REDIRECTED TO MAYBEMAIMED.COM: Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed

MOVED: This blog can now be found at MaybeMaimed.com

2007-10-02T11:47:00.000-04:00

You certainly saw this coming, didn't you?

Stupid, stupid gay tops are just as bad as other men and women

2007-09-26T19:20:00.000-04:00

I realize this is very old news but I wanted to share this little gem of a message I receieved the other day on the piss-poor web site ALT.com. For fairness (and because it's funnier that way), I'll quote the thing in full without breaks:

Master has attached a copy of his profile.
It may be a little long but if you read it you will understand Master better. Read what Master has to offer and wants.
There are a few question in the profile for you to answer.
Reply show respect.

------ Profile Attached -------

Master owns His bussiness and hom.
Free of all STD's and drugs; as slave must be!
Sane and safe.

Over five years Experience as a true MASTER.

Slave should be 18 to 38; slave should be in good shape and health.

If slave is free of all STD's not just HIV, AIDS but herpes and all STD's then MASTER willing to talk with and plan on relocating; live in, room and board.

Master looking for a slave to care for all slave's needs.

********************READ FUTHER**************************

> Master is free of all STD' as slave must be.
> ARE YOU FREE OF ALL STD's?
> Master will give his slave room and board.
> Master wants a Master slave relationship and more.
> Master has been train to be a Master over eight years.
> Master has been an active Master for five years.
> Master's last slave need to tend to his mother.
> Master want a slave who knows it's place.
> Master know what He wants from his slave.
> Master is safe and sane. Owns his home and businesses.
> Master need to know if slave has any medical needs.
> Master want to know if slave has food slave can not eat.
> Master can help relocate if we get to that point.
> Limits respected

Slave's reply will show respect.

Okay, I could rip into this forever. Respect? No, that's not something you're going to get.

For instance, it's clear to me this person is suffering from some kind of disassociative state since he only seems capable of referring to himself in the third person. Maybe he's spent so much time looking at himself in a mirror he forgot he's not actually two people. I actually have additional evidence to support this hypothesis; along with this articulate writing sample came a cropped photo of a naked man's body obscured only slightly by the camera's own flash. I can thus also deduce that this person doesn't know how to use the timer feature on a digital camera. I'm frankly impressed he can use a keyboard seeing as how he can't even keep his facts about himself straight. (Five years 'experience'? Eight years? Oh fuck it all, why not fifteen years?)

However much fun the ripping into is, this message does actually illustrate what's been said dozens of times before, but is interesting because it's an example of a gay man doing it. I don't think that's something a lot of people realize happens, or if they do realize it happens, don't realize just how similarly pathetic and stupid it is as all the straight women (and straight men!) who do similar things. It's at least illuminating to see the cold, hard copy-and-pasted evidence that this shit goes on regardless of sexual orientation.

A variant on the above example is also the reason why I've never been able to find myself that interested in the gay leather community, rife with its protocols and traditions. Whereas this man is simply pathetic and arrogant (a dangerous combination if you ask me), the gay leather scene that I've encountered is rigid and formalized, with a much more unyielding cultural structure, an expected path. This is especially true for younger men.

It is identical, in my mind, to the completely head-in-ass thought process that leads "normal" people to think that school, then college, then a job, then marriage, then kids, and then a house is going to bring them happiness and fulfillment regardless of personal feelings. In the gay leather scene, this path is often being a bottom, usually some daddy's boy, getting trained or "molded," thereby learning to serve, then eventually growing up and becoming a daddy by one's self. (Yes, I do realize this is a narrow view of the gay leather scene, but I'm not talking about the scene at large. I'm talking about the one I've experienced directly.)

In all of these things are expectations; expectations like these make me angry. Jaw-clenchingly, fist-poundingly, I-want-you-to-try-to-hit-me-as-hard-as-you-can angry. They do not make me feel submissive. Anger, I think, completely destroys submission because submission, by its very nature in a relationship context, is voluntary.

I get angry whenever I feel as though I'm being saddled with expectations that I interpret as matching any of these very touchy chords—touchy because I've always had long-standing battles with authority figures since I was 6 or so. It's not only a kink thing. I still don't speak to my mother very often because our relationship has been on rocky footing since she all but forced me to attend a religious school I despised. I've seen her once in maybe the last half year, and she lives not three blocks away from me. (Perhaps this is a shame; there are things about her, like her staunch persistence, that I admire.)

But tell me to do something without apparent reciprocal gain or respect, expect it of me, and you'll only strengthen my resolve to fight back or give me impetus to "rebel." (What an immature word; damn useless thesaurus.)

This is not actually at odds with my sexually submissive tendencies at all, by the way. My sexually submissive tendencies are self-serving, self-centered, and selfish, as are yours, and they're healthy that way.

Also, in case someone's thinking it (because I know someone is), non-consensual fantasies and fetishes are not a waiver of liability to disregard a partner or place your own expectations on them. So fuck non-con bull shit. I love non-con stuff, but if you think that submission or even so-called "slavery" (and certainly that crap about 24/7 "Total Power Exchange" in whatever form it shows up) is non-voluntary then you're headed towards a disaster. Voluntary means free of coercion, duress, or undue inducement, which is not the same thing as consent (which merely means, in English, to say okay).

When I'm not feeling submissive

2007-09-25T14:52:00.000-04:00

I cycle a lot. (Not a surprise, really, for many reasons, but moving on….) Sometimes I'm all submissive and hurt-me-use-me and sometimes I'm not.

I haven't felt very submissive lately. Not "not submissive" in the sense that now I'm a top or a dominant, not like "oh, see, you're a guy so you're not really submissive anyway." I fucking hate that crap, which is the same thing as "you're a woman so you're really a submissive, at least a little bit."

I feel like anyone, anyone who's expecting me to get down on my knees for them is going to get smacked upside the head. Get me on my knees? Hah. Laughable. Because secretly, you see, I am actually the incredible hulk and when I am irritable or angry—or not feeling submissive—I become the emotional equivalent of a raging juggernaught. Only way you'll see me on my knees is in seven-inch thick steel, because I could break anything thinner and I would actually take a bullet before I voluntarily unlock my knee.

I don't like that I don't really understand why or where this comes from. I probably would enjoy the seven-inch thick steel, but I'm probably too ornery to actually make it a good scene.

Maybe it's been all the tech geekery that's turned me off from the submission for now (temporarily, I assure you; this has happened before). I spend all my time "being productive" and then when I'm feeling this way playing just feels like a waste of time. Like I could be doing something better with my time, as stupid as that sounds.

I am very picky about who and what gets access to my time. My time is very valuable to me. I only have so much of it. I've already used up 23 years of it. I loathe the idea of wasting anything.

I typically don't spend time thinking about things I don't care about. I get angry at people who I need to interact with when they are slow, physically or mentally. Of course, sexual playtime is hardly what most would call a waste of time, but I digress.

Naturally, this is sometimes problematic relationship-wise. Eileen calls it "not being in sync" (or something like that?) which sounds an awful lot like biorhythms, something I'm skeptical about at best. Still, there's no denying the cyclic nature of everything about me, which itself would be a complete summation if I were willing to accept it as such. (I'm not, of course.)

When "not in sync," however, what happens? One of us gets frustrated, in the bad way, about not getting to do what we want. "It's been a long time since you've wanted to get hurt," Eileen tells me a lot. "You used to get all moany when I pulled your hair, now you just say 'ow.'" I had to remind her: "I was all moany at the fact that there was a beautiful and sexy dominant woman paying attention to me. The hair pulling always made me go ow." (Yes, Eileen's attentions were my first that count. Being pissy about that is another rant entirely.)

Relationships cycle just like I do. Or maybe my relationships cycle because I do. Whatever it is, it's pissing me off. But don't try to put me on my knees because I will hurt you.

Orgasm Logger source code available

2007-09-23T03:43:00.000-04:00

I realize I've gone missing in action with regards to this blog. I have proper excuses, don't you worry, but instead of sharing those boring tidbits of my life with you I thought I'd instead share this rousing development: the source code to Orgasm Logger is now publicly and freely accessible.

I've set up a Trac installation to manage the project, and the svn source code repository is freely available, too. To get at it, simply do a plain ol'

svn checkout svn://maymay.homeunix.net/orgasmlogger

with your favorite Subversion client. Just be nice and don't laugh at my horrendous lack of coding skillz. :)

More information is (or will soon be) available on the the Orgasm Logger project homepage. Anonymous users are welcome to submit bug reports, feature requests, or patches. Naturally, I'll still do my best to make sure the site is up and running and is (ploddingly) improved.

In completely other news, happy Celebrate Bisexuality Day!

Hardware rearrangements cause Orgasm Logger to come down

2007-09-14T02:10:00.000-04:00

While switching up my computer set up, something along the way has caused a problem with my web server, causing it and Orgasm Logger to come down. Unfortunately, I'm not able to remedy the situation right now and tomorrow is a work day, which means I'll have to put this on hold for a while. So, unfortunately, I have to announce that Orgasm Logger is down and expected to remain that way for the immediate near future. Hopefully this issue will be resolved come the weekend.

Advance apologies if this causes any inconveniences for anyone using the site.

Update: So it turns out that the problem with the web server was, unfortunately, a catastrophic hard drive failure. Literally, it was working one moment and on the next reboot I could hear the platters spinning around loosely inside the drive. Thankfully, I have a very recent backup from September 11^th that I'll restore to working order as soon as I'm done with everything else. (This means if you've recorded an orgasm or made an account after September 11^th, you may need to re-enter your data. I'm sorry about that.)

To make a longish story short, I've taken the opportunity to completely rearrange my hardware set up here, consolidating a number of different machines together and upgrading the server from which I was first serving the Orgasm Logger site. It'll also make my life at home a lot easier, which I'm looking forward to.

The site is still down, though now the dedicated server is nearly ready. I hope to have the site back up before the work week starts, but this may have to wait just a few days longer. I do appreciate everyone's patience.

Update: Orgasm Logger is back up and running, restored from a backup made on September 11^th. If you find that some of your information is missing, you may have to re-enter it. Again, I'm sorry about that. Otherwise, if you notice any problems, please don't hesitate to email me about them. Thanks for your patience.

How not to fuck up a D/s relationship

2007-09-13T18:42:00.000-04:00

Tech geekery in both my professional and personal life has kept me away from this blog for a short while, but it was relationship angst that initiated the suspension of my time here. I got upset with Eileen for one reason or another (it doesn't really matter for this entry).

When you're in a relationship—any relationship—it can be hard to express being upset. When you're in a relationship that's specifically structured around power imbalances and the notion that things are unfair, it's that much harder to express being upset. Being actually angry doesn't always even present itself as an option.

Something somewhat astonishing to me is the fact that a lot of people who are enticed by the "things are unfair" idea seem to think this kind of emotional repression is actually the way such relationships are supposed to work, and that there's nothing wrong with that. Some people even use phrases like "Master/slave relationship" or "protocols" or other intelligent-sounding words to codify this behavior into a full-fledged system or "lifestyle."

Ultimately, this is not actually so hard to understand. Like so many other things, this behavior is an example of people structuring their relationships around their fantasies instead of structuring their fantasies around their relationships. The trap is in a particularly persistent blind spot most people have: their sexual desires.

Kink in Exile articulates one manifestation of this so clearly that I simply have to quote her:

I have seen more than one d/s relationship that seemed to be founded on at least one of the partner’s fear of being an adult and having to make decisions. Explain to me again how you willingly give power to your master or mistress if you don’t have that power to begin with? Submitting has to come from a place of power and control over your life, otherwise what’s the point? Otherwise you are not handing control of your life or even your evening over to your dominant, you are seeking out a caretaker.

Of course, doing anything like this is what we tech geeks call a Bad Thing. When people do this, they consistently fail to identify distinctions between different components of their relationship to one another and in doing so they often fail to address even the most basic of relationship concerns. In other words, a slave in a "Master/slave relationship" is still a person in a relationship first, and a slave second.

There's this concept of layers, or more technically a stack, that is fundamental to the construction of many things in our world today. The basic idea is that one layer builds upon the things it receives from the layer beneath it and provides things to build upon to the layer above it. In this way, a robust and reliable system can be developed—and maintained—by segmenting different pieces of the system.

I think that a D/s relationship could benefit from a construction similar to this. It's the way I think about my relationship with Eileen. I am at once her friend, her lover, her boyfriend, and her slave. Indeed, I am her slave because I am her boyfriend, and I am her boyfriend because I am her lover, and I am her lover because I am her friend.

Our relationship developed in a decidedly organic way; right place, right time, right person. I'd been playing for long before I met her, and I'd been looking for submission in a number of venues. When I didn't find fertile ground, I thought maybe submission wasn't for me. That's why I was a self-described bottom and not "a submissive." Of course, I'm submissive now to Eileen but this is because submission is the top (or last) layer that rests upon quite a few other things.

It turns out that, at least for me, any meaningful submission requires a foundation of both friendship and sexual attraction. Only once these things are established does the opportunity for submission seem to be present.

Being aware of this construction helps in many ways. One of the first questions I ask myself these days when confronting some kind of emotional obstacle (or novelty) is: "In which layer does this interaction belong?"

For instance, it's clear that asking for her permission before I allow myself the pleasure of an orgasm is an interaction that belongs in the D/s dynamic we've engaged in. Thus, it's a higher-layer interaction, and it relies on the well-being of lower layers. Contrastingly, cleaning the bathtub because it's dirty and we don't want our drain to clog is probably something that belongs in the friendship layer; I'd do that for any roommate, not just one that sexually dominates me. As Tom puts it, doing nice things for each other is one of the lubricants of a good relationship.

For the first time in over a year, I asked Eileen for a break from orgasm denial that weekend when I was feeling upset. I had already accidentally had two orgasms, felt terrible about them, and was in an emotional state in which I couldn't deal with maintaining that explicit D/s dynamic because the boyfriend dynamic was having trouble. Of course, this was an extreme case, but it serves as a useful illustrative example of this concept in action.

This entire concept is, of course, a drastic simplification of emotional interactions. Obviously, I clean the tub sometimes because I am submissive, and I'll ask for an orgasm because I'm Eileen's lover and my own sexual gratification is served by the asking. The difference between theory and practice, is, of course, that in theory practice is the same as theory whereas in practice they are different.

That said, the point still stands. When there are problems, you need to address them at the layer or with an approach that actually confronts the issue, instead of sidestepping it. That's what Eileen and I do when we have issues to work out. She never pulls the "but I'm your Mistress" card when we're not dealing with an issue that's a part of the D/s layer. It would be harmful to do so.

Sex is nice and porn is good for your society

2007-09-07T23:49:00.000-04:00

Due to personal reasons, I've decided to drop off the radar a little bit this past week. Instead of sex, I brought you Mario.

Tonight, however briefly, it's back to the sex.

Lest you think this is merely a pulp post, let me make my point explicitly (pun intended).

No matter how hard some people want to stop sex, it just doesn't work. Hypocrisy, oppression, and repression is always a losing play.

Sex crosses every boundary you can imagine.

You can't stop the signal.

(Some links via Gloria Brame.)

And now for something completely different

2007-09-03T12:28:00.000-04:00

Speaking of culture, even though I rarely do this, now for something completely different:

Sex and Technology: How technological innovation pushes the boundaries of human sexuality and vice versa

2007-09-01T22:02:00.000-04:00

Back in June, I began writing down some of my thoughts regarding how technological advancements, particularly telecommunications technologies, have changed the way people relate to sex and sexuality. I've been thinking about this sort of thing for a very long time, but what finally solidified it in writing was the deadline of August 25^th, the day I was scheduled to do a one-hour long presentation on the topic for The Floating World.

Thankfully, despite weeks of worry, I managed to get way more than enough material to fill an hour and gave what I think was a rather engaging talk. The feedback was positive and quite a few people seemed to get a lot of new ideas out of my presentation. That was my goal; I wanted to get people thinking.

Finally, after a week of procrastinating, I've managed to re-work a fair portion of my notes into a sort of white paper on the subject and post them online. While far from what I would consider complete (there's not even an ending, for instance), it's certainly dense enough to post and share with the rest of you.

If you were at my presentation last weekend, a lot of this is going to be the same (there is little new material). However, if you weren't able to attend and want to know what the hell my presentation was all about, check this out.

I'd love to hear feedback on the content or suggestions for improvements. At the moment, the thing is pretty much a copy-and-paste affair from my haphazard, plain-text writing style, so please forgive the lack of hyperlinks and whatnot for the time being. When I have more motivation (and less emotional haze, as I do right now) I'll see if I can go back through it and clean things up.

In the mean time, enjoy my white paper on Sex and Technology: How technological innovation pushes the boundaries of human sexuality and vice versa.

Also, if you're really interested in this sort of thing and are lucky enough to be able to work out the logistics, you may enjoy learning about Arse Elektronika, a three-day conference hosted by Kink, Inc. all about technological innovation in the pornography industry. If you do go, please tell me about it, you lucky bastard.

Flying, the kinky sex orgasm, and the lack thereof

2007-08-31T15:54:00.000-04:00

People often draw analogies between things in kink sex and vanilla sex. They do this sometimes out of necessity and sometimes out of a desire to avoid the overhead of defining every term they use, but mostly they do it (as I'm about to do) because it's something they've heard done before.

I've never "flown" in a scene. That is to say, I've never "checked out" or "seen my body from outside itself" or "felt like the pain was sexually pleasurable," or many of the other things lots of people who do what I do and claim similar labels as I claim have often told me about their experiences. Typically, they call this experience flying, and I've usually heard it discussed as though it was the BDSM version of an orgasm.

Well, if flying is the BDSM version of an orgasm and scenes are the BDSM version of sex, then I've never come.

Of course we all know that different people play differently and for different reasons and different goals and it's all good no matter who you are or what you're into or whatever, but whenever this subject gets brought up it makes me feel a little anorgasmic in regards to kinky things.

A part of me is always wondering if I'm just too technically-minded, too focused on comparing experiences with descriptions that I've missed the boat already in the same way vanilla people sometimes seem to me to be so concerned with orgasms and ejaculations that even when they experience them they sometimes didn't know that they had. And then part of me says to myself that it must be practically impossible not to notice something like an orgasm ("oh, you'll know!"), so a kinky scene orgasm should be similarly impossible not to notice, and since I've never noticed one I've probably never had one.

A lot of people talk about flying by talking about how pain, when experienced at a certain intensity, rhythm, and circumstance, makes the rest of their existence kind of fade out and brings into focus only the lovely sensations of the moment. I can understand that very viscerally; one of the reasons I love BDSM (and kinky sex, and sensual experiences in general) is because they help me get out of my head and into my body, for lack of a better description at the moment.

However, these same people tell me that the pain is sexually exciting. That's not something I can relate to. Friends have told me stories about whippings and beatings that have left them wet or hard and rutting in place, making their very thought processes change somewhat dramatically. I wonder what that sort of an experience would be like. It honestly doesn't really make a lot of sense to me, because as I've said before, pain doesn't turn me on.

As a perfect and somewhat humorous example, take a very sexy takedown scene that happened recently. Having been pulled away from Eileen for purposes completely unbeknownst to me at the time, I got worried about her when a friend said they had ended their scene because Eileen seemed "a little ADD at the end." Strange, I thought, Eileen only gets that way when something is wrong. I should go check on her.

I quickly turned around and started walking back toward her when several more friends appeared and stopped me. No, hang on, I told them, I need to check on Eileen and make sure she's okay. Then, when they pulled a hood over my face and quickly grabbed me by my limbs, you want to know what my first thought was? It was:

Oh, this is a takedown. Eileen's probably fine.

This was no surprise to Eileen, who later remarked, I knew your brain would keep working. It did. My second thought was, "In takedowns, the victim gets to struggle. I'd enjoy doing that!" So of course I struggled as much as I could while staying (as) careful (as I could) not to inadvertently kick the wrong person in the genitals.

This illustrates a very typical experience that I have when I play: I'm very often completely conscious of what's going on and very aware of the reality of a situation. When Eileen and I play with knives, I'm not scared that she'll purposefully cut my throat, or gouge my eye out, I'm scared that she'll do it accidentally. (The risk is what's appealing.) When she whips me, I'm often adjusting my position and I'm motivated to do so by the conscious awareness that my back is no longer straight after that last stroke and that it should be made straight again, or that the sound of the whip and the feel of the air it pushed toward me means the whip is approximately four inches in that direction so I should turn appropriately.

Really, and I'd hate to destroy people's illusions of my kinky sex if they have any, but I'm actually extremely unsexy in my head when I play. Rational thought processes are not really that sexy no matter how you try to dress them up. Everything sexy is entirely about emotion.

Getting beaten with a nightstick is just that; a stick and a body. It's all very mechanical and not very hot. However, with some feeling in there, like being forced to the ground and invited to violently show the emotional aspects of aggression by fighting back, then physically losing and giving in to overwhelming force, now that's sexy.

It's very, very hard to get me out of my head. The only two things that have ever succeeded in doing so have been intense pain and intense pleasure (not necessarily orgasmic pleasure), and even these things don't manage to do it for very long stretches at a time. The way lots of people describe flying, it seems as though they experience some kind of emotional or spiritual climax too abstract for words. This is all wonderful, but is far too abstract for me.

I don't deal very well with abstracts. I'm a rather technical person, obviously, so I like things that make sense and which are grounded in rational thought. When people try to explain things to me that they say are based on "auras" or "energies," I usually just smile and nod. I have no problem with these things, most recently evidenced by a sudden interest in my social group with tantric practices, but I'd prefer to keep a critical eye pinned consistently in that direction.

So when I think about flying, in all the experiences I've had the one that comes closest to it has been getting suspended in rope bondage. Because that's when I was in the air, swinging around, and that's what flying means to me.

What almost everybody else doesn't get about bisexuality

2007-08-30T13:10:00.000-04:00

When I was a child in elementary school, a friend turned to me and said one day, "Hey, what color is that crayon?"

"Blue," I said.

"What does it look like to you?" he pressed.

"Um. It looks blue," I said.

"What if it looks green to somebody else?"

Hmm. Now here was an interesting thought I had not previously pondered. How would I describe what this blue crayon looks like to someone to whom this crayon looked green. I first thought that I could use the word "green" to describe "blue" but quickly realized that method of color-swapping would fall apart when I needed to explain what green looked like to me. (Would I call it blue? We'd be back in square one, only with the terms reversed—even if it "worked" to avoid a situation wherein I was handed a green crayon when I wanted a blue one, the colors would still look "reversed" to the other person.)

This elementary thought experiment is not just relevant to recess periods in schools. It's something everyone grows up trying to figure out and is an example of the budding awareness in children that different people think about things in different ways.

The exposure to this thought started me thinking about how to use words to convey meaning. Eventually, after this question had been percolating on the back burner of my mind for literally years, I came to an ever-evolving (for lack of a better word, pun intended) conclusion that the only way to convey meaning perfectly and be assured that my meaning had been understood perfectly—that is, understood in exactly the way it was intended—was only possible through some kind of Vulcan-esque mind-meld telepathy communication mechanism that I'm probably never going to get the chance to experience in real life. That's a pity, really, because the fact of the matter is that verbal communication is a pretty pathetic substitute for mind-melds.

The problem of trying to figure out whether or not someone really understood you is very hard to solve. In computing, guaranteed-delivery protocols like TCP have built-in methods for acknowledging the receipt and integrity of a message (TCP uses flow control algorithms and checksums for this). That is to say that when the sender transmits a message, it waits for an acknowledgment from the receiver that says it has been saved correctly. (Technically, this is still not guaranteed to be perfect but it is extremely reliable.)

However, human communications are not always so simply verified. There is no checksum I can calculate for my message, for instance. People do often use similar protocols to that which computers use for the purpose of acknowledging receipt of a message. Sharing a telephone number is a pretty good example: "My number is 555-5555. Did you get that?" "Yeah, you said 555-5555, right?" "Yes, that's right." "Great." See how much back-and-forth there is? That's all a (social) verification protocol.

However, the more abstract or emotional the payload of your message gets, the greater the uncertainty of successful verification becomes. Little wonder couples fight about "not being understood" over and over and over again. Communication isn't just a matter of transmitting a message, it's about receiving (and believing) an acknowledgment that states the message was understood as it was intended. That's quite a tall order, especially when you consider how difficult it is to express your own emotions accurately in the first place. (It is for me, anyway.)

So what can you do to help mitigate this situation? I strive for precision. I say what I mean (transmission) using the most accurate words (payload) that are most likely to reproduce the originally intended meaning (checksum) in the listener (receiver). Yes; precision such as this is actually a learned skill.

But there's still a problem here. What if the person I'm talking to thinks of green when I say blue? (Even this is not so abstract a question when you consider I am partially colorblind in reality.) Clearly, we have a miscommunication. That fact might not even make itself evident immediately, but it probably will at one point or another if we keep interacting.

More to the point, what if they think of binary gender ideals when I say I'm bisexual? (After all, that's what my blog's tagline labels me as—a submissive and bisexual man. More people read that tagline than have read this far into this particular entry.) Do I use another word, such as pansexual, to try and get readers thinking about gender fluidity and try to steer them away from making an assumption about gender that I think isn't true?

I've chosen not to do that for this simple reason: when I say I'm bisexual, I'm not talking about gender fluidity, I'm talking about my own sexual orientation.

The claim that the word bisexual implies two binary genders isn't one that is actually a part of the word's literal definition (though it has become so engrained in today's understanding of the word that you'll find this assumption even in most dictionaries). People will tell me that "bi" means two and therefore bisexual means "one of two sexes" (like bicycle, literally "two wheels") but this definition still assumes that the "bi" in bisexual is talking about two singular points—man and woman.

Instead, possibly because I never liked riding bicycles and while still a child I was diagnosed as bipolar (a medical condition that causes one's emotional state to swing wildly between euphoria and depression), I have always understood the word bisexual to refer to the range between two points, and not just two points, and, even more to the point not just a range of gender identity but of sexual identity and gender role and a whole lot of other things, too.

Gender theorists such as the estimable Kate Bornstein talk a lot about the existence of many different axes of various qualities that, together, make up a person's gender identity. However, at their fundamental level, these axes all have this in common: they are a range between two points. That's what the "bi" in bisexual means to me.

That's the only thing that makes any logical sense for the "bi" to refer to that doesn't also have some kind of assumption concocted from cultural subtext. After all, sexuality is generally accepted even in the mainstream to refer to psychological, spiritual, physiological, social, and emotional makeup of an individual.

That's why I don't like the word pansexual, by the way. I don't think it's quite as precise.

That doesn't mean it's wrong to use the word pansexual to describe oneself or to use it for the purpose of raising awareness of issues relating to gender identity (in fact, I encourage raising awareness of gender identity issues in whatever way people want, as long as they're nice to each other about it). It does mean, however, that using the term pansexual (like its near-synonyms polysexual and omnisexual and a slew of others) validate its use for a more ambiguous meaning. It makes the term obtuse. I don't like that.

Overloading terminology in that way causes problems for people who wish to be precise in their use of English to maintain accurate communications.

It is not my fault that people are ignorant of gender fluidity, even though it is occasionally problematic for me that they are. However, I don't see why I should have to dull my communication tools (the English language in this case) in order to accomodate their ignorance. Instead, would it not be more mutually beneficial to simply educate these people about the gradations of gender identity that exist? And would it not be more effective to do this by specifically discussing gender fluidity rather than overloading a perfectly acceptable term used to describe a perfectly legitimate sexual orientation (namely, pansexual) for this secondary purpose?

Is this love of precision too idealistic to work? In a casual sense, yeah, probably; I consistently have to define the words I use to remind people to take me with utter literal understanding, for the most part. (Even the word literal, by the way, has its etymological roots in scripture—in literature and writing.) But then again, I've found that this works exceedingly well once people learn that what I say is what I mean and what I mean is all that I've said.

It also makes people aware of just how much subtext they assume is present in their communications with other people after they start seeing how often and to what extent they have added it to conversations with me. Communicating with subtext is all fine and well (really), but it is dangerous to do so without intending to or without an awareness of what part of the message was subtext and what part was not.

The kink culture of fear

2007-08-28T18:08:00.000-04:00

Where do I start? Do I begin with the retelling of the stories from years now long past, or with this weekend? It's hard to tell what would be more effective. This weekend, while filled with spectacularly virginal experiences for most people in the realms of play, pain, pleasure, and of course sex, was actually somewhat old news to me. After all, unlike for most of my friends, this was not my first BDSM convention.

So what was new for me? Some play was new, like participating in a friend's gangbang fisting along with seven other people, getting suspended in rope bondage by two switches, and getting jumped by I don't even know how many people for a "forced" sex scene. Those things were new for me, but after the fact I am finding that my mind is reflecting on quite another element of this past weekend that is new to me.

For the first time in my life and the first time in all the (more than five) years I've spent in the public BDSM community, I felt that other people who are not necessarily friends actually respect me for more than just my pain tolerance, that they began to actually see some things about me that don't have to do with how hard I like to be hit.

As a person who primarily bottoms, I've often felt that people in general only listen to me when I talk about what it's like to get hurt. It's as if, in their minds, all I am is a punching bag. For some reason, it's hard for people—even other bottoms—to see bottoms as anything else.

The awful phrase "take it like a man" rings loudly in my ears whenever I see this because more than anything else I see it cause self-doubt in men who bottom, and makes them afraid they won't be able to "take enough pain." I will instantly confess that I, too, once felt and sometimes still feel this pressure. I think this is stupid.

Mind you, I have little trouble playing the part of a punching bag. In fact, I rather like it, I think I'm very good at it, and wish I had more opportunities for it sometimes. But after more than five years of interacting with people at large, being a punching bag is a very unsatisfying, frustrating social existence. It's made even worse by the fact that I'm a rather picky punching bag to begin with—I don't let just anyone hit me. You have to earn it first.

On the first night of the three-day weekend, as a kind of appetizer scene, I got whipped 'til I bled and that night the white hotel sheets were speckled red. Shortly after the whipping scene was over, Anita Velez, the official event photographer, asked if she had permission to take a photo of my back (I said yes). After that, Eileen and I found her again and asked her for a photograph of our own.

On the second night, after I fisted my friend along with seven other people, I got suspended in a rope bondage scene, and then after that I got jumped by I don't even know how many people who all beat my arms, ass, thighs, and chest 'til they were bruised using a rubber nightstick, an acrylic cane, and some other heavy objects I couldn't identify due to the spandex hood they put over my head. They pushed an NJoy wand into my ass and then made me go down on some of them while beating my already-whipped back with what I'm pretty sure was a rubber tire tread flogger. (I had felt that particular rubber flogger before.)

On the third night I got bound in a hog-tie with my hands behind my back and my legs kept bent with thick leather belts. Once secured, I was again beaten on my back and ass, this time with what I could identify as a (probably deerskin) flogger, a flat paddle-like object (but it was small, so I'm guessing a kitchen implement), and a heavy rubber taws, among other things. The rubber taws hurt the most, especially when it struck my already-bruised ass.

So like I said, I rather enjoy playing the part of a capable punching bag.

Of course, I got the usual, "Wow, great job," awed comments from all sorts of people who had seen us play (and who I didn't even know were watching the scenes). I also eventually overheard from second-hand accounts that others had more negative remarks, such as things like "That's wrong; you should never crack a whip on someone's back." (Fuck that, whoever you are, by the way. I'll play the way I want, thank you very much.)

Of course, this wasn't really the hardest Eileen and I have ever played with a single-tail. I even have another picture of more marks taken some time ago, for example. I have been beaten much worse before, like the week before that previous photo was taken; Eileen gave me my first caning which an inch-wide acrylic artist's cylinder, which resulted in purple and yellow bruises that lasted well over a week and a half. Another time, my friend who made the tire-tread flogger brought over a wooden table leg and bruised my thighs so badly that they swelled to the point where I could no longer fit into my jeans.

Nevertheless, people were still impressed by the intensity of my play this weekend and they still expressed their respect in the form of an appreciation for my personal preferences for pain. Misguided as I think this expression is, I did (and still do) enjoy the recognition.

This kind of misplaced respect happens to me all the time. It's happened many times in the past, when "heavy" single-tail scenes have earned me the respect of someone who prior to witnessing it didn't seem to think very much about me.

In 2003 I was a fixture of the New York BDSM scene among the ranks of TES members, quickly earning a reputation as the quiet, shy boy in the corner who watched but never played. Reminiscent of all my school years, most people treated me with an uninterested attitude evidenced by their neglect to acknowledge my words or my presence. Later that year at TES-Fest I had my first single-tail scene that ended with band-aids and a giddy if somewhat worried pair of tops who relished in retelling the story of how the waifish, quiet boy took the hardest whipping either of them had ever given. I'll admit to being very surprised at my own enjoyment and what I interpreted back then as "stamina" and now simply call my usual preference. All of a sudden people were coming up to me and remarking on how impressed they were with me.

The lesson was clear: to get noticed, play extremely hard.

Even though I was certainly getting noticed a lot more, I hardly felt respected. Perhaps that seems strange to many people because playing that way is exactly how a lot of people who bottom, such as myself, earn respect in the scene. (We would all also be wise to remember Richard's words when he reminds us that the scene is actually representative of a tiny minority of kinky people and we are, for the most part, the public exception to the normal kinky person.)

We play "hard." We can "take more." We have a "higher pain tolerance." We can "handle it." Tops respect us because we can challenge them, bottoms respect us because they'd consider themselves broken by things we consider warm ups. People think we deserve respect because of the way we play, because they are scared of how we play. And they're completely wrong.

Bottoms who don't play as hard as I do feel bad about it; they feel frightened and inadequate. What a horrible shame that is. Tops who don't want to rip open flesh or turn skin rainbow colors or emotionally batter a bottom until they sob and beg also feel bad about not wanting to do these things. Again, what a horrible shame that is.

Respect should not be accorded based on someone's preferred physical intensity of play, and yet every time I play that way in public I get at least someone coming up to me and saying, in an often dejected tone of voice, "I could never do that." I try to tell them that they don't have to, that it's silly to think they should try if they don't want to. As Eileen said cleverly before me,

And then let's talk about the fuckupery of according respect to a scene member based upon the intensity of their play. What kind of logic is that? That's like saying that you respect The Rolling Stones more than The Beatles because The Rolling Stones are louder. Respect isn't about what people do in the scene; it's about how they do it. I have young friends who have been in the scene just as long as me, who don't get the respect I do because they don't have the balancing factor of being intense players as a weapon to carve out a place for themselves. God help you if you're perfectly content with a light spanking now and then. The patrionizing smiles will probably drown you.

(Emphasis added.)

In other words, I'm not more worthy of respect than any other bottom because I have a higher pain tolerance than they do. If you respect me for that reason, I feel invisible. I'm worthy of respect because I have impeccable judgement, a razor-sharp mind, incredible intellect, a generous attitude, a commitment to my scene partner as well as myself, and because I respect these same things in others. If you respect me for that reason, I feel seen.

So this weekend I didn't feel respected when I was asked "How much were you really struggling in that take down scene?" I didn't feel respected by the people who thought I was on the Power Bottoming panel because I like to limp for days after I play. I definitely didn't feel respected by all the people who stopped me in the hallways and told me what an intense scene they saw me do (though, again, I did appreciate the kind words and enjoyed the obvious admiration and surprise—I don't look like someone who likes to scream until my throat is hoarse, but I do).

On the other hand, I did feel respected when a fellow attendee approached me and asked for my opinions regarding TES's web site (and others) because he had heard people mention my name in conversation about the topic. Likewise, I also felt respected when people came up to me privately after some of my presentations and told me that they thought I had made good points, that I articulated myself well, and that I exposed them to something new and provoked some new thought or insight inside of them.

Thanks to the transman who told Eileen and I that we had finally articulated his primary kink in our Sexual Teasing and Denial presentation. Thanks to the young woman who taught me the word cyberbalkanization in my Sex and Technology presentation. Thanks to the people who congratulated me on my bravery and willingness to get naked on the first night in front of more than thirty clothed people during the demo for the G and P Spot Stimulation presentation.

In other words, thanks for seeing underneath all the cuts and bruises and welts. Thanks for rejecting the rhetoric that to be worth a damn as a bottom you need to have a pain tolerance that rivals a super hero's. That's the kind of thing that makes most men think they need to be stoic and "strong" when they are in pain, which is stupid because the last thing a sadist wants to see when they're hurting someone is a lack of painful reaction (duh).

The people who did this with sadness and envy in their voices made me the most upset at the BDSM community's constant self-aggrandizement through what amounts to nothing more than fear mongering. The people who I think should be the most ashamed of this are the ones who call themselves teachers, who present so-called "classes" in thinly-veiled attempts to advertise themselves as "intense players" in order to earn what they think is credibility and respect, like the one Switch encountered and wrote about in her post.

Those people are spreading a culture of fear through BDSM that is damaging to people's self-esteem (both bottom's and top's), to the BDSM community's image in mass media, and—most importantly—to their own partners. Playing at a certain physical intensity is simply one very mechanical aspect of what makes a scene work. It is natural that players with more physically intense tastes would be drawn to one another. There should be no reason to fear that you're "not playing hard enough."

It's just a matter of BDSM chemistry. No one's going to put you down for liking blondes over brunettes. Don't let people put you down for liking, or not liking, a certain kind of play.

A moment

2007-08-27T00:35:00.000-04:00

This image has been removed. The new photo is still available at the current mirror blog site.

Orgasm Logger is down but I'm in Jersey

2007-08-25T09:53:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately, for some reason, Orgasm Logger has been brought down due to network connectivity issues. This means your counters will have stopped showing up and the Orgasm Logger web site is unavailable. This is remarkably bad timing (is a network outage ever good timing?) because I am off at The Floating World in New Jersey so I can't even begin to troubleshoot this issue until I get back to my home base in Manhattan late Sunday night.

If this is purely a network outage and the fault of my ISP, then Orgasm Logger may be back up at any moment. If something else is going on, then I'm going to troubleshoot it ASAP and get it fixed as soon as I can. Sorry about the nuisance may have caused anyone; unfortunately I don't have the funding for any kind of more reliable equipment or service at the moment.

On completely unrelated notes, The Floating World is going pretty well. Susan Wright's presentation on media strategies for BDSM was absolutely fantastic; she's an amazing speaker, extremely well-organized, and made tons of great points.

She impressed us so much that both Eileen and I are considering taking her media spokesperson training program to learn more about how to deal with BDSM in the media. Unfortunately, her class was scheduled opposite the fucking machines class, but frankly I think it was totally worth it.

The only downside to her whole presentation, if you could call it that, was that since Susan's also incredibly hot, and since she was wearing biker boots, a short black mini skirt, and a sheer top, there were times I had a lot of trouble concentrating on what she was saying.

After all the classes, Eileen and I had a lot of pent-up energy, so we played with our single-tail whip in the dungeon. This morning, I awoke to find the sheets on my half of the bed bloodied, but that's hardly a surprise. The best part for all of you, however, is that we got our pictures taken. Yes, the picture is of my bloodied back.

Orgasm Logger is back up. As suspected, the issues turned out to be related to the network outage, either by my own equipment or the ISP's. All fixed now.

Also, the weekend at Floating World was an amazing blast and I suppose I should write about it at some point, but not when I'm half asleep and having trouble sitting down on a sorely beaten ass comfortably.

Kink on Tap 7: Tom Allen

2007-08-23T00:43:00.000-04:00

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This Kink on Tap is kind of an extended addendum to our previous episode where we talk about and introduce the topic of sexual teasing and denial and chastity play. If you haven't listened to that episode already, I strongly urge you to do so.

The best part, however, is that Tom Allen from the Edge of Vanilla joined Eileen and I to talk about his personal experiences. Of course, the advantage of having someone on the phone is that you can ask personal qusetions and get immediate, personal responses.

There's no shortage of that in this converastion, where Tom shares a lot about his own reasons for enjoying chastity, the way in which this kind of sexual power play developed in the relationship with his (very blessed) wife, and of course why this kink in particular is often thought of as being very "vanilla." I couldn't help but share some of my own opinions and experiences as well, and Eileen does the same.

Lest you think that Tom's always this cerebral, however, don't forget about his super-hot chastity porn. My own fantasies tend to drift towards slightly more painful tastes, but that doesn't stop me from being the first to admit that I've sprung more than my fair share of hard-ons looking at Tom's stuff.

As always, I hope you enjoy this episode of Kink on Tap and invite your feedback of any kind (though especially regarding audio engineering) either as comments here or by emailing kinkontap+feedback@gmail.com. Have something you want to hear talked about or a story you want to share? Write to me at kinkontap+viewermail@gmail.com (and don't question why it's called viewer mail, 'cuz I wouldn't know what to tell you).

Kink on Tap 6: Sexual Teasing and Denial

2007-08-22T17:43:00.000-04:00

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In lieu of the fast-approaching Floating World convention, rather than do a Kink on Tap roundtable as I'm (trying) to do regularly, I thought this time I'd share some of the fun around for those of you unlucky enough not to be able to attend. SaraEileen and I are doing several presentations at the event, one of which is all about chastity play, orgasm control, and sexual teasing and denial.

We got the chance to go through much of our old notes on the topic (we've done similar presentations elsewhere before), update a few things, add some bits here and there, and thought we'd share a large part of the presentation with you in podcast form. So, if you're not going to be able to make Floating World, you'll at least still get the majority of the experience of at least this one class of our's.

I hope you enjoy the episode and, as usual, feel free to write me about it by emailing kinkontap+feedback@gmail.com.

Here are the list of resources and links I had compiled. By no means is this complete. And of course, Google is your friend.

Erotic sexual denial - Wikipedia

Chastity-UK - A British web site on the topic of chastity play that includes articles, user-submitted content, galleries, several very helpful FAQs geared to introducing and employing chastity in the context of relationships (of every sort), and more.

Lady-Jester - A site dedicated to contributions from wearers of the CB-2000, CB-3000, The Curve, and other male chastity devices and their female keyholders.

OrgasmDenial.com - A large web portal dedicated to orgasm denial, obviously, and filled mostly with submissive men and dominant women.

Chas' Sweet Chastity - Dedicated to female chastity under male dominance and also to male-to-female transvestitism while incorporating male chastity devices. This web site is also home to the infamous (and fictional) “Chasti-Permalock Corporation,” a webiverse of chastity stories about devices implemented with nanotechnology.

Chastity Yahoo Group - A huge and always growing collection of individuals who discuss various topics related to chastity and teasing and denial.

Prostate Information and Milking

Altarboy's Chastity Belt Web Site — has a section devoted to erotica, and a subsection within that devoted to female wearer/female keyholder stories, as discussed in the podcast.

Tantalism — this is an all inclusive community, though most participants discuss female denial.

I want to be a pretty boy

2007-08-21T14:58:00.000-04:00

I've never been a manly man. When I was younger, I watched quite a bit of television. I remember lots of the imagery I was presented with quite vividly. In almost every case, I wanted to be the girls. Growing up, I quickly learned that wanting to be more like the girls was a desire frowned upon by pretty much everybody else—not least of all, by the girls.

These days, the same things still come up in daily conversation as they did in years past. "I wish I could lose ten more pounds—I don't feel pretty," I hear women say all the time. In response, everyone simultaneously begins talking about the oppressive nature of our culture's media campaigns. "Oh, come on. You don't have to look like every model in the magazines. You're smart, you're kind; of course you're hot," they'll say to her in an effort to comfort and sympathize.

Most of the time, I think women's self-image issues are physically, though not emotionally, unfounded. All but one of my girlfriends were, to use the obvious example, heavier than the BMI charts would have them feel comfortable about. My femdom fantasies have always been tilted toward larger girls. Hula dancers were an ironic motif, but I attribute this mostly to the healthier, more attractive weight Hawaiian girls tend to carry. I'll never understand the fetish for stick-figure girls. That can be sexy but I think women are sexier if they're shapely.

Issues men may have with their body image, however, are almost never even recognized. If they are, they discuss how unmanly boys feel and offer ways to feel more manly. Nothing we see in our culture tells boys that it's okay to want to feel pretty, to want to be treated in ways similar to the way we see people treating girls. If a boy, like me, wanted that, they call him a sissy and expect him to want to feel bad about it. I find this fact, an association often cited between cross-dressing and humiliation, nothing less than repulsive.

Furthermore, every time I've ever hinted at having body image issues of any kind at all, a very strange thing happens. Rather than address these issues, people turn to my girlfriend and give her a once-over. Then, they turn back to me. "How can you think of yourself as not attractive?" They ask, puzzled. "Your girlfriend is so hot."

Granted, my girlfriend is hot. But what, pray tell, does that have to do with my own self-image? You've just told me that my own self-image should be measured by how hot my girlfriend is. Call me crazy, but my girlfriend's attractiveness should not be the scale by which I measure my own.

Is that what you'd say to a fat girl, by the way? Oh, you're totally sexy because your boyfriend is super skinny. What kind of logic is that? It's not only completely missing the point, it doesn't make her feel better. In fact, it often makes her feel worse. And that's exactly what doing that does to me: it makes me feel worse.

Why is it a taboo to discuss men on the basis of their looks? Even in romance novels, where the gallant and obligatorily handsome man plays center stage, most descriptions about his looks center on his other attributes. His strong muscles. His virile penis. His healthy hair. It's not about the way he looks, it's about what he can offer in every other realm; wealth, health, or power. Even here, men's sexual attractiveness is being judged on everything except their looks. This is crazy.

To top it off, even the pretty men, who were called the derogatory term "twinks" in gay slang for quite a while, are usually portrayed in as decidedly not delicate a manner as possible; sweating profusely, working out, doing some manly chore, or otherwise being rough and tumble. The message? Be ruggedly handsome, sure, but don't be pretty.

By this culture's dogma, being pretty is a woman's job. Women are the ones who are "supposed to" do the attracting; men are supposed to be attracted. But this is insulting, and unfair. Wanting to feel pretty often goes hand-in-hand with wanting to be pursued. The emotions are the same: love me, I'm precious. But being pursued is the woman's job, as if they are the only ones allowed to feel as though they are precious and worthy of loving attentions.

This whole fucked-up mess does a lot of things for men. It makes us get paid more at work. It makes it easier for us to attract people into old age (where, I'm sorry, looks are just not going to follow). It makes it harder to objectify us in ways we don't want. And, unfortunately, it makes it a lot harder for us to talk about body image issues—especially if you're like me and you don't even want to have the traditional Vin-Diesel-the-body-builder look and instead want to look like the lithe, nubile, pretty young things you only see cast in the gender role of supreme femininity.

Well, I have a confession to make. I like dressing up as a girl because, in part, it makes me feel pretty. It does this because putting on frilly panties is the only time I feel the culture in which I live is telling me that I might actually get away with being pretty.

This confession, low and behold, is not uncommon. Men who want to feel pretty end up wanting to emulate women because we have no other choice. Why can men, secure in their masculinity, not also be pretty? Even the dictionary is stupendously unhelpful here. Defining "pretty" results in this definition from Princeton's web dictionary:

pleasing by delicacy or grace; not imposing; "pretty girl"; "pretty song"; "pretty room"

(Emphasis added by yours truly.)

I have been called graceful. I have also been called delicate. I've been called pleasing a bunch more times than these other two things combined.

People I don't know ask me if I dye my hair when they look at its color in the sun (I don't). They ask me if I've ever played the piano when they notice the way my fingers curl around cups as I drink (I haven't). They have remarked on how carefully I treat all my belongings, and how thoughtful I am when I am hosting a guest. But they have never called me pretty.

It may surprise some of you to hear this, but Eileen is actually the first person I have known that has called me pretty. She is fond of my ass and these days I might call it one of the prettiest parts of me, but it was not always this way.

One night many years ago, well before I even consciously thought about why I kept wanting to feel pretty, I was lounging with my then-girlfriend in the bedroom I shared with my brother. I remember only a single sentence from the conversation we had that night. It was this sentence that my girlfriend said to me that cued six years of body image issues centered around my butt: "I would like it if your ass was firmer."

What did firmer mean, anyway? It meant that I should have more of a boy's body. I didn't have a muscular gluteus maximus; I didn't have the body of a strong, rugged, self-respecting man. But you know what, I didn't want that body, either. And that should've been okay.

Addendum: For those interested in a bit more academic self-education (the best kind, if you ask me), I would highly suggest reading the Wikipedia articles on sissyphobia and effeminacy, for a start.

A particular passage of interest is cited below, and serves as a wonderful example of the fact that cultural ideals change with time. My message in this post, if you are to take one from it that I did not actually intend when I started, would be to stay aware of this constantly changing cultural stereotype—in all cultures and in all situations—and to avoid letting cultural noncompliance result in prejudiced or oppressive actions of any kind.

Pre-Stonewall "closet" culture accepted homosexuality as effeminate behaviour, and thus emphasized camp, drag, and swish including an interest in fashion (Henry, 1955; West, 1977) and decorating (Fischer 1972; White 1980; Henry 1955, 304). Masculine gay men did exist but were marginalised (Warren 1972, 1974; Helmer 1963) and formed their own communities, such as leather and Western (Goldstein, 1975), and/or donned working class outfits (Fischer, 1972) such as sailor uniforms (Cory and LeRoy, 1963). (Levine, 1998, p.21-23, 56)

Post-Stonewall, "clone culture" became dominant and effeminacy is now marginalised. One indicator of this is a definite preference shown in personal ads for masculine-behaving men (Bailey et al 1997).

My personal experiences written above are likely the result of my interaction with New York City's leather subculture, as that community is my primary social outlet (for now).

What every big sexuality community web site does wrong

2007-08-17T17:41:00.000-04:00

It's time for a brief interlude during all my ranting on porn. Let's get back to some of this practical stuff.

This time, because I can, I want to talk about what every big sexuality community web site does wrong and what they can do to fix it. Because, frankly, alternative sexuality organization web sites suck my big fat web developer's dick. (There is plenty, though not an overwhelming amount, of geek-speak ahead. If you want to flame me about that, don't say I didn't warn you.)

Before I rip into these web sites though, let me first acknowledge the incredible hard work that I'm sure mountains of volunteers must put into these things. No one is making money off these sites and, as such, it's understandably a lot harder to spend the time doing things well. The fact that this stuff is even up online in the first place is really a credit to a lot of people's passions and commitment. Three cheers for all of you! (Seriously.)

Okay, now that you know all of this is just a good-natured jab to try and make things better, let's get into the meaty parts where I totally rip your web site to shreds and tell you how badly you're stuck in the last century.

In the true style of proper web copy (more), here is my conclusion first:

Most BDSM organizations' web sites utterly fail in their mission to attract people to their events because they are intimidating, hard to use, and decidedly uninformative.

And, the natural fix for this problem:

Make BDSM organization web sites friendlier, easier to navigate, and immediately useful.

You can stop reading now if you don't actually care about this stuff, but if you do, are at all curious, or—and especially—if you manage one of the web sites I'm talking about, please keep reading. You'll thank me when you're done.

The Design Problem or Don't Scare Away the Newbies, you idiots!

TES's web site serves as a wonderful example of this first point, that BDSM organization web sites are stupidly intimidating. Why? Here's why: when the average kink-curious person is searching for BDSM web sites and they see TES's sad design, here's what they're thinking:

It's an inverted white-on-dark design so clearly what they are doing must not be normal or okay. (This person is already probably surfing the TES site under the cloak of darkness in their computer room hoping their spouse or their parents won't walk in on them. Why are you making it seem like that's the normal way to get information about kinky sex from you?)

It uses lots of colors intended to signify scary things, like deep red and lots of black and mettalic colors, so they must be really dangerous people. (Do you know how much courage it has taken this person to even consider going to a kink event? Why are you making them feel like their fear is justifiable?)

They have really tiny text for things I'm interested in (like all the main event descriptions) and really big text and graphics for the things I'm not (like their own logo and big welcome banners), so maybe they're not actually the group for me. (Don't you get that this person has come to your web site for information about how to be kinky in their own lives? Don't focus on the welcome message, which nobody cares about, focus on the reason they're coming to your site in the first place!)

This is classicly fucked-up design and is unfortunately all too common. The net result is that these types of designs make people feel anxious and afraid and turn site visitors away from the rest of your content pages. Don't do that.

Contrast this general design sense with, for example, the Polyamorous-NYC web site. While it has other problems, design is not one of them (for the most part).

Whereas TES has lots of light-on-black, some horrendous yellow color, and lots of big red headlines and a logo that looks like the blade to a guillotuine, Poly NYC has several pinks, a neutral beige, some blues, and white along with a picture of three people smiling and holding hands on the home page.

Which site feels more welcoming to you? If you were a hot and sexy 18-year-old looking to explore alternative sexualities, which group would you feel safer checking out first, based solely on the web site's design?

I think BDSM people really like to brag about how incredibly intense and perverse they are. After all, we kink hard on danger but this is no excuse for confusing your fantasy with your real-life goals, you morons, so stop that shit right the fuck now, okay?

In fairness, TES is not the only group that suffers from this design problem. Dom Sub Friends, the Lesbian Sex Mafia, and to a lesser extent Gay Male S/M Activists do as well. But TES is by far the worst. Sex stores have the same problem. Contrast something like Purple Passion's web site with, for instance JT's Stockroom. The difference is night and day, literally.

The Usability Problem or Stop Making It So Hard To Browse Your Site, asshat!

This is big, so let's start somewhere that's got a big database. DSF is often cited as having a great database of links. But in reality, it's not great, it's just massive.

Granted, massive can be a facet of usefulness. After all, eBay is fucking massive. You can find just about anything you can kink with on eBay. (Or Amazon, by the way.) However, the distinguishing factor between eBay's database and DSF's database is findability, not size.

To an untrained eye (by which I mean, evidently, by DSF's web site administrator's eyes), findability just means "use a search engine." (DSF doesn't use a search engine on all their resources pages, just some of them, by the way.) This, unfortunately, is totally missing the boat.

Why you need to think about what you're doing or Obviously you're too busy jacking off at the computer

First of all, how do you think search engines work? They work by analyzing structured data to produce information that is ultimately relevant to the user's needs. Do you think all that data just structured itself? No, someone had to structure it, someone had to think about how to present it, and someone had to think about how to do all of that in a way that meets the user's goals.

Taking this out of the theoretical and back to the practical, let's take a closer look at DSF's resource pages. First thing you notice is that they have a "BDSM Resources" page on which there is an incredibly strange, unnatural distinction between "Organizations and Forums" and the rest of their "BDSM Resources". Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't you consider organizations and forums to be BDSM resources on a BDSM resource page? Why the separation? What's the point?

It's pretty common knowledge that only the most persistent users will click through a web site to find what they're looking for. Most users will click on one or two links and if they haven't found what they're looking for, they'll go back to their search engine of choice and try all over again. Then lather, rinse, repeat. As a web developer, every decision you make impacts your users, so you damn well have a good reason for doing something. If you don't, you're doing it wrong.

Of course, this problem is much easier to tackle when the volume of information you have isn't as large. Look at NYBOL's web site to see the complete opposite spectrum of the very same poor architectural problems. What is that? An entry for the "let's see who can make an entire web site on a single web page" contest? They don't even have a lot of information and they have given absolutely no thought to how their content should be structured.

There are two primary navigational modes users are accustomed to on the web. These are search and browse. Listen closely because I'm only going to say this a hundred billion times: users search when they are answering a question or trying to solve a problem. Users browse in order to learn about a problem or to gather information. When you think about how to structure the content on your web site, you need to think about how users will interact with this content in those two modes of navigation.

As an example of a web site that does this relatively well (and which took me a grand total of maybe three or four hours to implement, literally), take a look at the way Conversio Virium organizes its content.

Main navigational tabs provide hierarchical structure to the content of the web site. The constitution is in the about CV section, the presenter guidelines are in the meetings and events section, and information about specific leadership positions are in the membership section. Makes sense, right? (Admittedly, it's not always so clear moving forwad, but hindsight is always 20/20.)

The single search bar in a prominent position at the top of every page searches all the content on the site. (Being objective, I will also note that the serch results page for CV does need a lot of work. I did only put about three hours into the implementation of this site, you recall.)

Content is organized according to strict guidelines using categories and an events calendar, allowing faceted navigation so that users can either search or browse the site and end up at the same content by following a variety of paths.

Finally, the content itself cross-links to other relevant contents. Posts link to other posts. Events link to previous posts. News items link to events. Static pages link to each other. The more links you have, the easier it is to find what you're looking for.

These days, this sort of thing is actually pretty easy to do at least decently well. Simply knowing how to make good use of a content management system helps a lot. TES uses Mambo, but they failed to provide the kind of faceted navigation of their site that CV provides for their's, and so their CMS isn't as useful to them.

I could get all technical here and start talking about why these sites should be getting rid of their URL cruft, why they are browser-hostile (fucking overuse of frames and JavaScript), and a dozen other topics, but you'd all be bored and obviously no one is reading this anyway. So, hoping that we've got this point down, I'll just move on.

Make Yourself Useful or Stop Trying to Top Your Users, you freakin' sex addicts!

If all of that isn't enough already, let's talk about one last point. (I promise this'll be the last point I make and that you can all go back to jacking off at your own brilliance soon, as I too will do.) Usefulness. This is the most important point out of all three of my points today, so if you're scanning this post and want to read just one point, I hope it's this one.

You need to make your web site useful, or no one will use it. Well, duh, but what does that entail? Here's the process, broken down into really simple steps:

Find out what your members want to do.

Make it possible for them to do that thing they want using a web site.

I swear, that's all there is to it. Let me give you some examples.

The BDSM calendar that no one uses

Almost every single site I linked to above has some form of events calendar. TES and DSF both have so-called "dynamic" calendars. GMSMA, LSM, and Poly-NYC, among others, have so-called "static" calendars, which are really nothing more than unchanging pages that have some information about their next event. The problem with all of these calendars is that they are either totally useless or not-as-useful as they could be for the following reasons:

You can only view them on the page they're published on. If I am interested in DSF meetings and GMSMA meetings, then I have to make my own page or my own calendar that combines both of these group's information.

You can't safely link directly to events because the location they are published on eventually changes (such as when being archived). If I want to link to an LSM event, I can't, because the event itself isn't a permanent fixture anywhere. Instead, I have to link to their events page and hope that my site users find the event on the page, if it's still there.

Moving data out of this calendar into any kind of actually useful form is nearly impossible. Copy-and-paste is a waste of everyone's time (computers were invented in order to obviate the need for humans to perform repetitive tasks).

The group with the absolute worst calendar scheme has to be OneTaste NY (and why is a fucking MySpace profile the thing that comes up on Google when I search for that phrase, by the way?), which—despite having a relatively decent calendar on their web site, actually—chooses to email me a massive hunk of HTML vomit every few weeks with their entire calendar for the month stuffed into it. Yuck! Why don't you promote your web site calendar instead and offer an iCalander subscription feed or something like what CV does? You have the technology! You can rebuild it!

The only people who use these calendars are either devoted members of the club already, in which case you could probably force them to jump through rings of fire and they'd still do it just to get a look at the calendar, or are the people creating the calendar, in which case why do you even need a calendar since you already know what's going on when? Answer: you don't. You just suck at web development, is all.

(As an aside, there are a number of email-only subscription newsletters dealing with alternative lifestlye events. These aren't really web sites so I didn't say anything about them, but a word to the wise: please stop writing out these emails as though they are really long love letters. If you're going to put out a newsletter in plain text as an event listing, for god's sake, use some kind of convention to indicate the thing is actually a list, okay?)

A final note: all your print calendars need to have your web site's calendar address on them, and you do actually have to change your web site calendar once in a while to keep it up to date. What's the point of a calendar with the wrong information on it? Sheesh.

Anyway, moving on….

Other Web Sites Are Your Friends or The point of a link is to link you to something, dimwit!

The mentality of "stay at my site longer" is sooooo 1995. I'm serious, there's nothing you can do to prevent web site users from going to another web site. Just give up the whole idea that your one site will ever be the be-all and end-all of information about any topic in the world right now, because if you don't you'll never be able to make a good web site for as long as you live.

Instead, actively embrace the idea that the more outbound links you have that go to good places the better your site will be. Why is this so? Because users like being linked to good, interesting information. They appreciate a useful service, whether that be in event information, educational material, or whatever else you can offer them. The way to do this is with links. So for fuck's sake, link liberally!

In the BDSM community world, this means you need to link to other group's web sites! Why is it that the only community web site I know about that links to other organizations on every page is Conversio Virium? (May, you made the CV web site. Oh, right, thanks. I forgot.) Seriously, why the fuck does TES not link to DSF? Or to LSM? Or to GMSMA? Or to MaST? Why does GMSMA not link back to TES?

Why are all you arrogant fucktards so concerned with recruiting members instead of actually being the useful, educational, supportive organization you so proudly claim to be? None of you are actually doing what you so nobly claim to do, and it's about time you got off your high horses and started actually doing it. And you know what, the best tool you have to do that with is your web site. So come on, GET ON IT!

And by golly, I didn't even get into the really fun bits like implementation and search engine optimizations. I mean, seriously, why is CV's site the number one hit on Google right now for the search query "floating world bdsm"? That should be embarassing.

That was the end, but here is an outtake for humor's sake

Let's start with none other than The Eulenspiegel Society, the self-proclaimed oldest and largest BDSM education and support organization in the United States. Smack-dab on the top of the home page, TES proclaims their web site to be, and I quote, the official TES® web site. As if there are hordes of unofficial TES web sites out there on the Internet. They even italicize the word "official" to make it stand out more, to remind us that we are actually at the center of the BDSM universe. Please, get over yourselves, TES web site committee members. Neither you nor your organization (and especially not your web site) is that impressive.

While we're on the topic of italicizing things, by the way, take a look at how they've italicized it. Do you know what this code is called?

<P ALIGN=Center> <FONT SIZE=+3>Welcome to the <I>Official </I>TES</FONT><FONT size="6"><B><SUP>®</SUP></B></FONT><FONT SIZE=+3> 
        Web Site.</FONT>

No? It's called HTML vomit, that's what it's called. font elements have been deprecated since HTML 4.01, which became a W3C recommendation on the 24^th of December, in 1999. Did you hear that? Nineteen-ninety-fucking-nine. What the hell are font tags still doing on your home page? Has it not been updated since 1999?

To be fair, this exact problem plagues pretty much every web site built by people who don't actually know how to work with the Web, which includes the vast majority of every so-called self-proclaimed "web designer" out there, which is also, coincidentally, apparently pretty much every tech-savvy kinky person in existence.

Morale of the story? Get someone who knows what they're doing. And yes, they will either be very generous or they will charge you through the nose—and yes, you're gonna like it.

More men need to cry on the big porn screen

2007-08-15T00:04:00.000-04:00

The other day during dinner while hanging out with friends, of course, pornography gets brought up. (I'm sure the waitresses love us. Or hate us. Or love to hate us. (That's called foreshadowing, by the way. (And this is called Lisp.)))

Now, porn gets brought up all the time in conversations with my general social circle. This might be because some of them are sex workers, others are sex bloggers, and still others are BDSM equipment vendors, the latter of whom don't blog much. But unlike the usual discussion, this time I observed a much more interesting exchange about porn. I thought I'd share it with you.

The professor (who has made guest appearances elsewhere) started talking about this one porn web site in particular that's selling a very humiliation-specific brand of hardcore sex. It's all about degrading women while fucking them. It's unfortunate that I'll never be able to do his description justice because smiles that wide just can't be communicated through words.

Suffice it to say, however, that all the women start out with delicately applied make up and by the end of the video the tears spilling from their eyes have turned their faces tie-dye colored, their throats are horse as they shout through ragged gasps about how dirty they are, and the guys are demanding they open up and get ready for another dick.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the bigger the shock value, the bigger the payday. (Lack of link because, come on. Tons of porn sites do this, not just this one. Do you really need a link?)

To my knowledge, I don't think this has anything explicitly related to so-called formal BDSM (you know, whips and chains and stuff, the "serious" stuff) but come on, you can't deny that's fucking kinky sex.

Now, here's the interesting part that came from the conversation. After the table was left momentarily silenced from the description of such (hopefully consensual and totally hot) humiliating sexual abuse, Eileen said, See, I'd have no problem with any of that at all if there were sites where I could see women doing that to men.

“Well, there's like, Men In Pain—”, our professor friend started to say.

“Ohhhh no,” Eileen and I both started simultaneously. “Men In Pain is largely about excruciatingly typical pro-domme talk. Oh, and handjobs. Lots, and lots of handjobs.”

Are we wrong? Is there porn out there that objectifies men in an equivalent fashion to the way the industry of objectification of women (and very much including dominant women, by the way) called mainstream pornography is doing? I'll admit to not actually having a subscription to Men In Pain. (I've never paid for porn in my life, unless you count buying Eileen dinner and hoping she'll tie me to a spreader bar and stuff large things in my butt and then beat on me for it but I don't think that's comparable.) However, the massive amount of free video clips (soo NSFW) that Kink, Inc. puts out does not inspire hope.

So, fuck, where's that porn video, the ones where the guys are sobbing? I'd be in it. Over the years, friends and acquaintances have offered me varying spots in varying kinds of porn shoots, but I always decline because they expect me to respond as though being asked to be in a porn production where I don't get paid for my time is some kind of favor they're bestowing upon me. As if, oh my god, now they like me, they really, truly like me!

What the fuck is up with that, also, by the way? First of all, it actually is a lot less sexy for me if I don't get paid to do it, and second of all, why are my only two options for porn shoots always "stand right here and let me kick you in the balls while I look pretty" or "you'll be blindfolded and he'll go down on you 'til you pop"? If there's one thing Men In Pain actually gets right (maybe there's more than just one thing, but anyway) it's their fucking variety. Or variety of fucking. (I even submitted a modeling application to them, for many reasons, but to no avail.) Anyway, you get my point.

I'm sure this post is going to confuse a lot of people. Maymay, they'll say, how the fuck can you be so pro-porn and so anti-prodomme. Pro-dommes are just sex workers after all, you know. They're part of the same industry. Why not get all huff-and-puff-and-blow-your-house-down about that porn site that your friend was talking about that you think objectifies women?

Because my problem with all of this isn't the existence of the sex industry; it's the monopoly (and the resulting monotony) of the sex industry that I think causes problems. In other words, it's not just that I have a problem with pro-domme's being the representation of female domination out in the world (a la Mistress Asscrusher), I also have problems with all the other shame-ridden stereotypes of every other gender and orientation combination. A lack of visible variety breeds a closeted, guilt-ridden culture. That is not okay.

Like Eileen said, where are the porn sites showing me some other kind of sex?

There was a wonderfully timely string of comments that started with britspin made on Bitchy's blog earlier today just as I was trying to come up with the genius conclusion to this post. It's so perfect, in fact, that I'm just going to quote some of what he says:

OK. Confession time. I’m one of those guys who enables this crap.

[…]

When it comes to a woman who even hints that she might be dominant, I go completely doolally. Self respect gets checked at the door, along with judgement, the awareness of possible mental health issues and anything that comes between me and the possibility of a woman doing rude, rude things.

This is even worse with people like me whose starting point with Femdom is the internet and our own fantasies- I get to measure my behaviour by strange chatroom etiquette, incredibly varied demands in alt.com profiles and a few videos made by english mansion and men in pain.

I suspect that basing my flirtation with dominant women on these reference points is not a recipe for successful social intereaction… but christ, I’m an ignoramous mostly hoping not to make an utter fool of myself… so I plead ignorance, not malignity!

Just as I've said countless times before. And then, just to drive the point home:

When you realise you’re sub or Dom, what reference points do you get? For me it was the avengers and a very weird fantasy about being kidnapped and kept in an emptied swimming pool by about twenty avenger clad women. I don’t think I ever got any options showing dominant women without PVC and leather.

[…]

I think with me it was very much… Gosh, I really want this badwrongthing done to me. Hmmm who seems to get away with doing badwrongthings. evil, pvc clad, fur wearing, faun torturing, whip wielding bond villanesses. Well in that casen that’s who I fancy… because they do the badwrongthings….

Did it really need this much elaboration? Where do you start railing against this stuff? Mainstream pornographers? Pro-dommes? Submissive men? Gender supremacists? Fucking abstinence-only sex educators? I'll tell you where: every-fucking-where you see it. Yeah, that's where you start.

Pegging gets mainstream attention and kinky porn gets rightfully slapped upside its head

2007-08-12T22:15:00.000-04:00

Just earlier today a friend sent me to this Savage Love article in the Village Voice. It's about pegging, aka strap-on sex. We've all talked about this before, remember. The reason this article stuck out like a bright and red sore thumb in all the otherwise mundane vanilla-oriented sex advice columns was the nugget of wisdom by the ever-wonderful Violet Blue shared in response to this woman's concerns:

Everything I've come across so far seems to be playing into the stereotypes that plague male- on-female anal sex. ("You're going to take my cock up that little ass," etc.) I don't peg my man to work out my aggression, I peg him because the prostate is a wondrous thing.

When I point at other submissive men who are blinded by their own irresistible cravings to think before they act and tell you that they have hurt me in my sex life, this is (an example of) exactly what I mean. When I point at pro-dommes and tell you that they are cheapening me to other dominant women, this is exactly what I mean. When I point at the media and say that this is why I feel like it is invading my bedroom, this is exactly what I mean.

Violet Blue responds with some much-needed reason to all the craziness:

Pegging in most porn is festooned with stereotypes of shame and pain, like most sex in mainstream porn," says Violet. "And, unfortunately, these stereotypes have seeped into online sex culture. But you don't have to be Mistress Asscrusher, and he doesn't have to answer to Worthless Buttslut, in order to enjoy strap-on sex. Like I explain in my book, most couples who peg do it because it's fun, intimate, new, exciting, and quite loving.

I've said it before, but I guess it behooves me to say it again: I don't see anything wrong with Mistres Asscrusher or Worthless Buttslut, but if you start to expect that of me (by behaving in ways that show it—I couldn't care less what positions you fantasize about me in as long as they remain fantasy) then you are actually hurting me and it doesn't matter who you are or what your orientation, submissive man or dominant woman or albino monkey or whatever, you're not going to see much respect beyond that I accord fellow humans coming from me. Respect like that is and always should be earned—you don't get it just because you're of an "alternative" sexuality.

Addendum: I was just talking to that brilliant friend of mine who asked me what the hell my beef with pro-dommes is. It's a fair question. She asked me to describe it in twenty words or less, because she was tired. So I did:

Pro-dommes have a monopoly on the expression of female domination in the majority of online and real-world kinky contexts.

One thing led to another in this conversation, when she finally remarked that she never thought she'd see "the personal is political" from this side of the sex wars, but yeah, ok, I can see it. Being completely untrained in feminist theory I'd never heard that word before, so I did a little bit of searching to find out what she's talking about. I have no conclusions, but I wanted to share what I found because I feel it is inherently relevant to the above post.

A Z-Magazine editorial on the various meanings of the phrase "The Personal Is Political" through time since the late 1960's. (I highly recommend reading this first.)

Wikipedia's article on identity politics.

Newsgroup archives discussing the origins of the phrase "The Personal is Political".

and more….

In brief, I am beginning to wonder if this phrase and its related political associations are an accurate description of the feelings of systematic marginalization in the post above. I'll leave further speculation, however, for a time after more significant rumination.

The first blowjob I've ever bottomed to

2007-08-10T13:39:00.000-04:00

This morning a friend asked me to give her an image that turns me on, followed by an image that is iconic of a "top" or a "domme" and then to determine whether the answers to those two questions share any key visual elements. Yes, this friend's really smart, by the way.

In response, I told her that the first thing that popped into my mind of an image that turns me on was Eileen's lips and tongue during the blowjob she unexpectedly gave me last night, but that's only because I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for the past twelve hours or so. In fact, if my friend had asked me for an image that turns me on another day, I probably wouldn't have said blowjobs at all.

The last significant mouth-on-penis action I've received hasn't been for more than two and a half years. Before that I wasn't even that excited about blowjobs. Handjobs always felt better to me anyway, so I wasn't very interested in getting them, though I don't think I ever turned down the opportunity. All my partners were far more skilled with their hands than their mouths anyway but more interestingly—and more to the point—I liked handjobs more because it was easier to bottom to them.

Few men can deny the fact that having someone else's hands around your genitals can be a vulnerable position. Of course, it isn't always intended that way (unless you're me, in which case it probably is) but our culture is saturated with images and stories of men's genitals being vulnerable in the hands of women. It's even in our slang: "She has got me by the balls" means that I am well and truly dominated by her control of the situation. I'm not sure why this is supposed to be a bad thing (</sarcasm>), but it is.

Contrast this with any imagery of blowjobs displayed by popular culture and the exact reverse is true. For some reason, people seem to think that putting your penis in someone else's mouth gives you some kind of control over the situation and makes the person whose mouth is around your genitals submissive. This has always been somewhat baffling to me, because it is far easier to hurt my penis with your teeth than it is to hurt it with your hands. Is my penis somehow more vulnerable to teeth than a so-called "Alpha Male"'s is? I'd love to know if it is, as I've unfortunately had no experience putting real live penises in my mouth.

(As an aside: if you want me to feel submissive while you make me go down on your cock then you should use something along the lines of a ring gag (NSFW) while you do it. Not that there aren't other ways to make fellatio into a submissive act—you could close my nose so I have trouble breathing, or hold a knife at my neck, or you could just whisper in my ear that you know how badly I want to drown the back of my throat in ejaculate, but the point is that it's all about how you do what you're doing.)

I think blowjobs are so riddled with unnecessary connotations of submission that whenever my previous partners went down on me they were, in effect, submitting. (As another aside, these particular past partners were for the most part submissive women, which I'm sure had something to do with it. Why my dating history has a 3-to-1 ratio of submissive women to dominant women is, however, another frustrating post entirely.) While I enjoy sexual stimulation from a talented mouth as much as the next man, girls who go down on me with a disposition that is solely intended to please are just not as sexy as the ones who do it with a mind for taking control of me.

There are two times in life when people will show you their true emotions. The first is during a round of poker. The second is during sex.

It should probably be obvious, but maybe it's not: submissive men like assertive blowjobs, not amiable ones. In fact, in case one thing doesn't lead you to the other, submissive men like assertiveness and control in general. We like assertive handjobs and masturbation, fucking (of many varieties), kissing, and pussy-licking. In other words, we enjoy all the very same sexual acts anyone else does, but what we enjoy most about them is the assertiveness and control of our dominant partners.

So when Eileen took hold of my wrist and placed it behind my back as she enveloped my penis with her throat, I nearly shuddered from the hotness. There was the key visual element that combined one of the sexiest things I have ever seen with my iconic image of female dominance: assertive and control, wanting me and taking me. She took me, this time, with her mouth.

She licked my cock from base to head and from head to base, not in worship to me but in her own indulgence. Whereas before I was used to blowjobs being a rather piston-like up and down motion or a stationary sucking sensation (penises aren't straws, by the way), Eileen's mouth slowly travelled all over my shaft. When she combined a powerful suction on my penis' corona with vertical strokes from her tongue I had to say it out loud: "I'm going to orgasm if you keep doing that." And in response, she eased up just enough to make it possible for me not to come.

In response to my friend's second question asking for an iconic image of a "top" or "domme," I responded that to come up with one is actually pretty difficult. After all, there are so many different looks that I associate with dominance. Does the so-called iconic female dominant have long hair or short hair? Is she dressed in tight clothing or is she lounging in bathrobes? It can all be hot.

So my answer was that an image iconic of a female top or domme for me, at that moment when she asked, was a tall woman wearing jeans that shows off her ass nicely and some kind of tank-top-like shirt, probably black. It's comfortable yet sexy—sexy because she's comfortable. And in my fantasies, she's holding something, like a knife in her right hand and a coiled rope in her left, not to be too specific about it. (I realized later that I was actually just describing Eileen in one of her more playful moods, but that's besides the point right now.)

Clearly I have a thing for the outdoorsy look, but what I really have a thing for is the confident type. This should be no secret (and if it is, I pity you and would like to invite you to listen especially close right now), but confidence is always sexy. Always. It's sexy to me when you look into my eye and feel confident enough to know you can make me hard just by licking your lips.

Confidence is about being sexy, regardless of orientation or activity. Assertiveness and control is about taking that confidence and applying it to a particular sexual power dynamic. Like, you know, leaving me literally laughing on our bed from desperate arousal after giving me the most dominant blowjob I've ever felt and then smiling as you tell me there's not a chance you'll let me orgasm tonight.

What sexuality might taste like if you were a submissive man in 2007

2007-08-04T18:11:00.000-04:00

I've been really, really pissed off the last couple of ~~days weeks months~~ years. I thought it was getting better and I was beginning to get out of my bitter and jealous funk, but it's just not happening. Might even be getting worse; instead of ranting on my own blog, now I'm ranting in the comments on Elizabeth's blog (sorry about that, by the way). Pretty sad, really.

I had a long converastion with Lady Lubyanka today, whom I am almost certain thinks I am a very angry and very smart troubled young boy. (She would not be entirely incorrect either; but I did have to look up the word erudite when she called me that today. She's such a sweet charmer.) Then, later, instead of spending dinner with friends I became too upset to be social and wanted to leave early, and this ended up as a very long conversation with Eileen about what was wrong.

So what is wrong? A lot of things are wrong and were never right; these things have hurt me from the first moment I interacted even remotely sexually with another person, but they are especially painful right now because of a few personal experiences that I'd much rather not go into on such a public forum. I mention that now to tell you, dearest reader, that these things are not solely the belidgerant words of an angsty youth. These things do happen. They happen all the time.

Even though there's no help in this post, I ultimately thought that writing about how to make things better without also showing the hurt may not actually be that effective. So here is the bitter taste of reality submissive men drink day in and day out:

I wanted to write about the incredibly aggravating notion that regardless of orientation, dominant or submisive, men are expected to be the pursuers while women, dominant or submissive, are expected to be the pursued.

I wanted to write about why many submissive men are just as responsible for debasing their own sexuality as the many pro- (and so obviously not-so-pro-)dommes who take delight in squashing them down while lifting them of that burdensome weight in their wallets. ("Thank you for stealing my money, Mistress, would you like another dollar?")

I wanted to write about the lack of empathy so prevalent in the public BDSM scenes where more often than you'd probably think (more times than I can count and over the course of two relationships) people of all sexes befriend you if you're a guy for the purposes of getting closer to your girlfriends, both significant other(s) and otherwise. After all, you're a guy: you're just a dime a dozen anyway and another twenty like you will walk through the door in the next two minutes. But oh my god, is that a breast standing next to you? Is there a photographer in the house? Someone must capture this moment and make it last a lifetime! (I still remember the near stampede bee line that was made towards my then-girlfriend when we came out to our first public BDSM meeting. It's happened lots of times since then, too; mostly I'm just used to it now.)

I wanted to write about how most people assume that if you're a guy you're probably controlled by nothing more than that little blood-shot rod of tissue called a penis, and how incredibly shameful I feel to be male because so many times these people are actually correct in their accusations of men. (See above. 'Nuff said.)

I wanted to write about how submissive men will pretty much always, without fail, lose a race for sexual satisfaction out of any gender/sex/orientation combination you can come up with. Always. I've had a sex life that any submissive man you point at would kill to have, yet stick me in a room with other orientations and I'm still the first one sidelined, the last one standing by the fruit punch and chips, so to speak. It's not like it hasn't happened before, and it's certainly going to happen again.

I wanted to write about how if you're a submissive guy you're treated with near-fear if not written off if you don't call youself worthless or think you're only value comes from how much money you make. My god, he's submissive but he likes himself. He's gotta be like the unabomber or one of those kids from Columbine—he's clearly fucked up in the head. No self-respecting male would actually be submissive. I mean, he's submissive? Doesn't he not want to be respected? (Yeah, keep talking Einstein.)

If you are a man and you have had any experience at all interacting with almost any sexually oriented community (including non-kinky contexts), maybe you're pretty pissed off, too. Worst of all, maybe a lot of people are telling you that you don't have a lot of reason to be upset. After all, you're a man, and the world handed you an easier time of things than, say, if you were a woman or if you were living in a third-world country. Shut up and be grateful, you selfish little prick.

I'm not ungrateful, you should tell them, I'm very grateful for the things I have. But that does not negate the unjust, oppressive, systematic starvation of my sexual identity, the hurt caused by the intentional and the unintential assumptions made about who I am and what I should enjoy based on it, or the pain from seeing how excruciatingly invasive all of this has become in my bedroom.

That's what I wanted to write about, but I'm clearly in no state to be writing such things. I'm way too angry about it to make any kind of coherent sense. So like I said, move along, keep channel surfing. There's nothing to see here that you haven't seen a million times before.

Real Ultimate Male Chastity

2007-08-02T13:06:00.000-04:00

I'm finally starting to feel a little bit better today. In celebration, I thought I'd share with you all one of my older web pages, created back in February of this year with the help of two good friends. This one is about Real Ultimate Male Chastity. I hope you enjoy it.

Also, if you're not already familiar with the Internet phenomenon of Real Ultimate Power, you may enjoy checking out the original web site and its parody directory.

Your fantasy is not reality, and you should know better

2007-08-01T13:54:00.000-04:00

A major problem many people have is the inability to draw distinctions between one thing and another. This is especially true when the separation between two things are gradated. To simplify the problem, most people resign to black and white distinctions, this or that, tearing things apart that are inherently interwoven together into what they perceive as separate strands. It's as if they believe doing so will magically reveal all that which created the thing in the first place. But they are misguided, at best, and purposefully destructive at worst.

Many things about me are more than the sum of my parts. While it is certainly possible to break these parts away from one another, doing so reveals information only about my constituent parts in their new, isolated context. I should know; I continually undergo this exercise as part of watching myself growing older.

Possibly the saddest of things to fail to distinguish in my opinion are the emotional paradoxes brought on by sexual fantasy. It creates a situation where most people structure their relationships around their fantasies, when they should be structuring their fantasies around their relationships.

Trinity said it another way:

I was honestly flummoxed (though not surprised) when he didn't understand. Wouldn't it be better for someone to accept your service because you're you than because you're a boy?

I mean, I get the whole "I'm just one of many, depersonalized, a number in a harem" as sexual fantasy. But the guy in question is so obsessed with asserting he's not talking about fantasy when he is... that befuddles me.

Fantasy is fine and great, when clearly marked.

As did Richard:

For other men it is just another sort of hot sex fantasy. But they don't know how to distinguish the source of the thrill from actuality.

A couple of women have based lucrative careers on promoting this: Sutton, Abernathy.

And there is a legion of telephone prodommes who invoke the rhetoric as a means of attracting clients.

Unfortunately, the rhetoric is sexually exciting at first glance and too few people are trained in the skills required to control their own immediate gratification to put thought into their emotions and see the rhetoric's flaws.

Inequality turns me on. As a result of that, I enjoy fantasies of female superiority over males when I'm feeling like submitting to feminine authorities. Long have I had dreams, like most submissive men, of being objectified and degraded because of pieces of my identity: my gender, my physical attributes.

Some fantasies are quite vivid. I remember one from when I was barely a teenage boy (maybe 13 or so) of being captured by a race of women who kept me bound in a dark cave (where there were other such helpless male victims in abundance) with a substance similar to super powerful spider's webbing and whose only contact with me would be to feed me food and drink and occasionally come to "collect" my ejaculate. A classic fantasy, really, undoubtedly from the mind of a youth twisting science fiction imagery to suit his preferred sexual expression.

As I grew older, I maintained the same fantasies, but the imagery changed somewhat. Instead of science fiction, I more often used personal experiences as fuel. As I was more-or-less in school at the time, school-grounds were a favorite locale where the girls (and sometimes certain boys) could take sexual advantage of me in all manner of creative ways. The image above has been a favorite source of this kind of fantasy for many years now.

In that way, I enjoyed the fact that I was as skinny as a twig and frightfully anemic. My sexual fantasies of being overpowered actually dissuaded me from taking care of my body and ensuring my own health back then.

That's the kind of inability to distinguish fantasy from reality that I'm talking about. When it's so personal, as that is, and when you crave something so much, as I did, you don't want to let reality get in the way of your fantasies. There's not anything wrong with trying to live in reality more elements of your fantasies. I do that all the time. But I'm only successful when I take reality into account.

Doing anything else is foolhardy.

The case against supremacy

2007-07-31T16:12:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about this all day, intending to satiate myself with my own musings, however I think that the firestorm of outrage could use a little level-headedness. Not that the outrage is misguided, unexpected, or even inappropriate. I'm pretty outraged myself, but outrage does very little to ease my own need for understanding. Only rational thought can fan those flames.

Smart people are very good at rationalizing things, by the way. History is full of examples of smart people doing lots of things with lots of reasons. Reasons are one of the things humans are best at manufacturing, even though we are not as good at reasoning about them. We construct meaning for our own purposes very much in the same way that we eat or drink or breathe or sleep. We are built to do it even though it can be pretty difficult to accomplish at times. We can't help ourselves, and it's rather a helpful thing that we can't, too! It would be pretty horrible to live a life without any meaning, wouldn't you say?

Understanding that is the first step towards rationalizing your reasoning, whether you are trying to reason through thought, action, or emotion. (The latter is particularly difficult due to our particular neurological evolution, but possible nonetheless.) In other words, know that your reasons are meaningful only because you have given them meaning. If it were not for that, your life would be meaningless. It should not be a disheartening insight if you understand the empowering nature of such a statement.

But I digress. This is about the idea of supremacy, that one person, place, or thing (we'll call these options a noun, collectively) is superior to another, different noun. Here are a few examples of nouns that I've heard many people compare with one another throughout my lifetime:

Apples and oranges.

Glasses and contact lenses.

City dwellers and suburban dwellers.

Democrats and Republicans.

Americans and foreigners to Americans.

Men and women.

Heterosexual people and people who are not heterosexual.

Light-skinned people and dark-skinned people.

Jewish people and Christian people (and Muslim people and Hindu people and on and on and on).

Here's one funny thing about such comparisons, in case it wasn't clear to you from the list above: each set of nouns contains members which share an enormous number of characteristics. In my experience encountering comparisons intended to determine superiority, this rule of likeness has never been broken. Actually, I am eager for the day when it will be. On that day I will have met someone "truly" deranged.

Apples and oranges are both fruits, glasses and contact lenses are both corrective eye-wear, and (I did focus on the human comparisons purposefully) the rest are all humans. I have never heard an apple compared to a Jewish person, for example, nor have I heard a woman compared to a pair of glasses. Why? Well, naturally, it's because the comparison to determine superiority in a way people can get emotionally invested in requires the act of measuring both nouns against the perceived value of a common property.

That is to say, in order to determine that one thing is superior to the other and have people care about it, your measurement must measure a characterstic that both things have. If you instead measure a characteristic that only one of your member things have then no half-thinking or half-feeling person would give your comparison any meaningful meaning. (See what I did there? I went back to the meaning thing from the beginning of the entry. Remember that. It'll come up again, I promise.) What does it mean to make something meaningful? It means to give that opinion weight, to use it as the basis for your reasoning and the motivation behind your actions, whatever they may be.

There are some very smart people who use this argument to try and prove the idea of absolute superiority of one form or another, citing nuance or complexity to hide their absolutism. The previous link, in particular, leads to a man named Alexis's writings, who believes in the potential superiority of all women over men.

Alexis (who is very clearly superior in his intelligence when measured for such things by means of analyzing his grammar, punctuation, vocabulary, and the like), says the following—after a very long-winded but informational digression about the merits of apples over oranges or vice versa—about making such comparisons:

My point: accepting any measure as a guideline means that one option will not rate as high as the other option. And it is the measure that is argued, not the superiority of the two options. Statistically, by changing the measure you change the results.

Preceeded immediately by this (in my opinion very accurate) statement:

If we could ever get two people to agree on the subject of what measure could be used as a guideline.

This is, unfortunately and unsurprisingly, a circular argument. A measure of superiority without defining superiority of or in a specific something is not a persuasive argument because it is statistically (and otherwise) meaningless. (Oh, there it is again! Did you see it?)

To combat that very simple point, reasons are concocted. For example, the argument changes from an absolute statement "Women are superior to men" to a qualified statement "Women are potentially superior to men" to a theory "Women are potentially superior to men if they can be shown to be smarter/stronger/better/whatever" to a belief "Women who have been proven to be smarter/stronger/better/whatever are superior to men." Is it just me, or is it smelling a little One True Way® in here all of a sudden?

God bless our puny mortal souls and our meaningless lives. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself. The opportunity for satire is rather irresistable.)

The problem with all this is, I dearly hope, obvious by now (especially since the really smart female supremacists said it first, even if they may have missed the point a little): you're not going to get everyone to agree. The disagreements aren't about measures to use for determining one gender or sex's superiority over the other. They are about the idea that any one measure or collection of specific measures are an accurate depiction of unqualified superiority whether it is applied to gender, race, religion, or anything else.

I can disprove absolutist remarks stated as fact. I can't (and won't try to) disprove belief. Neither can they.

Wow. How anti-climactic. I know, I'm almost disappointed, too.

How to make my space bigger

2007-07-30T15:27:00.000-04:00

In reply to my previous post, Eileen left some prodding comments. (I love it when she prods me.)

How can we make the spaces for everyone wider? CV is doing a fantastic job of it; what else can be done?

CV succeeded in creating a space that does not feel fragmented because there was more than just tolerance and acceptance, there was invitation and inclusion. At the same time as we celebrate diversity and showcase our differences, we are also welcoming.

It's not what you do, it's how you do it. Communities can learn a lot from that mantra. Everywhere else I look I see groups built upon expectations instead of invitations. Their party line is, "Come here if you are interested in BDSM and you are gay." The "Join us if" mentality is exclusionary, an odd thing for a marginalized community to be based on, I think. The end result of such things is the current state of the sexuality communities: fractured and divided and so utterly, utterly siloed.

Instead, why not just say, "Join us." No qualifiers, there's no need. Rules of civility and organization operations are no hindrances to this sort of thing. And of course, don't just say it. Do it!

Dom Sub Friends (aka DSF) has what is probably their view of a very inviting tagline: The Friendly BDSM Society. But go to a meeting and you'll be greeted by the most adamantly heterosexual, maledom/femsub group you're likely to meet in New York City. They may be friendly, but they are anything but inviting if who you are is someone like me. On the other hand, they are probably a great find for people who are looking for that sort of thing. (In which case I recommend them—they've never been anything but friendly to me.)

Naturally, communities will organize around their own cultures, and what they determine as criteria for valuing BDSM activity is not mine. It makes sense, then, that I would not find this group inviting. It also begs the question: would they find my culture inviting? Maybe not. (As a side-note, this is why I am very much not worried about people who may pose a threat to CV taking over the population of the group. They simply have better places to go than our little oasis. To quote our current president of vice, we're really pretty boring if you're not actually interested in learning about BDSM with an open mind.)

Therein lies my point, however. They don't need to find my culture inviting, they already have one. I, on the other hand, don't. There are no erotic art shows I know of that display imagery such as that in Van Darkholme's Male Bondage photography book. As a matter of fact, I don't even know of any other books that do such a thing.

Should we start making our own porn? Should I take photos of you? Should we pitch a fit over spaces, or work to make the spaces different, or leave the spaces altogether? And then, will what you're working to make and what already exists ever have significant cross over?

I don't know. I hope there will be crossover, because even though I don't feel welcome in their community I certainly appreciate their presence as a community. Sexual rights are important for everyone. Their presence strengthens my own stance, as mine strengthens theirs. It is not impossible to stand together and still be different, but it is impossible for me to stand with them when I can not call anything of theirs my own and when there is nothing else for me to claim for myself.

Maybe they don't even want anything to do with me, but I guarantee that I'm a voice they'd be better off having on their side, especially with the recent climate of sexual oppression and misunderstanding growing stronger every day. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: for some reason, sex and education seem to be the two topics that otherwise smart people consistently behave very stupidly about.

I don't want to go to the same parties as these other people do. Neither of us would have a good time. My griping isn't because they have a community, it's because mine is practically non-existant. What's sprung up in the past couple of years is truly extraordinary, and I am in the unique position among my tiny social circle of being able to remember what it was like before. I want to cultivate it, and make it grow.

Does that mean making my own porn? I don't know. I'd be willing to try it. There is no greater equalizer than currency. If selling my brand of sexuality earns it a top spot on people's radars, why shouldn't I try for it? That's what I admire about Tristan Taormino. It's too bad she's not a submissive guy. But then if she were a submissive guy, like I am, would her brand of sex sell at all? Would mine?

There is no doubt in my mind that there are other people who have not been lucky enough to find a place where such acceptance and intelligence has coalesced and these people are still looking for it. I hope they keep looking, because I am, and one day we might find each other.

Being loud helps you get noticed. Maybe I am just trying to rouse my little corner into making a little more noise. I feel I have been deafened by the never-ending rhetoric of others that so many people have written about lately.

There is so little space for me

2007-07-30T10:57:00.000-04:00

I think a lot of people enjoy the notions of a BDSM community because it feels good to belong and to know that there are other people who share your feelings. That's certainly true for me, but lately I've been reminded rather harshly about just how much of my own community does not actually include me in any significant way. And it hurts. A lot.

At the risk of posting a rather dreary self-pitying entry (on a Monday, no less), I have to say that I often feel like there is no space here for me. While I know intellectually that I'm not alone, it sure feels like I am.

Because friends were involved and it was free and sounded the least bit interesting, I went to a low-key erotic art show that OneTaste NY was producing. The artwork wasn't bad; it was just so typical. I can't tell if it helped the show or made it worse that the theme wasn't specifically BDSM-oriented. Why is it that even in people's supposedly non-kinky erotic art ideas women are submissive?

The overwhelming feel of the event was decidedly…patriarchal. "This is a flirt-heavy zone," the greeter told us as we entered, and proceeded to inquire about Eileen's weekend. Maybe "flirt-heavy" is just the PC word for meat market now. Maybe that's too harsh, but there's no denying the implication that men would do the purusing and women would be the pursued. There's nothing wrong with that (putting my head in Eileen's lap at a party was how we got together—quite the forward thing for submissive male to do, many people would probably think), but the expectation is nauseating.

Even the men, the poor ignorant sods, are succumbing to the peer pressure. (Maybe that's because most of them are spineless bastards to begin with who are just aching to be told what to do. Oops, maybe that was too harsh again.) You see it in their ridiculous bait-and-switch routines where the submissive men pretend to be dominant only long enough to get the woman to bed with them. Then they turn around and get on their hands and knees and start talking about how pathetic they are. This is probably one of the very few times I'll actually agree with those men: they are pathetic, and I'm not only ashamed but enraged to be thought of as similar to them, not to mention just how many things are wrong with the very idea that this tactic might actually work out well for anyone.

I'm jealous of the submissive women for whom this kind of space must be an incredible cornucopia of sexual celebration. I bet they actually had a blast at the art show. At the same time, I'm sorry, for their sake, that this potentially wonderful environment is all but destroyed by utterly disrespectful men.

In the end, no one's really all that happy, are they? Is there anyone out there who actually thinks the scene as it is right now is just peachy keen? That it couldn't be better?

A really long time ago, friends of mine who were elected to the TES board of directors encouraged me to run alongside them. They told me that I could do so much good for that community. And that was why I chose not to run: it's not my community, really. It's the closest thing I have to a community, so I adore it, but it's not mine because so much of what they do does not welcome or include me in any significant way. Oh sure, they encourage male submissives sometimes but the way they do so is so amazingly repulsive in so many ways that I just can't see myself having much to do with it. I don't begrudge that community their right to exist. I just want one of my own.

So I'm working hard to build it.

Aneros Helix Sex Toy Review

2007-07-26T15:19:00.000-04:00

Don't ask me why, but I wanted to try my hand at wrting a sex toy review. I'd never done it before, you know. I had to think a bit about which toy from my collection I should write about. I could have written about the Fleshlight, or about the Hitachi Magic Wand, however I've had way more fond memories with the Aneros that I ended up choosing that little gem. Following is my first stab at a review. :) (Yes, I realze it's devoid of kink-specific uses. The Aneros makes a pretty mean teasing device if prostate stimulation gets you going.)

When most men hear the word "prostate" I bet they immediately conjure up images of bending over at the doctor's bracing for a horrible experience. When I hear the word "prostate," however, I think of sex. Good sex. So what's the difference between me and most people? Well, probably many things, but at least one of them is that I own an Aneros Helix, a male prostate massager.

Okay, okay, by "prostate massager" what I really mean is sex toy. This little anal toy isn't quite a dildo nor is it like those standard butt plugs you might be familiar with. In fact, if you've never had any experience with anal stimulation, I'd say skip the butt plugs and go straight for a prostate massager like this one. Prostate massagers, of which the Aneros line was one of the first, are curvy, rather bulbous insertables whose scientifically designed shape is intended to gently ride along your prostate as you flex your buttocks—all on their own.

When I first got the Aneros (and I'm not emabrassed to admit it) I already had my fair share of experience with anal penetration, however I had never tried a prostate stimulator. I was curious about what it would feel like, so soon after I got home I had slipped a condom and some lube on the toy and gently pushed it toward my unsuspecting prostate. It immediately felt great, like a little finger pressing at the base of my penis from inside my body, but that was just a teaser.

The truly amazing feelings didn't start until I started to masturbate. As I masturbated, I involuntarily clenched my ass slightly. I hadn't even noticed that I did this before, but now whenever I would do so the Aneros would slide a little bit further inside me and then slide back again, running itself over my prostate with each stroke. It felt so good so quickly I actually stopped masturbating so it would last longer. This wasn't a filling sensation like all the other dildo and plug toys I had experienced before, it was a rubbing sensation, but it was rubbing from the inside out.

When I finally did allow myself to orgasm with the Aneros still inside me, the sensations were more powerful because with each orgasmic contraction the Aneros was dutifully pumping away at my prostate. Since then, the Aneros has become one of my favorite masturbation and sex enhancers in my toy collection. Just think about all that buttocks-flexing sex requires!

The Aneros actually comes in several different models of varying sizes, just in case you don't think your sphincter will appreciate the largest size. Personally, even at 1 and 1/16 of an inch in diameter at the tip I found the Helix a little small, so I don't think I'd get much out of any of the thinner models and am eager to try a larger one.

Quick Thoughts on Blogging, Bisexuality, and Prostate Stimulation (no relation)

2007-07-19T16:07:00.000-04:00

Perhaps this should be three separate posts, but whatever. In preparation for Floating World, Jefferson from over on One Life, Take Two has asked for some reader participation. The topics are absolutely fascinating so I couldn't help but offer my input:

1) Do you blog about sex? Let me know your site, your reasons forblogging, and your experiences as a blogger.

My experiences blogging are somewhat unusual because I have been blogging since before it was called blogging. Back in 1995, I set up a web site for bipolar youth on which I kept a semi-regular running journal. I was 12 or so at the time. My life since then is a remarkably open book. I find that blogging is one of the key techniques I use to maintain self-awareness and self-observation. I do this about sex, but I also do this about friends and family life, social events, and my work life. Making things public just makes things more accessible. I've gotten correspondence from people and have friends I would not have had other wise. To date, I've never experienced a profoundly negative effect from public blogging.

I keep getting warned that one day this is going to bite me, and you know what, maybe it will. But I've already gained so much from my own openness that it seems like a silly thing to fear the potential backlash of the future. I am much stronger now anyway, more confident but also more of a success in other people's eyes. It becomes very difficult, I believe, to point at someone and say "You're bad because of this or that" when you are presented with all the other things they have done that you don't have any problem with.

Those of you who only read this blog may not know about the other topics I write about elsewhere, and those people will probably not wander on over here to read about kink and BDSM. As a result, while I am just one voice, I am a voice for many things. It's that kind of diversity that gives people their strength and which makes it hard to demonize any one aspect of a person's life.

2) What are your experiences with male bisexuality? I'm interested in your personal experiences as well as those involving friends, lovers and/or communities. Anyone is welcome to reply; you needn't be bisexual or identify as male to have an opinion or experience to relate.

I'm a bisexual guy. Bisexuality is hard: there is very little community identity because I don't know of any bisexual guys (or girls?) who are *only* bisexual. Everyone is bi but also kinky or heavily involved in LGBT activism (from which I've noticed the B and the T get dropped very frequently), or something else such as polyamory. Indeed, I am guilty of this myself. It's been to my own detriment, in fact, because while I strongly desire male-male experiences I have been focused elsewhere.

It doesn't help that community norms typically marginalize male bisexuality, and it is infuriating that female bisexuality is actually expected to be par for the course. (First because, hey, I want some of that same-sex action, too, and secondly because don't you think this is completely unfair to the women who aren't interested in other women?) I often shy away from meeting gay men because all too often they dismiss my homosexual interests as merely a passing fad. Or sometimes the reverse case, where my heterosexual interests are inauthentic. To this I say that they have clearly not been reading their own "liberation" material.

Furthermore, the notion of claiming a bisexual identity because it is the cool thing to do, annoyingly dubbed "bi chic" and thankfully not nearly so big a social stigma anymore as it was in the mid-1990's, casts nothing but more shadow over an already veiled identity. Conversely, there is the popular notion of "forced bi", wherein self-declared straight men have irresistable fantasies about being forced into sexual encounters with other men. (Oh, and that's another thing that pisses me off: guys who say they are bi for the sole purpose of getting women. But that's a whole 'nother rant.) When I was in high school and trying to understand what my body was telling me, I struggled for longer than I'd like to admit with the binary idea that I was either gay or straight, but that bisexuality was not an option.

What is it about such black-and-white simplicity that is so attractive to so many people? It's easy, but it's false. Once again, the diversity and fluidity of my gender identity is extremely important to me, and is something I think is actually a healthy thing for everybody to have an understanding about.

3) What are your experiences and interests on g spot and p spotstimulation? Do you enjoy them? Are you frustrated by an inability tolocate them, or to stimulate them?

Kind of dovetailing off the last item, one of the reasons why I am a little hard-up for male-male action is because I absolutely love receiving anal sex. This is primarily because the prostate stimulation is so intense for me. Maybe I'm just wired differently than most people (though I doubt it), but prostate stimulation is so incredibly spot-on (no pun intended), that I am convinced it's one of the most perfect developments in the natural world.

I've never had any problem stimulating my prostate. I've been doing so as a regular part of masturbation since my very early adolescent years (about 11 or so). I started by first pressing my fingers into my perineum and gently rubbing across it. Eventually I began to anally penetrate myself with my fingers. Thank goodness for flexibility! When I masturbate this way, I feel like orgasm approaches much, much quicker than it would otherwise. It's a wonderful addition to sexual play, one I enjoy a lot. I've since bought toys specifically for this purpose, such as the aneros helix. At times, it's actually difficult for me to avoid ejaculating when sexual stimulation is supplemented with prostate stimulation. When I met my current partner, Eileen, we quickly took to strap-on sex in part for this reason.

However, another aspect to our prostate stimulation playtime actually stems from our orgasm control and chastity kinks. Prostate stimulation is a central part of many submissive men's chastity regimes for reasons of perceived prostatic health. In addition, the incredible arousal I experience when my prostate is stimulated makes me super horny. Eileen calls it "stoking my fire" when she fingers me. It's very effective for sexual teasing because many men, myself included, can't ejaculate powerfully via prostate stimulation alone if they can even reach orgasm at all. The net result is that I get more horny, but can't relieve my arousal. That, of course, is the point.

Where's the pain?

2007-07-17T17:35:00.000-04:00

It is still fascinating to me how differently I react to pain when it is inflicted on the buttocks versus on the back versus on the face versus some other location. So much focus is often placed on the implement causing this pain but it's always been that the location of the pain has a stronger effect on my headspace.

Years ago, I disliked getting hit on the buttocks but I adored getting hit on the back. (I still adore getting hit on my back.) Facing a wall and being whipped was and still is, for the most part, the epitome of my mental image of strength. In contrast, having my ass hurt used to piss me off. I had never really been slapped in the face.

Over time, I was able to eroticize pain delivered to my ass through canings, spankings, and paddlings. I suspect this mostly has to do with the gentle and overtly sexual introduction of my ass cheeks to my play with Eileen, for which I am now, of course, very grateful. I'd never thought it possible before, but for the first time recently I actually got turned on with a properly rhythmic caning that left bruises for several days. But hitting my back still doesn't turn me on.

There is cultural imagery associated with beating certain parts of the body. The back is where you whip the insolent. The ass is where you paddle the disobediant young. The face is where you hit any kind of victim. Certainly, these associations are not far from my mind when I experience such sensations. I wonder, do other cultures (or individuals) with different associations have different reactions because of that?

While feeling pain on my back or face doesn't translate sexually to me, feeling it on my ass does as long as there's sufficent erotic context. Certainly, the proximity of my ass to my genitals helps this, though I think more to the point is the fact that the ass is a larger erogenous zone to begin with. I suspect this is how it works for people who enjoy CBT. (I've never been much a fan of cruel attentions to my genitals. They seem made for gentler manipulations.)

Don't be nice

2007-07-16T16:16:00.000-04:00

I have this lovely little buddy icon of this pretty boy on the floor, leaning back wearing a sweater jacket that reads, "Protect me from the things I want." I love that icon because the boy looks so sultry and so vulnerable and so seductive and so helpless all at the same time. I want to be that boy. (I also want that boy, but that's another entry entirely.)

Why is it that I want the things I don't want to actually happen to me. And do I really want them to happen to me for real or do I just like the threat of them happening?

Mean things. (Backhand me.) Deadly things. (Suffocate me.) Bloody things. (Stab me.) Things I just don't like. (Bite me.) I fantasize about having all of these things done to me. In some cases there's a part of me that really wants it to happen because I think I'd enjoy it. I've had too many fond experiences with pain to feel bad about liking that so much.

And then there are the things I'm not really eager to have happen, but I'm so nervous or frightened about them happening that a part of me wants them to happen just to get them over with. And hell, being nervous and frightened is kind of fun too. And there are the things I just don't get off to, but I know my top likes so what the hell. I like getting my top off—doesn't quite matter how they like as much as I like doing it.

But then there are the things that, no, I really don't want them to happen and if you do them to me I'll fight and scream and cry and beg you to stop. And those are the things I want to have happen because I love the fighting, the screaming, the crying, the begging, but most of all the very fact that I'm not enjoying myself. I won't like it when you do it, but I'll love that you did it. It probably won't turn me on while it's happening (though it might), but I'll masturbate to the memories of it later. And oh, it'll be good.

I do want to be tortured. I don't want to be tortured, but I want it. I have no idea how to explain that in simpler terms because everything else about this fact in my head is just circular logic. But y'know, a lot of things about submissiveness and masochism is pretty paradoxical.

Take orgasm denial, for instance. A classic example to be sure, but an appropriate example nonetheless. The wanting to orgasm is what gets me all hot and bothered. Once I've come, well sure I'm enjoying it, but all the goodness of wanting that orgasm is sated and the replacement satisfaction just isn't the same. It's the same with the death fantasy. Dying is pretty awful but, for me, it's only awful because once I'm dead I can't be bothered to care about the dying anymore. It's like, "Oh look. Here's death. Well, the dying was fun while it lasted. So…what's the weather like in hell these days?" See? Not hot.

I want what I don't want because I don't want it, but I also want my top to want it. It's similarly not hot if I'm being pierced by someone who doesn't enjoy piercing me. The reason I do it with Eileen, despite my preference not to actually be poked with sharp things more than necessary, is because she has a great time with it. Back to the getting my top off bit again. Yes, I know I'm a total whore.

Is this service? If so, then could I conceptually extend the service theory to the point of torture, or death? And now that I'm thinking about it, doesn't that sound a lot like some very well-known cultural and religious imagery? How many times have I been reffered to as Jesus on the cross when I've been whipped in a public setting? (I bet my hair doesn't help avoid the analogy, but still.) Martyrdom is hot for tops, I guess. It's not the martyrdom that turns me on though, it's the suffering. Martyrs who don't want to be martyrs.

Make me suffer. Please.

(Off Topic) Meme: Random Seven

2007-07-13T11:12:00.001-04:00

I need the excuse, so even though I don't really get meme's, since Mistress 160 tagged me, I might as well play along. Besides, I wouldn't say no to her anyway.

Seven random facts about me:

I have only 1 scar, even though I should probably have a lot more considering the things I put my skin through. It's through my left eyebrow.

For most of my teen years, I took medication to treat bipolar disorder.

At one point in my life I had gained a little over 60 pounds in 60 days.

I not-so-secretly want to be tied up with ethernet cabling. Preferably a CAT 6 cable, but CAT 5 will do in a pinch.

I've never held a "real job" for more than 13 consecutive months.

I've presented on a number of kink-related topics at TES, CV, and will soon also do so at Floating World

I was once an audience plant in a play where all the actors, myself included, performed naked.

I know exactly who I'll tag with this one:

Kink in Exile

Eileen

Tom Allen

Richard

Calico

Here is the obligatory part of the meme:

Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write their own blog post with their 7 things as well as these rules. You need to tag 7 others and list their names on your blog. Remember to leave a comment for them letting them know they have been tagged and to read your blog.

Oh and random fact number 8: yes, I am totally a "player."

Changes are no good, or whatever

2007-07-12T17:17:00.001-04:00

Cousin Kevin isn't the only one who's tired of white on black designs. Less design is what I need. So there. :P

More writing would be nice, but with computer thefts, lots of work, and insane moodiness, I've not been one for writing lately. In a rather exciting reversal of fortune, however, Eileen's been writing tons, so go check that out if you haven't already. It's good and stuff.

Kink on Tap 5: Bitchy Jones

2007-07-08T23:43:00.000-04:00

Bitchy, bitchy Jones, who generously spent an hour talking with me for this episode, shared her insightful viewpoints on Femdommery™ and what makes it hot, or not. I'd like to send a very special thanks to Bitchy for speaking with me and for sharing her views.

Kink on Tap 4: Conversio Virium

2007-07-01T23:58:00.000-04:00

I am thrilled to post a new episode of Kink on Tap today. This time, I had a great conversation with Hannah and Tyler, President and Vice President of Conversio Virium, respectively. Conversio Virium (or CV, for short) is Columbia University's BDSM discussion group, and is the oldest student-run BSDM organization in the United States. They even have a Wikipedia entry.

It should be noted that I've been an attendee at CV meetings for quite some time, so this podcast is partly a discussion and partly a chance to give CV some additional reach. Hannah, Tyler, and I talked about a lot of stuff, mostly relating to young people in the kink communities, why a place like CV is so important and what makes CV so special and different from the rest of the BDSM scene.

Hannah and Tyler are also very interested in reaching out and making connections with other youth-oriented BDSM groups, university affiliated or otherwise. You can contact them and the rest of the Conversio Virium leadership through their web site or by emailing conversio@columbia.edu.

Special thanks to Hannah and Tyler for agreeing to speak with me and for continuing to do the awesome job they are doing for Conversio Virium and young kinky people in New York City.

Pride and Marks and Marks of Pride

2007-06-24T23:55:00.000-04:00

I was going to say a lot more, but a picture is worth a thousand words. This year's march was much like the one from 2005, above, except this time I was in chains and jeans instead of ropes and khakis. Happy Pride. :)

Oh hey, guess what? A friend of mine pointed me to some more photos of myself and Eileen from around the web that she found. Here's another, of the parade a few days ago, taken when Eileen and I were taking a short break from all the whip cracking for a sip of water and diet coke:

And hey, yet more pictures are cropping up. Here's another of my back this year:

Okay, I know I keep updating this entry with more links to photos, but that's 'cuz they keep appearing. Here is a gallery with a number of additional photos of me and Eileen. Enjoy. :)

On Ownership and Sharing

2007-06-21T22:22:00.000-04:00

Playing with other people in a sexual way has been a new experience. I'm a gigantic slut in my fantasies, but in reality I've only ever been with about as many people as I can count on one hand. For some reason, while I feel perfectly okay doing "crazy kinky shit" with people I've just met, like letting them beat me with whips, letting them tie me up in very strenuos positions with rope, shackles, handcuffs, and whatever else is lieing about, and more things, I feel far more self-conscious and uncomfortable with the thought of kissing, groping, or fucking people that I don't know very well.

When Eileen and I were talking about our positive weekend experiences with others, one thing that has stuck in my head that she's mentioned is that she said she felt good about the experiences in part because she, "felt like [she] was giving [our friends] a new toy -- you." This struck a chord because that was so much the feeling I got that I was glad she felt it too. In fact, our friends felt similarly!

To make the feeling even more blunt, a week before we had purchased a little gold dog tag at Petco (ahh, one of the many pervertible stores in the city) and placed it on my collar. The collar reads, appropriately enough, "Property of Eileen" and makes a lovely little jingling noise when I shake my head. This thing feeds directly into my human pet fantasies and I've been crushing hard on it ever since we got it. (Note to kinksters on a budget: for God's sake, go visit Petco! Not to mention the fact that this tag really enhances puppy play scenarios!)

I liked feeling as though I were being given to our friends for the night. Eileen went so far as to give them the option of letting me orgasm (or not) once and once only that night. The combination of these things had put me deep into a headspace of feeling owned. The funny thing about it all was that this feeling was around even while spending the night and, wonderfully, it didn't impede or hamper the activities at all. I was still EIleen's, but I was there with our friends. I think this worked so well, at least in part, because they not only understood, but enjoyed the dynamic as well.

This experience makes me want to dig deeper into exploring feelings of ownership and, beyond that, of being shared.

Poly Success

2007-06-19T15:09:00.000-04:00

Leather Pride Night and Folsom Street East this year were both really fun events. However, for the first time ever, my experience of the events was extremely different from Eileen's, whose arm I am usually hanging off of for the majority of these sorts of things. This time, instead, she spent a good deal of time with an ex who came in from out of town and I had the pleasure of spending a good deal of time with other friends.

And you know what? We both really enjoyed ourselves during our time apart and—more to the point—enjoyed coming back home to sleep and cuddle together on our own bed.

The other night when Eileen's old (and new?) flame was leaving, he said, "I thought you'd be all mean," which surprised me some. Later, she expained to me, "It's understandable; one reason he was coming in to the city was to hook up with your girlfriend after all." That makes sense, but being mean was never on my radar.

It made me feel good to hear about the good times they shared, and it made me happy to be asked about the details of my night with our friends. I think I can finally be optimistic about our relationship's poly standing again. That's a really good thing.

I've not been blogging because I've been coding

2007-06-16T12:35:00.001-04:00

I have been completely remiss in blogging these past few weeks. For this I would apologize, save for the fact that I've been doing a whole other kind of writing.

It's taken a little longer than I would have liked and the result is anything but finished, but I've finally completed making Orgasm Logger public. At the moment, the only really interesting thing that it does is provides the means to easily keep an orgasm counter on your blog as long as you can enter a single line of straight HTML in your blog service of choice. But, come on, how cool is that?

It seems that Blogger blogs have no problem with this (obviously, since mine is one), and neither do personally-hosted tools where you can edit the blog template, such as WordPress, MovableType, and so on. WordPress.com users, however, seem to not be able edit their template code and the posts themselves are stripped of the required HTML to make this work. As of right now, I don't know of a workaround, but if you do, please let me know.

The really ugly, completely limited interface is actually somewhat decieving. I spent a lot of time under the hood of the site, so to speak, making sure the schema for the database is as sound as I could make it. I hope to be able to expose a number of other capabilities soon as well as add some bells and whistles when the opportunity presents itself.

In the mean time, it's a good place to store some basic information regarding orgasms (and other sexual experiences). I like doing this because I find that keeping accurate records of my own body can become invaluable information later on. If you use the site, I hope you enjoy it. If you find problems, please let me know!

Is there a difference between fetish, kink, and sex?

2007-06-02T08:53:00.000-04:00

With recent explorations into the realm of friends-who-also-have-sex realm, something that has come to my mind recently is what kind of distinctions I can draw between fetish, kink, and sex. There are actually so many things that make up what we usually call in one pathetically limiting word "sexuality" that this is actually a very difficult thing to piece apart. So much of fetish is sex after all, kink is fetish in a way, and sex can certainly be kinky. But again, not always. Where's the line?

In my experience, this line varies so wildly that I'm not surprised it's so difficult for people to draw distinctions between them. What are the distinctions though?

Contrary to what many people believe, my experience has been that fetish, BDSM (kink), and sex are each distinct realms, separate from one another. This is true in both a cultural sense—because the fetish scene doesn't actually always mingle with the sex-positive scene doesn't always run in the same circles as the BDSM crowd doesn't always rub shoulders with the swingers, and so on and so forth—and a personal sense, because these three distinct parts of my sexuality developed in wholly distinct periods of my life.

While you will never get any argument from me that there are large sections of the three that overlap with each other, I maintain that these three things are different enough from each other to warrant observation and thought as distinct entities. I have been also been making bigger strides in cross-polinating with other groups, and the variations in etiquette and general tone is surprising (and refreshing!) to even me. (This is supposed to be impressive because I'm one of the younger, "Yes, I've seen it all types." And I have actually seen quite a bit.)

Ultimately, the point is not that one's sexuality must be thought of in terms of distinct components, but that it is very helpful in getting what you want when you know that what you want is a mix of different things you can put together in any damn way you please. This freedom to pick and chose what you like is absolutely essential to making a sexual experience rewarding, and it's bafflingly undercommunicated for some strange reason.

The public BDSM (heterosexual) scene, for instance, seems to have some kind of taboo against sex. Sex is so frequently the after-thought in BDSM meetings, that recently TES-TiNG did a whole meeting asking the question, Where'd our sex go? In fact, the blurb for that meeting is so appropriate to this post, I'm going to quote it:

A little confused about where the 'sex' went in 'kinky sex'? Want to get it back in there? Heard rumors that people used to play and have sex -- in public! Wonder why the "Scene" isn't quite like that anymore? (Was it ever?) Confused about how sex & BDSM could be separated in the first place? Concerned with safeguarding the spaces we still have?

Surprising, right? Well, the taboo's not against sex, of course, but it certainly drives the point home. Indeed, when I first began to get into the scene, I divorced sex so completely from BDSM that it actually surprised me when Eileen started playing with me sexually a couple years ago. Now, with (somewhat) non-kinky explorations of sex (which is almost a first for me), I wonder if there's not new and ever more interesting possibilities to play with by mixing and matching elements of fetish, kink, and sex to my liking. Will I create something entirely new? Will that even matter? I'm just going to have a lot more fun!

Thoughts on extended scenes and play headspaces

2007-05-26T15:43:00.000-04:00

A lot of people think BDSM is an all-or-nothing sort of arrangement. Either you are my slave and do everything I ask of you, or you are not and shouldn't be wasting my time. Either I am always, absolutely forever and constantly at your feet and abiding by protocols or whatever, or I am not, and I never play that way. Either you are a pain slut and there's nothing you can't take, or pain's just not your thing and don't ever want to be really hurt.

All of these things are pointedly untrue, though this misconception is popular not only with the mainstream vanilla folks, but with many BDSM players and kinky people as well (which is endlessly frustrating). It certainly offers some explanation of why kink can be so scary for people who don't understand it and who are not at least intrigued by the acitivities. The fact that extended play time such as the extremes described above is actually a common, lustful fantasy offers, I think, a very plausible explanation to why so many people even of the kinky inclination think such a thing is true. And perhaps, though I have reason to doubt some of the claims I have heard, there really are people for whom "24/7" literally means every second of every day.

In the realities of day-to-day life, play time that lasts more than a couple of hours is very, very hard to come by. Beside from the fact that we all have "Real Jobs" and a life to lead outside of the bedroom, it's hard to stay in, for instance, slave headspace when you are constantly surrounded by your personal belongings at home or even at a friend's house. This was not something I ever anticipated being problematic for certain scenes such as longer-term ones, though it is. It's also particularly problematic for other certain kinds of scenes, namely singletail whipping. Again, not something I'd have guessed.

Another point of note regarding the length of a scene is the definition of what precisely a scene is. Two weekends ago, when Eileen and I were at a friend's house for a party (a vanilla party--not all the parties I go to are beat me, whip me affairs) we do as we always do, and I was ordered rather plainly to fetch her drinks from time to time. This was not a dramatic event, but it was not subtle either. It was only after our friend pointed out how strange it must seem for those in attendance who did not already understand our dynamic that we even noticed that it seemed like anything remotely like play at all. Was that a scene? Not for us. It might have been for some of our friends, though.

It's the fact that our dynamic is that way at all that makes it appear as though we do the kind of 24/7 play that you hear people talking about with awed tones, but I think this is actually kind of silly. I don't really consider myself a 24/7 slave with any of the weight people seem to place upon that phrase, I just find the juxtaposition of day-to-day life and servitude enjoyable, both erotically and otherwise. That makes the line between scene spaces and vanilla spaces very, very blurry sometimes, though that is a side effect rather than a direct effect of how Eileen and I interact.

There are, however, certain things we have done expressly for creating play headspaces for longer periods of time. Some of these things are play-specific, and others are again blurry, as above. For instance, a little over a year ago, Eileen bought me a rather heavy locking leather and metal collar. When it goes on me, I know she wants to play. The collar usually stays on a lot longer than the scenes last, and this helps keep some of those slavish emotions around after the beating is through. When we play at night, sometimes she uses the collar and some of our lengths of chain to secure me to the bed for the night to the same effect.

Being leashed or hitched is also a way to actively induce a desired headspace, and is also something that often can last quite a while.

Aside from that collar, I also wear 5 lengths of small jewelry chain all the time. They are placed around my neck, each wrist, and each ankle, and they are have no clasp with which I can remove them (so I don't). They're my "everyday collars". Recently, Eileen's been very turned on by the "harem slave" idea, and so she's added a sixth length of chain around my waist that she calls "utterly decadent."

All this decoration does not leave me unaffected. It's very much like wearing the heavier, locking leather collar, only with a different twist. Rather than being her pain toy, the whipping boy, I'm her cherished posession, and quite often her sex toy. There's something intensely erotically humbling about being equated in some way to a favored vibrator.

Professional Domination is actually Professional, remember?

2007-05-26T04:13:00.001-04:00

If you're tired of this topic, too bad. In fact, blame Calico this time, since she rekindled it. :P

She's been musing over pro-domming again and, as usual, generously shares a lot of her thoughts.

I happen to think my style of sex work is a fantastic deal for all involved, the best bargain (marked down from Invaluable! and Priceless!) there is, but I am biased.

I have to admit that, on a visceral level, the idea of sex being a "fantastic deal" is instantly unappealing to me. If I feel as though I am offering something invaluable, I would feel badly about providing it for a marked-down price at an hourly rate. This has nothing to do with pro-dommes specifically and everything to do with the nature of my interaction with the world, itself something different than what other people experience. I can't fault anyone for their choice of interactions.

Perhaps this is why I am so heartened by Calico's reinforcement of professional domination as sex work. It provides a much simpler to understand reason why I might dislike it so and I am eager to invite a simple explanation to anything this complicated and that causes so much internal conflict.

Lots of things Calico says in this post show me, again, that she really, truly isn't like what I've experienced to be the typical cross-section of Pro Dommes.

I can tell you what it is that I do, as best I know. It might not be dominant, and it might not be smart or correct, but it is certainly sincere.

...

I’ll freely admit that when it comes to power exchange, I play. Submission, domination: I make no pretentions.

...

D/s is not what I do as a “prodomme”. I wouldn’t consider taking on a pay-for-play relationship, period. As a whore of any sort I’m hourly. Sorry, a girl’s gotta have boundaries! The only homework I want is the stuff, like this, that I inflict on myself.
As such I doubt I’m a “proper” prodomme, and I have said as much. Not all my sessions are BDSM — they’re fetish, they’re fantasy facilitation, they’re sex work for crying out loud. I don’t make my foot fetish clients call me Mistress, and I don’t kick anyone in the balls without permission. If they want BDSM they will ask, and I’m happy that plenty do.

I imagine that this is not what you'd expect to hear coming from a proffesional dominatrix. It's certainly not what I heard from dozens of them back when they were a central part of my social circle. It is what they said but it's not what I heard. And isn't that a turn off for anything, feeling in your bones that the situation you find yourself just isn't as authentic, as sincere as you hoped an emotional experience would be? The magnetic repellant of inauthentic interation was so strong I never even got around to paying anyone, though I did have a thought or two about it a long time ago.

Perhaps the expectation of authenticity is too much to ask for a business transaction. One must remember that professional domination is actually a profession, after all.

(As a side note, I know it must be hard being different in a community of those who are different, though I think it's also cause for great celebration, and I hope Calico realizes that, too.)

I won’t stand up and tell you I’m a dominant woman. I haven’t got a line of proof to show you.

...

I like to say that when you see me, as Mistress Alena, you are paying for the time and not the inclination.

This is fair enough, and is the most oft-cited reason why professional domination may not be a disagreeable profession. It's what all my friends (and partners) have said to me when they mentioned the idea (all of them). However, I have to say in response that the fact of the matter is that any job I would have that I would be paid for my time rather than my inclination is not a job I want. In fact, I've quit 2 such jobs in the last year alone. Maybe others feel differently, and I can't begrudge them that if they do nor would I ever impose my world view as theirs, yet I feel this argument strengthened by the ex-pro dommes who concur with just this feeling and who offer just this reasoning as the reason they are no longer doing professional domination.

What does that tell me? That every pro-domme is just on a path towards burnout? No. Many are, and that's unfortunate. Perhaps the nature of the business can change to become more fulfilling. Perhaps it just wasn't for them.

But I know that when I grab a man by the handcuffs and slam him up against the wall, the startled grunt of air he gives is like the sweetest of moans.

A pro domme who enjoys her work? Why not? Good for her! Good for her clients! In fact, if a friend were to come to me tomorrow to ask for advice on seeing a pro domme, the first thing I would tell him or her would be see someone who will enjoy your session just as much as you, and I might very well point them Calico's way. But at that point, they've already made up their mind.

So maybe we're focusing on the wrong topic. What is it about my hypotehtical friend which has brought him or her to the decision to see a dominatrix? What is it about me that has brought me to the decision to not do so? Is it just those early negative (and perhaps formative) experiences? I think not, and I hope not, but maybe it is.

When you beat me, I want you to like doing it. When you hurt me, I want you to want me to hurt. When we play, I want to feel us both acting from instinct, not from expectation. I will simply make no room for spurious things in my sex.

Is a pro-domme session then necessarily mutually exclusive of these traits? I don't know. I guess neither does Calico.

Sex Services versus Sex Products

2007-05-20T21:27:00.000-04:00

Calico over at Dominatrix Next Door remarks on the influence of money in sex work:

On the way out I picked up $pread magazine’s new issue, which has a whole section about money. Of course it’s about money, I thought, how silly! All jobs are about money. But it’s not actually so straightforward. Quite often we predicate the entire value of sex work on the money and free time. Our critics like to point out the tenuous nature of pay in an effort to discredit the work. Sure, we make money (and thus our work is worthwhile) when young and well and pretty, but what if we’re sick or grow old and fat, which could happen at any time? Sex work can’t possibly hold any merit if it can’t guarantee its one redeeming feature.

One of the problems (I think) I have with the notion of sex work is that it is ultimately a service industry, and there is no real way to reap continuing financial rewards from such a thing. The proven way to make money (and simultaneously not be working) is not to sell a service, but to sell a product. Thus, I feel better about the idea of pornography as a product (videos, sponsorships, physical items) than I do about something essentially ephemeral, such as stripping, professional domination, escort services, or anything of that sort.

I'm not sure if this is any "better" an idea in terms of morality or ethical egalitarianism, but a part of it, at least, rings true with my own experiences.

Kink on Tap 3: Porn and Prejudice

2007-05-17T23:35:00.000-04:00

In Episode 3 of Kink on Tap, I'm joined not only by Sara and Emily, but by her boyfriend Oliver, as well as Blaise. In short order, the five of us are on about BDSM as portrayed in the mainstream media, floggers versus other forms of toys, nakedness and vulnerability, and a whole lot about porn.

Show notes and links:

Bitchy Jones's Diary: Sexy Back II - What is it about being clothed or not that is sexy to you?

BDSM Watch: Walk All Over Me - Mainstream portrayals of professional BDSM activity. Hot or not?

A Truly Belated Wednesday Wanderings
- Kink.com Rolls Out New, More Advanced Technology - Kink.com releases the entire Behind Kink archives for free! Reactions?
- P. L. Nunn's Bishonen Works - Sexyness all around. Also, drawn pornography versus photographic pornography. Which turns you on? Why?

Wartenburg Wheel - Sensual Sadist is excited to be trying this toy out for the first time. What was your first experience?

By the way, yes, I totally realize how incredibly non-professional this all is. Suck it, it's the Internet. Just try and stop us. :) However, I am rapidly running out of room on my webserver and am wondering if there is a hosting provider for content of this sort. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks in advance!

Kink on Tap 1 and 2: The Big Hard Cock, Kink in Culture

2007-05-17T22:34:00.000-04:00

Kink on Tap, a new podcast for the kinkily inclined. :)

Episode 1:

Episode 2:

In this episode, Sara, Emily and I chat over late-night snacks and drinks. There's a ton of discussion on humilation fetishes such as cuckolding, and a lot of opinions to go along with it.

What's your favorite form of pain play? - A poll from FetishLore.com spurs conversation on both the physical and emotional differences between various kinds of play such as whipping/flogging, faceslapping, clamps, and so forth.

Bitchy Jones: The Last Cuckoo

Vanilla Edge: Lair of the Pathetic Worm

Seeking answers to my SPH questions

So some things I've learned from this experience are, among others, that I need to totally slow down my speech and speak up because at some points it is just too dificult to understand what I'm saying. I've also learned to try and be as natural as possible in my speech, for the same reasons. (And personally, I feel much more eloquent in writing than I do in speech.)

I think it will also be beneficial to announce the date and the episode number before each recording, or possibly ad those factoids to the beginning of the audio track after the recording so that people have some context if they're just listening. Of course, as is probably painfully obvious, I am no star member of audio/visual club, so any feedback and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening!

Intoxicants in (and as) BDSM

2007-05-16T00:19:00.000-04:00

Richard over on Femdom Blogs poses a question that has been on my mind for quite a while now. Specifically, have you ever drunk, done drugs, or otherwise been in an altered state as part of a BDSM scene? If so, did the intoxicant enhance or diminish the experience?

Two years ago my answer would have been a sharp, "No! Never!" Nowadays, however, I have to say that yes, I have. Back then, of course, I was also harshly against the notion of intoxicants or medications of any kind. I still don't even take Tylenol when I've got a headache. I never liked the idea of putting things into my body that would somehow change or alter my so-called "normal" reactions to stimuli. No matter that these changes might have been desired (I certainly enjoy a good buzz now and again these days), they were not my reactions, and so I shunned them.

However, this thinking has changed. It now surprises me how unbreachable a wall the BDSM community at large has created around the notion of intoxicants. This is not surprising, however, as there are certainly a great many dangers that such things bring. The mantra of "safe, sane and consensual" is often interpreted to mean that intoxicants of any kind were not involved in a scene, a negotiation, or even a fantasy. But I think this is a decidely restrictive view.

In other subcultures, using artificial substances as part of sex is actually the norm. Is it really just of me to judge that activity as immoral or unethical? After some thinking, I had to say no. An altered state is just that, altered, but that does not necessarily mean it is one with less self-awareness or foreknowledge of the consequences.

Furthermore, I know that for many people, myself included, controlled substances play a significant role in certain fantasies. Putting the all-too-often terrible reality (IMHO caused by a lack of self-control and self-awareness, which is another issue entirely) aside for a moment, it's nothing if not very, very sexy to think of getting drunk and then being taken advantage of.

Looking back on my experiences with just such scenes, a few things have been consistent during what I'd call my "better" scenes:

I was never so drunk or otherwise incapacitated so as not to be able to respond to my partner, either physically or emotionally. Being passed out is just no fun for anyone, but being buzzed can give us both a nice thrill.

We never played with anything specifically dangerous while intoxicated, such as knives, needles, or other forms of play that require precise motor control. Obviously, physical safety always comes first.

While playing, I (the bottom) am always more trashed than she (the top) is. I think this is because being slightly handicapped is what makes the game fun for the bottom while being handicapped is not exactly a benefit for the top. It's easier to subdue someone who's drunk, rather than subdueing someone while drunk.

If we are playing with such intoxicants, we always give ourselves much more time to recover than otherwise. This means almost all of this sort of play has been done on Friday or Saturday nights, when we didn't have to work the next day. Again, common sense is the best guide.

So did the intoxicants make the scenes better? I don't think I can say yes, because the scenes are so different with intoxicants than without. And half the time, the scene is getting drunk and getting used. Thank god I'm a cheap date.

Everyone's a little bit selfish sometimes

2007-05-11T01:11:00.000-04:00

I gotta say, I'm glad the world has someone like Bitchy Jones, who in her famous irreverent ranting style has sunk her claws deep into the hypocrisy that is the common (mis)perception about cuckolding, but I really wish all this talk of those truly sad and pathetic conversion project guys (who should totally read Tom's comments) and the firestorm around this kink or that's validity would cease.

Frankly, I'm just not intereted in any of it because I am neither the target audience or feel as though there is (much) to learn from these discussions (though I can't say that there is no knowledge ripe for the picking from them). I don't care about what other people are doing wrong because I am far more interested in what I can do right.

And, frankly, I'm way too selfish a human being to fight this fight for the benefit of others. It is truly unfortuante that there are not others out there in greater numbers who are actually self-aware enough to discover the excitement of authentic connection and erotic power exchange, but that is mostly their loss, not mine. Besides, though I don't want to go into specifics, I have done a lot for my community on this front already, and I am still doing steadily more.

Really, though, I just miss the level of introspection I was finding on the blogosphere in much more abundance before this hailstorm of things-gone-wrong came about. And after all, not that it isn't sometimes necessary, but isn't focusing on the things gone wrong counterproductive anyway?

Once in 48 days

2007-05-10T02:58:00.000-04:00

I wrote a little computer program the other month to count how long it's been since my last orgasm, and to keep track of the details of that orgasm. Tonight my program is telling me that it's been 14.113634259259 days, or 338.72722222222 hours since my last orgasm. (It also shows me the number in weeks, minutes, and seconds, but I'm figuring that's kind of superfluous information.) This is kind of remarkable to me because it simulatenously feels like it's been a lot longer and not long at all.

My previous orgasm, that is, the one before the one 14 days ago, was had on the 22^nd of March. It was 34 days between the orgasm in March and the one fourteen days ago, which is my new record. (Yes, in part I am writing this because I feel like bragging a little bit, even though that's nothing compared to what some of you people do, I know.)

For a little while now, Eileen's been saying she's saving me for her. I like this. I'm a big fan of twisting traditional concepts around for the sake of perversions and this is a great example of that. "I'm saving you for me," she would say. The implication is incredibly hot: I'm her's to save for as long as she wants, unreleased until she chooses to have me otherwise. The twist is on the notion of abstinence: it is, in my opinion, utterly stupid to be teaching children that abstinence is the best form of safer sex, so it is fun to hear her take this concept and turn it on its head—sort of.

When she asked over dinner if I had anything planned this weekend, my first thought was that I certainly wouldn't plan stuff now that she's asked. ;)

A Truly Belated Wednesday Wanderings

2007-05-09T23:54:00.000-04:00

I've been completely remiss with this blog. I shan't give excuses because, well, what good would that do? Instead, some quality reading material that I've found—or that has found me—recently.

Bishounen Works is the fantastic web site of P.L. Nunn, renowned yaoi fan fiction author and artist. I've known about her site for, god, ages now and it has long since been a bookmark in my collection 'o naughty sex sites. She's got a ton of fantastic artwork, if you're into that sort of thing (I am).

However, recently Eileen discovered several specific pieces of fiction that have quite literally rocked our world. They are absolutely wonderfully horrific tales of torture and abuse and are certainly not for the faint of heart, but their extreme violence and unabashed eroticism make them true must-reads for anyone who finds the fantasy of non-consensual BDSM (rape, kidnapping, captivity, torture, etc.) arousing.

I don't often feel the need to place such disclaimers around links, but these are very extreme stories. They are also purely fantasy, an important point to keep in mind.

Here's a brief list of some of my favorites so far.
- Bloodraven - a fantasy world where invading Ogres capture and enslave humans finds one such man taken hostage for the sexual amusement of his new Ogre master.
- Walking with the Dead - Okay, I haven't actually read it yet but Eileen says it's filled with all sorts of sexy hotness. :)
Reading this kind of intense stuff is sometimes frighteningly sexy. The thought of having my life ripped away from me and being thrust into non-consensual slavery wherein I am abused day and night to the point of exhaustion and near-death almost daily at once fills me with several kinds of lust. I am pretty sure for obvious reasons that the eroticization of such a thing would quickly vanish in the face of being confronted with such a reality, but other emotions would not. The bloodlust, fighting instinct, would be stroång, and it's more than often that feeling, too, that I crave when I want to play with pain really hard….

Dominatrix Next Door - This extremely intelligent pro-domme's blog is clearly in its early stages, but is already home to some wonderfully insightful posts about sex work, and what that's actually like. In case you missed that, this is a BDSM professional's blog who calls her profession sex work, and that alone should tell you just how observant this young lass is. I've been reading some of her writings for quite a while now and I'm always interested, and sometimes humbled, after reading her perspective on things.

Behind Kink's Free Documentaries - Of course, I'd be remiss not to mention Kink.com's wonderful new announcement that they have made access to all of the Behind Kink documentary videos absolutely free. This comes right on the heels of Kink.com's recent mention in the New York Times and is exactly the right thing for them to do, and it is the first move towards making the pornography industry something that will really benefit from, instead of being hampered by, the advance of technology and media sharing. If you have yet to watch a few of these, go check them out. It's not always what you think.

The Truth About Anonymity

2007-05-08T00:22:00.000-04:00

I've been found out! More and more of my non-cyber friends, the ones who know me in person, have been finding this blog. And, strange, I haven't even written anything in like, three weeks. (Apologies, by the way, as if I actually owe something to readers. That's another post, though.) Of course, it isn't really that hard to figure out who I am. This seems to be concerning a select few of them, mostly because they are kind and caring individuals who don't want to see me "ruined" or "outed" in a negative way.

So, a couple of points are, I think, due to be made.

First, let's face it, I'm already out and there's nothing I can or really want to change about that. This means that there's too much out there about me for me to go track down and sanitize (as if this sort of thing was dirty to begin with, which I think is a silly notion). I've written a ton of stuff about my sexuality, but so have others. I'm mentioned in at least three main stream media publications that I can think of, though not by full name, so there's just no turning back now. If I'd had any hopes of running for public office, which thankfully I don't, I wouldn't have won anyway.

Second, and more importantly, there's very little power someone can wield over me by exposing me as kinky. See point one for why. The fact that I'm already out about this sort of thing is precisely what prevents this from being a vulnerability. Yes, if certain people found out about my sexual proclivities, I may be in some financial duress, but this is not a major concern for me for at least two reasons. The first is perhaps the more important and it is because I am appropriately discreet. I am careful about keeping my personal life out of my business and this would be the case even if my personal life were not so atypical. (Nevermind the fact that the Internet is proving more and more each day that my personal life is actually pretty darn typical.) The second reason is in part based on this first one and is that I would have a number of questions for the colleague who found this blog and read enough of it to trace it back to me. In fact, that would be a delightful conversation!

A friend and reader pointed out to me rather bluntly that I am not actually interested in true anonymity, but instead only care for a "comfortable layer" of it. This is an astute and accurate observation. None of this would actually hold any meaning if it were really anonymous. It's only powerful because it's really, truly, me, actually authentic.

The truth about anonymity is this: you can't be out and be anonymous. You can't be free while being invisible.

Fox News reports: Bondage may make men happier

2007-04-18T02:09:00.000-04:00

I recently attended a bondage class by the excellent, and incredibly knowledgeable Lee "Bridgett" Harrington on Speed Bondage. I learned a few great new tricks, a couple of extra ties, and a super-quick rope bondage chest harness. And, god, it reminds me how much I absolutely love bondage.

How appropriate then, that Lady Julia recently linked this article from Fox News stating that bondage may make men happier. The good things from the report:

…says Dr. Richters, men into BDSM scored significantly better on a scale of psychological wellbeing than other men.

“This seems to imply that these men are actually happier as a result of their behaviour, though we're not sure why,” she said.

“It might just be that they're more in harmony with themselves because they're into something unusual and are comfortable with that.

“There's a lot to be said for accepting who you are.”

At the other end of the spectrum – least happy – were men who reported being attracted to men but had never acted on their desire and didn't regard themselves as gay.

Researchers said the study helps break down the reigning stereotype that people into bondage and discipline were damaged as children and were therefore “dysfunctional”.

“We really found that BDSM is simply a sexual interest or subculture attractive to a minority, not a pathological symptom of past abuse or difficulty with 'normal' sex,” Dr. Richters said.

“They've just got a broader and more unusual sexual repertoire than most.”

I have very little to add to this except for yay, a positive portrayal of BDSM in an extremely right-wing, conservative media outlet! That has to be good, right?

Yet there is still a huge misunderstanding of what BDSM is or is not, and the incredible amount of misinformation out there can be damaging. Case in point, from the same article:

“There will definitely be more men and women who have sexual tastes in this direction but won't call it this,” said Dr. Juliet Richters, of the University of New South Wales.

“They might not like sex magazines but they just happen to like being tied up and spanked as part of foreplay.

“Ask them if they're into BDSM they'll say 'Yuck, no'.”

"Yuck no" to being tied up, but "bondage may make men happier" in the same vein? This is misinformation and misunderstanding at its best. Such hipocracy is an earmark of social stigmas. One very good book that I enjoyed a few years back was Bound to Be Free: The S&M Experience by Dr. Charles Moser and JJ Madeson (a 20-year veteran of the San Francisco BDSM scene). They talk about this issue at point-blank range, and is a highly recommended read for anyone interested in some more personal viewpoints.

Naturally, the best attacks on stigmas and misinformation is quality information. Now more than ever, the Information Age is best poised to tackle these issues. That's why this next point is completely unsurprising:

In women, BDSM was most popular among under 20-year-olds…

I am encouraged by reports like this. They validate to the rest of the world what I already feel every time I kneel in front of my girlfriend; that I am stronger through my self expression than I could ever otherwise be.

The sex trade

2007-04-08T14:52:00.000-04:00

I think I figured something out just now, in the shower. I was thinking about the whole issue of professional BDSM and what the deal is with prodommes and what not, how money plays into the equation and the economics of the situation when it struck me: the men are the whores.

What I mean is, the reason I get so pissed off at the other submissive men out there who are willing to pay for domination is because in my view they are cheapening something that I find to be priceless, namely my own submission. How dare they willingly say, "Dominating me for an hour is worth two (or three, or four or whatever) hundred dollars to me." I could never say that and mean it the way they do, because frankly, my submission is earned. I don't just give it away to the prettiest girl or the strongest man or the cheapest dom I can find.

I can't understand why these men sell their submission the way they do. It's insulting to me, as a proud human, bottom, and submissive, that they even consider the thought. No wonder I have such a hard time respecting them. What's there to respect about someone who so willingly sells such a deeply important part of themselves, and furthermore, cheapens the entire idea by placing finite financial value on the thing?

These men are the most unethical of sluts I can imagine. They are more unethical than the prodommes because the prodommes (usually) know what they're doing emotionally and they make conscious choices to protect themselves. But these men…they know what they're doing and they're doing it on purpose anyway (and if they don't, they're just too dumb to be respected on any level other than the basic respect I'd accord a fellow human).

I'm not sure if that made any sense to anyone except for me. Whatever, it's just my two cents anyway.

Co-topping, the kink threesome

2007-04-08T03:06:00.000-04:00

A long time ago a friend turned to me one night and said, "I'd play with you."

"Really? Thanks," I said. This reaction clearly surprised my friend because he stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me quizically.

"Thanks? I just told you what amounts to 'I'll have sex with you' in our scene, and I'm straight!" he said.

"Is playing really the same thing as having sex with someone?" I asked.

I think it's still a good question. The distinction between sex and BDSM play is often a funny one. Some people insist there is no difference, some people insist the two should be distinct and always separated, other people insist one is the other, and I've gone through so many different phases I forgot what I think right now. I do know, however, that never before in my life have I so closely linked playing with sexual activities and that is a direct result of Eileen's influences and our opportunities for play.

Case in point, the entire kink of orgasm denial is intensely sexual. It's not something I've ever done—or even mentioned, actually—to anyone I knew in person until I met Eileen. Thankfully, she broke the ice on the matter. I was all too happy to let the floodgates open.

Today, teasing and denial (or T&D as it's sometimes known to those of us for whom it's a common kink) is a central and integral part of not only our relationship but of our life. After all, how could something so fundamental as the freedom of sexual gratification not affect your life when you begin to play kinky games with it?

Which brings me to the point of sex and kink, and what lines, if any, are drawn between these things. It's obviously a very gray space, very few bits offering themselves as either black or white. Each person has their own take, informed by their personal interests and kinks.

A good friend of mine has recently confessed to wanting to top me. This, I think, is awesome, both because I think we would have a great time but also because I have never actually seen her switch with her boyfriend and would love the opportunity to do so. Of course, this was just a remark and I don't intend to read too much into it, but it did get me thinking. Is wanting to top me the same thing as wanting to, in some form or capacity, have sex with me, even if the sex is limited to something as commonplace as mentally undressing someone in your mind's eye? I'll confess to having had such thoughts myself.

It also wouldn't actually be the first time. About a year and a half ago, Eileen and two of her close friends (who are also my friends in their own right now, and yayness for that!) all triple-topped me one night in a very mild, practically introductory sort of breath play. I think if we were to actually play together again, it might help her if Eileen was there for part of it, or all of it, at least at first.

Of course, all of this needs a roundtable discussion, as is—and I believe should be—the way of things.

I'm not a masochist

2007-04-08T02:30:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it's strange that it's actually difficult to write about this kind of stuff—kink, I mean. You'd think it would be easy, you know, comes from the heart and all that, but it's not. So many personal things hinge on the acceptance of this sort of writing. What would she think? What do you think? What will I think, looking back, reading my own words a minute, a week, a month, a year, a decade from now?

I can't help but think, though, so I do it all the time. It's shocking, sometimes, how central kink is to who I am, to what I do, to why I do what I do. It doesn't just manifest in the bedroom (or the club), either. It's everywhere, all the time, involving itself in my relationships with friends, even employers in some indirect ways. (When thinking about living choices, one of the first questions I ask is, "What's the scene like there?")

That is not what I sat down intending to write tonight, but it's certainly worth thinking about. I'm sometimes amused at the directions my thoughts wander when I let them. I sat down wanting to write about some of the recent experiences I've been having.

Last weekend was the first time in a long time that Eileen and I made it out to the club. I used to hang out there religiously every Friday and Saturday night, long before I knew her. I used to miss the club because it was the club, it was my hangout, where everyone knew my name. But for a while, I was missing it—we were missing it—because it meant play, the kind of play that works better in noisy dark spaces with (I'm almost ashamed to admit it) onlookers you know are watching because you can feel their eyes but you can't see their faces. There's something delicious about that space, so fun, so personal, so intimate, yet so public.

It was an absolutely amazing night for the most part. I was chained to a metal frame and took lash after lash of the singletail 'til I bled. I didn't bleed much at all by our typical standards, but I bled. It felt good to bleed from a whipping again. Strangely, she thought, and I concur in some ways, in part of the scene I kept saying, "I'm not a masochist!" only to breathe in deep and obvious pleasure when she would strike me again.

She is getting bolder with the whip, which I like, making it dance on my back in the way she knows I enjoy but also starting to let her crueler side out a bit more. I noticed it most when she picked up a fast and hard rhythm that seemed to purposefully stay at the same spot on my back stroke after stroke. It hurt, a lot, but I was so happy to have her hurting me again that I wanted more of it.

I'm really not a masochist in the way the dictionary defines what a masochist is. The definition I've seen most often is:

Someone who obtains pleasure from receiving punishment.

Wikipedia, naturally, does a better job:

The counterpart of sadism is masochism, the sexual pleasure or gratification of having pain or suffering inflicted upon the self, often consisting of sexual fantasies or urges for being beaten, humiliated, bound, tortured, or otherwise made to suffer, either as an enhancement to or a substitute for sexual pleasure.

Without being baited by these definitions or going down the dark path that is defining "punishment" or even "sexual pleasure" for that matter, why was I saying I'm not a masochist? Well, because I don't like pain. To put it bluntly, it really hurts. It's uncomfortable, it's painful (duh), it's not a state I really enjoy being in for the sake of being in that state. It certainly doesn't turn me on in the make-my-dick-hard way most often associated with "sexual pleasure." However, I have found no equally intimate experience to share a moment with a loved one in any other way, and that's probably one reason why I enjoy being beaten so much. I cried a little by the end of the scene. It was from joy though, not from pain. It was just…so loving.

The whip marks are fading by now (I've been told I heal like Wolverine, apparently an invaluable trait for a sub as far as a dom's concerned, though rather annoying if you, like me, enjoy the visuals of the marks), but they're still there. And hopefully I'll have more in a week or two, when I'll be the demo bottom for a singletail demo again. Now that brings back memories. It's how Eileen and I met.

I got THUMKED and I didn't even realize it

2007-04-07T17:26:00.000-04:00

Huh, how very much like me. So apparently I got THUMKED by Tom Allen over at The Edge of Vanilla quite a while ago and I failed to really notice. Not that I didn't read the post or anything, but I didn't actually get that the thing was a meme, because I'm silly and care little for memes of that sort.

However, I also completely missed this week's Wednesday Wanderings, so I figure now's the perfect opportunity to make up for it by participating in this conveniently appropriate little meme thing.

So in accordance with the rules:

The rules (if you choose to play by them) are simple:

If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,

Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,

Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn’t fit your blog).

The Thinking Blogger Award

So, who makes me think? Lots of people, but narrow that down to people with lots of content on their blogs and it gets very difficult to name folks that haven't already been named.

Without a doubt, Richard's blog at Down on my Knees is incredibly thought-provoking and writes about so many topics (in so many places) that I get lost trying to keep up. What I like most of all is that he shares even the briefest insights, and he makes his experiences that much more valuable for doing so.

Of course, Alexandra, aka. the Sensual Sadist is often the other side of the coin to Richard's musings, and I would be remiss not to mention her blog here as well. It's so nice to see writing from dominants and being able to cross-reference their writings with the other point of view. Few couples do this so openly as these two do.

I think I need a little Bitchy to temper my thoughts, too, so that's why I've really been enjoying Bitchy Jones's Diary more and more lately. I'm not always such a realist, even though I want to be, but she seems to be dead-on-balls consistent when it comes to things like that.

A lot of the time things that people do make me think just as much, if not more so, about things than the stuff they say, which is why I've very much enjoyed reading Mistress 160's blog recently. I love the way she writes about the play she does with her submissive husband, Sol, and just her creativity alone is enough to spark lovely and devilish thoughts in my mind.

Who else? Well, I'll bend the rules a little and list Eileen, even though her blog isn't chock full of entries or anything yet. She's the one that makes me think more than anyone else, and the one with whom so much of my experience has been growing with. That's the stuff real insights are made of.

Professional Mistress proclaims domination "is hard work", maymay says "duh!"

2007-04-07T01:16:00.000-04:00

Oh my god, I could rant about this forever (via Femdom Blogs), but I won't because I'd quickly become incoherent considering the current time. That said, I will say that this is precisely the difference money makes, and it's one reason why I believe I've consistently found so many professional dominants to be longing for submissive interactions in their private lives.

When thinking about professional dominas, so many people often focus on the second word. The real heart of the title, however, is the first one, professsional. To be successful and worth half your salt, you need the same kind of dedication to the craft as a surgeon might have to his. Yes, it's fucking hard work, because professionals are hired to perform a very specific task, and the harder that task is to perform the more valuable their talents are.

When a client pays you to do something, you're expected to do it. That, right there, changes the equation. When Eileen and I play, there is no expectation from me but rather acceptance. Yes, there is some give and take, and the truth of the matter is that there is far more one-sidedness in the prodomme's circumstance than in mine. All I can see the prodomme getting, besides an experience (which you can argue the real value of 'til the cows come home), is a paycheck.

And damnit, your job should never just be a paycheck, 'lest you be miserable for your entire career. It's the overestimating of the value of the "prodomme experience" that is the single most common reason I've seen prodommes quit that line of work, and I can think of at least four I know (or have known) personally right off the top of my head. 'Nuff said tonight.

Update: Just wanted to make a few ammendments to this post now that I'm more rested. These were actually comments on Bitchy Jones's take on the Pandora's Box article that I left on her blog, but I like how I said it and wanted to add them here.

This is one of those things that I have too many thoughts about and as a result can't write anything coherent because every time I look at the situation my mind kind of explodes inside my skull and I feel like it's oozing out of my ears. So, so frustrating.

However, let me try to get a few points across:

Prodommes, for the most part, are about looks and not about skill. I am always utterly depressed when I see how awful their form and aim is, how ignorant they are of safety techniques, and how generally uneducated they are about BDSM 101-type things. So it makes sense that it's their looks, not their skills, that are economically viable and that they are the ones supplying the demand. And who demands it? Why, lonely, usually socially awkward or emotionally unintelligent submissive men who can't or don't know how to get what they want except with the one currency they can actually bargain with: currency.

Prodommes are supposed to be first and foremost professionals. There's not a single prodomme I've spoken with (and I've spoken with quite a few, mind you) that doesn't try to draw a very distinct separation between their work and personal lives. That right there makes their professional interests a lot less interesting to me as a submissive male, because why would I want to be with someone who is proactively separating me out of their personal lives? Again, it comes down to the fact that there are just too many pathetic men out there. Makes me ashamed to call myself male sometimes, really.

Ultimately, the situation is the way it is because it's "correct enough" in that it works. The only way to change the system is to beat it economically. And believe you me, this is something I've been trying to come up with a way to do for a long time. Create something truly better that proves itself as such by completely destroying profit expectations of these abysmal esetablishments, and you'll change the system and remake it in your own image.

End mini-rant. I guess I'm tougher on the customers than the suppliers because I'm a sub male and I get a lot more upset about seeing the worst of my breed displayed than I do about seeing the worst of someone else's breed. I've gone to dozens upon dozens of fetish parties and whatnot, and at each one, the prodommes there didn't know what to make of me or how to react to me or even what the hell I was about because the first thing out of my mouth was never "may I rub your feet?" Blech! I'm pissed off that most dominant women expect that to be the first thing out of my mouth.

Marks and pic post Q&A

2007-04-03T23:32:00.000-04:00

I was surprised to get a number of comments and questions on my latest post showing a photo of my marked-up back over the weekend and early into the week. It seems that everyone wants to know what kinds of instruments were used. An anonymous reader wrote privately:

…those marks are so gorgeous in the photo—what implements were used?

Thanks…. :) I love marks, and one of the reasons I play so "hard" is because it seems as though the harder I play the longer I can enjoy the aftermath. (I'm sure you understand what I mean.)

So, there a number of things going on in this photo. First, and most obviously, there are single-tail marks. A single-tail or, more specifically, a signal or snake whip is a type of whip originally designed to control teams of sled dogs. It is, in fact, the type of whip most commonly associated with BDSM play. (That whip prop they sell with dominatrix costumes, yeah, that's a horrible facsimile of a real signal whip.) There are, however, many different kinds of whips with one tail (thus "single-tail"), but my favorite by fair is the signal whip, a short 3-4 foot whip that is typically weighted at the butt end.

I own a nylon snake whip, which is what made the majority of those very red welts and cuts on my back in the photo I posted. Nylon is an interesting material, because it requires a lot less care than other kinds of whips such as the traditional leathers and kangaroo hides, is much lighter and thus easier to throw, and provides a slightly different sensation. It's far more poppy, very stingy and not nearly as heavy-feeling as the thicker materials. It's also a lot cheaper. :)

Underneath the whip marks, you can see some knife marks in the shape of angel's wings. I think these were made with a butterfly knife, a few days before the nearly hour-long whipping scene that produced the previous photo. In fact, I happen to have a picture of these marks as well.

Knives and whips are too often considered "edgy" toys to play with, but they're also a lot of fun. There's nothing quite as painful as a whip that can be wielded with such (relatively) little effort by a top. Likewise, few things (except perhaps firearms) are as scary as knives when pressed up against your skin. Of course, as is always the case, whips, knives, firearms, and every other implement you may use during sexual play such as a BDSM scene should be carefully researched and practiced before its use is sanctioned by yourself or your partner. Please be careful. There is a real possibility for serious harm when using such tools.

Finally, in the photo, the remains of an extremely severe caning Eileen had me endure while bound in ropes the previous week, evidenced by the sunset yellows and blues in a semi-circle on my ass, is also showing in the photograph. This was actually caused by repeated hits with a clear acrylic rod an inch in diameter. Not a cane, per se, but a pervertible that Eileen found at an art store. She bought two, and after that scene only ended up with one. (The other broke.) The feeling of this thing is seconded only by a broken-off table leg a friend of mine beat my thighs and ass with more recently. It's intensely painful.

What instruments were used more recently?

Just the whip. Unfortunately, Eileen and I ran out of time at the club before the violet wand made its appearance.

On a compeltely unrelated note, the week has been surprisingly busy and somewhat stressful, both emotionally and otherwise, so my lack of posting should be considered a result of that thing that real life does when it swallows you up and makes you pay attention.

Whips and chains may break my bones but words will always hurt more

2007-03-31T05:07:00.000-04:00

Oh, the wonderful intricacies of idioms and toying with them through language. Such cryptography can only succumb to cryptanalysis that accounts for the relevant factors of today. (Apologies to those readers who aren't actually a part of my non-cyber life.) In such cases, a picture is worth a thousand words.

The picture of me, above, was actually taken in 2005, though a similar and yet distinctly very different night was had just a few hours ago.

On the wonderfulness of thongs and chastity devices

2007-03-29T17:06:00.000-04:00

Okay, so here's a funny subject I've been trying to experiment with a little lately. This past week I've been locked up in the CB-3000 at my girlfriend's command. The last time I had been locked up wasn't for a good many months ago. (I have it recorded on my personal kink calendar, but without looking it up I'd say it's been at least four months since my last lock-up.) I'm glad that, after all this time, it's still relatively easy to get acclimated to wearing the device again. Sleeping is not a problem, comfort is hardly an issue, and overall it's not difficult to remain hygienic.

The thing that has changed between then and now, funnily enough, is the kinds of clothing I typically wear. My wardrobe is stocked full of form-fitting shirts and, more to the point, pants and underwear. My underwear inventory isn't even very good at accomodating my penis when I'm not locked in the chastity device (it's mostly very feminine wearables), so trying to maneuver into it with the bulk of the chastity device is an amusing challenge.

This has led me to experiment a lot more with what kinds of clothing work best when locked. I've had to consider both comfort and look, for obvious reasons. The results have surprised me!

For instance, it turns out that thongs (designed for women) are actually very comfortable to wear when I'm locked in the chastity device. It seems that the tightness of the thong stretching over the device gives me a lot of support in the needed area, and pulls the device downwards enough to avoid being a noticeable bulge in my pants. Since there's not a lot of fabric, it's also a lot easier for my bits to "breathe" if it's warm out. Wearing tidy whities or similar underwear is supportive enough, but also stifling. Besides, my ass looks like a million bucks in a thong. ;)

I've also found that low-rise women's jeans are way more comfortable than traditional men's style jeans. This is because it's trivial to place my package on either side of the seam without trouble, whereas in other styles of pants the seam itself gets in the way of things. Readjustments have been necessary on occasion, but it's not difficult to find a public restroom to do so.

Of course, I'm not sure how much of this is personal taste or actually making sense objectively, but whatever. My conclusions from all of this experimentation largely boil down to two salient points. These are:

I need to purchase way more thongs.

I can be a bit more bold in the style of my dress while locked up. (Yay!)

Marching on: Wednesday Wanderings

2007-03-28T23:51:00.000-04:00

I've been a bad boy. It's nearly Thursday and I've yet to get to my Wednesday Wanderings posting this week. I don't think I really have the readership who cares, but I've not been very good about posting lately and I certainly want to write about the events of the weekend and this past week. They have been amazingly wonderful, and the explorations into D/s that Eileen and I are doing right now is pushing us both in new—and exciting—directions.

However, once again, tonight I haven't the energy to draw it all together and so instead I'll make note of some of the recent goings-on elsewhere that I've found to be interesting. Rather than try to continually find great new stuff (because, damn, that's really hard—there isn't really that much great stuff out there, really, and even if there is it's hard to find), I'll do the ol' some old and some new link list.

So without further ado, this week's Wanderings:

Bitchy Jones's Diary: Fuck Me, and Fuck Me Again - Bitchy Jones has, in traditionally beautiful Bitchy style, posted about her frustrations with the ideas of penile-centric sex and what it means in the realm of Femitydomity™ and the kink world as a whole. I loved these posts because I can relate to large parts of them, and I can see how I completely don't relate to other parts of them even though I can agree with her points. As usual, that is what the topic of BDSM (or kink, if I must, Bitchy ;) will do to folks. Everyone's got their own point of view because it's such an intensely personal topic. I love that about this subject matter. Anyway, long story short(er), you should go check out these posts.

MWK's Weekly Wankcast - In the vein of new stuff, I followed some links on timidboy's site that led me to Mistress Wycked Kitten's "Weekly Wankcast," a podcast of teases and all sorts of other such wonderful things of that nature. I'll admit I have yet to listen to a single one from start to finish, but the excerpts I've been picking up sound very hot. As an information junkie and technologist, it's exciting to see people take advantage of new media in this way. Props to Mistress Wycked Kitten for being one of the first ones on the map in this space, and I certainly hope more will join her soon. Hell, I've got a ton of ideas myself....

In other news, it appears that a majority of bloggers (save Bitchy, of course) haven't been that active this past week, myself included. Richard and Alexandra are finally together again, and I wish them the best of times and a lot of fun while they spend their time together. Tom Allen's been spending a good deal of time responding to comments on his recent entries and as I'm somewhat more familiar with Tom's story from ages ago, I'm remaining a little quieter than most. Tom, you're becoming quite the little superstar. :)

For me, the past few days has been a whirlwind of activity in the non-kinky areas of my life. Suffice it to say that I'm voluntarily unemployed (or will be very soon) and am starting to freak out a little bit about it. I'm in that situation where I have no clue what my life will look like one week down the line, and this is both a freeing and somewhat frightening experience.

Eileen and I have enjoyed way, way more play than we normally do, as well, so there's a lot to write about. Almost too much, in fact, because I've been mulling the experiences over for days now and am no where nearer to writing about them. In some ways, I'm not sure I really want to quite yet, because they were awesome and personal and I don't have much of a basis for understanding them beyond the experience itself. I'd love to play that way some more in the future, and keep exploring these areas. And I know, I'm being way vague, which is totally unfair to readers. But hey, I may be a subbie but it's still my blog—and don't worry, you'll hear allll about it soon enough. :)

Is submissive intent influenced by orgasms?

2007-03-23T05:22:00.000-04:00

Picture part of Femdom Draw's preview collection.

Surfing around again tonight, I found a very interesting post by Saratoga discussing chastity versus draining ("milking") a male submissive before play time. He describes the basic thrust of the concept like this:

The point is to make his ejaculatory moment as meaningless, humbling and unremarkable as possible. Pointedly waste his seed in an unceremonious manner. Then follow it up with brisk, focused activities which sweep his consciousness away from the release of his precious male sexual fluid to the infinitely more important tasks selected by his Mistress.

An interesting thought indeed. Why would one be interested in doing this? Saratoga writes:

This assures, as the Australian Domme stated, that the male is "serving (her) from submission, not from lust." Actually, I'd suggest, from my personal experience, that the boy may still serve his Mistress "from lust," but it would be from lust for Her, not lust for his own sexual release. So, male pre-play release would assure both a more purely submissive motivation for serving his Mistress, as well as a basis for his more purely lusting for Her, not his own sexual satisfaction.

Oh, okay, I get it. Try to ensure that the actions I am taking are in fact performed out of devotion, not a desire for self-gratification. Such a thing can be debated endlessly if taken to philosophical extremes, but let's assume for the sake of self-exploration that not all actions are ultimately selfish.

I can certainly relate to this idea at times. Surely, if I am denied sexual release, won't my compliance simply be a measure of how much I want an orgasm? Sometimes, yes. Is that the point? Sometimes, yes. It's an unmeasurable thing, really, to try and determine what intentions have provided the motivation for an action of someone else's. The dominant can't ever truly know, despite how much they may suspect one thing to be the reality over another possibility. If I am really horny, I might be performing some action out of a desire to please my dominant so that she or he might grant me an orgasmic climax, but I may not. Sometimes, it's hard for me to tell the difference--and that's the real reason I see some value in this approach to starting a scene.

I think this can be an interesting tool. For example, there are certainly physiological changes that happen in one's body that are dependent on where you are in the sexual response cycle. The release of endorphins is the common example and explains why so many of us feel as though we can take more pain when we are highly aroused. Now think about what it might do to you if you were forced to take a harsh paddling or a whipping after you have had an orgasm and not allowed to enjoy an afterglow. I think it would be pretty mentally distressing...and as such could prove to be a very, very powerful tool for a dominant to be aware of.

That is to say, draining a man prior to a scene isn't necessarily a means to ensure his devotion or intention for service, but it certainly will change the way his body and mind responds to certain things. Dominance is not about devotion, it's about using the tools you have at hand to control somebody else, devotion be damned. The awareness of how a submissive reacts differently to things before or after an orgasm was granted is one of these tools. The only way to get really good at using it is to practice, practice, practice.

Just my two cents….

Thoughts and fantasies on guided masturbation

2007-03-22T04:05:00.000-04:00

I'm having trouble sleeping tonight for the obvious reasons such as the fact that my life is beginning to turn topsy turvy again, but I'm also spending quite a bit of time exploring new sites and thanks to their content, naturally, masturbating quite a bit. In fact, even though I'm not really masturbating to any unusual degree, I seem to be dripping precum like never before. I've already been able to coat my whole shaft with the lubricant it's provided. This is interesting to me because I'm not typically that drippy a boy. Is it the way I'm masturbating? Is it the fact that my last orgasm was abandoned and perhaps I'm hornier than I would be otherwise? Maybe my body is beginning to get used to producing lots of precum? This would be a wonderful thing, because it might even save me money on buying lube. ;)

(Sidenote: I have a fantasy that Eileen would force me produce a certain amount of precum before I'm given a treat such as being allowed to masturbate to orgasm. Perhaps she only lets me use an eight of a teaspoon of lube and the rest has to be precum, and that's my "lube ration" for the day or week.)

Whatever it is, it's sort of besides the point anyway. I got to thinking about masturbation in general and went to go find some corresponding writings. Though I didn't set out to surf tonight with that goal specifically in mind, I've been thinking about it for a few days already because I've been away from home and away from Eileen. Interestingly, though I do enjoy the sensations of masturbation, there's simply nothing that can compare with masturbating in her presence, when she's present with me. When I'm not around her, I want to masturbate to fantasize about being with her and being controlled by her, but when she is around, I find that I don't tend to start masturbating unless I ask her for permission first, even though I don't have to by our rules.

Surfing around, however, sometimes takes a while so tonight I've been doing a lot of masturbating and clicking on links. Eventually, the Web did that thing it's great at doing and I've just now been successful in finding a new treasure trove of things to read. The Peter Files is a web site all about male masturbation under female guidance that I've been exploring for a little while tonight.

Guided masturbation is an interesting thing. Basically, it's where one partner masturbates obeying the directions given by another. That's a sexy thought because there's an implicit power dynamic embedded in the obeying and giving of directions. This sort of activity is the basis for such forms of pornography as web teases, as can be found extensively at Milovana.com. It makes me wonder why thoughts of guided masturbation is such a turn on for me.

I think one of the major reasons is because, frankly, I'm really good at pleasuring myself. I've been practicing for years, and before I gave up control of when, where, and how I orgasmed, I would masturbate myself to several awesome orgasms every day or so. So you know, I've had a lot of practice. I think also, just in general, manual masturbation (hand jobs, to put it bluntly) are totally underrated. Sex is good and all, but the lowly hand job is often overlooked as a major part of that. While browsing the Peter Files a bit, I found this excerpt from the Hand Job Manual page that sums up that sentiment nicely:

Sex means more than intercourse; It is also exploring all the different variations that enhances your sex life and keeps it from getting stale. Masturbating your partner can be very exciting for both of you.

But I digress. Hand jobs are one thing, guided masturbation is another. Perhaps, then, it's the thought that I'm being told what to do that is at the root of the attraction? I certainly like that thought. It reminds me a lot of hypnosis, without the hypnosis. That is, being told certain things, focusing on my dominant's voice, but instead of being in a trance state I'm in an extremely aroused state. In fact, I wonder what guided masturbation while under hypnosis would be like; certainly a trance state is not mutually exclusive of an extremely aroused state. An interesting twist that I sometimes fantasize about as well would be to be told to masturbate, and then being told to imagine (or perhaps hypnotized to believe?) that the sensations from the masturbation are actually from sex, or from topping a lovely slave girl. (Yes, there's a streak of toppiness in me sometimes, too!)

I also find guided masturbation to be a possible component of the various games of chance people like to play with orgasm control that I am also interested in. The difference is that games of chance don't give as much arbitrary control to the dominant, and I rather enjoy the fact that it is Eileen who has ultimate say in what I do. Yes, at times it is sexy to fantasize about her playing the role of a mockingly comforting sweetheart who is simply "playing by the rules," but I also really enjoy the simple fact that what she says goes.

A few days ago, Eileen asked me if I wished she was "harder" with me. Honestly, I can't say that I do because I love it when she's sweet and gentle. There are even times when I will become aroused through even non-sexual, gentle caresses for no other reason than she's being sweet and delicate with me. It's less an issue of being hard on me or not, I think, but rather simply following through with the things she wants, making everything that happens be on her terms, and balancing that with the things I am interested in like exploring all sorts of new things.

I think guided masturbation is something I'd like to see us explore a bit more. I think we'd both enjoy it a lot, and it even may provide a comfort and/or a sexual connection during times we're not with each other physically. (Never thought I'd actually be desiring phone sex, but hey....) I imagine a situation where she tells me to masturbate, giving me instructions like, "A little faster, a little harder...good, now slow down and use just two fingers," and eventually maybe starting to masturbate herself while she does it. Finally she'll want to get off so she'll tell me, "Get yourself to the edge and stay there for me...yes, don't be silent, moan if you feel like it!" She'd orgasm, and I'd be keeping myself as close as I can until after she finishes, smiles at me, waits a choice few moments, and finally tells me simply, "Stop."

Wednesday Wanderings for March 21st

2007-03-21T23:29:00.000-04:00

Time again for another Wednesday Wandering list o' linkage. This time, I wanted to find some quality submissive's content. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's just the law of statistics, but there seems to be relatively fewer actually good quality submissive men's writings than there are dominant women's writings. Anyway, while not entirely sub-male-produced, here's my list for this week:

Confessions of a Timid Boy - Timid Boy's blog is his self-proclaimed "journey into subspace". Surprisingly, since most of these sorts of things are pretty templatized (guilty as charged), Timid Boy's site itself is very nicely designed. The very sexy photo at the top earns a lot of points here, as well. He writes a lot about his personal experiences with his orgasm denial at the hands of his Mistress, which, if you're interested in that sort of thing from a sub male's point of view, is a good read.

Human For Sale - While not really content, I thought this would be interesting to point people to. Also, just think of the naughty conversations that it could spawn. This is a site that tries to guestimate your monetary value based on your qualities and experiences, such as educational level, lifestyle habits, physical characteristics and so on and so forth. Even better, it explains most of the decisions it makes. I'm apparently worth about $1,900,000, which is just above average for men. My girlfriend is worth more than a million dollars more than I am, and was the second-highest valued female on the day we took the test together. Figures, doesn't it? ;)

So that's it. I know there's not much this time, but things have been a little crazy for me. I just gave my boss(es) my notice of resignation, and I don't have another job lined up so this'll be interesting. I've spent the week mostly at a hotel and the major comfort I am finding while away from home is the garter my girlfriend packed in my bag for me. I love the feeling of the fabric encircling my thigh, even while it makes me miss home and her touch even more.

Abandoned, accidental orgasm

2007-03-21T02:16:00.000-04:00

Last night, Eileen and I were cuddling in bed. I was horny and hard, of course, and I was thrilled when Eileen let me masturbate while I kissed her feet as I did so. Naturally, I was quickly on edge, and continued to edge while kissing her feet for quite a while (an estimated 30-45 minutes).

I have always found feet to be one of the funniest parts of the body. Not sexy funny, really, just ha-ha funny. However, there is something strangely comforting about resting my head on my girlfriend's feet, and humbling about kissing them. She has had me do this for her before, and even though it's not something I would do of my own volition, I find it very enjoyable. Tonight especially, I wondered if she was trying to make me associate worshiping her feet with the pleasure of masturbation. The thought is arousing in much the same way as it is humiliating, especially since it is the foot fetish that I typically associate with the standard "stand and model" crowd I dislike.

While I was edging, Eileen was busying herself on her laptop, stopping to lift my chin with her foot and look at me occasionally when I would make moaning sounds she enjoyed. When I was close to the edge, I kept thinking how much I was enjoying that feeling, and though I was very seriously considering begging for a release, I found myself instead hoping not to have one.

Ironically, after a while, I pushed myself just a little too far and felt myself peak just over the edge. Wanting to be good and to keep edging, I immediately stopped touching myself and tried my best to relax and let the orgasm fade as I had been doing before. I froze but it was too late, and after a few moments my penis weakly oozed out its ejaculate. I almost didn't notice it until it was nearly over; I had given myself an abandoned orgasm by accident.

"You beat me to it, naughty boy," she told me, sort of grinning, "I was going to let you cum. Better double the single-tail lashings." I already owed her 50 lashings for a previous accidental orgasm when she had to leave for her trip overseas, so now I've earned 100. (Though I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to these lashings or not.) I moaned aloud when she told me this, not because of the lashings but because she said she was going to let me cum.

I knew the orgasm she would have let me have would have been full and wonderful and a true release, but instead I had given myself a weak and ruined orgasm that didn't even help my erection waver. Our typical pattern is a release for me about once every 6-12 days (it had been 7 days since my last orgasm at that point), so I'm not expecting another one for a short while and I'm already craving it, loving the anticipation of my next release after having ruined my last one myself.

And...the thought of having had "missed" the real chance...that's also really turning me on. Hmm....

Anticipation in teasing

2007-03-20T23:34:00.000-04:00

One of my Mistress's most amazing techniques in teasing me is very simple, yet very effective: she just doesn't touch me often. When she does, it is almost always very gentle caresses, feather-light kisses, slow licks. I always craved her touch, but rarely am I brought to such desperate desire than when she teases me with touches like these.

This past week was an intense string of anticipatory teases. Eileen even went so far as to whisper in my ear one night, "I have plans for you." The execution of this plan was mind-bogglingly hot, but that's a story I'll tell another time. This time, I want to make the observation that saying that itself was incredibly hot, and the anticipation it creates is an incredibly powerful tool in a tease.

I can't actually remember when the last time Eileen touched me in an traditionally and explicitly sexual way was. I'm sure she has not too long ago, but it's been a while. Our sexual behavior would probably confuse a lot of people. In the past couple of weeks, the only times I can remember that she has touched me sexually was when she either kissed me, very lightly moved her fingers over my cock in passing, or pressed my perineum to get at my prostate. It drives me crazy whenever she does this.

This kind of touch-but-not-really tease has literally made my body shiver and shake regularly. For some reason, I also drip a lot more precum when she teases me like this than when I'm stroked firmly. I think a lot of this has to do with the anticipation of the feelings itself; the body produces precum in anticipation of stimulation that indicates ejaculation, so it seems to make sense that stretching out or focusing on the anticipation itself would cause me to drip more.

The anticipatory sensation is especially apparent when I compare masturbation by my own hand with hers. When what I'm feeling is my own hand, I know precisely what I'm going to do. When it's her hand on me, I don't know what she'll do next and so I am primed for whatever it is without a pause. What's interesting in that situation is that most people seem to feel that having someone else masturbate them is more pleasurable, or at least differently so, than doing it themselves. I wonder how much of that pleasurable sensation is due to the feelings of anticipation.

Anticipation is also very apparent as part of orgasm denial. One of the main "reasons" for delaying an orgasm is that the longer you wait, the better it feels when you finally come. While this is certainly true for the intensity of the orgasm in many circumstances, I am thinking that the waiting itself, the anticipation of the coming orgasm (rather than the intensity of the orgasm itself) is another piece to the puzzle. What this means is that there are two kinds of teases: teases that focus on the intensity of the (hopefully) upcoming orgasm, and teases that focus on continuing the moments of pleasure just before orgasm.

Ecstagony's article on safety risks for face slapping play

2007-03-17T19:24:00.000-04:00

Safety: Face slapping, is a very detailed article about the physical dangers of face slapping in BDSM play that both submissives and dominants should read and understand before playing with strong face slapping in their scenes. Face slapping can be dangerous. For instance, the article advises:

Of course, if hitting hard enough, you will break the cheekbone (damaging almost inevitably some nerves), or dislodge or break the jaw articulation, which, even when being very strong, is not designed for receiving a lateral impact. For diminishing the possibility of this damage your sub should close forcefully the mouth.

There are a number of other resources on BDSM safety as well, and I think these will be good to keep all in one place, so I'm going to see if I can blog them all under the BDSM safety label over time.

Face slapping and my many reactions to it

2007-03-16T14:37:00.000-04:00

I have only ever done face slapping with my current girlfriend and Mistress because it is a very hot-button issue for me. There's an intensely contextualized component to this activity that can give it so many meanings, both for the person doing the hitting and the one getting hit. Being hit, I can feel any one of defiant, submissive, or abused (in both good and bad ways). Each emotion carries a huge weight and affects the scene.

Face slapping is tricky for me that way because I can't ever seem to predict what reaction I'll have from it, regardless of any prior activity or the context of the scene. So this form of play is very hit-or-miss for me; either the activity will add a lot of pleasure to the experience for both of us, or it will really send me into a negative spiral that I don't really want. That is to say, if I am feeling like I want to be abused but instead I feel defiant when struck, that wrecks my mood pretty harshly and causes all sorts of emotional "static" that I have trouble with during the rest of the scene. Of course, "wrecks" is not always the right word, because the issue is mostly about how this incredibly intense button is pushed, not always what happens because of it.

Hm.... Certainly something to think about more, eh?

One thing I was never able to relate to was the notion of ritualizing this form of play. On Fetish Lore, Ranai writes:

A ritualised form of face slapping:
I sit. He kneels before me. I order him to keep his hands behind his back. I look into his eyes, raise my hand and slap his cheek. Then I present that same hand before him. He bends down and kisses the back of my hand. He straightens up again. I slowly raise my hand and slap him again. I present my hand. He kisses my hand again. I do it with the other hand. And so forth. Doing this a few times in silence can be a powerful thing.

I can certainly relate to the power of this action, and I would also very willingly (perhaps happily? I'm not sure...) do it if commanded to by my Mistress, but this is not something I can see myself wanting to do of my own volition. I have trouble with rituals and tradition to begin with, so maybe that issue plays a large part of my reluctance to do that sort of thing. On the flip side, it is an intensely erotic and arousing thought to be conditioned to enjoy this ritual for some reason, but the kinky desire in that context would be the conditioning and control, not the ritual.

Ranai also provides a contrasting mood:

In a fun mood:
If I have brought my partner to the edge of an orgasm, a deep look into his eyes and a slap or two on his cheek can be the final action that sends him over the edge. That's a great experience for me too.

Now this I can totally get behind, for several reasons. First, it has always been hotter to me to think of single slaps, not consistent or rhythmic slaps. Perhaps it is the spontanaety of the act, or perhaps it is just because I'm not really that big a fan of face slapping to begin with. (Hitting is awesome. Hitting my face is questionable because I don't know why it makes me react so unpredictably.) Either way, there is a strong contextual undertone that I link directly to orgasm control with the idea of being slapped during orgasm, and that is simply that the pleasure of the orgasm is being very cruelly interupted by the dominant. And that, as is not surprising, is really hot for me.

I also react strongly to being touched simply and lightly, caressed on the cheek or the bridge of my nose. There is something extra powerful, especially intimate about the face.

(Image part of Sardax's preview collection.)

Theory: Why subs write more than dom(me)s

2007-03-15T20:09:00.000-04:00

Over a very, very late lunch (or early supper), Eileen made the rather endearing comment that she was somewhat intimidated by the profuse amounts of blogging and writing that I do. My response surprised me. I told her, "Well, all subs write more than doms," and just as I said that I asked myself if it were really true.

Now, I certainly can't speak for everyone and I typically dislike over-arching generalizations except when they are understood to be such a thing, but I really do think that submissives typically write more than dominants. In fact, to be even more specific of my own observations, most experiencial writings are publisehd by female submissives, most fantasy was published by male submissives, and most "how to" articles and technically-minded material was published by male dominants. This is an interesting observation in itself, but on the whole my observation is that subs write more stuff.

My theory on this is very straightforward (by which I mean completely unfounded, untested, and underdeveloped): submission is ultimately a very internal process, whereas domination is far more externalized. In other words, submission is largely passive and receptive and domination is active. (This sounds a lot like sex psychology 101, right?)

My hypothesis is thus, perhaps as a result of these properties, submissives (by which I mean myself) tend to take the opportunity to write--and especially blog, due to it's easy push-button publishing nature--to externalize their own submission. Certainly domination also requires high degree of self-analysis, but dommes who play with their subs regularly are already externalizing a lot of things, and perhaps don't have the desire to do so as much as subs seem to.

So there's my completely underdeveloped theory as to why subs write more than dommes do.

On an off-topic but tangentially related topic, finding the wealth of femdom material online that I have is rather new for me. I've never been that interested in it because the last time I really looked for this sort of material was ages ago, and it was really hard to find anything at all, much less anything good. Furthermore, all the femdom stuff I found was so focused on D/s and light play such as light spankings, sissyfication, verbal humiliation, and orgasm control (not that there's anything wrong with any of these; please, bring them on!) that there was very little material about the really fun stuff like hour-long singletail whippings that left men's backs bloodied, threaded piercings used for bondage, torture and interrogation scenes, and brutal cuttings and intense knifeplay. It's just not that easy to find female dominants talking about playing much physically at all. (Of course, I'm really thrilled to have begun finding exceptions to that remark!)

These intense things are, of course, not everyone's cup of tea and that's okay, but they are at the heart of most of my deeper fantasies and so I sought them out where they were available: fictional erotic literature. Granted, these things may not be written about nearly as often because they are really hard to do well, or even at all. Do you have any idea how much preparation an interrogation scene takes? A really involved one that lasts more than a night? A lot!

Ironically, this is the second time I'm writing this entry because my Web browser ate it the first time. How utterly frustrating! Grr on it! Of course, I think the first entry was far more interesting and insightful. Oh, and it was longer too.

This Week's Wednesday Wandering

2007-03-14T23:41:00.000-04:00

Okay, so it's a little late for this week's wanderlust of wonderful linkage because it's literally been more than a week since I've had more than 5 hours of sleep in a single night. As such, please excuse the apparent brevity with which this list is slapped together.

Mesmerizing Women - I know, I know, Lady Julia made my list last week, too, but I just found out she also maintains a wonderful list of resources to other Femdom material all over the web including other blogs, op-ed articles, and more. It's so vast, actually, that I bookmarked it the moment I saw it and can't pass up the opportunity to share it here. It's really perfect for a Wednesday Wandering item, if you think about it, because it'll make your link-clicking fingers very happy.

Alt.Sex.Stories Text Repository - If you don't know about this site yet, then wow, are you in for a treat. The Alt.Sex.Stories Text Repository (or ASSTR for short) is a fantastic collection of erotic literature contributed by people like you and me. Some really good stuff exists on that site, but I shall leave it as an exercise to the reader to find their own diamonds in the rough.

Bitchy Jones's Diary - Finally, because she made me smile multiple times today (and that's hard to do when all you have at your disposal is words on a page), Bitchy Jones's Diary is a uniquely amusing romp through the mind of a clearly intelligent and very articulate dominant female. She's making my list today because there have been a couple things she wrote about that really struck a chord with me, such as the issue of Pro-Dommes that I wrote about earlier today. I'm looking forward to browsing through the rest of her archives.

Also, because I just can't pass this up either, did you know that March 14^th is Steak and Blowjob Day? I asked Eileen what she thought of that, but of course I've yet to provide her with a February 14^th this year (she was abroad over seas for six weeks recently) so there's no shot in hell I'm getting quite that big a treat so soon. :)

The difference money makes

2007-03-14T16:42:00.000-04:00

The wonderfully expressive Bitchy Jones has a fantastic post about professional female dominants (i.e., a pro-domme, a dominatrix, etc.), in which she says:

It makes me sad that the only dom women you ever see in the media are professional doms. The shelves in the erotica section of my local Borders are thick with the memoirs of prodom women, but no memoirs of anyone like me. And no matter how much these women with the memoirs out love it they *are* getting paid. And that’s just different to doing something for love. It just is.

Frankly, I agree completely. As a male submissive who has been fortunate enough to get the chance to enjoy scenes with pro-dommes, I viscerally dislike the whole industry built around this aspect of BDSM. It's just not real, and that tarnishes everything about the experience for me. Most of the times I've interacted with pro-dommes they didn't know the first thing about how to react to me. She (as a general plural "they") would go into her whole "I'm a beautiful domme and you want to give me things" routine andd I just shake my head at her. It's annoying and it's not sexy. Oh, and it's pretentious, too.

Furthermore, I can't feel submissive to someone like that because I feel embarassed for them. Eileen made the good point during a recent conversation about being a professional dominatrix that she would probably find the experience humiliating. Doingg anything just because you need the money, even if you don't really mind "that much" that you're doing it and even if you can genuinely have a good time, is still humiliating.

And it's submissive, at least to the situation if not directly to the client. But then again it is, because most Pro-Dommes work hard for really great tips and there's no way in my mind that that instinct is not utterly submissive. As a male client, I know that I have at least some level of control over the so-called female dominant's motivation in a way that I just don't have when money's not involved. On the flip side, however, it is (or at least it certainly should be) within the pro-domme's power and right to say that she will never want to scene with me again, and it's not as if there isn't an ocean full of other fish she can fry.

The other interesting thing I have noticed from my (admittedly one-sided but still rather vast) experience in the Pro-Domme scene is that an overwhelming majority of professional domintracies (dominatrixes?) are actually submissive (or at least switches) in their personal lives if they're even "into this stuff" in their personal lives at all. There's nothing wrong with being a submissive or with being a switch, but the very fact that this is such a hidden thing makes those who hide it completely unattractive to me as tops. It comes back to the fact that they are doing this not for me or with me, but for my money, alone.

Sure, there are exceptions (see previous link to enjoyable scenes with pro-dommes), but these are certainly not the typical experience. One would think, then, that there is a huge business opportunity for a "real" pro-domme, one who "gets it" and for whom BDSM truly is a "natural" thing and not just a "job." The money is a lure that is hard to resist. But wouldn't that change things? And of course, how can I reallly judge so harshly without having walked a mile in those high-heeled shoes, so to speak?

Tell me I'm yours and tell me I'm good

2007-03-14T13:20:00.000-04:00

Today I read Lady Julia's recent post on Verbal assertions of control where she quotes Her Buddy who said:

I asked her if I did good this weekend. She said she must not give me enough praise. I said that is not it, just for some reason, I like to hear her acknowledge what I have done. Just a reminder from her verbally goes a long way.

This never really struck me as being something that was ever tied specifically to a D/s relationship, because this is something I find important in every aspect of my life. I like to know that my efforts have not gone unnoticed, that I'm actually making a difference and that people appreciate my work. I like to know that my friends think I'm a good friend and that my girlfriend thinks I'm generous to her. This isn't something I seek out of some kind of lack of self-confidence or a need to feel validated, but rather a connection to whomever is on the receiving side of my efforts.

Lady Julia remarks:

Everyone needs a bit of praise from time to time, but it took me a while in the beginning to realize just how much more intensely words of encouragement and appreciation mean to many submissive fellas. Even more than that, I think, is how much hearing the assertion of my control means.

(Emphasis added.)

This is very true. What's more pertinent to me than simply understanding that this form of acknowledgement is desirable, however, is thinking about why it is that my Mistress's assertions of her control are so sexy. Certainly, it is an obvious part that an assertion itself is a statement of control, and that is what I get off on.

Lady Julia continues and says:

For many these types of verbal assertions of control really seem to excite, motivate, and strengthen the bond between the Dom/me and the submissive.

Rook's particular hot button is for me to remind him that I saw him, decided I wanted him, and was able with almost no effort to seduce him into being mine to control. He loves knowing I took him - a man who did not identify himself with being submissive at all - and guided him to a place where he will now do anything I ask.

For many utilizing verbal assertions of control won't be a natural thing. It wasn't for me, but the more I use them and take note of the responses they elicit, the more it has become a natural part of the way I communicate.

Last night Eileen and I walked and talked for hours and one of the things that came up during the conversation was how sexy I find it when I think about her dominating a man who displays more traditionally masculine personality traits and how focused on her that fantasy is. In fact, when I think about her being with someone cool and masculine and sexy in those ways, it is still her dominance that is arousing to me (and this is true for every arousing thing about unfair situation I may be in). That dominance is an assertion of her control much in the same way as a verbal declaration such as "I like it when you're horny and needy" is an assertion of her control, and that's sexy.

New erotica: Good boy, good pet

2007-03-14T02:36:00.000-04:00

Inspired by Eileen, I'm beginning to make it a point to write as a goal. Not only is it fun, it has become a fantastic way to communicate my ideas, my fantasies and to just stay in touch. Blogging also helps me write in other ways because writing itself can be hard, and staying in the habit of writing is important to maintaining a certain minimum of skill.

That said, what I want to write is erotica. Erotic literature was a huge part of my formative sexual experience when I was younger, and it's still one of my great joys today. So I thought, Well, why not contribute? And so I have! I signed up for an ASSTR author account and was just accepted.

My first story is called Good boy, good pet, and I hope you enjoy it. :)

I get off on unfairness

2007-03-09T04:59:00.000-05:00

I get off on things being unfair in a D/s relationship. I get fewer orgasms, I have less money, I have more tasks, and so on. The imbalance is a display of power, the unfairness stimulating as a reminder of my submission. But it's a tricky thing. It becomes a slippery slope very quickly. The unfairness of the situation itself is a powerful turn on.

Very much like the issue with punishment, I enjoy the fantasy of the unfairness more than I enjoy the reality of it. As a fantasy, things being unfair can be hot and arousing, accentuating the emotions of submission with emotions of helplessness at being "forced" to do something and of having no choice. In reality, when things are so imbalanced that they are wildly unfair, I become resentful or jealous ("my life is so much harder than yours"). This makes me believe that a very clear line must be drawn between the fantasy and the reality, and that these limits must be treated seriously. There's nothing wrong with playing with the fantasy, but making this fantasy a reality could lead to detrimental effects.

The most arousing fantasy of unfairness I have involves cuckolding and orgasm denial. Cuckolding in general is something that is a very, very dangerously slippery slope for most couples. If not communicated properly, performed carefully, or allowed to get to either partner's head too much, it can ruin a good relationship. I have never been cuckolded before, though I have been cheated on multiple times by more than one partner. Interestingly, even though these were horrible experiences, an element of them--the element of unfairness and cruelty--was arousing. I fantasize about my girlfriend with other men on a regular basis at the same time as I make myself anxious thinking about it.

My fantasy involves having my girlfriend masturbate another guy until he orgasms, possibly several times, allowing him to have sex with her or to use me to obtain his climax while I am denied the same pleasure. Both of them would then taunt and tease me about how unfair it is that he gets all the orgasms he wants and I don't get any. This is, very much like the punishment scenario, something I may not find arousing in reality, but the fantasy is incredibly powerful.

I wonder what things we can do to ease the negative emotions that would come up if this sort of thing became a reality....

One way to do this that doesn't touch on the emotions triggered by involving a third person is to use pornography to showcase other people's orgasms, such as pictures of cumshots or videos of people having orgasms (see, for example, Beautiful Agony) or of course, watching my partner masturbate. For some reason, however, it's a more powerful tease if the person orgasming is a guy (since I am). Another fantasy image I have often is that of being tied up, perhaps spread eagled to a bed, and being made to watch clips of guys getting off in any numberof ways while I, myself, am getting teased to the edge again and again, listening to my Mistress goading me on about how badly I must want to shoot like the guys in the videos (or the man she's with).

That's all really, just some late-night fantasy wonderings.

Avoiding the orgasmic let down by avoiding responsibility?

2007-03-08T05:48:00.000-05:00

Browsing around for some new blogs tonight, I found a post that Hardwired Submissive Man titled Tease and Denial. In his post, he writes a little about being masturbated teasingly:

It was easy to tell that her motivation wasn't to let me finish, but to tease and torment. I absolutely ADORE this kind of play. A relentless tease is far more exciting than an orgasm and i find i never have to worry about the "let down" after.

There are lots of times when I feel very much like that. I also absolutely adore teasing and tormenting attentions. They're fantastic because it's an indulgence for my fantasies, her attention is intent and focused entirely on my body, and the pleasure really does cause a wonderful high. I also sometimes don't want the high to end because I know that what comes after an orgasm is often a relative downswing.

Ups and downs are something I've been writing about in terms of emotions for years, but they're not actually something I've thought that much about when it comes to sex. Partly, this is because I like the orgasm, too and so a mild downswing seems like a fair price to pay. The orgasm is intensely pleasureable and I crave it often.

But the question is ultimately what do I crave, the orgasm I lust after or the lusting itself? Sometimes I think the answer is one, sometimes it's the other, and sometimes it's both. I think a major part of my desire for orgasm control is because it's truly difficult to know what's what in my head sometimes. When instead I obey whatever command I am given by Eileen and she chooses for me, I can be assured that no matter what happens, I will be doing what she wants and I am always gauranteed pleasure from that outcome.

BDSM as an emotional sexuality all its own

2007-03-08T03:18:00.000-05:00

For me, and I have observed for many other people, kink and BDSM is a sexuality all its own. It is not merely arousing in a sexual connotation, but in an emotional one. Kink and BDSM play upon very fundamental aspects of the human psyche that are familiar to all of us, regardless of race, religion, ethnicity, education, or personal experience. Helplessness, selfishness, greed, the lust for power and control, pain and pleasure, are each feelings distinct from the notion of sex. Certainly, they can be sexualized (and often are), but this is not a prerequisite for BDSM play.

Turning these things into sex is merely what makes kink kinky. Without the sexual component, they are still all fun and valid means of self-expression, friendship, and affection. In my experience, in fact, BDSM play of this kind has proven to be one of the most powerful ways to communicate emotion. It touches my psyche in ways mere words will never be able to reach.

For example, I remember a scene early in my relationship with Eileen when I was at her place for the night. We were just beginning to play together, and we were both eager to explore the relationship we were developing to its limits and then beyond. That night, she stripped me down to my boxers and tied my hands behind my back to the chair she had seated me on. Eventually, as she stood before me, she smacked my cheek with her palm. It was one of the first times I had ever been struck on the face and I didn't really know what to make of it.

My ultimate reaction was not sexual arousal, nor a masochistic desire to feel the painful burn of her palm across my cheek again. Instead, it was a flood of cathartic emotions released from the intimacy of the act. Here was a woman whom I did not know exceptionally well by any traditional measurement standing over me, looking intently into my eyes, focusing all her attention on my reactions. And there I was, naked except for my underwear with my hands bound uselessly behind me, exposed and physically vulnerable to her advances.

But the floodgates weren't opened by my physical vulnerability. No, instead, they were openned by my emotional vulnerability. I couldn't help it; I began to cry. As tear after tear rolled down my cheek, she didn't stop hitting me or ease up at all. Her expression didn't waver. She slapped me again and again until I was sobbing quietly.

Later, she told me that she felt it was a wonderful thing to know that wherever she was pushing me into, she could bring me back from--she knew we'd be okay. After she had finished slapping my face, she untied me and helped me lay down on her bed. I curled up into a fetal position and she lay down beside me, spooning me. She hugged me close to her and I flipped around to rest my head on her chest. Then, without a prompt of any kind or vocal prologue, I kissed her gently. With my kiss and without words I was saying, "I will indeed be all right." What amazed me about the experience was that when we spoke about the scene the next day, she conveyed a perfect understanding of my nonverbal communication.

She said that there were at least two distinct moments of very close silent communication, or perhaps understanding is a better word. She told me that she felt as though she knew precisely what I was feeling or trying to say without my having to say it. The first was when I began to cry and that she made the conscious choise to keep hitting me. The second was when I kissed her. She had said, "Thank you," back to me, and I renewed crying at her appreciation of my attempt to soothe her.

While such an experience is not necessarily devoid of sexual feelings, it is not, in itself, inherently sexual. Much of my play and my understanding of BDSM was in fact not directly sexual. Meeting Eileen was a fascinating thing because of how differently we came to the understanding of what BDSM was. For her, it was always directly sexual, and so playing with me in the ways I was used to doing was a little strange for her. Similarly, when she began introducing sexual experiences into play our that involved heavy sadomasochism, pain, fear, and other forms of emotion, I found it difficult to reconcile the seemingly contradictory feelings I was having.

Ultimately, everything we do is about connection and self-expression. To truly connect with someone, we have to express ourselves with utter honesty, and without a connection to someone else we can't express ourselves. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

First Weekly Wednesday Wandering

2007-03-07T16:38:00.000-05:00

I don't really think this will happen any time soon, but as is the case with most of my writing, it tends to come out in spurts. (Hmm, freudian spill, there?) ;) Anyway, to help prevent this from dying down, and because it's just plain fun, I'm instituting a "Wednesday Wanderings" content category for my blog, which will basically be a short list of links about some topic with a short blurb about what I think about what I've found there.

Several good things can come of this. First, it will keep me trying to find good stuff out there. I don't want to link to uninteresting or redundant things. Second, it will keep me reading about things I have not read about before. This is more than just fun for the sake of variety--although that's a major benefit right there--but it's also an important ingrediant for learning. Third, it'll provide a nice way for me to say thank you to others who have put the time and energy into making something worth consuming. (Damn freudian slips.)

That said, a few caveats are in order. There's a ton of reading material out there, and there are only 24 hours in the day. Most of these hours I have to spend doing things other than reading about BDSM, which is indeed unfortunate but true. As a result, I may not actually read every last word of every last page I link to. It just isn't feasible. Second, I'm not actually endorsing anything I link to, I'm just linking to it because for one reason or another, I found it cool.

(As a side note, Goddess Alexandra posted a very touching entry regarding the expectation or idea that D/s is a full-time thing. Or rather, that it doesn't have to be. It's another great example of trying the shoe on for size and only buying it if it fits. I think you should read it.)

Finally, the obvious question: "Don't you link to tons of stuff in normal posts anyway?" Yes, it's true that I do this all the time anyway, but I think having some kind of publication schedule will help me keep this site active as well as maintain my interest in all these other areas. Besides, sometimes a list format is just easier to speed-read through than a blog post.

So without further ado, the first Wednesday Wandering list is below:

Making Him Your Dream Man: Male Chastity FAQ - I'm sure it's no surprise that male orgasm denial is on the first Wednesday Wandering list. This 8-step guide to male chastity is illustrated with cartoons in the style of Jan Thor's Chastity Belt Page and I found them to be a lot of fun.

The steps themselves are short, simple explanations and written with a wonderful conversational tone. There's nothing in-depth here, but it's a fun read and is a great, gentle introduction to male chastity for women (aka, The Vanila Domme) who may not understand why they might be interested.

Maria's Diary - The author of this site (Maria, if you haven't guessed), bills it as the "thoughts and experiences of a dominant wife," and that's a great synopsis. What sort of experiences does this dominant wife have, however? Well, lots! And not just with her husband.

Maria cuckolds her husband Martin, and they both get off on it quite a bit. What I loved about the few diary entries I've read here is that she doesn't focus on just one aspect of her play or relationship, but actually tells the full story of each experience from background to actual experience all the way through reflection. She even writes about the conversations she has with husband about the cuckoldry itself. Maria writes a lot, she writes expressively, and there are even pictures! I've already bookmarked her diary and printed out the first article so I can read it on the train today.

Unfortuantely she has decided not to write more in her diary, and from what I gathered it seemed to be the result of too much less-than-positive attention. Nevertheless, the archives are fantastic and I encourage you to read them if cuckoldry and female dominance have any interest to you at all.

Lady Julia's Entranced Realm - One of my favorite Femdom bloggers, Julia's site is full of wonderful accounts of her experiences on her blog and throughout the rest of her site that are told in one of the kindest, most personable ways I've seen. She is engaging, intelligent and opinionated, but best of all open to debate and discussion, so if you read her posts don't hesitate to comment on them!

Additionally, and this is why she's making my list today, she has a wealth of information on the topic of erotic hypnosis (her hypnosis articles are not to be missed) which has just recently become a new fascination for me. I've already found some eye-opening stuff by perusing these articles and you can rest assured I'll certainly be reading the remainder of them.

Okay, so that's my Wednesday Wandering list for the first week of March 2007. Not many, but as we all damn well know, the point is quality, not quantity, right? ;)

Happy clicking. And remember: not all who wander are lost!

Feminization as the perfect creation

2007-03-07T11:13:00.000-05:00

When I used to be closer friends with the Pro Dommes at one of the local dungeons where I live, I would get invited pretty regularly to their Friday night parties. These were not great events because the Mistresses never had a truly fun time (since they were technically working), and I'm pretty sure that's why they kept inviting me; I was never a client, only a really, really young boy to play with. And I'll admit it: I was incredibly naive.

On several occasions, the girls used to dress me in full cross-dressing gear from head to toe. One of them was a fantastic makeup artist, and so the first time they did this I was actually speechless when I looked at myself in the mirror on the wall. With the makeup, she had done such an amazing job that I actually got asked if I worked at the dungeon by one of the party guests, and another one who had been eyeing me all night had to "check to make sure" whether or not I was female.

At that time, I didn't really understand the appeal of becoming outwardly more feminine. Now, however, it's one of the fantasies that runs deep within me, for many reasons and, and elicits a lot of different emotions. (As a sidenote, there's an interesting discussion spawning around this subject at the Fetish Lore Forum.)

By the way, when I asked her how she learned to do this she recommended a book that I think was called Making Faces. It was a photography book showing pictures of men's faces made up to look like stunning women through the use of makeup. She said such books (and a willing human canvas) were the best ways to learn.

It had not been first time I had ever cross-dressed, but it was the first time I was truly made to feel like a girl. This was a subtle yet eye-opening revelation for me. I always had thoughts of what it might be like to be a girl instead of the boy I am, and from a very young age I became fascinated with the gender differences (and similarities) between the sexes. When I became sexually aware, I began to have (and still have to this day) a very serious case of clitoris envy.

I believe that this, in at least some significant part, is due to the fact that I have always felt very strongly feminine in many ways. The popular phrase these days is to say that I am "in touch with my feminine side." I was an introvert and a shy child in general, but more so than this, I was hyper-sensitive to emotions and felt very moody much of the time because of this. I got along better with girls than I did with guys and I felt envious of them for being able to manipulate society's double-standards in ways that I wished I could, such as the approval of playing a sexually submissive role yet at the same time desiring to be lusted after.

Cross-dressing in and of itself is a lot of fun. I find girl's clothing to be unusually comfortable and very sensual. The softness of the fabrics such as leggings and nighties are extremely appealing (I've always loved soft things). The tight, form-fitting nature of the clothes such as jeans and shirts make me aware of my body in ways other clothes don't. (Interestingly, that only became an appealing aspect once I begun to feel more okay about my self-image.) However despite all this, I never truly thought of myself as "girly" in the sense of liking pretty things for the sake of their prettiness or being enthralled with pieces of jewelry. I like pretty things and I love jewelry that is somewhat demure, but these things never defined the pleasant emotions behind wanting to be a girl.

I eventually confessed to my girlfriend how sexy I thought girl's clothing was--everything from panties to outerwear. At first, it was a novelty when we went shopping for some tight jeans for me in the girl's section. Then, it became a regular occurence. Now, I own more girl's jeans than boy's jeans, enough panties to last me through a full laundry cycle, and a little less than half my outerwear wardrobe is girl's clothing. I don't wear most of them for any special occasion whatsoever; they're just part of my regular wardrobe. It certainly helped me to hear the continual encouragement from my girlfriend. She told me how nicely shaped my waist is and how feminine my ass looks, how sweet and cute I looked when I dressed in younger-looking clothes and how sexy she thought I was in my new tight clothes. Being handy, she made me lots of necklaces and we eventually bought a jewelry box for me.

All the while, we slowly began introducing more and more feminization aspects to our play and sex as well. It varied immensely and was the most role-play-like thing I had done to that point; at times she would speak to me as though I was a young lost girl, at others I would put on my sexiest red nightie and do my best to seduce her. While there was a naturalness to the play that I was not expecting, there was also the feeling of being almost doll-like in the sense that I was not myself anymore. Again, while I am very much a "girly boy," I am still a boy.

Feminization, then, is partly self-expression but also partly being made into my dominant's image. The submissive in me finds it incredibly erotic to be molded in whatever way my Mistress wants. When I am her little girl, even though I am a boy, that is an act of her power and my submission because I am then something she has made me into for her own pleasure. She turns me into her pretty, perfect little girl. And I like feeling perfect.

Strap on vanilla sex and emotions in D/s sex

2007-03-06T16:39:00.000-05:00

A few days ago I asked whether or not regular sex was actually regular. Today, on Richard's Fetish Lore discussion forum I was reminded of a time when sex was almost (so close!) to being regular:

The most "vanilla" sex I think I've ever felt was when she was fucking me with her strap on on our bed. No ropes, no chains, no teasing, just sex. Of course, there was an element of power play present, but the experience was also just very indulgent for us both.

I like that word, indulgent, because it rings in my mind as the very essence of what sex is. I think that if there is such a thing as regular sex, both partners would feel as though they are indulging themselves as well as their partner at the same time. In fact, they would be indulging in the body of their partner (or partners).

In many ways, this implies a physicality that is almost more present than in a D/s sexual dynamic because the participants thoughts are (and I'm guessing) geared exclusively on the pleasure of the experience. While this is ultimately the case for a D/s scenario as well, there are many more layers of emotional construction that the experience lies upon in such an emotionally charged context.

It's very difficult if not impossible to have a Dominant/submissive dynamic without some kind of very intense emotion, good or bad. However, I feel (subjectively) as though with "regular sex" it is far easier to engage on a purely physical level. This is how I felt about BDSM scenes before I found the desire to be submissive to my girlfriend. The scene, whether it was a flogging or a whipping or a knife play scene, was always about the physical sensations and never about submitting or the emotional connection I had with another person. In hindsight, it was a lonely experience and that's probably why I craved the conversations about the experience afterwards. That part was the emotional connection.

I loved those scenes and I was, and am to this day, very good friends with many of the people I played with. The notion that the physicality of the scenes were somehow less emotionally heavy did not make them less "good." Nevertheless, there was more to the picture for me, and D/s is the other puzzle piece. Once again, the dichotomy of the experience is absolutely necessary; both body and mind must be engaged to feel fulfilled.

It's just that fulfillment is a complex thing, so it makes sense that so many different people experience it so differently. For some, "regular sex" is the means to their end. For me, and I am no better than others for feeling this way, it just isn't.

Is it possible for a submissive to ever be truly polyamorous?

2007-03-05T00:57:00.000-05:00

Here's a question I have been pondering for a long time: How can a submissive reconcile the desire to be with multiple partners (not necessarily simultaneously, but rather enjoy polyamorous relationships) when they also desire to be owned by one of them. This is a seemingly contradictory statement but it is something that has come up (again) today in a conversation with a close friend.

Too much of the issue is personal to the point that I am unprepared to write about it in detail, but I do want to say that I am really curious about people's opinions, if they have them.

Feeling well-trained is emotionally satisfying

2007-03-04T17:49:00.000-05:00

Laura Goodwin (whom I know very little about) wrote an interesting post on how to train a man to be a sex slave (via Femdom Blogs). While there are a few things in this post I don't feel is right for me, here are a few things I do strongly agree with this:

The ultimate object of sex training is to get your slave to the point where they can successfully do you, so you can just relax and enjoy yourself.

[...]

If you know you like penetration then teach him or her how you like that done, and don't let up on them until they get it right. Then praise and reward.

[...]

It's very frustrating for a sex slave to remain untrained. If you are going to be using the person at all, then devote yourself to teaching them right. One of the most rewarding things for a slave is for them to know for certain that they have satisfied you. If your sex slave cares for you, he or she will want to please and satisfy you even without the threat of punishment. You can help him or her to really feel like a slave and love being yours simply by making sure they know all the good techniques for getting you off.

An able slave is a proud and happy slave. It's good for your slave's self-esteem for them to know that they are *capable*.

It took me a relatively long time to figure out that my interest in ensuring my partner's happiness wasn't necessarily such an altruistic goal, but rather that it came out of my slavish desire to be owned and controlled. I craved pleasuring my partner because it made me feel accomplished. That feeling of success is far more pleasuring to me than anything else I can imagine, so a lot of what I cited above strikes deep chords in my psyche.

I still don't know how much of it comes from the desire to be a slave and how much of it comes from other things. I suspect it's sort of a chicken-and-egg scenario, however, because both facets of the emotion feed upon the other and strengthen the whole. It is, perhaps, more comforting to think of myself as more than the sum of my emotions anyway.

The body as our canvas for expression

2007-03-04T17:25:00.000-05:00

Mistress 160 has a lovely description of a scene involving CBT with clamps and pegs and clothespins. What's awesome about the way she desribes the scene is that her descriptions are analogous to a creative act like painting.

While my hand moved up and down his cock I considered my next artistic endeavour, as the canvas in front of me (sol's family jewels) was now blank again

This brought to mind the observation that so many activities in BDSM are likened to these sorts of things. I think it's wonderful, fulfilling and very satisfying. There have been many times when designs of wings, flowers, or abstract curves and shapes have been cut into my flesh (usually on my back or my ass) by my love. She would stand above me and admire her work in very much the same way she was doing so when she was proud of any other accomplishment she had achieved. I loved the feelings of closeness it gave me to offer her my body as the medium of her expression.

While this feeling was coupled with my submissive (and completely "normal" loving) desire to make sure I do whatever I can to enable her to do what she wants, to make her life full of happiness and pleasure, I found that on more than one occasion, she would offer the same for me. The typical vanilla example is a hickey. For us, a hickey is also a mark akin to a bruise from a beating so on the occasions when she encourages me to mark her like that, I feel priviledged and grateful that she's offering her body to me.

Ultimately, I think these makes a lot of sense. Creation is experssion. People very frequently talk about using the body as a means of expression. It fits in many ways that we would choose our bodies as the medium of that creation. It's primal, and a part of who we are as human beings.

Homeostasis, conditioning, and orgasm denial

2007-03-02T01:31:00.000-05:00

One of the better, more explanatory articles on male milking through prostate massage brings up the point that a man's body is a learning machine:

Finally, there is a process called homeostasis, which essentially is just a way of saying the body tries to maintain all functions and processes in a balanced manner. Over time the body “learns” after repeated edgings without orgasm, that there will be no expelling of ejaculate, and consequently produces less. Taking a break from these orgasm denial activities from time to time, can “reset” the body’s mechanisms. In turn, this makes the next round almost as exciting and challenging as when first started.

I've never experimented too much with this, but I suspect this to be true from my own experiences. It is much, much more difficult for me to remain voluntarily chaste if I have recently had a good orgasm. It's almost as if the orgasm itself is the thing making me horny (after a refractory period, of course).

This can be fun to toy with. Cybersave over on Tantalism.org occasionally has an interesting arrangement with his wife where he is required to masturbate daily, sometimes to full orgasm and sometimes without an orgasm. (The result, he calls them, are "minigasms," though they're more widely known as "abandoned orgasms.") Richard also posted about a woman who was requiring daily orgasms from her boy. The point of it all is to keep the body off balance, playing with the body's process of homeostasis, so that once you get the boy's body used to its frequent orgasms you suddenly take all those away and leave only the teasing. In effect, conditioning the body to prepare for an orgasm that won't happen. (This is, in many ways, similar to the countdown control where a man is trained to orgasm at the end of a countdown.)

Supposedly, that will be very hard to get readjusted to, and I don't doubt it considering I'm primed and ready after a single cum more often than not. It's been a very, very long time since I've been having more than a one or two orgasms a week on a regular basis, even though I used to have at least three or more a day before my girlfriend and I began exploring this form of D/s dynamic and orgasm denial, so this is something that's intriguing and may be worth experimenting with more thoroughly.

Teasing and denial: you kind of need both parts

2007-03-02T01:06:00.000-05:00

The amazing Ms. Rika, whose insights have earned her an unusual place as someone I am truly admiring recently, posted a long time ago on her forums about the duality necessary for teasing and denial to be effective:

I got to thinking that Tease and Denial is more effective than the sum of its parts. It's not only the length of the tease, or the number of denials. It's the combination of buildup and withdrawl.

You can't be effective with either without the other. If you tell a man he's not going to orgasm tonight, but don't stimulate him (denial only), it's no where nearly as effective as if he is stimulated even though he knows he can't complete. Likewise, if you tease a man and finally allow him to orgasm(tease only), it's not as effective as prohibiting release. It takes very little stimulation and very quick denial to be effective. Sure, a longer buildup and multiple denials will be even more effective, but you don't always have the time - or desire - to be so sub-centric for so long. So you can go for a quicky that's every effective.

Thus her suggestion:

So if you're going to deny him, you may as well put a little stimulation in front of it...a quick fondle, a squeeze or two, or a little fetish play and then, goodnight. Give him quick hope and then take it away...Quick and effective.

I think this is one of those things that is so true it's often overlooked, and so taken for granted that it's hard to notice why it works so well. A while ago, I wrote elsewhere about an experience not unlike one that Ms. Rika describes.

Before going to bed, she and I cuddled over the sheets. Then she started caressing me, very lightly rolling her fingers over my body in every single erogenous part of me except my penis. It made me harder than I'd been all day in mere moments, so she kept it up (figurately and literally, actually--no pun intended). My penis was literally oozing droplets of precum in minutes and had a relatively thick, long "tear trail" of it by the time she finished that had dropped into my pubic hair. It took all I had to keep my hands away from my penis. I literally can not remember a time when I had ever been that…desperate for relief.

[&hellip]

She made an interesting remark while I was trying to relax the first time that went something like this: Looks like the best way to tease you is not to touch you at all! This ellicited a needy groan at the time, but got me thinking that perhaps she may have hit on something very true, but perhaps not entirely correct. It's not really true that the best way to tease me is not to touch me at all. The sublety is that she did, of course, touch me to tease me. However, tonight she did so in a way like never before. She teased me by, well, tantalizing my penis-- starving it of stimulation but not attention--and never actually teasing it directly.

This ironic situation is the one that most turns me on, I think because it showcases the control and puts a spotlight on the D/s dynamic involved in the play. And, well, that's hot.

Male chastity devices available today suck

2007-03-01T15:02:00.000-05:00

Recently, several of my favorite BDSM bloggers have chimed in on their mutual frustrations with the state of male chastity devices being sold today. For instance, Ms. Alice writes about her experience trying to get a male chastity device that works. Ms. Claudia echoes the sentiment as well. I have to agree; it is a frustrating state of affairs, that's for sure, that an effective male chastity device is so hard to find. No single device is good for everyone and the state of the art is downright medieval.

Until such a time as a truly effective male chastity device can be created, I think it's necessary that orgasm denial be partly a matter of trust and strength in the relationship. My girlfriend and I have had similar frustrations with devices, but also are very keen on the notion that my denial is by her will alone. Frankly, sometimes it's a lot harder for me that way because even though I desperately want to get release, I don't give it to myself even though I can. The temptation can be maddening sometimes.

That said, there is a place dear to my heart for enforced orgasm denial, to the point where my will truly breaks and I do whatever I can to get relief physically. With the CB-3000 we have now, that fantasy is still just a fantasy because I can achieve a sort of orgasm while still locked inside it, though admittedly not one that is really satisfying at all.

Still, there is no denying the logic that chastity devices are intended (as far as most people are concerned) to effectively hand over 100% of the control to the keyholder. Putting the question of whether a physical device will ever be able to be that effetive aside, the percentage we're looking at now won't get near 100% unless the state of the art improves.

I wonder, then, if perhaps the next generation of chastity devices won't be physical contraptions at all, but rather a drug. Or maybe even a nasal spray? Just imagine the possibilities. ;)