REDIRECTED TO MAYBEMAIMED.COM: Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed

It is still fascinating to me how differently I react to pain when it is inflicted on the buttocks versus on the back versus on the face versus some other location. So much focus is often placed on the implement causing this pain but it's always been that the location of the pain has a stronger effect on my headspace.

Years ago, I disliked getting hit on the buttocks but I adored getting hit on the back. (I still adore getting hit on my back.) Facing a wall and being whipped was and still is, for the most part, the epitome of my mental image of strength. In contrast, having my ass hurt used to piss me off. I had never really been slapped in the face.

Over time, I was able to eroticize pain delivered to my ass through canings, spankings, and paddlings. I suspect this mostly has to do with the gentle and overtly sexual introduction of my ass cheeks to my play with Eileen, for which I am now, of course, very grateful. I'd never thought it possible before, but for the first time recently I actually got turned on with a properly rhythmic caning that left bruises for several days. But hitting my back still doesn't turn me on.

There is cultural imagery associated with beating certain parts of the body. The back is where you whip the insolent. The ass is where you paddle the disobediant young. The face is where you hit any kind of victim. Certainly, these associations are not far from my mind when I experience such sensations. I wonder, do other cultures (or individuals) with different associations have different reactions because of that?

While feeling pain on my back or face doesn't translate sexually to me, feeling it on my ass does as long as there's sufficent erotic context. Certainly, the proximity of my ass to my genitals helps this, though I think more to the point is the fact that the ass is a larger erogenous zone to begin with. I suspect this is how it works for people who enjoy CBT. (I've never been much a fan of cruel attentions to my genitals. They seem made for gentler manipulations.)

Safety: Face slapping, is a very detailed article about the physical dangers of face slapping in BDSM play that both submissives and dominants should read and understand before playing with strong face slapping in their scenes. Face slapping can be dangerous. For instance, the article advises:

Of course, if hitting hard enough, you will break the cheekbone (damaging almost inevitably some nerves), or dislodge or break the jaw articulation, which, even when being very strong, is not designed for receiving a lateral impact. For diminishing the possibility of this damage your sub should close forcefully the mouth.

There are a number of other resources on BDSM safety as well, and I think these will be good to keep all in one place, so I'm going to see if I can blog them all under the BDSM safety label over time.

I have only ever done face slapping with my current girlfriend and Mistress because it is a very hot-button issue for me. There's an intensely contextualized component to this activity that can give it so many meanings, both for the person doing the hitting and the one getting hit. Being hit, I can feel any one of defiant, submissive, or abused (in both good and bad ways). Each emotion carries a huge weight and affects the scene.

Face slapping is tricky for me that way because I can't ever seem to predict what reaction I'll have from it, regardless of any prior activity or the context of the scene. So this form of play is very hit-or-miss for me; either the activity will add a lot of pleasure to the experience for both of us, or it will really send me into a negative spiral that I don't really want. That is to say, if I am feeling like I want to be abused but instead I feel defiant when struck, that wrecks my mood pretty harshly and causes all sorts of emotional "static" that I have trouble with during the rest of the scene. Of course, "wrecks" is not always the right word, because the issue is mostly about how this incredibly intense button is pushed, not always what happens because of it.

Hm.... Certainly something to think about more, eh?

One thing I was never able to relate to was the notion of ritualizing this form of play. On Fetish Lore, Ranai writes:

A ritualised form of face slapping:
I sit. He kneels before me. I order him to keep his hands behind his back. I look into his eyes, raise my hand and slap his cheek. Then I present that same hand before him. He bends down and kisses the back of my hand. He straightens up again. I slowly raise my hand and slap him again. I present my hand. He kisses my hand again. I do it with the other hand. And so forth. Doing this a few times in silence can be a powerful thing.

I can certainly relate to the power of this action, and I would also very willingly (perhaps happily? I'm not sure...) do it if commanded to by my Mistress, but this is not something I can see myself wanting to do of my own volition. I have trouble with rituals and tradition to begin with, so maybe that issue plays a large part of my reluctance to do that sort of thing. On the flip side, it is an intensely erotic and arousing thought to be conditioned to enjoy this ritual for some reason, but the kinky desire in that context would be the conditioning and control, not the ritual.

Ranai also provides a contrasting mood:

In a fun mood:
If I have brought my partner to the edge of an orgasm, a deep look into his eyes and a slap or two on his cheek can be the final action that sends him over the edge. That's a great experience for me too.

Now this I can totally get behind, for several reasons. First, it has always been hotter to me to think of single slaps, not consistent or rhythmic slaps. Perhaps it is the spontanaety of the act, or perhaps it is just because I'm not really that big a fan of face slapping to begin with. (Hitting is awesome. Hitting my face is questionable because I don't know why it makes me react so unpredictably.) Either way, there is a strong contextual undertone that I link directly to orgasm control with the idea of being slapped during orgasm, and that is simply that the pleasure of the orgasm is being very cruelly interupted by the dominant. And that, as is not surprising, is really hot for me.

I also react strongly to being touched simply and lightly, caressed on the cheek or the bridge of my nose. There is something extra powerful, especially intimate about the face.

For me, and I have observed for many other people, kink and BDSM is a sexuality all its own. It is not merely arousing in a sexual connotation, but in an emotional one. Kink and BDSM play upon very fundamental aspects of the human psyche that are familiar to all of us, regardless of race, religion, ethnicity, education, or personal experience. Helplessness, selfishness, greed, the lust for power and control, pain and pleasure, are each feelings distinct from the notion of sex. Certainly, they can be sexualized (and often are), but this is not a prerequisite for BDSM play.

Turning these things into sex is merely what makes kink kinky. Without the sexual component, they are still all fun and valid means of self-expression, friendship, and affection. In my experience, in fact, BDSM play of this kind has proven to be one of the most powerful ways to communicate emotion. It touches my psyche in ways mere words will never be able to reach.

For example, I remember a scene early in my relationship with Eileen when I was at her place for the night. We were just beginning to play together, and we were both eager to explore the relationship we were developing to its limits and then beyond. That night, she stripped me down to my boxers and tied my hands behind my back to the chair she had seated me on. Eventually, as she stood before me, she smacked my cheek with her palm. It was one of the first times I had ever been struck on the face and I didn't really know what to make of it.

My ultimate reaction was not sexual arousal, nor a masochistic desire to feel the painful burn of her palm across my cheek again. Instead, it was a flood of cathartic emotions released from the intimacy of the act. Here was a woman whom I did not know exceptionally well by any traditional measurement standing over me, looking intently into my eyes, focusing all her attention on my reactions. And there I was, naked except for my underwear with my hands bound uselessly behind me, exposed and physically vulnerable to her advances.

But the floodgates weren't opened by my physical vulnerability. No, instead, they were openned by my emotional vulnerability. I couldn't help it; I began to cry. As tear after tear rolled down my cheek, she didn't stop hitting me or ease up at all. Her expression didn't waver. She slapped me again and again until I was sobbing quietly.

Later, she told me that she felt it was a wonderful thing to know that wherever she was pushing me into, she could bring me back from--she knew we'd be okay. After she had finished slapping my face, she untied me and helped me lay down on her bed. I curled up into a fetal position and she lay down beside me, spooning me. She hugged me close to her and I flipped around to rest my head on her chest. Then, without a prompt of any kind or vocal prologue, I kissed her gently. With my kiss and without words I was saying, "I will indeed be all right." What amazed me about the experience was that when we spoke about the scene the next day, she conveyed a perfect understanding of my nonverbal communication.

She said that there were at least two distinct moments of very close silent communication, or perhaps understanding is a better word. She told me that she felt as though she knew precisely what I was feeling or trying to say without my having to say it. The first was when I began to cry and that she made the conscious choise to keep hitting me. The second was when I kissed her. She had said, "Thank you," back to me, and I renewed crying at her appreciation of my attempt to soothe her.

While such an experience is not necessarily devoid of sexual feelings, it is not, in itself, inherently sexual. Much of my play and my understanding of BDSM was in fact not directly sexual. Meeting Eileen was a fascinating thing because of how differently we came to the understanding of what BDSM was. For her, it was always directly sexual, and so playing with me in the ways I was used to doing was a little strange for her. Similarly, when she began introducing sexual experiences into play our that involved heavy sadomasochism, pain, fear, and other forms of emotion, I found it difficult to reconcile the seemingly contradictory feelings I was having.

Ultimately, everything we do is about connection and self-expression. To truly connect with someone, we have to express ourselves with utter honesty, and without a connection to someone else we can't express ourselves. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?