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Thursday, June 21, 2007

On Ownership and Sharing

Playing with other people in a sexual way has been a new experience. I'm a gigantic slut in my fantasies, but in reality I've only ever been with about as many people as I can count on one hand. For some reason, while I feel perfectly okay doing "crazy kinky shit" with people I've just met, like letting them beat me with whips, letting them tie me up in very strenuos positions with rope, shackles, handcuffs, and whatever else is lieing about, and more things, I feel far more self-conscious and uncomfortable with the thought of kissing, groping, or fucking people that I don't know very well.

When Eileen and I were talking about our positive weekend experiences with others, one thing that has stuck in my head that she's mentioned is that she said she felt good about the experiences in part because she, "felt like [she] was giving [our friends] a new toy -- you." This struck a chord because that was so much the feeling I got that I was glad she felt it too. In fact, our friends felt similarly!

To make the feeling even more blunt, a week before we had purchased a little gold dog tag at Petco (ahh, one of the many pervertible stores in the city) and placed it on my collar. The collar reads, appropriately enough, "Property of Eileen" and makes a lovely little jingling noise when I shake my head. This thing feeds directly into my human pet fantasies and I've been crushing hard on it ever since we got it. (Note to kinksters on a budget: for God's sake, go visit Petco! Not to mention the fact that this tag really enhances puppy play scenarios!)

I liked feeling as though I were being given to our friends for the night. Eileen went so far as to give them the option of letting me orgasm (or not) once and once only that night. The combination of these things had put me deep into a headspace of feeling owned. The funny thing about it all was that this feeling was around even while spending the night and, wonderfully, it didn't impede or hamper the activities at all. I was still EIleen's, but I was there with our friends. I think this worked so well, at least in part, because they not only understood, but enjoyed the dynamic as well.

This experience makes me want to dig deeper into exploring feelings of ownership and, beyond that, of being shared.


Elizabeth said...

I was just talking about this with a friend of mine, and it's a huge relief to read it from someone else as well. It's so much easier for me to bottom to someone than it is for me to have sex with them. I've bottomed, to extremes in some cases, to uncountable numbers of people (realistically speaking, probably around 30, but I haven't counted. Hence the "uncountable" classification.)
In contrast, despite being a total whore in my fantasy life, I've only had sex with 5, and one of those people might argue about being included :). It just, for me at least, doesn't translate well to reality. Sex is much more stressful than pain.

Richard said...

I'll give poly a try in my next incarnation.

But the feeling of being owned evokes the very strong sense of worship that is one of my deepest rewards from power exchange that it makes my brain feel like it is being crushed (but in a good way of course).

maymay said...

Sex is much more stressful than pain.

That's a very succinct insight, Elizabeth. Thanks for commenting on that. I agree with you on that; my feelings mirror yours. I'm not sure why I feel that way, though, so I guess all this introspection is an attempt at trying to figure that out.

the feeling of being owned evokes the very strong sense of worship

Interestingly, I've always separated the two of these things, Richard. Ownership versus worship--they're very much not the same thing for me, though they are somewhat related. Worship is certainly a lot like ownership with a healthy dose of gratitude.

almost said...

Wow, that first paragraph - I feel very much the same way.