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Tuesday, September 25, 2007

When I'm not feeling submissive

I cycle a lot. (Not a surprise, really, for many reasons, but moving on….) Sometimes I'm all submissive and hurt-me-use-me and sometimes I'm not.

I haven't felt very submissive lately. Not "not submissive" in the sense that now I'm a top or a dominant, not like "oh, see, you're a guy so you're not really submissive anyway." I fucking hate that crap, which is the same thing as "you're a woman so you're really a submissive, at least a little bit."

I feel like anyone, anyone who's expecting me to get down on my knees for them is going to get smacked upside the head. Get me on my knees? Hah. Laughable. Because secretly, you see, I am actually the incredible hulk and when I am irritable or angry—or not feeling submissive—I become the emotional equivalent of a raging juggernaught. Only way you'll see me on my knees is in seven-inch thick steel, because I could break anything thinner and I would actually take a bullet before I voluntarily unlock my knee.

I don't like that I don't really understand why or where this comes from. I probably would enjoy the seven-inch thick steel, but I'm probably too ornery to actually make it a good scene.

Maybe it's been all the tech geekery that's turned me off from the submission for now (temporarily, I assure you; this has happened before). I spend all my time "being productive" and then when I'm feeling this way playing just feels like a waste of time. Like I could be doing something better with my time, as stupid as that sounds.

I am very picky about who and what gets access to my time. My time is very valuable to me. I only have so much of it. I've already used up 23 years of it. I loathe the idea of wasting anything.

I typically don't spend time thinking about things I don't care about. I get angry at people who I need to interact with when they are slow, physically or mentally. Of course, sexual playtime is hardly what most would call a waste of time, but I digress.

Naturally, this is sometimes problematic relationship-wise. Eileen calls it "not being in sync" (or something like that?) which sounds an awful lot like biorhythms, something I'm skeptical about at best. Still, there's no denying the cyclic nature of everything about me, which itself would be a complete summation if I were willing to accept it as such. (I'm not, of course.)

When "not in sync," however, what happens? One of us gets frustrated, in the bad way, about not getting to do what we want. "It's been a long time since you've wanted to get hurt," Eileen tells me a lot. "You used to get all moany when I pulled your hair, now you just say 'ow.'" I had to remind her: "I was all moany at the fact that there was a beautiful and sexy dominant woman paying attention to me. The hair pulling always made me go ow." (Yes, Eileen's attentions were my first that count. Being pissy about that is another rant entirely.)

Relationships cycle just like I do. Or maybe my relationships cycle because I do. Whatever it is, it's pissing me off. But don't try to put me on my knees because I will hurt you.


EthylBenzene said...

Ok, so my first thought was that Juliet was right a couple posts down when she commented that a lot of cyclists are kinky, which rapidly veered into thinking about cycling men and their calf muscles.

Then, I read the rest of the post.

Goodness me, yes. I don't know how long you and Eileen have been together, but of COURSE relationships cycle. Kink IME cycles too. For me it sometimes has to do with hormones -- around my period I get all super-sensitive to everything, including smells, pain, and other stimulus. So sometimes what I want or need at those times is different than other times. But sometimes it's just about what else is going in "IRL."

Your comment about time really struck home with me, because my libido has been kind of down this past week (it's so unusual for me that being down for a WEEK is like a "sound the alarms" kind of situation, 'cause I'm jus' a horndog...), and yeah. I just feel like my very limited time with the boyfriend could be so much better spent talking (jeez, I mean, when was the last time I saw him, yesterday? What's he been up to?!), just more being together, rather than getting it on. Which would not only cut into that time, but will also cut into my limited sleeping time. So yeah. Just not feeling it this week.

Anyway, hang in there, I'm sure you'll pull out of that funk. Hopefully RL will slow down a bit and you can get your mind all sexy once more.

maymay said...

Real life isn't really that busy, actually. I didn't do squat at work today because I just couldn't bring myself to, for instance, and I bet no one noticed at all.

But thanks for the kind words anyways. Those are always very nice.

topfromthetop said...

I second ethylbenzene's notion that kink/relationships cycle.

I know I sometimes have times where I don't feel like domming much. I'll still fantasise about domsex, but I have little inclination to carry it out.

I think dominance and submission are really quite draining, and probably many people wax and wane a bit.

Since you mention you've had an unproductive day at work, maybe you're just going through a general flat period?

lilcollegegirl said...

(Completely OT) Please don't actually hyperextend your knees, or whoever's trying to make you kneel can just wait until you pass out.

maymay said...

"(Completely OT) Please don't actually hyperextend your knees, or whoever's trying to make you kneel can just wait until you pass out."

That was an awesome comment. :)

EthylBenzene said...

"(Completely OT) Please don't actually hyperextend your knees, or whoever's trying to make you kneel can just wait until you pass out."

Indeed, as we learned in marching band..."don't lock your knees!"

May -- well, hang in there anyway, it'll come back. With a vengance, I'm sure :D

Richard said...

Bless you for writing that.

Submissive emotional space isn’t always available. And it can be a drain to be attached to a top who feels it should be there all the time no matter what. I love wanting to drop to my knees. But damn if I can help it if other parts of life – work – or, say, biochemistry, don’t let me. I think I’m missing as much as the top.

Sometimes you just have to get through the day, do the needful things. Having to do what is necessary to pay the mortgage or keep the electricity turned on isn’t sexy. But the consequences of inaction aren’t the least sexy. Or submissive.

maymay said...

"Submissive emotional space isn’t always available. And it can be a drain to be attached to a top who feels it should be there all the time no matter what."

I'm actually in the enviable situation of living with a top who is exceptionally understanding and loving and patient. It's she whom I feel bad for, having to live with me.

Joscelin Verreuil said...

I just gotta say, man, is this incredibly relevant to my current situation (which I will blog about, er, "soon"). One more bit of reassurance coming from one more direction. More and more, I feel like I can make this work.

Oh, BTW, I take a perverse joy in being vague and confusing. I try to scale it back, but sometimes it's just too tempting.

tom allen said...

I cycle a lot.

I used to, but haven't done much in a few years. ButI just got my bike tuned up, 'cos I've been into the fitness thing lately.

What's that?
Oh. You meant...

I, uh, cycle a lot, too, depending on how other things are going in my life. I think it's pretty normal. Sometimes I just have to put all sex, not just the kinky stuff, out of my mind for a while in order to become more focused on things.

Other times Mrs. Edge and I just aren't connecting for some reason - usually family stuff. For the last couple of weeks we're not even going to bed at the same time, which tends to screw with the bonds of intimacy.

Susan said...

Hi May,

I'm just now finding your blog (or at least getting around to reading some of it - that's what a late Friday afternoon at work will do for a girl), and I'm really enjoying it. I'm not sure if you'll see this comment a month after the fact, but I did want to thank you for writing it, and the blog in general. But specifically this post. When I moved in with Jason, I think the biggest adjustment for me was my expectations (of a D/s home life) versus the reality. And the expectations were most off not when it came to US, but when it came to me. It was easy to find a submissive headspace when I visited his apartment once or twice a week. (Even more so with my dominant before him, who I maybe saw twice a year.) But day to day, I found that I couldn't always find that space when he wanted it. Or more importantly, when I wanted it. We would say things like, "we haven't played in a while," but with little passion, just a vague realization.

When people ask me what surprised me most about my life as a submissive or my current lifestyle in general, I always say, "I say 'no' a lot more than I ever would have expected."

- Sue (from TES)

maymay said...

Hey Susan,

Thanks for stopping by and your words of solidarity.

If you want to keep updated with this blog, point your browser over to instead, as that's where I'm keeping things these days.

Thanks again,