly something to think about more, eh?

One thing I was never able to relate to was the notion of ritualizing this form of play. On Fetish Lore, Ranai writes:

A ritualised form of face slapping:
I sit. He kneels before me. I order him to keep his hands behind his back. I look into his eyes, raise my hand and slap his cheek. Then I present that same hand before him. He bends down and kisses the back of my hand. He straightens up again. I slowly raise my hand and slap him again. I present my hand. He kisses my hand again. I do it with the other hand. And so forth. Doing this a few times in silence can be a powerful thing.

I can certainly relate to the power of this action, and I would also very willingly (perhaps happily? I'm not sure...) do it if commanded to by my Mistress, but this is not something I can see myself wanting to do of my own volition. I have trouble with rituals and tradition to begin with, so maybe that issue plays a large part of my reluctance to do that sort of thing. On the flip side, it is an intensely erotic and arousing thought to be conditioned to enjoy this ritual for some reason, but the kinky desire in that context would be the conditioning and control, not the ritual.

Ranai also provides a contrasting mood:

In a fun mood:
If I have brought my partner to the edge of an orgasm, a deep look into his eyes and a slap or two on his cheek can be the final action that sends him over the edge. That's a great experience for me too.

Now this I can totally get behind, for several reasons. First, it has always been hotter to me to think of single slaps, not consistent or rhythmic slaps. Perhaps it is the spontanaety of the act, or perhaps it is just because I'm not really that big a fan of face slapping to begin with. (Hitting is awesome. Hitting my face is questionable because I don't know why it makes me react so unpredictably.) Either way, there is a strong contextual undertone that I link directly to orgasm control with the idea of being slapped during orgasm, and that is simply that the pleasure of the orgasm is being very cruelly interupted by the dominant. And that, as is not surprising, is really hot for me.

I also react strongly to being touched simply and lightly, caressed on the cheek or the bridge of my nose. There is something extra powerful, especially intimate about the face.

Over a very, very late lunch (or early supper), Eileen made the rather endearing comment that she was somewhat intimidated by the profuse amounts of blogging and writing that I do. My response surprised me. I told her, "Well, all subs write more than doms," and just as I said that I asked myself if it were really true.

Now, I certainly can't speak for everyone and I typically dislike over-arching generalizations except when they are understood to be such a thing, but I really do think that submissives typically write more than dominants. In fact, to be even more specific of my own observations, most experiencial writings are publisehd by female submissives, most fantasy was published by male submissives, and most "how to" articles and technically-minded material was published by male dominants. This is an interesting observation in itself, but on the whole my observation is that subs write more stuff.

My theory on this is very straightforward (by which I mean completely unfounded, untested, and underdeveloped): submission is ultimately a very internal process, whereas domination is far more externalized. In other words, submission is largely passive and receptive and domination is active. (This sounds a lot like sex psychology 101, right?)

My hypothesis is thus, perhaps as a result of these properties, submissives (by which I mean myself) tend to take the opportunity to write--and especially blog, due to it's easy push-button publishing nature--to externalize their own submission. Certainly domination also requires high degree of self-analysis, but dommes who play with their subs regularly are already externalizing a lot of things, and perhaps don't have the desire to do so as much as subs seem to.

So there's my completely underdeveloped theory as to why subs write more than dommes do.

On an off-topic but tangentially related topic, finding the wealth of femdom material online that I have is rather new for me. I've never been that interested in it because the last time I really looked for this sort of material was ages ago, and it was really hard to find anything at all, much less anything good. Furthermore, all the femdom stuff I found was so focused on D/s and light play such as light spankings, sissyfication, verbal humiliation, and orgasm control (not that there's anything wrong with any of these; please, bring them on!) that there was very little material about the really fun stuff like hour-long singletail whippings that left men's backs bloodied, threaded piercings used for bondage, torture and interrogation scenes, and brutal cuttings and intense knifeplay. It's just not that easy to find female dominants talking about playing much physically at all. (Of course, I'm really thrilled to have begun finding exceptions to that remark!)

These intense things are, of course, not everyone's cup of tea and that's okay, but they are at the heart of most of my deeper fantasies and so I sought them out where they were available: fictional erotic literature. Granted, these things may not be written about nearly as often because they are really hard to do well, or even at all. Do you have any idea how much preparation an interrogation scene takes? A really involved one that lasts more than a night? A lot!

Ironically, this is the second time I'm writing this entry because my Web browser ate it the first time. How utterly frustrating! Grr on it! Of course, I think the first entry was far more interesting and insightful. Oh, and it was longer too.

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The wonderfully expressive Bitchy Jones has a fantastic post about professional female dominants (i.e., a pro-domme, a dominatrix, etc.), in which she says:

It makes me sad that the only dom women you ever see in the media are professional doms. The shelves in the erotica section of my local Borders are thick with the memoirs of prodom women, but no memoirs of anyone like me. And no matter how much these women with the memoirs out love it they *are* getting paid. And that’s just different to doing something for love. It just is.

Frankly, I agree completely. As a male submissive who has been fortunate enough to get the chance to enjoy scenes with pro-dommes, I viscerally dislike the whole industry built around this aspect of BDSM. It's just not real, and that tarnishes everything about the experience for me. Most of the times I've interacted with pro-dommes they didn't know the first thing about how to react to me. She (as a general plural "they") would go into her whole "I'm a beautiful domme and you want to give me things" routine andd I just shake my head at her. It's annoying and it's not sexy. Oh, and it's pretentious, too.

Furthermore, I can't feel submissive to someone like that because I feel embarassed for them. Eileen made the good point during a recent conversation about being a professional dominatrix that she would probably find the experience humiliating. Doingg anything just because you need the money, even if you don't really mind "that much" that you're doing it and even if you can genuinely have a good time, is still humiliating.

And it's submissive, at least to the situation if not directly to the client. But then again it is, because most Pro-Dommes work hard for really great tips and there's no way in my mind that that instinct is not utterly submissive. As a male client, I know that I have at least some level of control over the so-called female dominant's motivation in a way that I just don't have when money's not involved. On the flip side, however, it is (or at least it certainly should be) within the pro-domme's power and right to say that she will never want to scene with me again, and it's not as if there isn't an ocean full of other fish she can fry.

The other interesting thing I have noticed from my (admittedly one-sided but still rather vast) experience in the Pro-Domme scene is that an overwhelming majority of professional domintracies (dominatrixes?) are actually submissive (or at least switches) in their personal lives if they're even "into this stuff" in their personal lives at all. There's nothing wrong with being a submissive or with being a switch, but the very fact that this is such a hidden thing makes those who hide it completely unattractive to me as tops. It comes back to the fact that they are doing this not for me or with me, but for my money, alone.

Sure, there are exceptions (see previous link to enjoyable scenes with pro-dommes), but these are certainly not the typical experience. One would think, then, that there is a huge business opportunity for a "real" pro-domme, one who "gets it" and for whom BDSM truly is a "natural" thing and not just a "job." The money is a lure that is hard to resist. But wouldn't that change things? And of course, how can I reallly judge so harshly without having walked a mile in those high-heeled shoes, so to speak?

Today I read Lady Julia's recent post on Verbal assertions of control where she quotes Her Buddy who said:

I asked her if I did good this weekend. She said she must not give me enough praise. I said that is not it, just for some reason, I like to hear her acknowledge what I have done. Just a reminder from her verbally goes a long way.

This never really struck me as being something that was ever tied specifically to a D/s relationship, because this is something I find important in every aspect of my life. I like to know that my efforts have not gone unnoticed, that I'm actually making a difference and that people appreciate my work. I like to know that my friends think I'm a good friend and that my girlfriend thinks I'm generous to her. This isn't something I seek out of some kind of lack of self-confidence or a need to feel validated, but rather a connection to whomever is on the receiving side of my efforts.

Lady Julia remarks:

Everyone needs a bit of praise from time to time, but it took me a while in the beginning to realize just how much more intensely words of encouragement and appreciation mean to many submissive fellas. Even more than that, I think, is how much hearing the assertion of my control means.

(Emphasis added.)

This is very true. What's more pertinent to me than simply understanding that this form of acknowledgement is desirable, however, is thinking about why it is that my Mistress's assertions of her control are so sexy. Certainly, it is an obvious part that an assertion itself is a statement of control, and that is what I get off on.

Lady Julia continues and says:

For many these types of verbal assertions of control really seem to excite, motivate, and strengthen the bond between the Dom/me and the submissive.

Rook's particular hot button is for me to remind him that I saw him, decided I wanted him, and was able with almost no effort to seduce him into being mine to control. He loves knowing I took him - a man who did not identify himself with being submissive at all - and guided him to a place where he will now do anything I ask.

For many utilizing verbal assertions of control won't be a natural thing. It wasn't for me, but the more I use them and take note of the responses they elicit, the more it has become a natural part of the way I communicate.

Last night Eileen and I walked and talked for hours and one of the things that came up during the conversation was how sexy I find it when I think about her dominating a man who displays more traditionally masculine personality traits and how focused on her that fantasy is. In fact, when I think about her being with someone cool and masculine and sexy in those ways, it is still her dominance that is arousing to me (and this is true for every arousing thing about unfair situation I may be in). That dominance is an assertion of her control much in the same way as a verbal declaration such as "I like it when you're horny and needy" is an assertion of her control, and that's sexy.

Inspired by Eileen, I'm beginning to make it a point to write as a goal. Not only is it fun, it has become a fantastic way to communicate my ideas, my fantasies and to just stay in touch. Blogging also helps me write in other ways because writing itself can be hard, and staying in the habit of writing is important to maintaining a certain minimum of skill.

That said, what I want to write is erotica. Erotic literature was a huge part of my formative sexual experience when I was younger, and it's still one of my great joys today. So I thought, Well, why not contribute? And so I have! I signed up for an ASSTR author account and was just accepted.

My first story is called Good boy, good pet, and I hope you enjoy it. :)

I get off on things being unfair in a D/s relationship. I get fewer orgasms, I have less money, I have more tasks, and so on. The imbalance is a display of power, the unfairness stimulating as a reminder of my submission. But it's a tricky thing. It becomes a slippery slope very quickly. The unfairness of the situation itself is a powerful turn on.

Very much like the issue with punishment, I enjoy the fantasy of the unfairness more than I enjoy the reality of it. As a fantasy, things being unfair can be hot and arousing, accentuating the emotions of submission with emotions of helplessness at being "forced" to do something and of having no choice. In reality, when things are so imbalanced that they are wildly unfair, I become resentful or jealous ("my life is so much harder than yours"). This makes me believe that a very clear line must be drawn between the fantasy and the reality, and that these limits must be treated seriously. There's nothing wrong with playing with the fantasy, but making this fantasy a reality could lead to detrimental effects.

The most arousing fantasy of unfairness I have involves cuckolding and orgasm denial. Cuckolding in general is something that is a very, very dangerously slippery slope for most couples. If not communicated properly, performed carefully, or allowed to get to either partner's head too much, it can ruin a good relationship. I have never been cuckolded before, though I have been cheated on multiple times by more than one partner. Interestingly, even though these were horrible experiences, an element of them--the element of unfairness and cruelty--was arousing. I fantasize about my girlfriend with other men on a regular basis at the same time as I make myself anxious thinking about it.

My fantasy involves having my girlfriend masturbate another guy until he orgasms, possibly several times, allowing him to have sex with her or to use me to obtain his climax while I am denied the same pleasure. Both of them would then taunt and tease me about how unfair it is that he gets all the orgasms he wants and I don't get any. This is, very much like the punishment scenario, something I may not find arousing in reality, but the fantasy is incredibly powerful.

I wonder what things we can do to ease the negative emotions that would come up if this sort of thing became a reality....

One way to do this that doesn't touch on the emotions triggered by involving a third person is to use pornography to showcase other people's orgasms, such as pictures of cumshots or videos of people having orgasms (see, for example, Beautiful Agony) or of course, watching my partner masturbate. For some reason, however, it's a more powerful tease if the person orgasming is a guy (since I am). Another fantasy image I have often is that of being tied up, perhaps spread eagled to a bed, and being made to watch clips of guys getting off in any numberof ways while I, myself, am getting teased to the edge again and again, listening to my Mistress goading me on about how badly I must want to shoot like the guys in the videos (or the man she's with).

That's all really, just some late-night fantasy wonderings.

Browsing around for some new blogs tonight, I found a post that Hardwired Submissive Man titled Tease and Denial. In his post, he writes a little about being masturbated teasingly:

It was easy to tell that her motivation wasn't to let me finish, but to tease and torment. I absolutely ADORE this kind of play. A relentless tease is far more exciting than an orgasm and i find i never have to worry about the "let down" after.

There are lots of times when I feel very much like that. I also absolutely adore teasing and tormenting attentions. They're fantastic because it's an indulgence for my fantasies, her attention is intent and focused entirely on my body, and the pleasure really does cause a wonderful high. I also sometimes don't want the high to end because I know that what comes after an orgasm is often a relative downswing.


Ups and downs are something I've been writing about in terms of emotions for years, but they're not actually something I've thought that much about when it comes to sex. Partly, this is because I like the orgasm, too and so a mild downswing seems like a fair price to pay. The orgasm is intensely pleasureable and I crave it often.

But the question is ultimately what do I crave, the orgasm I lust after or the lusting itself? Sometimes I think the answer is one, sometimes it's the other, and sometimes it's both. I think a major part of my desire for orgasm control is because it's truly difficult to know what's what in my head sometimes. When instead I obey whatever command I am given by Eileen and she chooses for me, I can be assured that no matter what happens, I will be doing what she wants and I am always gauranteed pleasure from that outcome.

For me, and I have observed for many other people, kink and BDSM is a sexuality all its own. It is not merely arousing in a sexual connotation, but in an emotional one. Kink and BDSM play upon very fundamental aspects of the human psyche that are familiar to all of us, regardless of race, religion, ethnicity, education, or personal experience. Helplessness, selfishness, greed, the lust for power and control, pain and pleasure, are each feelings distinct from the notion of sex. Certainly, they can be sexualized (and often are), but this is not a prerequisite for BDSM play.

Turning these things into sex is merely what makes kink kinky. Without the sexual component, they are still all fun and valid means of self-expression, friendship, and affection. In my experience, in fact, BDSM play of this kind has proven to be one of the most powerful ways to communicate emotion. It touches my psyche in ways mere words will never be able to reach.

For example, I remember a scene early in my relationship with Eileen when I was at her place for the night. We were just beginning to play together, and we were both eager to explore the relationship we were developing to its limits and then beyond. That night, she stripped me down to my boxers and tied my hands behind my back to the chair she had seated me on. Eventually, as she stood before me, she smacked my cheek with her palm. It was one of the first times I had ever been struck on the face and I didn't really know what to make of it.

My ultimate reaction was not sexual arousal, nor a masochistic desire to feel the painful burn of her palm across my cheek again. Instead, it was a flood of cathartic emotions released from the intimacy of the act. Here was a woman whom I did not know exceptionally well by any traditional measurement standing over me, looking intently into my eyes, focusing all her attention on my reactions. And there I was, naked except for my underwear with my hands bound uselessly behind me, exposed and physically vulnerable to her advances.

But the floodgates weren't opened by my physical vulnerability. No, instead, they were openned by my emotional vulnerability. I couldn't help it; I began to cry. As tear after tear rolled down my cheek, she didn't stop hitting me or ease up at all. Her expression didn't waver. She slapped me again and again until I was sobbing quietly.

Later, she told me that she felt it was a wonderful thing to know that wherever she was pushing me into, she could bring me back from--she knew we'd be okay. After she had finished slapping my face, she untied me and helped me lay down on her bed. I curled up into a fetal position and she lay down beside me, spooning me. She hugged me close to her and I flipped around to rest my head on her chest. Then, without a prompt of any kind or vocal prologue, I kissed her gently. With my kiss and without words I was saying, "I will indeed be all right." What amazed me about the experience was that when we spoke about the scene the next day, she conveyed a perfect understanding of my nonverbal communication.

She said that there were at least two distinct moments of very close silent communication, or perhaps understanding is a better word. She told me that she felt as though she knew precisely what I was feeling or trying to say without my having to say it. The first was when I began to cry and that she made the conscious choise to keep hitting me. The second was when I kissed her. She had said, "Thank you," back to me, and I renewed crying at her appreciation of my attempt to soothe her.

While such an experience is not necessarily devoid of sexual feelings, it is not, in itself, inherently sexual. Much of my play and my understanding of BDSM was in fact not directly sexual. Meeting Eileen was a fascinating thing because of how differently we came to the understanding of what BDSM was. For her, it was always directly sexual, and so playing with me in the ways I was used to doing was a little strange for her. Similarly, when she began introducing sexual experiences into play our that involved heavy sadomasochism, pain, fear, and other forms of emotion, I found it difficult to reconcile the seemingly contradictory feelings I was having.

Ultimately, everything we do is about connection and self-expression. To truly connect with someone, we have to express ourselves with utter honesty, and without a connection to someone else we can't express ourselves. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

I don't really think this will happen any time soon, but as is the case with most of my writing, it tends to come out in spurts. (Hmm, freudian spill, there?) ;) Anyway, to help prevent this from dying down, and because it's just plain fun, I'm instituting a "Wednesday Wanderings" content category for my blog, which will basically be a short list of links about some topic with a short blurb about what I think about what I've found there.

Several good things can come of this. First, it will keep me trying to find good stuff out there. I don't want to link to uninteresting or redundant things. Second, it will keep me reading about things I have not read about before. This is more than just fun for the sake of variety--although that's a major benefit right there--but it's also an important ingrediant for learning. Third, it'll provide a nice way for me to say thank you to others who have put the time and energy into making something worth consuming. (Damn freudian slips.)

That said, a few caveats are in order. There's a ton of reading material out there, and there are only 24 hours in the day. Most of these hours I have to spend doing things other than reading about BDSM, which is indeed unfortunate but true. As a result, I may not actually read every last word of every last page I link to. It just isn't feasible. Second, I'm not actually endorsing anything I link to, I'm just linking to it because for one reason or another, I found it cool.

(As a side note, Goddess Alexandra posted a very touching entry regarding the expectation or idea that D/s is a full-time thing. Or rather, that it doesn't have to be. It's another great example of trying the shoe on for size and only buying it if it fits. I think you should read it.)

Finally, the obvious question: "Don't you link to tons of stuff in normal posts anyway?" Yes, it's true that I do this all the time anyway, but I think having some kind of publication schedule will help me keep this site active as well as maintain my interest in all these other areas. Besides, sometimes a list format is just easier to speed-read through than a blog post.

So without further ado, the first Wednesday Wandering list is below:

• Making Him Your Dream Man: Male Chastity FAQ - I'm sure it's no surprise that male orgasm denial is on the first Wednesday Wandering list. This 8-step guide to male chastity is illustrated with cartoons in the style of Jan Thor's Chastity Belt Page and I found them to be a lot of fun.
  
  The steps themselves are short, simple explanations and written with a wonderful conversational tone. There's nothing in-depth here, but it's a fun read and is a great, gentle introduction to male chastity for women (aka, The Vanila Domme) who may not understand why they might be interested.


• Maria's Diary - The author of this site (Maria, if you haven't guessed), bills it as the "thoughts and experiences of a dominant wife," and that's a great synopsis. What sort of experiences does this dominant wife have, however? Well, lots! And not just with her husband.
  
  Maria cuckolds her husband Martin, and they both get off on it quite a bit. What I loved about the few diary entries I've read here is that she doesn't focus on just one aspect of her play or relationship, but actually tells the full story of each experience from background to actual experience all the way through reflection. She even writes about the conversations she has with husband about the cuckoldry itself. Maria writes a lot, she writes expressively, and there are even pictures! I've already bookmarked her diary and printed out the first article so I can read it on the train today.
  
  Unfortuantely she has decided not to write more in her diary, and from what I gathered it seemed to be the result of too much less-than-positive attention. Nevertheless, the archives are fantastic and I encourage you to read them if cuckoldry and female dominance have any interest to you at all.


• Lady Julia's Entranced Realm - One of my favorite Femdom bloggers, Julia's site is full of wonderful accounts of her experiences on her blog and throughout the rest of her site that are told in one of the kindest, most personable ways I've seen. She is engaging, intelligent and opinionated, but best of all open to debate and discussion, so if you read her posts don't hesitate to comment on them!
  
  Additionally, and this is why she's making my list today, she has a wealth of information on the topic of erotic hypnosis (her hypnosis articles are not to be missed) which has just recently become a new fascination for me. I've already found some eye-opening stuff by perusing these articles and you can rest assured I'll certainly be reading the remainder of them.

Okay, so that's my Wednesday Wandering list for the first week of March 2007. Not many, but as we all damn well know, the point is quality, not quantity, right? ;)

Happy clicking. And remember: not all who wander are lost!

When I used to be closer friends with the Pro Dommes at one of the local dungeons where I live, I would get invited pretty regularly to their Friday night parties. These were not great events because the Mistresses never had a truly fun time (since they were technically working), and I'm pretty sure that's why they kept inviting me; I was never a client, only a really, really young boy to play with. And I'll admit it: I was incredibly naive.

On several occasions, the girls used to dress me in full cross-dressing gear from head to toe. One of them was a fantastic makeup artist, and so the first time they did this I was actually speechless when I looked at myself in the mirror on the wall. With the makeup, she had done such an amazing job that I actually got asked if I worked at the dungeon by one of the party guests, and another one who had been eyeing me all night had to "check to make sure" whether or not I was female.

At that time, I didn't really understand the appeal of becoming outwardly more feminine. Now, however, it's one of the fantasies that runs deep within me, for many reasons and, and elicits a lot of different emotions. (As a sidenote, there's an interesting discussion spawning around this subject at the Fetish Lore Forum.)


By the way, when I asked her how she learned to do this she recommended a book that I think was called Making Faces. It was a photography book showing pictures of men's faces made up to look like stunning women through the use of makeup. She said such books (and a willing human canvas) were the best ways to learn.

It had not been first time I had ever cross-dressed, but it was the first time I was truly made to feel like a girl. This was a subtle yet eye-opening revelation for me. I always had thoughts of what it might be like to be a girl instead of the boy I am, and from a very young age I became fascinated with the gender differences (and similarities) between the sexes. When I became sexually aware, I began to have (and still have to this day) a very serious case of clitoris envy.

I believe that this, in at least some significant part, is due to the fact that I have always felt very strongly feminine in many ways. The popular phrase these days is to say that I am "in touch with my feminine side." I was an introvert and a shy child in general, but more so than this, I was hyper-sensitive to emotions and felt very moody much of the time because of this. I got along better with girls than I did with guys and I felt envious of them for being able to manipulate society's double-standards in ways that I wished I could, such as the approval of playing a sexually submissive role yet at the same time desiring to be lusted after.

Cross-dressing in and of itself is a lot of fun. I find girl's clothing to be unusually comfortable and very sensual. The softness of the fabrics such as leggings and nighties are extremely appealing (I've always loved soft things). The tight, form-fitting nature of the clothes such as jeans and shirts make me aware of my body in ways other clothes don't. (Interestingly, that only became an appealing aspect once I begun to feel more okay about my self-image.) However despite all this, I never truly thought of myself as "girly" in the sense of liking pretty things for the sake of their prettiness or being enthralled with pieces of jewelry. I like pretty things and I love jewelry that is somewhat demure, but these things never defined the pleasant emotions behind wanting to be a girl.

I eventually confessed to my girlfriend how sexy I thought girl's clothing was--everything from panties to outerwear. At first, it was a novelty when we went shopping for some tight jeans for me in the girl's section. Then, it became a regular occurence. Now, I own more girl's jeans than boy's jeans, enough panties to last me through a full laundry cycle, and a little less than half my outerwear wardrobe is girl's clothing. I don't wear most of them for any special occasion whatsoever; they're just part of my regular wardrobe. It certainly helped me to hear the continual encouragement from my girlfriend. She told me how nicely shaped my waist is and how feminine my ass looks, how sweet and cute I looked when I dressed in younger-looking clothes and how sexy she thought I was in my new tight clothes. Being handy, she made me lots of necklaces and we eventually bought a jewelry box for me.

All the while, we slowly began introducing more and more feminization aspects to our play and sex as well. It varied immensely and was the most role-play-like thing I had done to that point; at times she would speak to me as though I was a young lost girl, at others I would put on my sexiest red nightie and do my best to seduce her. While there was a naturalness to the play that I was not expecting, there was also the feeling of being almost doll-like in the sense that I was not myself anymore. Again, while I am very much a "girly boy," I am still a boy.

Feminization, then, is partly self-expression but also partly being made into my dominant's image. The submissive in me finds it incredibly erotic to be molded in whatever way my Mistress wants. When I am her little girl, even though I am a boy, that is an act of her power and my submission because I am then something she has made me into for her own pleasure. She turns me into her pretty, perfect little girl. And I like feeling perfect.

A few days ago I asked whether or not regular sex was actually regular. Today, on Richard's Fetish Lore discussion forum I was reminded of a time when sex was almost (so close!) to being regular:

The most "vanilla" sex I think I've ever felt was when she was fucking me with her strap on on our bed. No ropes, no chains, no teasing, just sex. Of course, there was an element of power play present, but the experience was also just very indulgent for us both.

I like that word, indulgent, because it rings in my mind as the very essence of what sex is. I think that if there is such a thing as regular sex, both partners would feel as though they are indulging themselves as well as their partner at the same time. In fact, they would be indulging in the body of their partner (or partners).

In many ways, this implies a physicality that is almost more present than in a D/s sexual dynamic because the participants thoughts are (and I'm guessing) geared exclusively on the pleasure of the experience. While this is ultimately the case for a D/s scenario as well, there are many more layers of emotional construction that the experience lies upon in such an emotionally charged context.

It's very difficult if not impossible to have a Dominant/submissive dynamic without some kind of very intense emotion, good or bad. However, I feel (subjectively) as though with "regular sex" it is far easier to engage on a purely physical level. This is how I felt about BDSM scenes before I found the desire to be submissive to my girlfriend. The scene, whether it was a flogging or a whipping or a knife play scene, was always about the physical sensations and never about submitting or the emotional connection I had with another person. In hindsight, it was a lonely experience and that's probably why I craved the conversations about the experience afterwards. That part was the emotional connection.

I loved those scenes and I was, and am to this day, very good friends with many of the people I played with. The notion that the physicality of the scenes were somehow less emotionally heavy did not make them less "good." Nevertheless, there was more to the picture for me, and D/s is the other puzzle piece. Once again, the dichotomy of the experience is absolutely necessary; both body and mind must be engaged to feel fulfilled.

It's just that fulfillment is a complex thing, so it makes sense that so many different people experience it so differently. For some, "regular sex" is the means to their end. For me, and I am no better than others for feeling this way, it just isn't.

Here's a question I have been pondering for a long time: How can a submissive reconcile the desire to be with multiple partners (not necessarily simultaneously, but rather enjoy polyamorous relationships) when they also desire to be owned by one of them. This is a seemingly contradictory statement but it is something that has come up (again) today in a conversation with a close friend.

Too much of the issue is personal to the point that I am unprepared to write about it in detail, but I do want to say that I am really curious about people's opinions, if they have them.

Laura Goodwin (whom I know very little about) wrote an interesting post on how to train a man to be a sex slave (via Femdom Blogs). While there are a few things in this post I don't feel is right for me, here are a few things I do strongly agree with this:

The ultimate object of sex training is to get your slave to the point where they can successfully do you, so you can just relax and enjoy yourself.

[...]

If you know you like penetration then teach him or her how you like that done, and don't let up on them until they get it right. Then praise and reward.

[...]

It's very frustrating for a sex slave to remain untrained. If you are going to be using the person at all, then devote yourself to teaching them right. One of the most rewarding things for a slave is for them to know for certain that they have satisfied you. If your sex slave cares for you, he or she will want to please and satisfy you even without the threat of punishment. You can help him or her to really feel like a slave and love being yours simply by making sure they know all the good techniques for getting you off.

An able slave is a proud and happy slave. It's good for your slave's self-esteem for them to know that they are *capable*.

It took me a relatively long time to figure out that my interest in ensuring my partner's happiness wasn't necessarily such an altruistic goal, but rather that it came out of my slavish desire to be owned and controlled. I craved pleasuring my partner because it made me feel accomplished. That feeling of success is far more pleasuring to me than anything else I can imagine, so a lot of what I cited above strikes deep chords in my psyche.

I still don't know how much of it comes from the desire to be a slave and how much of it comes from other things. I suspect it's sort of a chicken-and-egg scenario, however, because both facets of the emotion feed upon the other and strengthen the whole. It is, perhaps, more comforting to think of myself as more than the sum of my emotions anyway.

Mistress 160 has a lovely description of a scene involving CBT with clamps and pegs and clothespins. What's awesome about the way she desribes the scene is that her descriptions are analogous to a creative act like painting.

While my hand moved up and down his cock I considered my next artistic endeavour, as the canvas in front of me (sol's family jewels) was now blank again

This brought to mind the observation that so many activities in BDSM are likened to these sorts of things. I think it's wonderful, fulfilling and very satisfying. There have been many times when designs of wings, flowers, or abstract curves and shapes have been cut into my flesh (usually on my back or my ass) by my love. She would stand above me and admire her work in very much the same way she was doing so when she was proud of any other accomplishment she had achieved. I loved the feelings of closeness it gave me to offer her my body as the medium of her expression.

While this feeling was coupled with my submissive (and completely "normal" loving) desire to make sure I do whatever I can to enable her to do what she wants, to make her life full of happiness and pleasure, I found that on more than one occasion, she would offer the same for me. The typical vanilla example is a hickey. For us, a hickey is also a mark akin to a bruise from a beating so on the occasions when she encourages me to mark her like that, I feel priviledged and grateful that she's offering her body to me.

Ultimately, I think these makes a lot of sense. Creation is experssion. People very frequently talk about using the body as a means of expression. It fits in many ways that we would choose our bodies as the medium of that creation. It's primal, and a part of who we are as human beings.

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The amazing Ms. Rika, whose insights have earned her an unusual place as someone I am truly admiring recently, posted a long time ago on her forums about the duality necessary for teasing and denial to be effective:

I got to thinking that Tease and Denial is more effective than the sum of its parts. It's not only the length of the tease, or the number of denials. It's the combination of buildup and withdrawl.

You can't be effective with either without the other. If you tell a man he's not going to orgasm tonight, but don't stimulate him (denial only), it's no where nearly as effective as if he is stimulated even though he knows he can't complete. Likewise, if you tease a man and finally allow him to orgasm(tease only), it's not as effective as prohibiting release. It takes very little stimulation and very quick denial to be effective. Sure, a longer buildup and multiple denials will be even more effective, but you don't always have the time - or desire - to be so sub-centric for so long. So you can go for a quicky that's every effective.

Thus her suggestion:

So if you're going to deny him, you may as well put a little stimulation in front of it...a quick fondle, a squeeze or two, or a little fetish play and then, goodnight. Give him quick hope and then take it away...Quick and effective.

I think this is one of those things that is so true it's often overlooked, and so taken for granted that it's hard to notice why it works so well. A while ago, I wrote elsewhere about an experience not unlike one that Ms. Rika describes.

Before going to bed, she and I cuddled over the sheets. Then she started caressing me, very lightly rolling her fingers over my body in every single erogenous part of me except my penis. It made me harder than I'd been all day in mere moments, so she kept it up (figurately and literally, actually--no pun intended). My penis was literally oozing droplets of precum in minutes and had a relatively thick, long "tear trail" of it by the time she finished that had dropped into my pubic hair. It took all I had to keep my hands away from my penis. I literally can not remember a time when I had ever been that…desperate for relief.

[&hellip]

She made an interesting remark while I was trying to relax the first time that went something like this: Looks like the best way to tease you is not to touch you at all! This ellicited a needy groan at the time, but got me thinking that perhaps she may have hit on something very true, but perhaps not entirely correct. It's not really true that the best way to tease me is not to touch me at all. The sublety is that she did, of course, touch me to tease me. However, tonight she did so in a way like never before. She teased me by, well, tantalizing my penis-- starving it of stimulation but not attention--and never actually teasing it directly.

This ironic situation is the one that most turns me on, I think because it showcases the control and puts a spotlight on the D/s dynamic involved in the play. And, well, that's hot.

Recently, several of my favorite BDSM bloggers have chimed in on their mutual frustrations with the state of male chastity devices being sold today. For instance, Ms. Alice writes about her experience trying to get a male chastity device that works. Ms. Claudia echoes the sentiment as well. I have to agree; it is a frustrating state of affairs, that's for sure, that an effective male chastity device is so hard to find. No single device is good for everyone and the state of the art is downright medieval.

Until such a time as a truly effective male chastity device can be created, I think it's necessary that orgasm denial be partly a matter of trust and strength in the relationship. My girlfriend and I have had similar frustrations with devices, but also are very keen on the notion that my denial is by her will alone. Frankly, sometimes it's a lot harder for me that way because even though I desperately want to get release, I don't give it to myself even though I can. The temptation can be maddening sometimes.

That said, there is a place dear to my heart for enforced orgasm denial, to the point where my will truly breaks and I do whatever I can to get relief physically. With the CB-3000 we have now, that fantasy is still just a fantasy because I can achieve a sort of orgasm while still locked inside it, though admittedly not one that is really satisfying at all.

Still, there is no denying the logic that chastity devices are intended (as far as most people are concerned) to effectively hand over 100% of the control to the keyholder. Putting the question of whether a physical device will ever be able to be that effetive aside, the percentage we're looking at now won't get near 100% unless the state of the art improves.

I wonder, then, if perhaps the next generation of chastity devices won't be physical contraptions at all, but rather a drug. Or maybe even a nasal spray? Just imagine the possibilities. ;)

On her blog, YesssMistress wrote a little while ago about how hard it is to have regular sex in a D/s relationship:

I'm wondering how, being new to this world... do you ever have regular sex? I mean, sometimes I miss being tossed on the bed and fucked... though I truly enjoy dominating... Seems that I put on some black leather gloves and he cums in a second, but take a traditional sexual position and neither of us can cum. I don't know that we need to take on traditional sexual positions. I mean, does it really matter? I guess it matters in that there is a part of me that wants to be man handled a little bit.

This is something I noticed ever since I was a young pre-teen boy, when my first awareness of sex and sexuality was coming to light. For me, sex has absolutely always been about power play. Going as far back as I can remember and continuing to this day, I find it extremely difficult to find anything erotic without adding an element of BDSM to it. That element can be just about anything such as toys, ropes, fetish clothing, or even just an expression of pain or fear or control, but there has to be something or I just won't find it hot.

Even when things seem plain and ordinary, such as the image I posted above, my mind creates something to eroticize in the form of power play. In this image, probably due to my submissive tendencies, I don't see only a couple having a loving embrace (although I certainly see that as well), I see a man pleasuring his lover and I see her enjoying, even expecting it, and basking in the delight it brings her. Similarly, when I'm having "good ol' fashioned regular sex," in my mind I'm always doing it, in part, to pleasure my partner, and that part of sex must be forefront in my mind or else the sex itself just isn't fun.

This probably speaks more to just how much of my sexual identity is predicated on the foundations of my kinks than it does about sex or people in general, but the observation is an interesting one nontheless. It makes me wonder how much different (or alike) I am from other people. I will happily admit that I also enjoy bodychecking my girlfriend into our bed and making love to her without any apparent BDSM frills attached. However, even in this "vanilla" headspace I am still wanting to play on her terms, and please her as she would like to be pleased because of my feelings of submissiveness to her.

More interesting than that monotony, however, is the fact that there is also a part of me that wants to be the one being pleased at times. This is a very dominant feeling for me. Further, it's a very sexual one. In fact, most of my dominant urges are very closely intertwined with supremely sexually explicit ones. I'm far less interested in being sadistic to a bottom than having them be my sex toy (although I can easily see where the line will get blurred). This, however, can't be seen as "regular" sex either.

Or can it? Just how much power play is in "regular sex" anyway? I'm willing to bet that there's a lot more than is typically acknowledged. Just look at the flood of dominant and submissive messages in mass media. Calvin Klein adds are famous for their sexually explicit, D/s-y overtones.



Advertising sex is about advertising power exchange. I think I just like the power exchange more than most mainstream audiences do, or at the very least, I'm far more comfortable with it.