REDIRECTED TO MAYBEMAIMED.COM: Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed

A lot of people think BDSM is an all-or-nothing sort of arrangement. Either you are my slave and do everything I ask of you, or you are not and shouldn't be wasting my time. Either I am always, absolutely forever and constantly at your feet and abiding by protocols or whatever, or I am not, and I never play that way. Either you are a pain slut and there's nothing you can't take, or pain's just not your thing and don't ever want to be really hurt.

All of these things are pointedly untrue, though this misconception is popular not only with the mainstream vanilla folks, but with many BDSM players and kinky people as well (which is endlessly frustrating). It certainly offers some explanation of why kink can be so scary for people who don't understand it and who are not at least intrigued by the acitivities. The fact that extended play time such as the extremes described above is actually a common, lustful fantasy offers, I think, a very plausible explanation to why so many people even of the kinky inclination think such a thing is true. And perhaps, though I have reason to doubt some of the claims I have heard, there really are people for whom "24/7" literally means every second of every day.

In the realities of day-to-day life, play time that lasts more than a couple of hours is very, very hard to come by. Beside from the fact that we all have "Real Jobs" and a life to lead outside of the bedroom, it's hard to stay in, for instance, slave headspace when you are constantly surrounded by your personal belongings at home or even at a friend's house. This was not something I ever anticipated being problematic for certain scenes such as longer-term ones, though it is. It's also particularly problematic for other certain kinds of scenes, namely singletail whipping. Again, not something I'd have guessed.

Another point of note regarding the length of a scene is the definition of what precisely a scene is. Two weekends ago, when Eileen and I were at a friend's house for a party (a vanilla party--not all the parties I go to are beat me, whip me affairs) we do as we always do, and I was ordered rather plainly to fetch her drinks from time to time. This was not a dramatic event, but it was not subtle either. It was only after our friend pointed out how strange it must seem for those in attendance who did not already understand our dynamic that we even noticed that it seemed like anything remotely like play at all. Was that a scene? Not for us. It might have been for some of our friends, though.

It's the fact that our dynamic is that way at all that makes it appear as though we do the kind of 24/7 play that you hear people talking about with awed tones, but I think this is actually kind of silly. I don't really consider myself a 24/7 slave with any of the weight people seem to place upon that phrase, I just find the juxtaposition of day-to-day life and servitude enjoyable, both erotically and otherwise. That makes the line between scene spaces and vanilla spaces very, very blurry sometimes, though that is a side effect rather than a direct effect of how Eileen and I interact.

There are, however, certain things we have done expressly for creating play headspaces for longer periods of time. Some of these things are play-specific, and others are again blurry, as above. For instance, a little over a year ago, Eileen bought me a rather heavy locking leather and metal collar. When it goes on me, I know she wants to play. The collar usually stays on a lot longer than the scenes last, and this helps keep some of those slavish emotions around after the beating is through. When we play at night, sometimes she uses the collar and some of our lengths of chain to secure me to the bed for the night to the same effect.

Being leashed or hitched is also a way to actively induce a desired headspace, and is also something that often can last quite a while.

Aside from that collar, I also wear 5 lengths of small jewelry chain all the time. They are placed around my neck, each wrist, and each ankle, and they are have no clasp with which I can remove them (so I don't). They're my "everyday collars". Recently, Eileen's been very turned on by the "harem slave" idea, and so she's added a sixth length of chain around my waist that she calls "utterly decadent."

All this decoration does not leave me unaffected. It's very much like wearing the heavier, locking leather collar, only with a different twist. Rather than being her pain toy, the whipping boy, I'm her cherished posession, and quite often her sex toy. There's something intensely erotically humbling about being equated in some way to a favored vibrator.

If you're tired of this topic, too bad. In fact, blame Calico this time, since she rekindled it. :P

She's been musing over pro-domming again and, as usual, generously shares a lot of her thoughts.

I happen to think my style of sex work is a fantastic deal for all involved, the best bargain (marked down from Invaluable! and Priceless!) there is, but I am biased.

I have to admit that, on a visceral level, the idea of sex being a "fantastic deal" is instantly unappealing to me. If I feel as though I am offering something invaluable, I would feel badly about providing it for a marked-down price at an hourly rate. This has nothing to do with pro-dommes specifically and everything to do with the nature of my interaction with the world, itself something different than what other people experience. I can't fault anyone for their choice of interactions.

Perhaps this is why I am so heartened by Calico's reinforcement of professional domination as sex work. It provides a much simpler to understand reason why I might dislike it so and I am eager to invite a simple explanation to anything this complicated and that causes so much internal conflict.

Lots of things Calico says in this post show me, again, that she really, truly isn't like what I've experienced to be the typical cross-section of Pro Dommes.

I can tell you what it is that I do, as best I know. It might not be dominant, and it might not be smart or correct, but it is certainly sincere.

...

I’ll freely admit that when it comes to power exchange, I play. Submission, domination: I make no pretentions.

...

D/s is not what I do as a “prodomme”. I wouldn’t consider taking on a pay-for-play relationship, period. As a whore of any sort I’m hourly. Sorry, a girl’s gotta have boundaries! The only homework I want is the stuff, like this, that I inflict on myself.
As such I doubt I’m a “proper” prodomme, and I have said as much. Not all my sessions are BDSM — they’re fetish, they’re fantasy facilitation, they’re sex work for crying out loud. I don’t make my foot fetish clients call me Mistress, and I don’t kick anyone in the balls without permission. If they want BDSM they will ask, and I’m happy that plenty do.

I imagine that this is not what you'd expect to hear coming from a proffesional dominatrix. It's certainly not what I heard from dozens of them back when they were a central part of my social circle. It is what they said but it's not what I heard. And isn't that a turn off for anything, feeling in your bones that the situation you find yourself just isn't as authentic, as sincere as you hoped an emotional experience would be? The magnetic repellant of inauthentic interation was so strong I never even got around to paying anyone, though I did have a thought or two about it a long time ago.

Perhaps the expectation of authenticity is too much to ask for a business transaction. One must remember that professional domination is actually a profession, after all.

(As a side note, I know it must be hard being different in a community of those who are different, though I think it's also cause for great celebration, and I hope Calico realizes that, too.)

I won’t stand up and tell you I’m a dominant woman. I haven’t got a line of proof to show you.

...

I like to say that when you see me, as Mistress Alena, you are paying for the time and not the inclination.

This is fair enough, and is the most oft-cited reason why professional domination may not be a disagreeable profession. It's what all my friends (and partners) have said to me when they mentioned the idea (all of them). However, I have to say in response that the fact of the matter is that any job I would have that I would be paid for my time rather than my inclination is not a job I want. In fact, I've quit 2 such jobs in the last year alone. Maybe others feel differently, and I can't begrudge them that if they do nor would I ever impose my world view as theirs, yet I feel this argument strengthened by the ex-pro dommes who concur with just this feeling and who offer just this reasoning as the reason they are no longer doing professional domination.

What does that tell me? That every pro-domme is just on a path towards burnout? No. Many are, and that's unfortunate. Perhaps the nature of the business can change to become more fulfilling. Perhaps it just wasn't for them.

But I know that when I grab a man by the handcuffs and slam him up against the wall, the startled grunt of air he gives is like the sweetest of moans.

A pro domme who enjoys her work? Why not? Good for her! Good for her clients! In fact, if a friend were to come to me tomorrow to ask for advice on seeing a pro domme, the first thing I would tell him or her would be see someone who will enjoy your session just as much as you, and I might very well point them Calico's way. But at that point, they've already made up their mind.

So maybe we're focusing on the wrong topic. What is it about my hypotehtical friend which has brought him or her to the decision to see a dominatrix? What is it about me that has brought me to the decision to not do so? Is it just those early negative (and perhaps formative) experiences? I think not, and I hope not, but maybe it is.

When you beat me, I want you to like doing it. When you hurt me, I want you to want me to hurt. When we play, I want to feel us both acting from instinct, not from expectation. I will simply make no room for spurious things in my sex.

Is a pro-domme session then necessarily mutually exclusive of these traits? I don't know. I guess neither does Calico.

Calico over at Dominatrix Next Door remarks on the influence of money in sex work:

On the way out I picked up $pread magazine’s new issue, which has a whole section about money. Of course it’s about money, I thought, how silly! All jobs are about money. But it’s not actually so straightforward. Quite often we predicate the entire value of sex work on the money and free time. Our critics like to point out the tenuous nature of pay in an effort to discredit the work. Sure, we make money (and thus our work is worthwhile) when young and well and pretty, but what if we’re sick or grow old and fat, which could happen at any time? Sex work can’t possibly hold any merit if it can’t guarantee its one redeeming feature.

One of the problems (I think) I have with the notion of sex work is that it is ultimately a service industry, and there is no real way to reap continuing financial rewards from such a thing. The proven way to make money (and simultaneously not be working) is not to sell a service, but to sell a product. Thus, I feel better about the idea of pornography as a product (videos, sponsorships, physical items) than I do about something essentially ephemeral, such as stripping, professional domination, escort services, or anything of that sort.

I'm not sure if this is any "better" an idea in terms of morality or ethical egalitarianism, but a part of it, at least, rings true with my own experiences.

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Richard over on Femdom Blogs poses a question that has been on my mind for quite a while now. Specifically, have you ever drunk, done drugs, or otherwise been in an altered state as part of a BDSM scene? If so, did the intoxicant enhance or diminish the experience?

Two years ago my answer would have been a sharp, "No! Never!" Nowadays, however, I have to say that yes, I have. Back then, of course, I was also harshly against the notion of intoxicants or medications of any kind. I still don't even take Tylenol when I've got a headache. I never liked the idea of putting things into my body that would somehow change or alter my so-called "normal" reactions to stimuli. No matter that these changes might have been desired (I certainly enjoy a good buzz now and again these days), they were not my reactions, and so I shunned them.

However, this thinking has changed. It now surprises me how unbreachable a wall the BDSM community at large has created around the notion of intoxicants. This is not surprising, however, as there are certainly a great many dangers that such things bring. The mantra of "safe, sane and consensual" is often interpreted to mean that intoxicants of any kind were not involved in a scene, a negotiation, or even a fantasy. But I think this is a decidely restrictive view.

In other subcultures, using artificial substances as part of sex is actually the norm. Is it really just of me to judge that activity as immoral or unethical? After some thinking, I had to say no. An altered state is just that, altered, but that does not necessarily mean it is one with less self-awareness or foreknowledge of the consequences.

Furthermore, I know that for many people, myself included, controlled substances play a significant role in certain fantasies. Putting the all-too-often terrible reality (IMHO caused by a lack of self-control and self-awareness, which is another issue entirely) aside for a moment, it's nothing if not very, very sexy to think of getting drunk and then being taken advantage of.

Looking back on my experiences with just such scenes, a few things have been consistent during what I'd call my "better" scenes:

• I was never so drunk or otherwise incapacitated so as not to be able to respond to my partner, either physically or emotionally. Being passed out is just no fun for anyone, but being buzzed can give us both a nice thrill.


• We never played with anything specifically dangerous while intoxicated, such as knives, needles, or other forms of play that require precise motor control. Obviously, physical safety always comes first.


• While playing, I (the bottom) am always more trashed than she (the top) is. I think this is because being slightly handicapped is what makes the game fun for the bottom while being handicapped is not exactly a benefit for the top. It's easier to subdue someone who's drunk, rather than subdueing someone while drunk.


• If we are playing with such intoxicants, we always give ourselves much more time to recover than otherwise. This means almost all of this sort of play has been done on Friday or Saturday nights, when we didn't have to work the next day. Again, common sense is the best guide.

So did the intoxicants make the scenes better? I don't think I can say yes, because the scenes are so different with intoxicants than without. And half the time, the scene is getting drunk and getting used. Thank god I'm a cheap date.

I gotta say, I'm glad the world has someone like Bitchy Jones, who in her famous irreverent ranting style has sunk her claws deep into the hypocrisy that is the common (mis)perception about cuckolding, but I really wish all this talk of those truly sad and pathetic conversion project guys (who should totally read Tom's comments) and the firestorm around this kink or that's validity would cease.

Frankly, I'm just not intereted in any of it because I am neither the target audience or feel as though there is (much) to learn from these discussions (though I can't say that there is no knowledge ripe for the picking from them). I don't care about what other people are doing wrong because I am far more interested in what I can do right.

And, frankly, I'm way too selfish a human being to fight this fight for the benefit of others. It is truly unfortuante that there are not others out there in greater numbers who are actually self-aware enough to discover the excitement of authentic connection and erotic power exchange, but that is mostly their loss, not mine. Besides, though I don't want to go into specifics, I have done a lot for my community on this front already, and I am still doing steadily more.

Really, though, I just miss the level of introspection I was finding on the blogosphere in much more abundance before this hailstorm of things-gone-wrong came about. And after all, not that it isn't sometimes necessary, but isn't focusing on the things gone wrong counterproductive anyway?

I wrote a little computer program the other month to count how long it's been since my last orgasm, and to keep track of the details of that orgasm. Tonight my program is telling me that it's been 14.113634259259 days, or 338.72722222222 hours since my last orgasm. (It also shows me the number in weeks, minutes, and seconds, but I'm figuring that's kind of superfluous information.) This is kind of remarkable to me because it simulatenously feels like it's been a lot longer and not long at all.

My previous orgasm, that is, the one before the one 14 days ago, was had on the 22^nd of March. It was 34 days between the orgasm in March and the one fourteen days ago, which is my new record. (Yes, in part I am writing this because I feel like bragging a little bit, even though that's nothing compared to what some of you people do, I know.)

For a little while now, Eileen's been saying she's saving me for her. I like this. I'm a big fan of twisting traditional concepts around for the sake of perversions and this is a great example of that. "I'm saving you for me," she would say. The implication is incredibly hot: I'm her's to save for as long as she wants, unreleased until she chooses to have me otherwise. The twist is on the notion of abstinence: it is, in my opinion, utterly stupid to be teaching children that abstinence is the best form of safer sex, so it is fun to hear her take this concept and turn it on its head—sort of.

When she asked over dinner if I had anything planned this weekend, my first thought was that I certainly wouldn't plan stuff now that she's asked. ;)

I've been completely remiss with this blog. I shan't give excuses because, well, what good would that do? Instead, some quality reading material that I've found—or that has found me—recently.

• Bishounen Works is the fantastic web site of P.L. Nunn, renowned yaoi fan fiction author and artist. I've known about her site for, god, ages now and it has long since been a bookmark in my collection 'o naughty sex sites. She's got a ton of fantastic artwork, if you're into that sort of thing (I am).
  
  However, recently Eileen discovered several specific pieces of fiction that have quite literally rocked our world. They are absolutely wonderfully horrific tales of torture and abuse and are certainly not for the faint of heart, but their extreme violence and unabashed eroticism make them true must-reads for anyone who finds the fantasy of non-consensual BDSM (rape, kidnapping, captivity, torture, etc.) arousing.
  
  I don't often feel the need to place such disclaimers around links, but these are very extreme stories. They are also purely fantasy, an important point to keep in mind.
  
  Here's a brief list of some of my favorites so far.
  
  
  
  
  • Bloodraven - a fantasy world where invading Ogres capture and enslave humans finds one such man taken hostage for the sexual amusement of his new Ogre master.
  
  
  • Walking with the Dead - Okay, I haven't actually read it yet but Eileen says it's filled with all sorts of sexy hotness. :)
  
  
  
  
  Reading this kind of intense stuff is sometimes frighteningly sexy. The thought of having my life ripped away from me and being thrust into non-consensual slavery wherein I am abused day and night to the point of exhaustion and near-death almost daily at once fills me with several kinds of lust. I am pretty sure for obvious reasons that the eroticization of such a thing would quickly vanish in the face of being confronted with such a reality, but other emotions would not. The bloodlust, fighting instinct, would be stroång, and it's more than often that feeling, too, that I crave when I want to play with pain really hard….


• Dominatrix Next Door - This extremely intelligent pro-domme's blog is clearly in its early stages, but is already home to some wonderfully insightful posts about sex work, and what that's actually like. In case you missed that, this is a BDSM professional's blog who calls her profession sex work, and that alone should tell you just how observant this young lass is. I've been reading some of her writings for quite a while now and I'm always interested, and sometimes humbled, after reading her perspective on things.


• Behind Kink's Free Documentaries - Of course, I'd be remiss not to mention Kink.com's wonderful new announcement that they have made access to all of the Behind Kink documentary videos absolutely free. This comes right on the heels of Kink.com's recent mention in the New York Times and is exactly the right thing for them to do, and it is the first move towards making the pornography industry something that will really benefit from, instead of being hampered by, the advance of technology and media sharing. If you have yet to watch a few of these, go check them out. It's not always what you think.

I've been found out! More and more of my non-cyber friends, the ones who know me in person, have been finding this blog. And, strange, I haven't even written anything in like, three weeks. (Apologies, by the way, as if I actually owe something to readers. That's another post, though.) Of course, it isn't really that hard to figure out who I am. This seems to be concerning a select few of them, mostly because they are kind and caring individuals who don't want to see me "ruined" or "outed" in a negative way.

So, a couple of points are, I think, due to be made.

First, let's face it, I'm already out and there's nothing I can or really want to change about that. This means that there's too much out there about me for me to go track down and sanitize (as if this sort of thing was dirty to begin with, which I think is a silly notion). I've written a ton of stuff about my sexuality, but so have others. I'm mentioned in at least three main stream media publications that I can think of, though not by full name, so there's just no turning back now. If I'd had any hopes of running for public office, which thankfully I don't, I wouldn't have won anyway.

Second, and more importantly, there's very little power someone can wield over me by exposing me as kinky. See point one for why. The fact that I'm already out about this sort of thing is precisely what prevents this from being a vulnerability. Yes, if certain people found out about my sexual proclivities, I may be in some financial duress, but this is not a major concern for me for at least two reasons. The first is perhaps the more important and it is because I am appropriately discreet. I am careful about keeping my personal life out of my business and this would be the case even if my personal life were not so atypical. (Nevermind the fact that the Internet is proving more and more each day that my personal life is actually pretty darn typical.) The second reason is in part based on this first one and is that I would have a number of questions for the colleague who found this blog and read enough of it to trace it back to me. In fact, that would be a delightful conversation!

A friend and reader pointed out to me rather bluntly that I am not actually interested in true anonymity, but instead only care for a "comfortable layer" of it. This is an astute and accurate observation. None of this would actually hold any meaning if it were really anonymous. It's only powerful because it's really, truly, me, actually authentic.

The truth about anonymity is this: you can't be out and be anonymous. You can't be free while being invisible.